Shark Week is Every Week

Prognosticators have been prognosticating how future wars will not be fought over oil, but water. What these proctologisnosticators have failed to predict is that the enemy will not be man..

…..wait for it……

But SHARK! Dum Dum Dummmmmmmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbb!!!!!!

Sharks are infiltrating our fresh water in their quest for world domination, according to the Today show. I’m paraphrasing, of course. No one actually said that. The Today show instead talked about a kid catching a shark interjected with clips from the movie Jaws while ominous music played in the background. They are a serious news organization so they would never directly say something as crazy as the first sentence of this paragraph.

The on-air correspondent is in waders standing in a nondescript creek somewhere in Georgia that first sounded like Bologna, but is some place else. Because he is a serious journalist, he says “I’ve got to admit, I’m a little nervous standing in this water mainly because of what happened here.” A shark then leaps out of the water and bites off his head. Another shark gives the head-biting shark a high-five. Okay, that didn’t happen. The serious waders-wearing journalist says this spot is where two bull sharks paid a visit. And it wasn’t to sell Girl Scout cookies. He didn’t say that last part, but he could have and it would have been the greatest thing he said this entire segment.

In the movie Jaws, the serious reporter begins…do you remember that movie? You don’t? Well let’s show a clip of the robot shark eating half of a boat….the hunt for a killer shark began in the ocean, but here the shark showdown (he seriously used these words because he is serious) was basically in his backyard. The “his” is Noel, a 16-year-old boy from a family of shrimpers, who saw the sharks and caught one. That would take about 10 seconds to explain, but then it wouldn’t effectively scare the shit out of you.

This is what really is in store for all of you:

In the Shark War, nowhere is safe.

Yup, I saw two sharks, says Noel.

They were the man-eating bull sharks responsible for more deadly shark attacks than any other breed, fishes the journalist. The Today show should know. It reports on one attack several times so you think you will be killed by a bull shark merely uttering the word “ocean.” See here.

It was doozy, Noel says. Over 300 pounds, 8 feet, 5 inches long.

And that’s about 4.5 feet of water, the journalist terrorizes. So if the shark stood up, it would suffocate. But it would likely kill everything in sight before that happened.

Three minutes into a 3:35 minute segment, the reporter says no fresh water attacks have even been reported, but IT COULD HAPPEN!!!! Just like a piano could fall on top of you if you jackhammer a street at 4:30 a.m.

Noel points out he caught the shark where kids learn to swim. He’s a high school junior, narrates the host.  The segment cuts to his mom “Yeah, that’s my boy.” I think the serious journalist is running out of things to report. This part seems a bit unfocused.

Noel caught one of the sharks, the journalist intones. “We don’t know if the other shark is still around.” And he’s successfully back to full-panic mode.

Yes, that other shark is still out there. Still at large. Still waiting. Still plotting. Still wishing to take over the world.

The Shark War has just begun.

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12 comments

  1. I can’t wait to turn on my Tv to see the the headline UPDATE: SHARK SHOWDOWN flash up on the screen. I love how rational television news people are.

    1. It’s true. They never, ever go overboard. The reporting is always very measured, rational and calm…like when they said Y2K was going to blow up the world.

  2. Truly terrifying! Thank goodness we have the Today Show to stay on top of these developing stories.

    When I think shark attacks, I think of the Land Shark from ancient Saturday Night Live episodes. This taught me at a young age that they could even strike in apartments, luring you out the door with a candygram.

    1. You didn’t know that SNL was a documentary? That Land Shark is real! He’s real, I tell ya, ready to rip off the next limb of the next person to answer her door. Lock up your women and children!

    1. The exact attitude to have at all times.

      I would recommend buying duct tape since that’s what the guberment recommends whenever there is a heightened terror threat.

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