Why in the World

It was tough this weekend, wasn’t it?

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying. . .

Planning and dreaming each night of his charms. . .

I’m speaking obviously of Matt Lauer and the return of Who Gives a Giant F*** Where Matt Lauer is. . .Seriously, Man. It’s a f****** Recession. I Can’t Pay My Mortgage and You Expect Me To Play Along with Some Dumb Game That Just Shows the Obscene Amount of Money Television Has to Waste? on the Today Show.

On Friday, Matt left viewers with a cryptic clue to figure out where he would turn up on Monday. I spent all weekend mulling it over, which proved difficult because I had not actually seen that segment. I assumed the riddle was this: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

All week we’ll get to follow clues and try to guess what place Matt Lauer deems worthy enough to bark orders at production assistants to bring him steamy hot caffé macchiatos.

Oh I’m sorry… my husband just informed me that the actual title is Where in the World is Matt Lauer. There’s even a jingle!

Where in the world
Where in the world
is Matt Lauer

Show me a sign
Give me a clue
Tell me a hint
and show me something new

It’s a global mystery
You’ve got to watch and see

Where in the world
Where in the world is Matt Lauer

Who in the world
would watch a tool
like Matt Lauer

on the TV
Skiing on sand
Thought life had meaning
We’re all damned

It’s an anniversary
one I wish I didn’t see.

Can you explain
Can you explain
a Matt Lauer.

Apparently three other people–Ann Curry, Al Roker and Natalie Something–care where Matt Lauer is. They, like me, questioned all weekend. They also get paid millions. That is not like me.

So where the f*** is he? The clue was this: Conjures up thoughts of a child’s worst fright, but there’s no people to scare in this skier’s delight.

Okay…child’s worst fright? Vampires, clowns, serial killers, Penn State football coaches (too soon?). Skier’s delight. . . hmm . . that means snow, which means cocaine. Matt Lauer has traveled back in time to the Manson murders.

No, he’s in Namibia. All kids are afraid of skeletons, explains Matt. They are?

And you can ski on sand dunes in the desert on the skeleton coast of Namibia hence the no people and skier’s delight.

Okay, that clue was lame even by Today show standards.

So here’s Matt skiing:

And he’ll be somewhere else tomorrow.

It’s a global mystery. . .  one I hope I never see.


  1. I’m so glad you watch the Today Show so I don’t have to. That segment seems so exciting the way you describe it, so I’m sure I’d be completely letdown to watch it myself and find out that it actually is important breaking news and hard-nosed journalism they’re selling on there. I like it this way, this fluffy-like-cotton-candy type of way, much better. I’m sure Walter Cronkite would agree with me. I can almost here him say, “Job well done, Matt.”

    1. I remember when Walter Cronkite did his “Where in the world is Walter Cronkite?” and he went bungee jumping with Twiggy off of the New Jersey boardwalk. It was magical.

  2. I prefer to follow a segment titled “Where in the World is Me?” about the antics of short, post-menopausal woman who travels from place to place, without ever having any idea where she is going. She gets lost in her home. She gets lost finding her way back from restaurant bathrooms. She gets lost in her own thoughts. Unlike Matt, nobody cares about this. But they should.

  3. Are you sure you’re not secretly working for Matt? This whole post reads suspiciously like an ironic ad for this segment….hmmmm…where in the world are your true alliances one might ask…not me, I’m not asking that…but one might.

  4. Last week, in cable-outage-related distress, I watched The Today Show instead of my usual morning programming. I could actually feel my brain start to rot. And now I realize how the inevitable zombie apocalypse will begin…

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