Month: September 2011

The Most “Amazing” Ending to the Most “Dramatic” Season

This will be the biggest, most dramatic, most emotional, most amazing, most incredible, most edible, most threadible, most bedible, most shredible blog post ever written about the biggest, most dramatic, most emotional, most herpeseque, most humptifying, most shushleshizzle conclusion in the two-season history of Bachelor Pad.

The finale was three hours long. You must be thinking “That is not nearly enough time to wrap up all of those compelling storylines.”

Or you could be thinking: “What were the compelling storylines on Bachelor Pad?

I will answer your question:

I don’t know.

But let us begin. Hold on to your #%$@% hats.

Part I: The biggest night by far

We are informed by the host that this is the “biggest night by far here on Bachelor Pad.” See it is the final challenge and the final challenge will take place in Las Vegas. Tons of “Vegas, baby” are said by the remaining cast members. I down my first glass of wine and weep silently into my hands.

Vegas, baby. The four couples enter a theater. They learn that they will be performing a Cirque du Soleil routine. In harnesses, they will scale a giant vertical wall and do some showy fight sequence. I would enjoy this segment much more if they did not use harnesses and had to defy gravity to win the competition. Some contestants profess a desire to lose control of bodily functions either through their anuses or mouths. Graham continues the reality television tradition of misusing the word literal when he says “I’m literally pissing down my leg.”

The judges are all former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants, and this has about as much meaning to me as if they were all from the Campbell County Chamber of Commerce. Wyoming, baby.

Performances. They run up the wall. One couple throws toilet paper. Let’s get to the judging because we have two hours and 45 minutes left…Michael and Holly win. They are going to the finals and will get to chose the other couple that joins them. Ella and Kirk lose. Ella cries. One of the judges makes a pouty face at Ella like Ella is a toddler.

Holly and Mike have a really hard decision. This is made clear by the two of them saying this: “We have a really hard decision ahead of us,” says Michael. “This is a hard decision,” says Holly.

They go speak with the Vienna and Kasey. Gimme gimme gimme!!! Kasey and Vienna say.

They decide to go with Graham and Michelle. Vienna’s face crumples. “My perfect rose record was ruined,” she cries. That must be how Michael Vick felt when his prized pitbull lost its first dog fight.

Part II – the most unbelievable conclusion to Bachelor Pad

The host announces that this is the most unbelievable conclusion to Bachelor Pad. He then says it’s the most amazing conclusion to Bachelor Pad. Well which is it, asshole?

He continues: “It’s been a dramatic season to say the least”. . . 18 of the “most memorable” contestants returned to the bachelor mansion “seeking love”. . “From the moment the first limo pulled up, the drama of Bachelor Pad began and it never let up.”

The host and I were clearly watching different shows.

“Please let me welcome. . Alli” Who the #%@% is that?

“I just don’t know what were in store for tonight, but I’m sure it will be fantastic.” Jesus Christ–we get it, okay? The show is the most amazing show in the history of shows. The people on it are the most amazing people to have ever existed in the past, present and future. The bowel movement the host had before the taping of the show was the greatest bowel movement ever produced by a bowel since the Big Bang.

Interviews….excuse me….amazing(!!) interviews commence. One couple is asked about their relationship. The woman is confused and upset because they recently broke up. “I didn’t get out of bed for a week. Seriously a week.” The guy looks uncomfortably at the floor. The host deftly smooths over this incredibly awkward exchange with “I know I speak for the millions of fans, we’re crying along with you.” I speak for Speaker7– I need another glass of wine.

Jake is now in the “hot” seat. His return “was one of the most controversial” of the season. We watch a retrospective of Jake’s “journey” on Bachelor Pad. It was just like I saw this three weeks ago….because I just saw this three weeks ago. Vienna and Kasey were cold to Jake, Jake confesses. He was particularly hurt by Kasey’s remarks about punching Jake for America. Kasey says he was wrong and acted like a fool and apologizes to Jake. They stand up and give each other a handshake/hug. World peace is restored. It would be the equivalent of watching Barack Obama and John Boehner make out in the Rose Garden.

Kasey is now in the “hot” seat. He watches his Bachelor Pad retrospective. One contestant describes his voice as sounding like Kermit the frog’s. Kasey says he has a speech impediment and now I feel like crap for making fun of the way he talks, but then I realize the impediment affects how he speaks not what he says, and I feel better because I mainly made fun of the inane sh*t he says.

Blake is in the hot seat and I don’t care even if he was the “lightning rod of controversy.” He loves him some Holly. Oh what nice surprise! We have some footage of Holly and Blake having a picnic…and this is not weird at all, not even with the dramatic music, and they talk about how much they love each other and we get different camera angles so we know at least two cameras are capturing this very authentic, and of course amazing, date. And Blake proposes. Like I mentioned before, completely normal.

Jesus Christ, there is a whole &#^&*! hour left.

Part III – the exciting moment you’ve all been waiting for

The host informs us that this is the exciting moment we’ve all been waiting for. I don’t know if the host realizes that he has completely changed the definitions of the words amazing, unbelievable and exciting to now mean dull as shit.

The two remaining couples enter. The host has Holly tell Michael she’s engaged to Blake. “Like here??” Michael incredulously asks. The host wave his hands in a oh-god-no-not-on-the-show-we’re-just-doing-this-now-to-humiliate-you kind of way. “I’m sorry…that’s super awkward,” Michael says.

Four thousand minutes later, the contestants vote. The host helpfully points out that there are 14 people so the first couple to get eight votes wins. Math is hard.

Michael and Holly win. The game is about to take its “final twist and final turn,” the host says. It will “test your relationship like never before,” he says…if you disregard Holly and Michael’s two broken engagements and Holly’s subsequent engagement to another guy.  To cut an overly inflated seasonal finale explanation short, Holly and Michael need to decide if they want to share the $250,000. Tension. They do.

“What an amazing ending to a very dramatic season of Bachelor Pad,” the host says.

But that’s not all, we get to meet the newest bachelor for the upcoming season of The Bachelor.

For some reason, my finger hits the power button on the TV remote although I can go to bed reassured that the new season will be amazing, unbelievable and exciting.

 

A Day of Reflection Brought to You By…

Today is a day of reflection. One thing I remember about the 9/11 attacks was that short period after where it seemed as if all advertising had stopped. It was as if our culture had woken up to the notion that crass consumerism meant nothing, and that there was more to the American identity than shopping–that we were all connected, not only as Americans, but as citizens of the world who have all suffered from acts of terrorism.

As I mentioned above, this was a very, very brief respite from marketing and advertising, which is how we are able to have this:

While Hooters ® remembers, it would also like you to know it’s offering a special on its “Nearly World Famous!” chicken wings.

In case I die before you read this. . .

The Internet is neat with its social networking (stalking) capabilities, series of tubes, weblogs (aka blogs), emoticons, Nigerian princes.

It has this:

But the ability to access information about virtually anything does have its downsides…especially if you are a hypochondriac who frequently enters symptoms into a Google search engine. The results are never fun. . . cancer . . . Lyme disease. . . chronic wasting disease. . . restless leg syndrome.

I am one of these persons who enters symptoms into a Google search engine. I did it today. I have this weird rash on the inside of my elbow. It looks like this:

I have a very short arm. That's why the inside of my elbow is next to my wrist.

 

 

I think it’s a rash from a bug bite…or cellulitis. . . or cancer. It’s cellulitis, I know it’s cellulitis or possibly the ebola virus. . . it’s cellulitis. For those who don’t frequently enter symptoms into a Google search engine and peruse medical websites, cellulitis is a common, potentially serious bacterial skin infection. It can $%@!*^#! turn into flesh-eating strep. Thanks Mayo Clinic.

How do you know you have it?  The rash is red. Okay, is it tender or warm? No. Well then it’s probably not cellulitis. Wait–it feels warm now. Why are you rubbing at it? I was just seeing if it was warm and now it is. It feels really tender too. That’s probably because you can’t seem to stop touching it. You don’t have a fever, right? No. Okay, and it’s not painful to touch? No. Okay, well it’s probably just a rash from a bug—I’m feeling kind of feverish now. Ow. Ow..okay this hurts now. That’s because you’re pinching the skin. I would stop that.  Ow…I need to lie down. That’s good, that’s good. That gets you away from the laptop. Wait–I need to check one thing. *furiously types* it’s not cellulitis. Oh good, I was really worried you were going off the deep—it’s Lyme Disease. I have Lyme Disease. How did you come to that conclusion? It’s red.

And on it goes until I’ve diagnosed myself with mesothelioma, a lung disease one gets from exposure to asbestos.

That’s crazy…

I probably have cellulitis. My arm feels like it’s on fire..or kinda warm. It feels warmish and a little itchy…actually mostly itchy…like a bug bite.

It’s probably from a tsetse fly.

Since I’m clearly dying, I’m going to bequeath a few things:

to It Happens Every Day: my drawings of the Most Eligible: Dallas horse (there’s more than one!!)

to Not Quite Old: I pass the responsibility of blogging about the 2012 presidential election. I promise it will be awesome.

to Best Bathroom Books: my encyclopedia of What Woman Want. It’s actually the script to the Mel Gibson movie, but it will help you further your cause of blowing people’s minds.

to The Happy Logophile: my collection of Stephanie Meyer memorabilia. You will need an extra room

to Kim Pugliano: my Bachelor Pad Kasey to English dictionary.

I feel better now….well my arm is kinda tender.

 

 

 

 

The Less You Know

I think I’ve mentioned that I once worked as a newspaper reporter and all the glamour, glitz and glass (I had trouble coming up with a third “gl” word) that went along with it.

I once got sent on assignment to New York….Troy, N.Y…to experience firsthand a massive assault on the city’s crow population. Sh*t literally rained from the sky. Marvelous.

I was front and center at an annual northeastern nudist convention although in hindsight it would have been better to have just done the reporting over the phone. One of the nudist camp members had a colostomy bag. The human body is so beautiful.

I got to tackle a hard-hitting news story that uncovered…well….it uncovered what was underneath the road. My lede was something like: Thousands of cars drive down these roads every week. Clearly I had learned something from my reporting. And then I hit ’em with a punch to the head… But did you know there’s a bunch of crap under these roads, like pipes and utility lines? Oh, you did? Well… okay this is awkward…. look we spent a lot of time on this graphic. Can you just look at this graphic? Thanks.

 

 

 

It was the kind of story Bob Woodward would be proud of…well, the Bob Woodward of 1972 not the present Woodward who had his brain sucked out of his head by Dick Cheney and replaced with a brownish cauliflower.

For some reason a segment on today’s Today show reminded me of my reporter glory days (that was the third “gl” I was looking for. Too late to change it now b/c I’m on deadline). Matt Lauer was in Wisconsin being a man because he was covering the start of football. There are a couple Matt Lauer personas. There’s the Matt Lauer who wears glasses when he’s asking tough questions of heads of state like Kayne West and there’s the Matt Lauer who is a man, jerk, who loves him so football. You want to question his manhood? Go ahead, try it. Matt Lauer is football.

So yes…a big, big story, a what’s-under-the-roads kind of story was featured. Here is an image that will make you wish you saw a 59-year-old nudist with a colostomy bag:

what is under that cheese? Tune in tomorrow…

It’s all about the Green Bay Packer fans who wear “orangy color foam stuff” on their heads. Did you know cows’ milk is used in cheese?!? Did you know that old guys go to breakfast and blather on about nothing of consequence?!? Did you know that football fans get drunk and sound really smart when they’re interviewed?!?  Oh…you did? Well….this is kind of awkward, but here look at this picture:

Awwww....wait, what?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was on the Today show’s website.

News.

The Siren Call of the GOP

I’m not exactly the most up on my political news mainly because whenever I hear politicians speak, I began convulsing and frothing at the mouth. That’s why I get most of my news from Bachelor Pad. But for some reason tonight, I hear the sweet siren call of the Republican presidential debate, and I am compelled to tune in for what likely will lead to a full-on seizure.

Republicans are fun. They wear flag lapel pins. They talk about freedom and come up with new names for French fries. They like guns, Jesus and fetuses, but babies not so much.

I am not registered with a political party, but I should probably let you know that I f****** hate the Republican Party. So if you are a subscriber who juices on Republican talking points, I suggest you read no further and refrain from commenting in the comment section about Obama being the Antichrist and Democrats are Nazi Socialists and I’m a liberal, bed-wetting, crybaby AntiChrist-loving pukeface even though all those things are true.

I am not a fan of the Democratic Party either. I’m completely disillusioned by this presidency and have no hope for the future, but I still hate them less than Republicans. Here’s my analogy: The Democratic Party is like that guy you date who is kind of blah and you believe there’s probably someone better, but you stick with the blah guy because at least he’s not that awful and he sometimes says nice things, but sometimes does things that are the complete antithesis of what he says. The Republican Party is like that guy who is a total f****** douchebag.

So, yeah, things are bleak. I’m mainly biding my time until I hear the words President Bristol Palin. But until then, let’s meet the next possible president of the United States. Squee!!!

The frontrunners:

Rick "I make George W. Bush look like a mensa candidate" Perry

 

 

 

 

Mittens Romney

Crazy Eyes

 

 

 

 

other candidates:

Rick Santorum

Ron Somethingorother, the media continues to pretend he is not real

Collective random awful guys

Okay, it’s on. And I’ve missed a significant portion of the beginning. It takes some time drawing these elaborate pictures. Here is what was said in the beginning by all the candidates…blah blah Ronald Reagan blahdebloo blahdeblee, hey you there, vote for me!

Now please read this substantive summary of what was said:

Rick S. – “I’m the best.” Jobs. His last name means this.

Pizza guy – eliminate tax code, 9-9-9 tax on everything. Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

Gov. Random Orange Face – China question. Booorrrrrrrr-iiinnnggggggggg.

Michele Bachmann – “Obamacare! Obamacare!” She went to restaurants. These restaurants aren’t hiring this one 17-year-old for a summer job. She raised 5 kids and 23 (!) foster kids. “Kids need jobs.” Clearly her kids do.

Ron Somethingorother – …

Juice Newton Gingrich  – Obama is a socialist and class warfarist. Check Newton out on Twitter, Newton is beloved on Twitter.

Mittens ala Orange Face- his polka-dot tie is hypnotizing me. I can’t concentrate on what he’s saying. He’s talking about ???

Rick P. -Those folks, focus on stuff, social security is a ponzi scheme *shit-eating grin*

Okay so I’m posting before the debate ends, but I’m confident it will end in this way blah blah Ronald Reagan blahdeblee blahdebloo, we are all doomed.

Speaker7’s Choice

Monday night was difficult, readers. My plan was to watch the 47th episode of Bachelor Pad, but then I learned Most Eligible: Dallas was also airing a new episode on Bravo.

!?!

What do I choose? How do I choose? How can you expect me to choose?

I felt like I was in that movie, you know, the one with Meryl Streep…where she had to make that unbelievable choice? I think it was called She-Devil? Best to do a compare/contrast.

Okay, which show is better? How can you even ask me that? That’s like asking which flavor of Ben & Jerry’s is better or which child is better if I had two children (I don’t, so in this case my one child is the most awesome).

Alright then, which story has the better storyline? Cruel…such a cruel, cruel question…*sigh*….Bachelor Pad is about people living together in a house, consuming vast quantities of alcohol and trying to find a way to win money love. Most Eligible: Dallas is about people living in a city, consuming vast quantities of alcohol and trying to avoid herpes find love.

It also has this:

Let us bow down in wonder of this splendorous horse.

Hmmm…well, which one is on earlier? Bachelor Pad.

Okay, then watch Bachelor Pad.

So I did. I listened to the little voice in my head, the voice that normally just screams and screams, and I watched Most Eligible: Dallas Bachelor Pad. Here is what happened:

A shot of a fountain. “Tonight’s rose ceremony was insane,” voiceovers someone. Who left in the last episode? I insanely don’t remember.

The host shows up and laments how things are just going to get harder; they’ll start voting off “friends” and breaking up alliances. He orders them to partner up because now “you win as a couple, get voted off as a couple.” He orders them to get to know one another and then leaves.

Blake and Erica are the only two without established partners….I wonder what will happen? Tension…waiting….I nibble on a nail…..They become partners. The other partners are Vienna and Kasey, Michelle and Graham, Holly and Michael and Ella and Kirk. Ella says she doesn’t know much about Kirk. That’s okay, neither do I. I think he’s Blake 85 percent of the time.

Competiton: The Nearly-Wed Game. Michael shows that he understands what the word literally means when he says “That’s pretty literal for us.” See he and Holly almost got married. This is a first in reality television history! Kasey is feeling confident: “So close, I can smell it.” He might be mistaking his breath for victory (Victory Breath™). Questions are asked: Who’s better in bed? How many dates does your partner need before making whoopee? Have you no sense of decency? We finally get to: How old was your partner when he lost his virginity? Graham answers: “Seven. I was 7-years-old.” And his partner Michelle gets it right.

…….uhhh…….

Okay, alright, let’s all relax. It’s actually a strategy….an intelligent strategy so I’m having a hard time recovering from this, but Graham and Michelle decided that every numerical answer would be 7, every answer about a non-gender person in the house would be Michael, and every answer about a female would be Holly. This was actually……smart. I’m using smart in a recap of a reality show. History is made twice.

Blake knows he needed that rose since everyone said they hated him in the game, and shows that he doesn’t even have a basic grasp of carpentry when he says: “It’s like watching the final nail drilled into your coffin” when Graham and Michelle are announced as the winners. They high-five in a I-got-to-look-like-I-was-raped-at-7 kind of way.

They get to go on a helicopter date to watch a terrible movie.

Meanwhile, something horrible is happening at the house. I’ll let Ella explain because otherwise I will begin dry-heaving. “There’s definitely some sexual tension between Kasey and Vienna. . . right now it’s simmering. It’s going to pretty interesting when it boils over.” Power Couple™ Vienna and Kasey storm into the kitchen where food is prepared and people may actually eat, and Vienna accuses Kasey of taking off her promise ring because she will not have sex with him. Kasey says “You continually lead me on” and it looks like he’s either miming masturbation or actually doing it, and now I need to take a break to wash my eyeballs out with Clorox.

I’m back…jesus christ, they’re still arguing about this. Why didn’t you tell me? I might have to remove your promise ring…and now I’m going to transcribe (well, to the best of my ability, Kasey is completely incomprehensible most of the time) their conversation so you will have it in your mind for all eternity.

Kasey says: “Shushfsh zizzle. You’re looking crazy right now.” Pot meet kettle

“You just took a ring off my finger because I’m not having sex with you,” says Vienna.

“No because you don’t do shings shiz, you don’t follow through. Shiz shizzzzzzzzz.”

We move into the bedroom. Vienna is lying on the top bunk bed.

“I have nothing to say to you. You make such a big deal over sex,” she says.

“Because you kept telling me that’s what you wanted,” Kasey replies

“I haven’t kept telling you anything,” Vienna says.

“How can you deny it?” asks Kasey.

“Today is the first time I’ve said ANYTHING about that,” says Vienna.

“You said ‘Yes, I want to do it and then you don’t follow through’ and shizzle my nizzle. Don’t keep saying you want to do it then not.”

This interaction has completely ruined sex for you, hasn’t it.

It continues…

“I don’t keep saying anything,” says Vienna

“Yes, you do.”

“No is no. No matter if it’s not this or no that or no this or no that. No is no,” says Vienna.

“Then don’t keep telling me you’re going to,” says Kasey. Oh, now we get subtitles? NOW? After countless incomprehensible conversations, you are going to tell me what Kasey is actually saying??? Well I refuse to transcribe out of principle…shizzle shuz. Suffice to say, the couple ends up in the boom-boom room and Vienna says “Let’s get this over with.” Romance.

Let’s wrap this up because I’m tired and I’m at my highest word count.

Blake and Erica also win a date because they came in second. We witness the worst seduction in the course of history and I’ve seen several Michael Douglas movies so that is saying something. Blake “resists” Erica’s “advances”. Blake and Erica get a pair of roses that they can use to save another couple.

They decide to give them to Kasey and Vienna who conveniently are not humping or talking about humping at the time. They think they will be safe because of Kasey’s powers of persuasion.

Little do they know that most people do not understand Kasey when he speaks so Blake and Erica are voted off. There is some “sadness” on Holly’s part because she digs Blake, but I don’t care so I’m not writing about it.

I flipped to Most Eligible:Dallas and it turned out that I hadn’t missed a single second because it was on right after Bachelor Pad.

After watching five minutes, I discovered I had made the right choice, and went to bed.

Hollywood Walk of Shame

Here it is Labor Day, and I’m trying to be all relaxed, and then I read this:

Kim Kardashian Won’t Get a Hollywood Star

And I’m enraged by the injustice of it all. Apparently the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce was asked if it would consider “reality” “stars” for the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It responded “Hell to the no” on its Facebook page thereby coining one of the most interesting turns of phrase in our lifetime. You go, girl! Hey, that one’s pretty good too. Make sure to credit me if you use it.

I have never seen Keeping Kup Kwith Kthe Kardashians, but I am aware of Kim’s oeuvre:

  • sex on film, but in a very classy non-porn way
  • big ass
  • wedding to a giant

How is Kim’s career any different than say Walk of Fame recipients’ Bob Barker (sex tape) or Big Bird (big ass)? I’ll answer that: it isn’t.

So where’s the love Hollywood Chamber of Commerce? Are you worried that if you bestow a kstar on Kim, you will open the floodgates to any carbon life form who willingly invites cameras into his/her bathrooms? You should be because that will likely happen. Do you think people will question your wisdom by honoring Kim before honoring many other much worthier stars?

Well I have made things easy for you. I have come up with a list of celebrities who will be required to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame before Kim Kardashian thereby making her inevitable induction easier to swallow.

Here is the list:

1.

The bag from the movie American Beauty

2.

The Chuck E. Cheese Animatronic Band

3.

Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba

4.

Bubonic-plague Wench #4 from The Renaissance Faire

5.

Comedienne Newt Gingrich

6.

The horse from Most Eligible: Dallas.

7.

Shake Weights™!!!!!!

8.

David Hasselhoff’s hamburger

9.

Khloe Kardashian

Hell to the yes, Hollywood Chamber of Commerce! Hell to the yes!

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is known for saying controversial things like printing money is almost treasonous and the BP oil spill was an act of God. But he might be onto something with the whole Texas secession thing. At a tea party rally, Perry suggested that was a possibility because he was pandering to the crowd believed the federal government was out of control with something or other…I can only listen to politicians for so long, people. I’m not a super human. But I know a better reason:  Most Eligible: Dallas

This is a new “reality” show on Bravo. It “stars” “people” who all think they are Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City.  I watched episode 3 yesterday. I first consulted a dictionary to see if the definitions of “most” and “eligible” had changed. No, they still mean the same things…hmmm….confusing.

Shots of cityscape. A horse scratches its leg.

A horse scratches its leg

This is the most interesting moment in the show

Two people talk on the phone. We only get to see one of them. She is Carrie/Courtney and she is in bed and watches herself in the mirror while she talks to Neill. Her name is spelled out in giant letters above the mirror. This is more out of necessity then vanity when one considers the amount of alcohol she is shown consuming in an episode. Carrie/Courtney has called this summit because she slurred some things at Neill the previous evening. She hangs up the phone with a “And that’s how it’s done” and flings open her closet with an “It’s on bitches.” I’m glad she understands what’s going on.

I miss that horse.

Moving on to Matt. He is eating with an underling. Suddenly Holly shows up, conveniently wearing a wireless mic pack and all a pandemonium breaks loose. Here is their conversation:

“Long day,” Matt exhales

“How’s work?” Holly asks

“Lots of good things going on, but sometimes a bit overwhelming, you know. Don’t you feel like that? You’ve got a lot going on too,” Matt pries.

“I do except I’m going on vacation. I’ve so much to do,” Holly breathlessly confesses. A waiter sets down a parfait. “That looks good.”

“You’re going to love that,” Matt observes. “So you’ve been traveling for a little bit, but now you’re going to be here.”

“You’re always out of town,” Holly retorts.

“I know, I know, but that’s because I don’t have anything holding me down now,” Matt quips. “I’d like there to be more. What are you looking for? What’s on your agenda coming up?”

“I’m just taking it easy day by day,” Holly drones. “I’m not real thinking too much into the future right now.”

“That is so refreshing to hear that,” Matt platitudes. “I feel like I never hear that from anybody anymore.”

That is some good TV right there. I’m not sure, but I think I might have had a more compelling conversation with my 17-month-old son yesterday while watching traffic. You be the judge.

“Look, it’s a truck. Biggggggggg truck!”

“Uck!”

“Ooohhhh! Did you see that? That car had a doggie”

“Me-ow”

“No, doggie goes ‘ruff, ruff, ruff.'”

“Uck!”

“So what are you looking for, what’s on your agenda coming up?”

“Pffttttttt!”

Matt says he’s not ready for commitment. The human race says “thank you.”

Carrie/Courtney and Neill summit is on bitches! Neill has a child. They wear matching fedoras. Carrie/Courtney shows up wearing a giant red tablecloth. She needs herself some wine…as do I at this point. Where is that horse? I need me some horse.

Here is that horse from a different angle. Let’s look at the horse while Carrie/Courtney speaks. It’s so much better.

Horse scratches itself

Don't pay attention to the drunk tablecloth. Just look at me.

We move ahead to Carrie/Courtney, Matt and Glenn at brunch. Carrie/Courtney brings up some cancer charity event. Cancer patients say “That’s okay. We’re doing fine. We really don’t need any help…from you….ever.” C/C has signed up Matt and Glenn to be auctioned off. They will wear shirts that say “Ask me about my package” because it’s a date package. Those are some lucky women. Someone says “This is going to be interesting” and that someone is not me.

C/C is with a blow-up doll at a nail salon. Oh, the blow-up doll is a human named Tara. That’s a neat twist. Tara Doll is dating Jody who shows up for no discernible reason. Oh dear Christ, he has a white soul patch. I’m done…

Other things that happen….Glenn rips off his shirt at the date auction. Carrie/Courtney drinks. Tara Doll claims she’s picky and goes out on a date with a turd. Carrie/Courtney would love to be a mom(!?!). Matt goes on a date with MJ, calls the waiter “buddy” and asks for the restaurant’s most eligible drinks. The waiter sets down a glass filled with a hunk of pink insulation and pours Windex over it. Unfortunately they survive.

The horse is not shown again.

A Fish Wrapped in Newspaper… Just for You

This month, Mr. Speaker7 and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary. Eight years….eight, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long years. From what I understand, on the first anniversary, one bestows a gift of paper. The second, a rock followed by scissors on the third and so on and so on until the eighth, which is a fish wrapped in newspaper (reference: Martha Stewart Weddings). But I decided that my eighth anniversary gift will be a gift to you readers. Clearly I have a good handle on marriage because a) I’m still married and b) I’m not divorced.

Just look at this picture of wedded bliss:

Wedded Bliss

The high-fiving of hands is the #5 sign of wedded bliss.

I want you all to learn from my success so one day, you too can write a blog post heralding your successful marriage to my husband.  Here are eight tips for having a successful marriage:

1. Don’t marry someone who sucks. Many people make this classic rookie mistake (reference: Bridezillas). You date someone for awhile, you hate him/her and then you get this idea that you will hate him/her less if you legally bind yourself to him/her for all eternity.

2. Strive for honesty. I say strive because we all have to lie to our spouses at some time. Do you think my saddlebags make me unattractive? Nope, in fact I’d like them bigger. Is my blog funny? Yes, yes it is. You didn’t laugh when I forced you to read my latest entry. I was laughing on the inside. What does that mean? Your saddlebags look really good today.

3. Don’t be that person who says your marriage works because you’re always right and then titter because that’s so original. Have you ever taken a good gander at the people who believe they are never wrong? It’s “people” like Nancy Grace, Dr. Phil and George W. Bush. Yeah, those people are the worst.

4. Please, oh please, for the love of christ, do not put your marital woes as your status update on Facebook. There is a good chance that your spouse is a Facebook friend or if not (why isn’t your spouse your Facebook friend? that’s wrong, man) has mutual friends, and will not enjoy reading “I want to divorce _____ so much right now” and seeing that you changed your relationship status to single. And then your mutual friends and family see this and begin to comment worryingly under your update, and now it’s really hard to explain that you’re mad because your spouse ate all of the Klondike bars and you were really looking forward to one after a long day at the fishhook factory. So since that makes you look petty, you end up filing for divorce, which was truly something you would not do for Klondike bar, but in this case you did.

5. Oh my god, do I really have to say this?..do not, I repeat, do not take a picture of your genitals and send it to someone you met on the Internet. Now men, I’m going to address you now because I don’t know of many stories about women getting into a serious pickle for photographing their vaginas (yes Oprah, I’m using the word vagina. I am empowered). There is no woman alive who wants to see that. No woman. If some special Internet friend is asking to see that, s/he (always he) is likely working for Perverted Justice. On a sidenote, isn’t that just about the worst name in the world. Are they saying the only justice they dish out is perverted? They should call it what it is…a total sham.

6. Make sure your sentences have verbs. I stole this from Dr. Phil’s “A Good Marriage” advice column. I wasn’t aware that people really had a problem with this, but I’m putting it just in case you leaving notes for your spouse that read like this: I with your best friend. I home late. I you.

7. Don’t fall in love with Edward Cullen/Jacob Werewolf (I’m too lazy to look up his last name) from the Twilight series. Don’t lament that your spouse’s eyes aren’t topaz or that his arms aren’t made of marble or that he doesn’t sparkle in sunlight or that he doesn’t imprint on fetuses (I’m not getting into this part, if you want to know what it means look it up online) or doesn’t eat live chickens or doesn’t write the most boring books of all time….Don’t be these people.

8. Do not take advice from people who claim they have the key to a successful marriage. They always have no idea what they’re talking about.

A Chickunudrum

I once had a long conversation with someone about the difference in price between a two-piece fried chicken dinner and a three-piece fried chicken dinner. This was not a voluntary conversation. I was employed by KFC. This man was a customer.

One would think that would be an easy thing to suss out:

KFC forever

Math can be hard.

Why does it cost more? Well because there’s more chicken. No, but why is it more? ….Because it has three pieces of chicken. The other dinner has two pieces. Okay, but why is it more? ….Where did I lose you? I just don’t get why I’m paying more for the same thing. Because you’re not. No, each dinner has the same thing. One has more of the same thing. It doesn’t make sense that I’m paying more. Little has made sense in this exchange. How about we just go with two pieces then? No, I’ll have the three-piece. Of course.

The moral: Don’t count your chickens.