My life is full of regrets.
I was thinking how much I do not want to be on a bed of death, lamenting all the things I should have done, but didn’t.
I had not seen Maury Povich’s eponymous show since Vicki slept with her sister’s boyfriend Jamal and Jamal’s brother Dominque and posed this simple question: Is my sister’s boyfriend or his brother my baby’s dad?
I never did find out the answer to that question.
Today’s Maury did not pose a question, but a statement of fact: “The tests will uncover your deep dark sex secret.” I would get my answers today…well, not to Vicki’s dilemma–that will forever haunt me–but the answers to some of life’s greatest mysteries.
Deep Dark Sex Secret #1: (editor’s note: this actually could be deep dark sex secret #17 or #1,825 because Speaker7 missed the first six minutes of the show. Regret.)
“She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene. . . but the kid is not my (daughter)”
Kristina has two children with her husband David, but David doesn’t believe he’s the father of Chantilly because he thinks Kristina cheated on him with her ex-husband Tony.
Kristina is angry. David thinks she’s a cheater. They both tell their stories in a very natural non-reading-cue-card-like kind of way.
I chew my fingernails down to the knuckles……Maury pulls up the flap on his endless supply of manila envelopes….I reach up to wipe the sweat pouring from my forehead…
“In the case of Chantilly,” Maury intones. “David you are the father.”
I black out.
When I come to, I learn there are more deep-dark-sex-secret uncovering to uncover.
Deep Dark Sex Secret #2: Electric Boogaloo
A one-night stand turned into one DNA dispute.
Maria had sex with Andrew one time. Maria screams everything she says as if she is trying to make herself heard over a sandblaster. She screams at the audience to “LOOK AT MY BABY!!!!! LOOK AT MY GIRL!!!!” She screams at Andrew “I HOPE YOUR PENIS FALLS OFF!!!!!!!!”
Maury pulls out the envelope. I get into a fetal position next to the couch.
“In the case of Drucilla,” Maury intones. “Andrew you are NOT the father.”
I began to convulse as a thin trickle of urine puddles next to my twitching body.
I wonder if my system can take anymore deep-dark-sex-secret uncovering when Maury cuts directly to the next story after Maria ran backstage screaming “I’M SORRY!!!!!”
Deep Dark Sex Secret #3: Revenge of the Sith
I change my outfit and swallow four Xanax. I go to my happy place in my head as Maury introduces April. April thinks her fiance Walt and her cousin Laureen are having “sex on each other.” She has seen “sex stains” on Walt’s boxers although Walt claims they were just from an accident. Lovely, lovely love.
Maury has the lie detector results. Before he can intone them, my heart seizes in my chest. I can feel a blood vessel explode inside my head. I flop off the couch onto the floor.
I believe I died a few seconds before being revived by Maury’s clear delivery that Walt is a liar. The boxer stains were sex stains after all.
Incredible, riveting storytelling.
My only regret is that I didn’t DVR it.