History is for the Turds

Historians can be so mean, you guys. Like you’re doing your thing, you’re founding your country and setting up your laws to benefit people who look exactly like you, and then some dork loser historian keeps writing about how you owned like 300 or something slaves during that time period, and you’re like, “Hey, that’s mean!! Take that back.” And the dork loser historian is like “Make me, dick.” And you’re like “Well, I can’t jerk because I’m dead.” And the dork loser historian is like “You snooze you lose.” And you’re all like “What does that even mean!?! God, I HATE you!!” And then you cry into your pillow until your ivory teeth fall out and you eventually pass out.

I imagine that is what the ghost of George Washington does every day knowing that some dork loser historian wrote in some even dorkier, loser history book about his slave-owning ways.

Isn’t there something we can do to stop George Washington’s pain, you guys? I mean, it like sucks, right?

I know! Let’s, like, take all references to slaves and slavery out of the history books! Slavery was so blech, you guys. It’s like such a downer. Do you think anyone would even miss it? No way.

Oh wow! I wasn’t the first to broach this kickass idea. The Tennessee Tea Party presented a list of five legislative priorities to the state government, and one demands the removal of any reference to any slave-owning done by any Founding Father including Thomas Jefferson, who was a real founding father, if you know what I mean. You don’t? I mean this.

Tennessee Tea Party Leader Hal Rounds thinks any mention of this is “race-baiting.” Exposing the Founding Fathers’ love of owning people disparages them in ways that hurts their feelings, you guys, and it totally needs to stop.  As Hal says:

“(The kids) are being taught (the Founding Fathers) were hypocrites and slave owners and part of the teachings about slavery was that it was inherently cruel.”

I know, like, I’m sure there were times when slavery was inherently fun! Like, maybe one day the slaves were given some extra bread at dinner. I don’t think every day was filled with terror and degradation, right?  Why do we always focus on the negative? And by the way, “White people were whipped too,” Hal says.

Well said.

Or what I mean to say is, well turded, Hal. Your actions have earned you the coveted Turd of the Week™.

And nice shirt.


  1. That shirt is worthy of all the turd awards in the world. What happened to that whole thing with putting the American flag on bathing suits and lounge apparel like being like a bad thing to do and all? Oh, that’s right, someone embroidered it on a throw pillow once and now it’s all good.

    Ivory teeth indeed. George Washington was a fox.

  2. As long as we’re re-writing history, why don’t we also delete that whole Holocaust chapter. It’s not like people need to learn from history or anything. Old news. Let’s focus on the next human rights disaster. I think this guy should head that up.

    1. I know, right? The Holocaust is a big downer. I almost can’t enjoy my hot fudge sundae just thinking about it.

      History can be so lame, like, with its wars and genocides and tragic events.

  3. Awesome. I can’t believe he actually has an audience when he talks. Doesn’t all the sh** coming out if his mouth smell bad? I couldn’t be too close without barfing.

    1. He is a leader in the Tennessee Tea Party so that means other people exist who think “Yeah, let’s get this guy to represent us!” and this is why the American Dream is over.

  4. Wait, are you telling me the founding fathers weren’t slave-owning hypocrites? If so, I’m going to be very disappointed. This guy is ruining my view of the world, where humans are actually running the government.
    Turd UP!

    1. This is our history:

      1) America is No. 1.
      2) We are awesome and only do awesome things.
      3) Every other country sucks balls.
      4) People who wear shirts with American flags can say the most impossibly inane things ever.

  5. Hopefully we can edit this idiot out of history too, or only allow him one footnote — there once was a total asshole who suggested ….

  6. Also, if dorky historians keep criticizing the founding fathers, how can I use their memory to justify my own agenda? It makes my rabid devotion to my agenda and people just like me who support it seem, well, rabid.

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