Two Front Teeth Would Be Preferable

The holiday season is upon us–actually it began seven weeks ago so if you haven’t started your shopping yet, you’re basically %$%!&. With the holiday season comes the joy of spending money on marvelous gifts for marvelous people you marginally like….ahem..marvously like.

I love shopping. Love, love, love it!!! The movie Confessions of a Shopaholic was completely based on my life although I cannot say that with the utmost certainty having never actually seen it. I’m that person who tramples over that other person to buy that StirChef™ Hands-free Saucepan Stirrer every Black Friday at every Walmart in the country. I don’t just shop till I drop, I drop other people while I shop because I want me some delicious crap made by the tiny, tiny hands of children in foreign lands.

Wait a sec…..oh, yes, that’s right. I hate shopping. Hate, hate, hate it!!! The movie Confessions of a Nonshopaholic would be a movie based on my life if it was written and directed by me and then sold to a studio and distributed nationwide.

I think why I hate shopping, and in particular holiday shopping, is because I never know what to buy other people. What do you mean you don’t want a Thigh Glider®?

This year may be different, thanks to LTD Commodities. They sent me their catalog because they must have known I needed help or possibly some website I shopped at sold my personal information to them–six of one, half-dozen of the other.

And this catalog is a white Christmas wonderland of non-island-of-misfit-toys splendor. So so much to chose from. Let’s take a walk down Candy Cane Lane together, shall we?

Shot Gun Shell Shot Glasses

Shot Gun Shell Shot Glasses – the name just rolls off the tongue especially when you have downed several shots of whiskey. This is marketed as “ideal serveware for your hunting lodge” and I couldn’t agree more, but it would be also perfect for every day use, baptisms and shotgun weddings.

Mom & Dad sweatshirts

D.A.D.D. & M.O.M.S Sweatshirts

The D.A.D.D. sweatshirts stands for Dads Against Daughters Dating and the M.O.M.S. for Mothers of Marvelous Sons. These are  “humorous.”  Yes.

On a side note, I appreciate that the catalog has labeled both the mom and the dad in the picture.

Call of Duty® Fleece Throw – Nothing softer or cozier than war.

“We’re Watching You”

Instructional Eye Shadow Sets – Learn smoky eye or experiment with your own color combination under the surveillant eye of Big Brother.

Smells just like fried chicken

Paula Deen Scented Candles – Captures that perfect Southern-fried Crisco scent.

Peace Sign Tables – Give peace a chance… to hold up your Paula Deen scented candles.

This is by no means a tired worn-out expression

Man Cave Stool – Allows one to “mark his male territory.” It will be easy to clean up any urine that hits the vinyl seat as one is marking his territory on the floor around the stool.

Football Team Bedroom Ensemble – To guarantee that you will never, ever score.

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12 comments

  1. The holiday season scares me for several reasons. Halfway through hearing my first holiday song blaring throughout some random store that I don’t want to be in, I think how if you had to live in a little room and listen to that music all the time, it would be like being in a POW camp, without the benefit of learning about other cultures. Another thing is the knowledge that the people who invented all of these gift items will undoubtedly make more money in five minutes than I will make in a lifetime. I’m especially bitter about the sweatshirts, since I thought of them first.

  2. Oh my, reminded me of Christmas at my Grandma’s house. She’s been gone for awhile. She stocked up on random LTD stuff. Kept it under her bed and pulled it out when she needed a present. You just never knew what you might get. Thanks for the memory. I think.

  3. I’m also a non-shopper. Hate. It. Last year my husband and I took a weekend away to a small New England town before the holidays. We chanced upon an artsy boutique shop and did all of our holiday shopping there. It was so easy! We’re doing it again this year.

    Also, I am jealous of your catalogue and I feel like I NEED a Paula Deen scented candle. I bet it smells like the sound of her voice when she says, “Hi, y’all.”

  4. hate shopping, but love this catalog. what a bonanza of shopping ideas. just think – you won’t even have to leave your home or listen to crappy music. jealous. there is someone out there that NEEDS those shot glasses.

  5. I have to forward this to my cousin, who gave me a mobile-phone-at-plug-holder, a boot-shaped make-up pen holder, an candle-holder that smelled strange, another candle holder that looked like a dying swan (and I am vegetarian and not particularily into birds)… The other day while thawing my fridge and pecking out the ice with a kitchen knife, I thought there must be a tool set for that! So if you find that, message me please.

  6. I’m late jumping in here and late jumping on the happy holiday spirit cruise liner that set sail about thirty-two days ago. I am so loving all these items you’ve posted. It’s going to make my holiday shopping a breeze this year.

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