He Brings A Lot of People

I have mentioned before how I’m not really up on politics, preferring to get my political news from the inside of Snapple bottle caps:

Real Fact #902: Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

What the Snapple bottle cap failed to tell me is that someone cares what Donald Trump thinks about the 25 assorted Garbage Pail Kids seeking the GOP nomination for president.

That someone is Matt Lauer.

"Check this out. 'You're fired!'"

The GOP hopefuls have been seeking an audience with Donald.

“When you sit down with these people what do they want?” Matt probes with his finger.  “Do they want your money, do they want your megaphone, do they want your stamp of approval, do they want to be the next Miss Universe, do they want the cell phone number of your hairstylist?”

"Tell me, how natural does my hair look?"

They want his endorsement, Trump explains. And he believes the reason is because “I bring a lot of people.”

To lunch?

To bankruptcy proceedings?

He doesn’t elaborate.

Matt probes deeper.

"I think your hair looks very natural."

Do you want to be the king of the world or something to that effect, Matt asks.

Trump wants to make this country great again, he says. He wants to bring it back to the  time when Bret Michaels sang “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” on Celebrity Apprentice. I have never seen Celebrity Apprentice, but considering Bret Michaels has sung it on every other reality show, I feel safe in saying this is what Donald Trump is talking about.

The interview continues with Matt Lauer asking for Donald Trump’s take on the various candidates, and this is about as meaningful to me as if Matt Lauer interviewed a wadded up piece of paper about the state of affairs.

In fact that would be preferable.

"I bring a lot of paper"

Matt Lauer decides to get real with Donald Trump saying “You are never shy about expressing an opinion so I want you to express a heartfelt opinion right now.”

I wipe a tear running down my face with a wadded up piece of paper in a bad toupee.

“You talk about the country as not being great anymore and it needs to return to its greatness. Of the candidates you see out there, which one is most likely to return this country to greatness.”

I personally would rather hear heartfelt opinions from the following:

A dog.

A plunger.

A wad of gum stuck to the bottom of a shoe.

An actual turd.

The turd says he doesn’t want to say, he can’t say who he will endorse because it would not be fair to the other candidates.

Oh, I’m sorry…that’s how Donald Trump answered. I just got him mixed up with a turd.

Real Fact #903: That happens a lot.


  1. Oh, how I agree with you. It makes me nuts to see the dumbing down of news by Matt and a whole bunch of others. News used to be serious, and the celebrity crap was kept for the tabloids. Now the supposed serious news shows show more and more inane garbage. Who cares about Trump, Palin, who really needs to wake up and watch Matt Lauer get paid $$$$ to be a ninny?
    I guess you touched a nerve … great post.

    1. Thank you.
      I think one of my fav Matt Lauer moments was when he interviewed Kanye West about the time he said George W. Bush didn’t care about black people…it was the most important story of my generation….until the next day when he did a story about a shark attack.

  2. I think the turd (let’s not say which turd) believes the country would be well served by someone who really knows how to mild the bankruptcy laws while maintaining an astounding and colorful comb-over.

  3. Oh, speaker7, how I love when you take on politics and turds. Especially turds in politics. Bonus: turds in toupees in politics.

    Personally, I would vote for Trump’s toupee. He shows a lot of ingenuity.

    [Why are you not writing for The Onion? The Daily Show? Seriously. Or maybe you are? We wouldn’t have any way of knowing, would we.]

    1. I think you should consider being the campaign manager…who knows the turd might actually have a shot against the other turdlike candidates.

      [Alas, I do not write for those beloved media empires. I used to be a newspaper reporter and got to cover a nudist convention and the local city council, but not at the same time]

  4. I actually saw this interview! I was watching the same show as you! I couldn’t figure out why they were asking that f*ckhead his opinion either!
    Nice turd drawing.

  5. HILARIOUS. I don’t know what else to say except that you’ve done it again – made me laugh to the point of an intractable asthma attack. And yet, I commend you!! Thank you for another entertaining post!

  6. I really don’t understand why journos feel the need to do this kind of interview. It reminds me of a situation a few years ago when the Australian cricket team was considering pulling out of the international competition (whatever it’s called) because there were concerns for their safety in South Africa. So what did the journos do?

    They asked Nelson Mandela what he thought.

    Now, I have a lot of respect for Mr Mandela. But… cricket? What in the world does he have to do with cricket?

    Anyway… great post. And the reference to garbage pail kids briefly took me back to my youth.

    1. He does look very debonair. I think anytime I write about the Today show, which is 90 percent of my posts, I should put a different hairstyle on top of head. And then everyone can vote for their favorite.

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