Ronald Reagan’s name is mentioned in this post.

I’m drunk.

This was unintended. I knew I needed to write a Turd of the Week™ post. The orphans of America need it. The widows of America need it. The widowed orphans of America need it.

But let’s say it: I’m in a bit of a slump. Does that make you feel better, you widowed orphans with your gruel and your tears and your “please, sir, I want some more”? I bet it does. I bet it feels just as good as a second helping of slop slopped into a dented bowl.

So I opened a bottle of wine and poured it down my gullet, hoping the fermented grapes would help me on my turd vision quest.

There is a veritable turd cornucopia happening in D.C. at this moment. The Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, is underway. Ann Coulter has stated that only pretty girls are right-wing. The name Ronald Reagan has been mentioned 5,124,902,321 times. And I have heard too much…hence the drunkative drunkical drunkation drunference of 2012 sponsored by Beringer.

I really should have stuck with sussing out the “emotional” interview a “real” “housewife” had with a “real” “doctor.” I am meaning the collagen-lipped Taylor Armstrong and the celebrity-rehabbed Dr. Drew. But I gave up after one fruitless Google search and a half-hour wasted on Facebook reading people’s Pinterests.

And while they are both turds, they did not meet the stringent requirements of Turd of the Week™.

Rep. Sen. Mitch McConnell spoke at CPAC. This is him:

He said many things I didn’t understand, but then again I do not speak turtle. He ended his speech with the rallying cry: “Don’t pick on Fox News!!”

Not bad.

But then I thought I should watch Newt Gingrich’s speech. It was 30 minutes long. Thirty minutes long. It was thirty minutes long. It was as long as a sitcom rerun without the commercial break. It’s still happening. I began writing this blog post after his 10th mention of Ronald Reagan. I pick up my earbud, and he’s still talking. “The corporate tax rate should be 12 percent. Ronald Reagan,” he bleats.

And I down my second bottle and weep.

President Obama wants to declare war on the Catholic Church, Newt insists. I am thinking this has something to do with the new health care rule that requires insurance coverage for birth control. As someone who has frequent affairs, Newt should be a fan of birth control. But he’s more a fan of pandering to a crowd of people who likely also use birth control otherwise the Duggan family wouldn’t have a reality show, right?

So he’s a giant-headed giant turd.

I’m going to go pass out now. jggjkljadlkdj


  1. Oh thank god. I thought I was going to have to usurp the position of Turt Tender and give you the award for mentioning Ronald Reagan. Since we are both in the DC area, perhaps we can get together and throw turds. I have dog who supplies more turd than I care to keep for my own use.

  2. A few thoughts here S7. First, you have given the award to one of the biggest turds on the planet. The reason he doesn’t need birth control while having affairs is because during those trysts he sticks to blow and hand jobs. That’s what virtuous religious people who are smarter than everybody and worthy of the White House do. Secondly–and believe me, I take this to heart more than anybody–we are blogging for free. So if you get sick of something you’ve invented (like I did with Girl on a Toilet) just slash that bastard out of your playbook. ANYTHING you write is awesome. I don’t have to be drunk to enjoy your stuff, and that’s saying alot.
    PS-That Mitch turtle made me laugh out loud. (I think the youngsters call that a LOL).

    1. Now that I know what Newt does sexually, I will now die.

      I would end the Turd of the week, but those widowed orphans clamor for it. They clamor for it like a horny Newt Gingrich clamoring for a hand job from a random Congressional intern.

  3. I’ve actually always thought that Mitch McConnell looks like Charlie McCarthy — like someone else is controlling his mouth. I’m pretty sure that is actually true in fact, but I’m surprised the Repub would choose someone who is so obviously, well, a dummy.

  4. I thought this was a million times more funny than when one of my friends would drunk-dial me in college to tell me she needed a ride home from the bars. Not to mention, you don’t even need to write when you have the photoshop skills to put Mitch McConnell’s head on a turtle. Which, by the way, was even better than when that guy grows donkey ears in A Midsummer’s Night Dream. See — you just effectively outdid Shakespeare and you did it while drunk.

  5. Usually when I think of Newt, a variety of very derogatory names come to mind. In a field of candidates in which repulsiveness is the norm, Gringrich is exceptionally vile and disgusting, and turd almost seems like too kind of a word for him. But still, I think you have chosen well, and thanks for your service to our country.
    Oh, and loved your Mitch McConnell turtle! Lol 🙂

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