The Cream of the Crop

This horrible guy makes a business trip to Mexico to check on his factory that manufactures relaxable pickle toys, you know, those things you squeeze to relieve stress. His workers work in the most deplorable conditions imaginable–no ventilation, zero safety apparatus, rabid zombie dogs–get paid literally in peanuts and make toys that are predominately comprised of asbestos-covered lead. This guy’s biggest customers are school districts that buy his comparably cheaper relaxable pickles to hand out as character education awards to children.

On route to his factory, he stops at a roadside restaurant and indulges his insatiable appetite (I should mention that he’s nearly 400 pounds) by eating his weight in chimichangas. The last one, a deep-fried burrito filled with pork anus, sends him running to the bathroom. He throws open the stall door and encounters the filthiest toilet in the history of sewage: the seat is discolored due to a build-up of fecal matter, the toilet bowl makes a factory-farm manure lagoon seem like a mineral bath. But our hero does not care as he tugs furiously at his belt and tries to ignore the giant floating turd on top of partially decomposed shit pile.

For some reason, I thought of this when I heard Matt Lauer say Newt Gingrich had risen to the top of the field of Republican candidates running for president.

Way to go buddy!

And he’s getting a bit of a boost from a wad of cotton candy wrapped tightly around a partially digested pork-anus chimmichanga that has clogged up the toilet. I’m sorry, I meant to say he’s getting some support from Donald Trump.

Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump, and it was the first time I’ve ever witnessed a long distance hand job.

Oh, this is weird….today Donald happens to be releasing his new book (among other things), what a strange coincidence since he has also scheduled his own presidential debate on Dec. 27. His book is called Dipshits Like Me are the Reason America is Collapsing. 

“This debate isn’t going to be all about Donald Trump. You’re not going to use this to get on center stage and talk about what you believe?” Matt inquires.

This is what Donald believes:

“When I put the steaks on the grill, I tell each one ‘You’re fired.’

Matt asks Donald what he thinks about Newt’s loving characterization of poor children who know nothing of work because their parents are lazy a**holes sucking furiously at the teat of the welfare system.

“Sounds about right,” says Donald who has pocketed millions in government subsidies.

Matt asks if Donald will think about getting in the race a second time when he needs a rating boost.

If the country continue to go down the drain, Trump answers. And he is just the wad of cotton candy wrapped tightly around a partially digested pork-anus chimmichanga to stop it.


  1. I’m depending on you to present a complete accounting of the GOP debate as hosted by The Donald. Costumes, etc. Don’t fail me. This is so I don’t have to watch it even though I won’t watch it anyway.

    1. I will likely have to be drunk or high on glue or partially lobotomized or a combination of all three to survive a Donald Trump fiasco of this level.

  2. I saw “The Donald” on TV tonight, fake smiling with Newt and Sean “My Head is going to Explode if Obama’s Re-elected” Hannity, and I thought, “What a great trio of men with small penises and erectile dysfunction”. And then I thought, “That’s not really fair to tiny limp penises” and I just decided that they were all cotton candy pork anus chimichungas. But then I thought that Mexican circus foods are so much better than that, so I just shot myself.

  3. I couldn’t sleep all night after reading this. I fretted over a Republican ticket of Newt and The Donald. But my bigger worry is that people would for those schmoes.

    1. It really does seem like we’re watching a SNL skit or some satire of a presidential race. Maybe this is really an ingenious way to reintroduce the show “Candid Camera.”

  4. When you write about The Donald and Newty Gingerooty (TM), I feel a tiny part of the goodness inside of me crumples into a pile of steaming disfigured turds that I promptly want to flush down a gas station toilet that is already clogged with chunks of partially digested beef jerky.

    I am not kidding. The Daily Show. You. Think about it. If they don’t want you, I don’t know what to think of this world we live in.

    1. I wouldn’t be surprised if Newt’s next commercial unveiled his new fantastic name. I wish it wasn’t trademark because I would totally steal it.

      I doubt I would be hired by the Daily Show, but thanks for the kind thoughts. Just remember that you live in a world filled with tremendous turds, or Newty Gingerooties, as I like to call them.

      1. You might consider a trademark on turd. Before finding your blog, I hadn’t used the word since 1987. Now I probably use it ten times a day. Mostly it’s when I’m watching Fox News.

    1. I believe he funnels the profit to his non profit agency that fights against all that rampant man on dog sex that exists in states that allow gay marriage.

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