My New Exclusive Best Friend

This is a momentous time.

I’m not talking about the return of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer,” a segment where Matt Lauer travels to five secret destinations and everyone or no one should care, take your pick. I pick no one.

I’m also not talking about the release of Clown Beck’s new book I Cry Therefore I Am: A Study of Adult Baby Syndrome. It sounded really good when he cried about it to Kathie Lee Gifford. “I’m much more than a cartoon character,” he cried cryingly.

Heinz is releasing a new ketchup, an exclusive ketchup only available to the billions of people who use Facebook. This is a big story. I heard about this on NPR this morning. I first had to check that NPR was still a news agency (it is) and then I realized that this was a momentous time hence the opening line of this post.

The new flavor is balsamic vinegar ketchup. You can obtain it by becoming its friend on Facebook.

I am very excited. I’ve never made friends with a ketchup before, let alone a famous ketchup. At first I thought I mustard misheard, but now I relish the opportunity.

I wonder what its status updates will be?

Maybe “I’m a ketchup! Just sayin.” or “I may be a ketchup, but even I don’t give a flying f*** about ‘Where in the World is Matt Lauer.'”

I cannot wait to find out.

I wonder if it will like the same bands as me or watch the same TV shows. I hope so because I don’t know what else we can talk about.

Will it laugh, if I put “Heinzee, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship” on its wall?

Will it get angry if I question why that watery crap always seems to come out first and ruin my hamburger?

Will it be a godketchup to the second child I’m pressured into having by work acquaintances?

Endless possibilities…people are already posting how excited they are on the original Heinz ketchup Facebook page. These people have incredibly fulfilling lives covered in generous amounts of tomato concentrate.

This is what the original Heinz ketchup has as its status update: “Pumpkins aren’t just for carving! This weekend enjoy our Pumpkin Spice Bars as a delicious treat while you put the finishing touches on your Halloween costumes.”

Pumpkin spice bars made out of ketchup sound wonderful…almost as wonderful as becoming friends with a bottle of ketchup.

Momentous times.


  1. I loved this post!!! I agree; there are endless possibilities ahead for us all now that ketchup is open to getting acquainted. I’m sure I won’t be the first to post on its Facebook wall, “Hey, ketchup, let’s catch-up. Call me.” And I most certainly won’t be the last.

    I truly lost it when I read Heizee’s thought bubble. Oh, that’s so Heizee of Heinzee.

      1. You never know. Your relationship with Heinzee could evolve into you calling it Heizee. Heinzee is just my nickname for it. It has so much substance, it can have many nicknames.

      1. I heart NPR too, but sometimes they even have a nonstory in the news roundup. I do not mean the ketchup story though. That is the biggest !$!%^&!% story of all times.

      2. As for ketchup, NPR is probably just trying to keep up with Matt Lauer. Who can blame them after his riveting interview with Snooki. “Whatchyoo up to?”

  2. I bet your new ketchup friend will have more enlightened things to say than 99% of the folks on facebook. And I can’t wait to meet its sassy pal, Catsup. It looks like a status update in its own right.

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