Month: October 2011

Judge the pom-poms, not the pounds

I hate Entertainment Tonight.

It’s loud. It’s an assault on all the senses. It has “celebrities” who are unrecognizable.

But I was compelled to watch tonight. Why?

This:

Richard Simmons was weighing in about overweight actresses. I saw a commercial for this segment during the Dr. Oz show. Why was I watching the Dr. Oz show?  Well, when I was flipping through channels, I saw Dr. Oz throwing confetti at a woman holding a posterboard that read “mucous” and thought “This seems science-like.” The commercial for Richard Simmons’ appearance occurred between that and the segment where the woman dipped her hand into two different gallons of mucous. When she pulled her hand out of the thicker beaker of green goo, I began to think “Wait, what the f*** was Richard Simmons wearing?”

So I knew I had to watch it later. I had to slog through a never-before-seen Breaking Dawn exclusive where Taylor Lautner feigned acting in front of a green screen and some other random person said I could share my Twilight contribution to the Twilight time capsule, and I cut a little bit into my arm just so I could feel something.

I had to watch a Kohl’s commercial passed off as a segment on women wearing men’s clothing according to the trend guy(?), and the items of clothing were a sweater dress over tights and knee-high boots.

I had to watch them break down the power of Cher. They interviewed the Moviefone guy. He said. “If you’d like times for Footloose, press 1. Human Centipede 2, press 2.”

I had to listen to some woman screaming about old women dating baby men. Linda Evans from Dallas dated Yanni. She said she got plastic surgery because of it. “I was dating a man 20 years…..er….12 years younger,”  almost slipped, Linda, keep it together, she thinks to herselfand then I had to listen to John Mayer sing and I frantically looked for a silver-plated letter opener to jam into my ear to bring about peace.

But sweet relief…the Richard Simmons’ segment came on….and yes, he is wearing a black tank top covered in pom-poms. And I’m waiting for someone to ask “Okay, so what the f*** is up with the pom-poms?” Instead Richard Simmons is asked about overweight actresses.

“We judge people by the pound,” he says.

And the next logical follow-up question is clearly “Right, but what the f*** are you wearing?”

But it’s not. They talk a bit about actress Melissa McCarthy and Richard–wearing a black tank top covered in pom poms, I mean, it’s nearly impossible to discern the color of the tank top due to the amount of pom poms on it–says he would like to kiss her, and that when you make fun of yourself that’s okay, but when other people make fun of you it’s not.

So I guess the pom-pom covered tank top is a challenge? I don’t know.

All I know is after watching nearly 23 minutes of Entertainment Tonight, I would welcome sticking my head into a vat of mucous.

 

 

Keep the Strange

Holy turdballs!

There are times when one is faced with adversity, and one has to summon the strength to overcome it and be the better for it.

This is not one of those times.

Countrysinger Hank Williams Jr. is mad at ESPN and Fox & Friends because they’re turded all over his freedoms such as his freedom to be paid millions in licensing fees for screaming “Are you ready for some football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” before the weekly Monday Night football snoozefest. His voice’s ouster resulted from his saying on Fox & Assorted Imbeciles that Obama’s golf outing with the orange-hued John Boehner is like Hitler playing golf with an oompa loompa from the 1971 classic film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:

What’s a millionaire to do except write the worst song in the history of civilization?

I downloaded this song.

My life will never the be the same.

I repeatedly listened to Keep the Change in order to write this blog post. My ears feel violated as if Hitler used them as his golf tees in his friendly game with Netanyahu.

In the first and second verses, Bocefus lists all of the freedoms he will keep such as:

1. his freedom

2. his guns

3. his money

4. his religion

5. his job

6. his smile

7. his Christian name

8. his heroes’ pictures on the wall

9. his family’s safety

10. his freedom to call your bluff

11. his big V8(??)

12. his friends

13. his right to keep the government out of his business

14. his turdishly awful songwriting “ability”

But you know what the rest of y’all can do? Y’all can keep the change.

Oh dear mother of horrible songwriting. It’s just, it’s just soooooo not good. It makes Rebecca Black’s Friday sound like Un bel di from Madame Butterfly.

Now I saw a video on Youtube of Hank singing these same exact words from a venue in 2009 so this feels a bit Candle-in-the-Windesque. But there is a new third verse, which is just killer:

“So ‘Fox and Friends’ / Wanna put me down / Ask for my opinion / Then twist it all around / Supposed to be talking about my father’s new CD / Well two can play that gotcha game, just wait and see / Don’t tread on me”

The chorus is just how the country is now socialist and going down the drain.

You can download the song for free on Hank’s website, which seems a bit socialist if you ask me. It’s like Karl Marx writing a song with Hitler to sing on Socialist American Idol (premiering Jan. 3 on Fox).

Because his freedoms are being stymied, Hank appeared to give his point of view on The Irrelevant Yapping Show. You may also know this as The View.

Hank has one of the flapping heads read from a dictionary. He says the golf game was a bunch of politicians “juking.” He says “Mickey’s a mean mouse” (Disney owns ESPN and The View because corporate control of all media is so freedomy). He likes this Mickey and points to the name Mantle on the back of his Yankees shirt. All the while the flapping heads talk over him. This appearance was very, very strange.

And you know what y’all can do?

Y’all can keep the strange.

The Pulse of Hair

Today is a day of celebrating discoveries.

I’m not talking about Chris Columbus arriving in Boston on the Mayflower to dump tea on the top of Plymouth Rock and then going on to direct Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire (reference: Palin, S. Going Rogue: An American Life.).

I’m talking about the latest hair craze that is tying the world into knots of frenzied excitement.

What is it? BRAINSSSSSSSS.

Sorry, I’m became a bit of a zombie there for a second, but I am watching the Today show so that is understandable.

What is it? BRAIDSSSSSSSS.

It’s made it’s way from the silver screen to the small screen to everywhere in between like Wendy from Wendy’s, braided rugs, this:

Columbus discovers the braid keeps his hair from entangling in hot tea at the Boston Tea Party Massacre of 1213 in Philadelphia.

I never really thought the braid left, but apparently the braid had mixed itself up with hemp and been in rehab until recently.

But now “the word on the runway is that the braid is back” according to Ann Curry.

Some old man says he’s seen it on the streets, on the red carpet. It even formed a rubber band. “Wow this is really cute,” he says using very appropriate language for an elder gentlemen of means.

Apparently the new braid is “edgy.” It’s not like the subdued braids worn by Pippi Longstocking.

It’s now no longer a question of who’s doing braids, it’s who isn’t, some random interviewee states. Has this really been weighing on people’s minds? Has anyone here reading this blog ever asked anyone in their life “Are you doing braids?” and now suddenly you have to change that question to “Are you not doing braids?” Could this just be summed up by looking at the person’s hair? So many questions. I feel all tangled (do you see what I did there? Yeah I don’t either).

This same random interviewee says the new and improved braid is loose and undone and “very much on the pulse of what’s going on in hair.” Well now at least someone is making sense in this segment.

The old man is back saying he opened up a braid bar in his salon and business is “gang busters.” It may also be really cute.

Braids give women freedom some random person says. They are the Emancipation Proclamation of hairstyles.

Now an US Weekly correspondent will “teach” us something about hair. This will become the norm once the public school system is completely decimated.

We see it on the tennis courts, the runway, celebrities, she lectures. “This is really a twist on the classic braid.”

I’m still not sure I get it….is the new braid different from the old braid? Hmmm I’m not sure the point has been made the 700 times it’s been said in this 5 minute segment.

Unlike neon and skinny jeans, the teacher teaches, the old and fat can get in on this action too. (I’m paraphrasing, but that is essentially what she said and I’ve learned so much). All the women of the world will be woven and intermingled together by the strands of their hair much in the same way plastic and other debris form giant garbage patches in the oceans.

So thank you Chris Columbus for “discovering” the Bahamas that eventually led to Europeans taking over North America and finally to the founding of the Today show and BRAINSSSSSSSS.

Amazing Bargains and Values!

I think I might have mentioned in a previous post how much I love politics. There’s just something about millionaires and billionaires spending their millions and billions on an election, talking about how they came from sharecroppers and walked 400 miles each day to attend a hobo school in the wilderness where they had to gnaw on sticks to make pencils, that just really causes my heart to soar.

I think I might have mentioned in a previous post how much I love organized religion. There’s just something about sky deity smackdowns that cause my soul to soar and crash into my heart.

But when the two mix? Oh, sweet jesus, that is some wonderful stuff. Just wonderstuff. And it’s happening right now, at a little lovefest called Values Voter Summit. This is where millionaires and billionaires talk about how much they are like Jesus Christ in order to win your vote.

Photograph taken from a U.S. History book approved by the Texas Board of Education

According to the Gospel of Grover, Jesus was a conservative Republican who traveled across the land preaching smaller government and free market with no regulations. “Then he cometh to the city of Galilee, and seeing the multitudes he went up into a mountain. And he opened his mouth and sayeth: Blessed are the job creators, for they shall inherit the wealth.” (Grover 2:2)

The Values Voter Summit is all about values. I learned this from the title. (gold star for Speaker7) There is no voter in America that is not a values voter, according to presidential hairpiece Rick Perry, it’s just some voters have kick ass values and others have suck values.

What are the kick ass values?

  • saying “under God” in the pledge of allegiance. Newton Gingrich said he was running for dogcatcher because some court ruled that phrase unconstitutional. Thank god someone has his eye on the most important issue facing this nation. Whenever I hear it mumbled by a group of students in complete monotone, it brings a tear to my eye.

Suck value?

  • not giving a sh*t about a nonissue that exists to misdirect Americans from noticing that wages for average workers has not increased in three decades.

There were many amazing things said by true followers of Jesus Christ that it’s almost impossible to contain my fingers while I type…they constantly seem to want to form number 1 signs especially the middle fingers.

Like when Rick Perry said: “You know, some hold this worldview that government must be central in our – in our lives and serve as our caretaker. They seek more than equal opportunity, they seek equal outcomes” which is conservative code for share the wealth. And this means these haters don’t believe in American exceptionalism in the sense that it is so exceptional to get a $20 million bonus after letting multitudes of people’s pensions go in the toilet.

This reminded me of that famous Jesus parable, you know, the fishes and loaves? I will end my post with it:

“In those days the multitudes being very great, and having nothing to eat, Jesus called his disciples unto him, and saith unto them: ‘what is wrongeth with these multitudes, cannot they findeth a job to payeth for some foodeth?’ And the disciples answered ‘from whence can a man find a job and food here in the wilderness?’ And Jesus asked ‘How many loaves have ye?’ And they said ‘Seven.’ And he commanded his disciples to bring him the loaves. He took the seven loaves and crammethed them into his mouth. His disciples asked ‘what about all the others?’ Jesus wiped the crumbs from his mouth and replied ‘Fuck them.’ – (Grover 1:10-14)

Shark Week is Every Week

Prognosticators have been prognosticating how future wars will not be fought over oil, but water. What these proctologisnosticators have failed to predict is that the enemy will not be man..

…..wait for it……

But SHARK! Dum Dum Dummmmmmmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbb!!!!!!

Sharks are infiltrating our fresh water in their quest for world domination, according to the Today show. I’m paraphrasing, of course. No one actually said that. The Today show instead talked about a kid catching a shark interjected with clips from the movie Jaws while ominous music played in the background. They are a serious news organization so they would never directly say something as crazy as the first sentence of this paragraph.

The on-air correspondent is in waders standing in a nondescript creek somewhere in Georgia that first sounded like Bologna, but is some place else. Because he is a serious journalist, he says “I’ve got to admit, I’m a little nervous standing in this water mainly because of what happened here.” A shark then leaps out of the water and bites off his head. Another shark gives the head-biting shark a high-five. Okay, that didn’t happen. The serious waders-wearing journalist says this spot is where two bull sharks paid a visit. And it wasn’t to sell Girl Scout cookies. He didn’t say that last part, but he could have and it would have been the greatest thing he said this entire segment.

In the movie Jaws, the serious reporter begins…do you remember that movie? You don’t? Well let’s show a clip of the robot shark eating half of a boat….the hunt for a killer shark began in the ocean, but here the shark showdown (he seriously used these words because he is serious) was basically in his backyard. The “his” is Noel, a 16-year-old boy from a family of shrimpers, who saw the sharks and caught one. That would take about 10 seconds to explain, but then it wouldn’t effectively scare the shit out of you.

This is what really is in store for all of you:

In the Shark War, nowhere is safe.

Yup, I saw two sharks, says Noel.

They were the man-eating bull sharks responsible for more deadly shark attacks than any other breed, fishes the journalist. The Today show should know. It reports on one attack several times so you think you will be killed by a bull shark merely uttering the word “ocean.” See here.

It was doozy, Noel says. Over 300 pounds, 8 feet, 5 inches long.

And that’s about 4.5 feet of water, the journalist terrorizes. So if the shark stood up, it would suffocate. But it would likely kill everything in sight before that happened.

Three minutes into a 3:35 minute segment, the reporter says no fresh water attacks have even been reported, but IT COULD HAPPEN!!!! Just like a piano could fall on top of you if you jackhammer a street at 4:30 a.m.

Noel points out he caught the shark where kids learn to swim. He’s a high school junior, narrates the host.  The segment cuts to his mom “Yeah, that’s my boy.” I think the serious journalist is running out of things to report. This part seems a bit unfocused.

Noel caught one of the sharks, the journalist intones. “We don’t know if the other shark is still around.” And he’s successfully back to full-panic mode.

Yes, that other shark is still out there. Still at large. Still waiting. Still plotting. Still wishing to take over the world.

The Shark War has just begun.

I Hate Charlie Brady King

This post will be a little disappointing. Readers I know you tune into this blog (since it is a radio show) and expect to be blown away by scholarly insight like Dr. Phil is a turd and the decline of America began when someone asked “Where’s the beef?” and someone else answered “I don’t know”…but here’s the thing, some person with the face of an ass (aka assface) decided to jackhammer my street at 4:30 a.m.

This is not a pleasant sound to be gently lulled into a conscious state. It can lead to outbursts of “What the f—-!!” and the ripping aside of drapes in order to burn the offender alive with death laser beams shooting from the eyeballs. It can lead to this:

I am a morning person, but 4:30 is still the middle of the night. I occasionally pulled all-nighters in college or at middle school slumber parties to avoid having my hand placed in a warm cup of water (my college roommates were aholes). I found that around 4 a.m., reality became a little fuzzy, a little dreamlike and things that happened during that time could not be recalled. Of course, it’s possible I fell asleep, but my point is 4:30 is not a proper time for a jackoff jerkwad to jackhammer into asphalt.

So I’m not bringing my A game to this post. It’s more like my Q game. I feel like I’m a contestant on Top Chef: Just Desserts and I’ve been asked to make a dessert out of raviolis and bottle of Brass Monkey, which is what the contestants were just asked to do on the rerun I’m watching. See I can’t even come up with my own analogies. Oh, the humanity.

Sarah Palin is not running for president. I learned this from the TV. They showed footage of her speaking at a Tea Party rally. Someone held a sign that said “I Like the Smell of the Tea Party in the Morning.” I would like to put that on a T-shirt and then take that T-shirt and jakehammer it on top of a sewer line. And then I would make another T-shirt that says “I Like the Smell of a Sewage-Soaked Jackhammered T-Shirt Over the Smell of the Tea Party in the Morning.”

She is putting her family first and working to elect those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of our nation. That “fundamental transformation” is in “quotes” because it is a “beautiful” turn-of-phrase uttered by Clown Baby…I mean, “Glenn Beck,” who is a giant baby with the comic timing of a tramp.

Palin’s statement continues, and it’s one of the few times I would gladly accept a jackhammer to the head over listening to any more, but the gist is she’s going to work to bring this country back, and I never know what this means. Back to what? The time of Jim Crow? The time when women pretty much had three career paths open to them: teacher, nurse, housewife? The time of child labor and poor houses? The time before Kim Kardashian’s Fairytale Wedding? The time before Charles Brady King invented the jackhammer?

…I think she may be onto something.

 

Reno is Not the Biggest Little City In World

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming memoir “Jerry Springer Got Me Pregnant and Maury Povich Will Prove It” which will be coming out just in time for the holiday season in late January. It will make the perfect gift for National Weatherman’s Day on Feb. 5 (screw you, Weatherwomen).

The night Jerry Springer came to town, a massive power outage turned off lights, TVs and cell phone chargers in eight states and Canada.

This was August 14, 2003 and my then-fiancé T and I were talking politics and drinking beer at the Hyatt Regency in Buffalo. The city was largely unaffected.

I looked up and saw Jerry enter the room.

“Look there’s Jerry Springer.”

T gave me a look as if to say ‘big deal,’ thinking I was referring to an episode of the Jerry Springer Show on the bar’s television. He swiveled around in his chair and caught sight of the trash TV icon.

Jerry wore a simple pink polo shirt and khaki pants. His hair was perfectly conditioned.

Speaker7's future Babydaddy

He talked on a cell phone to some stranger in Michigan who didn’t believe the cell phone’s owner that Jerry was there. I wanted to throw my chair and yell obscenities at the cell phone’s owner as a way of paying homage to Jerry, but I saw none of his bodyguards and it wouldn’t have felt quite right without being restrained by them afterwards. I mumbled a quiet, respectful “I’ll bleeping kill you, you bleeping whore.”

“What?” T asked.

A group of young people holding out pens and folders encircled Jerry. Buffalo was also the destination for Young Democrats attending a Young Democrats Convention. Howard Dean seemed to be the favorite although I noticed a few John Kerry buttons. Of course we all know how well things turned out. But I don’t hold Jerry responsible. I never would.

While Jerry signed autographs and basked in the attention of his admirers, I wondered about Reno. Not the city in Nevada, but a transsexual who appeared on Jerry’s show. It just so happened T and I had watched that particular “classic” Springer episode earlier in the day.

Reno was a woman who lived as a man and had sexual relationships with other women who didn’t know Reno’s biological gender. Reno thought it was best to come clean with Danielle, the woman he had been seeing for two months and recently slept with because he thought Danielle should know.

And what better place for total disclosure than the Jerry Springer Show?

Danielle came out to cheers and took her seat next to Reno.

“Ain’t I been good to you baby?” Reno asked holding onto her hand. “The best you ever had?”

Danielle smiled and said “yes” knowing that since this was the Springer show only good surprises were in store for her.

“Well, I’m a woman.”

Jerry handled it perfectly. Usually his golden nuggets of wisdom are saved for the “Final Thought” segment at the end of the show, but he unleashed them left and right, many of them landing squarely on Reno’s ass.

“You have the right to be who you are. . .” Jerry began. I started clapping, a few woo-hoos followed.

“But when you sleep with someone, they have the right to know your gender.”

Yes, Jerry. Slam dunk.

And then the power went out.

T and I were left to wonder whether Danielle and Reno could work things out despite their differences. If these young kids couldn’t make it work, then who could? I wanted to have faith in love. I wanted to believe that even with deception, mangled English and public humiliation, loved prevailed. I wanted Jerry to tell me.

I knew there was a reason why Jerry and I ended up in the same hotel bar miles away from our respective homes in the middle of black-out and Young Democrats convention. It couldn’t just be coincidence.

With the repetitive “Jer-ry. . . Jer-ry. . . Jer-ry” running through my head, I stood up from the table.

“Whoa [Speaker7],” T said. “Where are you going?”

I looked at T and bent over to cup his face wondering how he would react if I told him I really hated Indian food although we continued to celebrate our anniversary at the Indian restaurant where we had our first date. If Reno could offer full disclosure to Danielle didn’t T deserve the same?

“Ain’t I been good to you baby? The best you’ve ever had?”

“You’re drunk, aren’t you,” T replied.

I stumbled over to the crowd surrounding Jerry. I felt I could get closer by body-slamming people. Finally I was face-to-face with my hero, and then my mind went blank, my vision blurred. I squeaked out “Reno?”

Jerry looked perplexed

“I’m sorry, honey, what did you say?”

“Reno. What ever happened to Reno?”

Jerry studied me a moment and said “I think the power outage was mainly limited to the northeast. Thanks for watching.”

And then he was gone, swept up in a tide of Dean supporters.

I turned and T was beside me.

“Let’s go,” he said.

I was disappointed. T said if I cared so much, I could just order a copy of the classic episode and find out the ending that way.

But no.

I wanted to believe that Danielle and Reno were sipping pina coladas and laughing about how Danielle called Reno “Fuckin’ disgusting” on the show.

Richard Scarry’s Busy, Busy Town

It is with a heavy heart that I make this announcement:

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s probable divorce is something I care very little about.

Speaker7 before hearing the news

Speaker7 after hearing the news

I know I’m suppose to care. I know their split will likely make me question the fragility of my own marriage (actually, probably not). Yet whenever it’s on the news (because it is news, goddammit!), I find myself paging through my son’s copy of Busy, Busy Town by Richard Scarry. Did you know there are all kinds of writers? The best writers write children books in an office in busy, busy town.

The Today show really wants me to care so that makes me really want to try to care because I really, really seek the Today show’s approval. They want me to care so much that they made a little news documentary about the possible divorce all the while ignoring the Occupy Wall Street protest that is happening a few blocks away. Just to be clear, people protesting the way Wall Street ass-raped the entire country in 2008 and continues to do so is not news. Public employees caused the recession with their demands for actual living wages and decent working conditions. We should all go back to the heyday of working in meatpacking factories for 16 hours a day with no safety regulations whatsoever.

Millionaires tweeting inanities is news.

So some Gillette commercial actor pretending to be a news correspondent is telling the Barbie Doll anchor that something is seriously up in the House of Kutcher.  Demi Moore looks even more skeletal. Ashton was out alone partying hours before the couple’s 6th anniversary. “Even People Magazine is questioning the state of their union.” Holy sh*t!!!!!!!!!!! I had no idea it was this serious. People Magazine is questioning!?! That’s like if zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I’m back. What else is happening? I swear I saw this guy using the Gillette Profusion Glide®, but okay he’s a “reporter.” This “reporter” tells us we’re left to read between the tweets. Jesus @#$#*&! Christ. Okay, let’s get it over with.

Demi tweets: blah blah blah

Ashton tweets: Blee blee blee

We will now get to the bottom of this by interviewing two people who make far too much money doing stupid things for a living, Bonnie Fuller and some other person whose name I didn’t catch.

Bonnie says it was surprise that they were even together, but blah blah blah blah.

Barbie anchor asks about the difficulties of May-December romances since Demi is 15 years older. Let’s just point out that this is asked all the time about relationships between older men and younger women like:

  • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – 12 year age difference
  • Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart – 22 years
  • Michael Douglass and Catherine Zeta Jones – 25 years
  • Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn – 35 years
  • Rupert and Wendi Deng Murdoch – 37 years
  • Edward Cullen and Bella Swan – 92 years
  • Papa Smurf and Smurfette – 491 years

Except it’s not.

Other lady says younger men like older women because boringngngngngngnnggngngn. The power relationship has changed. When they met Demi was a Hollywood icon and Ashton was just an average joe making $10,000 an episode for a blah TV show. Today he’s making an obscene amount of money on a truly awful TV show. Growth.

So that’s the whole sordid tale for now. I will keep you posted.

Update: Speaker7 continues to not care about this story.