Fantastic news, everybody!
People magazine has unveiled its top stories of 2011. I can barely contain my excitement or urine–in fact I just peed all over the floor. That has been happening a lot lately. I probably should get that checked out. But there’s no time!! 2011 is rapidly coming to a close and I must know what I was suppose to care about over the last year.
What could the top stories be??????????????????????????? Let’s think…what happened this year that was important? I know braids were big, I learned that from the Today show. Also sharks and Matt Lauer’s whereabouts. Were they bigger than the tsunami in Japan? (yes)
Who’s to say? (Answer: People magazine)
I became intrigued about People magazine’s Year in Review when one of the Today show female anchors who looks like all of the other female anchors interviewed People Managing Editor Kate Coin.
“Charlie Sheen has to top any list,” the anchor says as I grind a Fisher Price toy into my temple.
“Charlie Sheen was, to use a word I think he would approve of, epic,” Kate says.
Who won the Noble Peace Prize this year?
No one knows. Winning.
People split up, got married, split up, dated, participated in competing trials of the century, played with magnetic balls, and cemented my desire to find some way to live on that new planet that’s like Earth, but hopefully has a better Year in Review wrap up.
1. Top story, obvs., was the utter destruction of civilization. Wait, I misread that. It was the royal wedding. This was the wedding of the century. Anyone out there planning a wedding between now and 2099, get ready for some major disappointment because it will not be the wedding of the century. It’s going to be a long, cruel winter of a century. But buck up, I bought you this:
Now people are speculating when the royal shaft will penetrate the royal flower to create a royal baby, and these are people I never want to meet. All I know is that baby will be the baby of the century. Anyone planning on having kids between now and 2099, get ready for some disappointment because your future kid will just be pure crap.
2. Royal sister with completely non canine-like name of Pippa. She was the hottest bridesmaid ever and is currently the world’s most eligible bachelorette, according to People. She is also the greatest person alive or dead, and farts diamonds.
3. 2011 most intriguing non-royal couple actress Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux. They are most intriguing because they intriguingly have sex on each other. A pal is quoted as saying: “I am a figment of the writer’s imagination to add some credibility to this non article. Oh, and Justin and Jen are very much on the same page.”
4. Anderson Cooper’s toddler palate. The news anchor revealed to the huddled masses yearning to breathe free that he never tasted coffee or spinach. I am more intrigued by the Pristiq® ad on the following page:
Here are my questions: Why is she the only Pristiq® doll with a wind-up key in her back? Who teachers a yoga class for Pristiq® dolls? And why the fuck would anyone give a flying fig newton about Anderson Cooper’s dietary nonadventures?
5 – 262. Loudmouths; meatsuits; sham weddings; pharmaceutical ads; child molestors; hysteria; warlocks; iPhone ads passed off as “funny” celebrity articles; Oppprrraaahhhhh; pepper spray; the scourge; cupcakes on a stick; new words like “Tiger Mom” that make me hate words; loser feuds; dead people; pictures of actual news stories using less words than the story about Anderson Cooper’s pooh-pooh of spinach; pooh-pooh; Katy Perry’s peppermint tattoo; and the end of civilization.
Quite a year, my friends! I’m glad I remember none of it.