The Turd Towers

I am a worrier.

I worry about my job security in the public sector. I worry that I can’t leave the hangnail on my thumb alone and will result in me peeling off all my thumb skin. I worry my exposed thumb will give me restless leg syndrome.

And I worry that my devoted readers will think I put no effort into my Turd of the Week™ segment by naming Donald Trump Turd of the Week™.

Calling Trump a turd is akin to calling a rose a rose or Trump a shameless self-promoting megalomaniacal dickhead.

Nonetheless, readers, nonethemore, his turdishness stood out among all the other floaters in the toilet bowl by his ridiculous announcement of his upcoming announcement of his endorsement of an announcement of announcement. Yes, Donald Trump was going to open his big fat mouth, stretch his overused vocal cords and say something no one in the world should ever care about…..and the media was there to faithfully cover it all.

“I’m here to announce that my hair is made 100 percent out of Trump steaks.”

He tried to be sneaky by making some media outlets think he was going to endorse an overgrown baby for president.

“Don’t worry Newt, ol’ buddy ol’ pal, I’ve got a spot for you on “Celebrity Apprentice XXMMVXC.” It will also feature another baby, the baby from the E*TRADE commercials.

The Today show sent a turnip to Las Vegas to get the scoop. “…” said the turnip because turnips cannot speak. Others said “Trump’s a showman.” So is the guy who makes balloon animals at the county fair.

Trump had toyed with the idea of running for president himself. But then he realized it would be difficult to file bankruptcy for the entire country like he did for his own businesses.

Trump instead endorsed another really rich guy who could care less about the very poor. I’m paraphrasing. Republican presidential frontrunner Mitt Romney actually said “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” The very poor responded “We’re too hungry to even be able to process your statement. Oh and pfffftttttt.”

Donald Trump talked lots and lots. So do his comb-over. He mentioned China and laughter and blop. His hair flopped around with emphasis. And then his hair said: “Blippetedy bleep bleep Mitt Romney” and people applauded wildly because they are paid to do so. And then Trump checked out Mittens’ wife and said “And by the way this is a great couple, will you look at this couple” and people cheered somewhat uncomfortably and then awkwardly looked at their shoes.

And then Trump the showman finished with a twirl: “Mitt is tough. He’s smart. He’s sharp. He’s not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country we love. He will eat all the very poor and then crap them out in a productive manner. His wife has a great rack. Gov. Romney go out and get ’em. You can do it.”

Well turded, hairpiece. Well turded.


  1. I can’t stand Donald Chump. To me, he is hubris personified and lit up with more neon lights than all of Las Vegas. Thanks for calling a real turd a TURD and doing it so well.

  2. That line was taken totally out of context. What he said was “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I’ll fix it.” His second sentence was referring to an equipment net he saw off stage. He then whipped out a roll of duct tape and proceeded to repair the net. He’s a real advocate of duct tape. When asked about the very poor, he said, “Huh? Wha–? Is that something I can repair with duct tape?”

  3. I don’t worry that Trump and Romney will continue to insert their turdy feet into their mouths. Maybe they’ll make it interesting and insert their turdy feet into each others’ mouths. Kinky.

  4. We need a new reality game show called Celebrity Gaffe-off. Pilot episode would feature Romney and Trump head-to-head with the winner getting the right to face off against Biden.

  5. See, I don’t watch enough TV. Is it bad that I rely on your Turd of the Week posts for my political news? I’m in complete denial about this being an election year. So very painful.

  6. This is a great post. I saved a picture of this orange blowfish at his “press conference” and I was just going to post “Who gives a f*ck what this guy says?”
    But this is WAY better and more classy, and the turd drawings give me hope in America.

  7. I still remember your past post’s “I bring lots of paper” picture showing a wad of Donald Trump paper with a toupee. I didn’t know you could make me despise him even more than I did at that moment that I saw him all wad-like.

    I’m fairly certain the rack comment was quoted verbatim.

  8. It was verbatim. I’m a very serious journalist, which is why I was covering such an important turd festival…er.. I mean “press” “conference.”

  9. trump is a moron the best way not 2 get elected is 2 let don the human terd give u his endersment if u think he is cool ui r part 0f tjhe problem dont u c this is just more p/r 4 that stupid show of his the word blow hard comes 2 mind


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