This will be the biggest, most dramatic, most emotional, most amazing, most incredible, most edible, most threadible, most bedible, most shredible blog post ever written about the biggest, most dramatic, most emotional, most herpeseque, most humptifying, most shushleshizzle conclusion in the two-season history of Bachelor Pad.
The finale was three hours long. You must be thinking “That is not nearly enough time to wrap up all of those compelling storylines.”
Or you could be thinking: “What were the compelling storylines on Bachelor Pad?”
I will answer your question:
I don’t know.
But let us begin. Hold on to your #%$@% hats.
Part I: The biggest night by far
We are informed by the host that this is the “biggest night by far here on Bachelor Pad.” See it is the final challenge and the final challenge will take place in Las Vegas. Tons of “Vegas, baby” are said by the remaining cast members. I down my first glass of wine and weep silently into my hands.
Vegas, baby. The four couples enter a theater. They learn that they will be performing a Cirque du Soleil routine. In harnesses, they will scale a giant vertical wall and do some showy fight sequence. I would enjoy this segment much more if they did not use harnesses and had to defy gravity to win the competition. Some contestants profess a desire to lose control of bodily functions either through their anuses or mouths. Graham continues the reality television tradition of misusing the word literal when he says “I’m literally pissing down my leg.”
The judges are all former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants, and this has about as much meaning to me as if they were all from the Campbell County Chamber of Commerce. Wyoming, baby.
Performances. They run up the wall. One couple throws toilet paper. Let’s get to the judging because we have two hours and 45 minutes left…Michael and Holly win. They are going to the finals and will get to chose the other couple that joins them. Ella and Kirk lose. Ella cries. One of the judges makes a pouty face at Ella like Ella is a toddler.
Holly and Mike have a really hard decision. This is made clear by the two of them saying this: “We have a really hard decision ahead of us,” says Michael. “This is a hard decision,” says Holly.
They go speak with the Vienna and Kasey. Gimme gimme gimme!!! Kasey and Vienna say.
They decide to go with Graham and Michelle. Vienna’s face crumples. “My perfect rose record was ruined,” she cries. That must be how Michael Vick felt when his prized pitbull lost its first dog fight.
Part II – the most unbelievable conclusion to Bachelor Pad
The host announces that this is the most unbelievable conclusion to Bachelor Pad. He then says it’s the most amazing conclusion to Bachelor Pad. Well which is it, asshole?
He continues: “It’s been a dramatic season to say the least”. . . 18 of the “most memorable” contestants returned to the bachelor mansion “seeking love”. . “From the moment the first limo pulled up, the drama of Bachelor Pad began and it never let up.”
The host and I were clearly watching different shows.
“Please let me welcome. . Alli” Who the #%@% is that?
“I just don’t know what were in store for tonight, but I’m sure it will be fantastic.” Jesus Christ–we get it, okay? The show is the most amazing show in the history of shows. The people on it are the most amazing people to have ever existed in the past, present and future. The bowel movement the host had before the taping of the show was the greatest bowel movement ever produced by a bowel since the Big Bang.
Interviews….excuse me….amazing(!!) interviews commence. One couple is asked about their relationship. The woman is confused and upset because they recently broke up. “I didn’t get out of bed for a week. Seriously a week.” The guy looks uncomfortably at the floor. The host deftly smooths over this incredibly awkward exchange with “I know I speak for the millions of fans, we’re crying along with you.” I speak for Speaker7– I need another glass of wine.
Jake is now in the “hot” seat. His return “was one of the most controversial” of the season. We watch a retrospective of Jake’s “journey” on Bachelor Pad. It was just like I saw this three weeks ago….because I just saw this three weeks ago. Vienna and Kasey were cold to Jake, Jake confesses. He was particularly hurt by Kasey’s remarks about punching Jake for America. Kasey says he was wrong and acted like a fool and apologizes to Jake. They stand up and give each other a handshake/hug. World peace is restored. It would be the equivalent of watching Barack Obama and John Boehner make out in the Rose Garden.
Kasey is now in the “hot” seat. He watches his Bachelor Pad retrospective. One contestant describes his voice as sounding like Kermit the frog’s. Kasey says he has a speech impediment and now I feel like crap for making fun of the way he talks, but then I realize the impediment affects how he speaks not what he says, and I feel better because I mainly made fun of the inane sh*t he says.
Blake is in the hot seat and I don’t care even if he was the “lightning rod of controversy.” He loves him some Holly. Oh what nice surprise! We have some footage of Holly and Blake having a picnic…and this is not weird at all, not even with the dramatic music, and they talk about how much they love each other and we get different camera angles so we know at least two cameras are capturing this very authentic, and of course amazing, date. And Blake proposes. Like I mentioned before, completely normal.
Jesus Christ, there is a whole &#^&*! hour left.
Part III – the exciting moment you’ve all been waiting for
The host informs us that this is the exciting moment we’ve all been waiting for. I don’t know if the host realizes that he has completely changed the definitions of the words amazing, unbelievable and exciting to now mean dull as shit.
The two remaining couples enter. The host has Holly tell Michael she’s engaged to Blake. “Like here??” Michael incredulously asks. The host wave his hands in a oh-god-no-not-on-the-show-we’re-just-doing-this-now-to-humiliate-you kind of way. “I’m sorry…that’s super awkward,” Michael says.
Four thousand minutes later, the contestants vote. The host helpfully points out that there are 14 people so the first couple to get eight votes wins. Math is hard.
Michael and Holly win. The game is about to take its “final twist and final turn,” the host says. It will “test your relationship like never before,” he says…if you disregard Holly and Michael’s two broken engagements and Holly’s subsequent engagement to another guy. To cut an overly inflated seasonal finale explanation short, Holly and Michael need to decide if they want to share the $250,000. Tension. They do.
“What an amazing ending to a very dramatic season of Bachelor Pad,” the host says.
But that’s not all, we get to meet the newest bachelor for the upcoming season of The Bachelor.
For some reason, my finger hits the power button on the TV remote although I can go to bed reassured that the new season will be amazing, unbelievable and exciting.