Month: November 2011

Please welcome the newsfeed baby!

Not only do I get to sift through friends’ platitudes– “Don’t Look Back. You’re Not Going That Way”–on my Facebook newsfeed, but now I can see what news articles they read on other websites.

This is great. I really wanted to know that people I know on the most superficial of levels are reading articles like “Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting their 20th child” and “SeaWorld Orlando announces new attraction” (Apparently Shamu and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting their 20th hybrid whale-baby)

Facebook has hooked up with Yahoo! and created a newsfeed baby that is a half-brother to the baby created by Yahoo! and Jim Bob Duggar.

I don’t read Yahoo! News because the name itself invalidates everything placed on that page, but it’s basically the sign of the times to come. At some point, Facebook will intertwine directly with our brains and be able to post status updates  like:

I really don’t want random people…excuse me, my besties knowing what I search for and read on the Internet. I look up some weird sh*t on the Internet. For research, thank you very much Mr. FBI agent or Mrs. FBI Agent because I’m not sexist or Ms. FBI agent because you don’t have to be married. I have looked up adult baby syndrome several times. I also searched for information on Richard Simmons and his pom-pom tank top, which incidentally led to many sites on adult baby syndrome. I use search engines when I don’t know how to spell something like gonorrhea or Kim Kardashian. All for this blog.

All for you, readers.

Now the U.S. Supreme Court is hearing a case on whether it’s a-okay for the coppers to track your every move (unbeknownst to you, of course) through GPS. I read about this on Goofball! News. That GPS thing-a-mabob is not good. It touches on the Orvillian (coined for Orville Redenbacher who experimented with hybrid popcorn kernels). I really don’t want the local police to know that I stop at the local Rite-Aid several times to pick up adult diapers for the diaper parties I attend. For research. 

We are one step away from looking as bad as Bruce Willis did wearing that hair piece in Surrogates, a movie I’ve never seen due to spending time in active pursuits like searching adult baby syndrome on the Internet.

How do I know?

I read about it on Facebook.

Why in the World

It was tough this weekend, wasn’t it?

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying. . .

Planning and dreaming each night of his charms. . .

I’m speaking obviously of Matt Lauer and the return of Who Gives a Giant F*** Where Matt Lauer is. . .Seriously, Man. It’s a f****** Recession. I Can’t Pay My Mortgage and You Expect Me To Play Along with Some Dumb Game That Just Shows the Obscene Amount of Money Television Has to Waste? on the Today Show.

On Friday, Matt left viewers with a cryptic clue to figure out where he would turn up on Monday. I spent all weekend mulling it over, which proved difficult because I had not actually seen that segment. I assumed the riddle was this: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

All week we’ll get to follow clues and try to guess what place Matt Lauer deems worthy enough to bark orders at production assistants to bring him steamy hot caffé macchiatos.

Oh I’m sorry… my husband just informed me that the actual title is Where in the World is Matt Lauer. There’s even a jingle!

Where in the world
Where in the world
is Matt Lauer

Show me a sign
Give me a clue
Tell me a hint
and show me something new

It’s a global mystery
You’ve got to watch and see

Where in the world
Where in the world is Matt Lauer

Who in the world
would watch a tool
like Matt Lauer

on the TV
Skiing on sand
Thought life had meaning
We’re all damned

It’s an anniversary
one I wish I didn’t see.

Can you explain
Can you explain
a Matt Lauer.

Apparently three other people–Ann Curry, Al Roker and Natalie Something–care where Matt Lauer is. They, like me, questioned all weekend. They also get paid millions. That is not like me.

So where the f*** is he? The clue was this: Conjures up thoughts of a child’s worst fright, but there’s no people to scare in this skier’s delight.

Okay…child’s worst fright? Vampires, clowns, serial killers, Penn State football coaches (too soon?). Skier’s delight. . . hmm . . that means snow, which means cocaine. Matt Lauer has traveled back in time to the Manson murders.

No, he’s in Namibia. All kids are afraid of skeletons, explains Matt. They are?

And you can ski on sand dunes in the desert on the skeleton coast of Namibia hence the no people and skier’s delight.

Okay, that clue was lame even by Today show standards.

So here’s Matt skiing:

And he’ll be somewhere else tomorrow.

It’s a global mystery. . .  one I hope I never see.

I Like the Way Your Ass Looks in Those Pants

Pizzadential hopeful Herman Cain has been accused of sexual harassment.

As someone who has worked in food industry, I find this shocking…wait…oh right, I find this to be status quo of working in food industry. What’s awesome about being female and working in food industry is that you can get sexually harassed by management, other employees and customers. It’s a win-win-win.

I remember when I worked in a coffee house and I would ask customers if they would like room for cream in their coffee, i.e. not fill it to the point where it’s sloshing over the sides, and some men would inevitably say “Are you the cream?”

No. No, I’m not. You realize that pick-up line is completely nonsensical? It would be better to say “I produce my own cream.” Wait, why am I helping you sexually harass me?

But what the &@*(!& is sexual harassment? Ann Curry wants to know on today Today show. “It’s very difficult to get your hands on it,” she says. I’d like to get my hands on it.

I’m kidding. See my ring? I’m married. I’m just joking around. Jesus, lighten up.

She’s invited some hot pieces of ass to help her sort this issue out. I’d like to sort it out all night long. I can, you know, go all night long. *Speaker7 gestures emphatically toward her package*

Starr Jones says it’s when people do things that are really, really lame.

So it’s really about how the woman responds, Ann queries. Of course women who accuse men of sexual harassment are likely liberal activists or “official hyperventilators of the first order,” according to Republican Rep. Steve King.

He likely has been turned down for sex too many time to mention. Poor Steve and his really, really small penis.

Cain settled for $35,000 with one of his accusers. “That’s a smoking gun, right,” asks Ann.

I’ve got a smoking “gun” for you.

No, that’s a really small settlement, says Starr Jones. Almost as small as Steve King’s penis. Tiny, tiny, tiny.

We haven’t heard yet from Steve Abdubato who wrote a book called You are the Brand and uses the word “brand” as every other word. He seems like an official hyperventilator of the first order when he screams: “Herman Cain’s only brand is that he’s an outsider. I wrote a book about brands. The problem with Herman Cain from a communications and PR branding point of view is that his policy ideas are ridiculous.” He might not have said those last five words. That doesn’t make those last five words less true.

Does Herman Cain’s wife have to get out there and say my husband is not likely the giant slime douchebag he is, Ann asks.

Please don’t, whoever Herman Cain’s wife happens to be.

Steve has a better idea. “Man up. Brand. Brand. I wrote a book about that. Admit that you screwed up. I wasn’t as honest as I brand brand You are the Brand, available on Amazon.”

And that was it.

Poor Steve King and his Ken-doll-like genitalia.

FAQs

This post is for Angie.

We share a love of Shaun Cassidy and Ralph Macchio and a hatred of candy corn and elephant peanuts. While we have never met, I believe we are kindred spirits. If you have not read any of her writings, you must go to her site now.  I’ll wait.

You’re back? Her writing is extremely funny, right? I probably should have had you click after you read my post….

Anyhoboken, it saddened me that my post about fame-demon Kim Kardashian’s marriage divorce left Angie with many questions. If you didn’t click on the link, I will give you a summary of my post. I wrote about how I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.

I was going to write today’s post on my solution to the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, but I felt this was much more pressing. It’s probably for the best because my husband just informed me that they are not in fact rock bands. (my solution had something to do with a rock off, which is a twist on the dance off: see Michael Jackson’s Beat It. It might possibly still apply)

I will answer the most important question first:

The jelly I put on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich was Welch’s grape jelly. I use that squeezable bottle kind. It’s really quite handy.

I will tackle the second most important question now: What does Matt Lauer think about this? This question has the presupposition that Matt Lauer thinks. For the sake of answering this question speedily, I will overlook that and assume that he does. I didn’t know what Matt Lauer “thought” when I wrote yesterday’s post, but I do now.

Well sorta…

“This has a lot of people shaking their heads,” said Matt Lauer before segueing into a docudrama about Kim’s love affair with butter.

An E! Keebler elf said this: “They’re in the public eye, lots of attention and lots of speculation, and frankly lots of pressure…”

Two of my eyelashes start to rub against each other approximating a tiny violin. It plays Big Bottom by Spinal Tap, which was the song playing when Kim walked down the aisle.

“And that couldn’t have helped. Up next Kim and Khloe Kare Kfor Kittens!”

Tomorrow, Matt Lauer will have the exclusive interview with Kim’s mom Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner’s original face, which she keeps in velvet-lined box. Perhaps I will be able to better answer that question then or maybe I will luck out and the world will end tonight.

Angie wanted to know why Kim was getting a divorce after only 72 days of marriage. I shot over to the TMZ website, and I believe my soul was just sucked out through my eyeballs.

Kim blogged about this. She said she got caught up in the hoopla of trying to stay relevant when she had nothing to offer the world. That might not be an accurate reading of what Kim wrote, but I lost my soul so what can you expect?

You can expect that I will have my own reality television show in about two weeks.