I think I might have mentioned in a previous post how much I love politics. There’s just something about millionaires and billionaires spending their millions and billions on an election, talking about how they came from sharecroppers and walked 400 miles each day to attend a hobo school in the wilderness where they had to gnaw on sticks to make pencils, that just really causes my heart to soar.
I think I might have mentioned in a previous post how much I love organized religion. There’s just something about sky deity smackdowns that cause my soul to soar and crash into my heart.
But when the two mix? Oh, sweet jesus, that is some wonderful stuff. Just wonderstuff. And it’s happening right now, at a little lovefest called Values Voter Summit. This is where millionaires and billionaires talk about how much they are like Jesus Christ in order to win your vote.
According to the Gospel of Grover, Jesus was a conservative Republican who traveled across the land preaching smaller government and free market with no regulations. “Then he cometh to the city of Galilee, and seeing the multitudes he went up into a mountain. And he opened his mouth and sayeth: Blessed are the job creators, for they shall inherit the wealth.” (Grover 2:2)
The Values Voter Summit is all about values. I learned this from the title. (gold star for Speaker7) There is no voter in America that is not a values voter, according to presidential hairpiece Rick Perry, it’s just some voters have kick ass values and others have suck values.
What are the kick ass values?
- saying “under God” in the pledge of allegiance. Newton Gingrich said he was running for dogcatcher because some court ruled that phrase unconstitutional. Thank god someone has his eye on the most important issue facing this nation. Whenever I hear it mumbled by a group of students in complete monotone, it brings a tear to my eye.
- not giving a sh*t about a nonissue that exists to misdirect Americans from noticing that wages for average workers has not increased in three decades.
There were many amazing things said by true followers of Jesus Christ that it’s almost impossible to contain my fingers while I type…they constantly seem to want to form number 1 signs especially the middle fingers.
Like when Rick Perry said: “You know, some hold this worldview that government must be central in our – in our lives and serve as our caretaker. They seek more than equal opportunity, they seek equal outcomes” which is conservative code for share the wealth. And this means these haters don’t believe in American exceptionalism in the sense that it is so exceptional to get a $20 million bonus after letting multitudes of people’s pensions go in the toilet.
This reminded me of that famous Jesus parable, you know, the fishes and loaves? I will end my post with it:
“In those days the multitudes being very great, and having nothing to eat, Jesus called his disciples unto him, and saith unto them: ‘what is wrongeth with these multitudes, cannot they findeth a job to payeth for some foodeth?’ And the disciples answered ‘from whence can a man find a job and food here in the wilderness?’ And Jesus asked ‘How many loaves have ye?’ And they said ‘Seven.’ And he commanded his disciples to bring him the loaves. He took the seven loaves and crammethed them into his mouth. His disciples asked ‘what about all the others?’ Jesus wiped the crumbs from his mouth and replied ‘Fuck them.’ – (Grover 1:10-14)
Fantastic post! Holy crap, it’s like you just looked right into my Jesus-loving soul and my heart is singing with truth right now.
As a former campaign lacky, I used to write speeches for this brand of dillweed. Believe me, I was always sure to throw in lots of value-isms and patriotic gobblety-gook. One thing you might not be aware of unless you worked on the inside: twangs. Suddenly, when up in front of the working folk, politicians grow an “I’m one of you” down-homesy twang. I’ve heard no-accent, Iowa-bred men talk like they’re from Kentucky when standing before the Cattleman’s Club. It’s a beautiful thing the way melting pots work.
I like when politicians try to out-poor one another on the campaign trail and when they get into office cut programs for the poor.
Acerbic and accurate, as usual.
Thank you. I work very hard to make sure I quote biblical passages with complete accuracy.
Brilliant! “Hobo school in the wilderness” — Bahahahaaa!
I hope candidates credit me when they use it in this presidential campaign cycle.
Loved the post! The family and I were just discussing Mitt’s tour through Europe and the Mideast, trying to look like he knows something about foreign politics. I but you could get a very funny post from that trip up, I mean trip!
Thank you and thanks so much for reading an oldie of mine. It would be nice if Mitt stopped trying to incite world conflict everywhere he goes.
I am pretty sure Values Voter Summit is the Walmart generic of Lollapalooza.
As sad as I am that it has taken me almost a year to even know that your blog exists, I am extremely glad to end my day reading this post. We should all be so lucky to go to bed with the rosy feeling that as bad as Mitt Romney is, we dodged a real bullet when Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich left the race.
I remember when Michele Bachman was the front runner and then Herman Cain, and that was…um…great? No great is not the right word.
Oh My GOD – you’re hilarious…I’m glad you posted to THE WAITING –
I am applying to Hobo School today – I hope to meet Mittens’ kids there.
Give yourself plenty of time to get there, it takes hours to walk there since it’s uphill both ways and always snowing.
I got my stick and bandana.