I like my up with a little ness

I like knowledge. I like to be in the know and know…um… things? Yes, things. And after watching a segment on Hoda and Kathie Lee on the Today show, I know so much less.

The segment was  pitched as “if you have trouble understanding how men think then watch” and I was told by Hoda to sit and take notes. So I did. I also bashed myself in the head several times with a shoe, but this was after I watched the segment.

The dystopic duo was interviewing Donnie Deutsch, who can settle your tax debt for twenty dwollars!! Twenty dwollars! I am mistaken. That is Roni Deutch. Donnie Deutsch is ??? I have no idea and no one explains. He has knowledge.

What does a man find sexy in a woman?

“Ah you know what, there is no one you can’t you know I don’t think I can answer that on behalf of all men one thing that men overall find is upness,” Donnie Deutsch eloquently answers.

Got it. Wait….what?

Upness is energy, according to Donnie. I looked it up in Merriam-Webster Online and the dictionary responded: What craziness did you just type?

Donnie then cups his hands in front of his chest to insinuate big boobies. Classy in a very upness kind of way. I should mention that Donnie Deutsch sounds exactly like Joe Pesci. And is actually a clown and wants to amuse you, but really, really fails.

Next question.

Is the first date too soon to ask what the guy is looking for in a relationship?

“Yes, first of all never ask a guy what he’s looking for let it happen, but you definitely do, you definitely do not, the first date don’t do anything about you as a couple, just talk enjoy be fun okay and never say where are we going?” says Donnie like he’s reading a Shakespearean sonnet.

You know what a man wants to hear, says Kathie Lee. “Tell me about you.”

Donnie says a man wants to hear ‘wow’ and he giggles uncontrollably. This is becoming uncomfortable or I should say more uncomfortable? Or downness? Yes, it’s becoming downness.

Can long distance relationships actually work?”

“Absolutely you know they’ve done a study recently that when time, when you’re apart, it’s interesting you travel don’t you appreciate Frank [Gifford] that much more when you’ve come back I think time apart with a couple is very, very healthy,” answers Deutsch as if he were giving the preamble to the I Have a Dream speech.

Got it. So I should swing with another couple while I’m apart from my husband.

How do you get a guy to become more romantic?

“I think first of all you can’t make someone be romantic they either are or they’re not, you can also say there are things we, we don’t know a lot of stuff,” Deutsch rhapsodies in a Sermon-on-the-Mount like rap.

I would agree. You do not know a lot of stuff.

And now neither do I.



  1. Holy hell that was the most amazingly awkwardly terribly nonsensical interview I have ever not actually listened to but instead read which made it ever more difficult to understand!!!

    Where is this Donnie douche bag? I want to kick him in his stomach.

  2. Holy shit. I wish I had watched that instead of working on my current project, translating Old Testament selections from the original Aramaic. But I Googled Donnie Deutsch and got Donny Deutsch and it said “TV personality and advertising executive” and there was a photo of him in a speedo with a caption that said “Donny messing around with married women.” Now, back to the Bible.

  3. Wow that was amazing. I feel less intelligent after reading it. I’m curious how he got onto the Today show in the first place. Do they just interview anyone who makes it through security? You should be on there as an expert on “how to use the internet for stuff.”

  4. I totally agree with Donnie (how fu#king old is this guy with a name like “Donnie”?). Women, are, and that’s what they want, when, after being away, the romance and didn’t Frank bone a stewardess, on the first date it’s just to enjoy.
    Very insightful speaker7

    1. Wow…when you put it in perspective like that and men feel about how come it takes where is the and I think that and yes, Frank did bone a stewardess but he’s all about Kathie L now and it’s being yourself and fun! Oh–and upness.

  5. Great post!!! Oh, to be out there in the 20s swinging yet desperate Single World again, back when you emotionally masturbated to every bonehead thing a bonehead said about dating. I think he wrote a quiz I took in the April ’95 issue of Cosmo. It was called “Does he still love me if he just f*cked my roommate?”

    Is it possible you know that he maybe you know is I don’t know you know related to you know maybe um you know you know you know Caroline Kennedy you know? You know?

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