No, wait. . . I take that back. I really want the entire ice cream cake. It’s one of the few pleasures on my birthday. I know we live in Obama’s socialist America now, but I am the 99 percent when it comes to that cake and I will occupy it with my mouth. I will form the Cake Party if I have to, and rewrite history to fit with my worldview such as Nov. 15 being declared Speaker7 Ice Cream Cake Day by Thomas Jefferson in the Emancipation Magna Carta Independence Day SUV Sale of 1912. It’s in the Constitution. Look it up.
So no cake, okay? Seriously, how are you suppose to eat it? Do I smear some on my laptop screen and somehow through the miracle of Internet pipes and tubes, it will drip onto your computer screen like the hairy girl from The Ring?
I know Cornell is working on some invention where you can print food by filling print cartridges with ketchup or something so it’s entirely possible in the future, I can send you a word document of my ice cream cake and you can print out a piece covered in ketchup (SCIENCE!!), but for now I’m just going to eat it. I’m going to scrape off the inedible blue plutonium-based frosting that tastes like you would think blue plutonium-based frosting would taste and shovel in cake until I experience an ice cream cake headache befitting of my years on this planet.
I am also getting my hair cut.
Try not to choke on your jealousy as you wish you could partake in my awesome birthday extravaganza. This one is up there with the one held at Roy Rogers restaurant (that was last year) and my 21st when I drank a mudslide at Applebee’s. I was my generation’s Snooki.
I do have a few birthday wishes. I know they became meaningless if said out loud so if you are a read-aloud reader, read this next part in your head.
Here are my wishes for my 3?th birthday:
- ice cream cake
- a hairstyle that will require minimal to no work on my part to maintain
- all my peeps on my blogroll (cuz that’s how I roll, yo) get recognition for being the truly talented writers they are…and compensated accordingly
- peace on earth
- the extinction of the Kim Kardashian
May you all have a happy Speaker7 Ice Cream Cake Day!