In case I die before you read this. . .

The Internet is neat with its social networking (stalking) capabilities, series of tubes, weblogs (aka blogs), emoticons, Nigerian princes.

It has this:

But the ability to access information about virtually anything does have its downsides…especially if you are a hypochondriac who frequently enters symptoms into a Google search engine. The results are never fun. . . cancer . . . Lyme disease. . . chronic wasting disease. . . restless leg syndrome.

I am one of these persons who enters symptoms into a Google search engine. I did it today. I have this weird rash on the inside of my elbow. It looks like this:

I have a very short arm. That's why the inside of my elbow is next to my wrist.



I think it’s a rash from a bug bite…or cellulitis. . . or cancer. It’s cellulitis, I know it’s cellulitis or possibly the ebola virus. . . it’s cellulitis. For those who don’t frequently enter symptoms into a Google search engine and peruse medical websites, cellulitis is a common, potentially serious bacterial skin infection. It can $%@!*^#! turn into flesh-eating strep. Thanks Mayo Clinic.

How do you know you have it?  The rash is red. Okay, is it tender or warm? No. Well then it’s probably not cellulitis. Wait–it feels warm now. Why are you rubbing at it? I was just seeing if it was warm and now it is. It feels really tender too. That’s probably because you can’t seem to stop touching it. You don’t have a fever, right? No. Okay, and it’s not painful to touch? No. Okay, well it’s probably just a rash from a bug—I’m feeling kind of feverish now. Ow. Ow..okay this hurts now. That’s because you’re pinching the skin. I would stop that.  Ow…I need to lie down. That’s good, that’s good. That gets you away from the laptop. Wait–I need to check one thing. *furiously types* it’s not cellulitis. Oh good, I was really worried you were going off the deep—it’s Lyme Disease. I have Lyme Disease. How did you come to that conclusion? It’s red.

And on it goes until I’ve diagnosed myself with mesothelioma, a lung disease one gets from exposure to asbestos.

That’s crazy…

I probably have cellulitis. My arm feels like it’s on fire..or kinda warm. It feels warmish and a little itchy…actually mostly itchy…like a bug bite.

It’s probably from a tsetse fly.

Since I’m clearly dying, I’m going to bequeath a few things:

to It Happens Every Day: my drawings of the Most Eligible: Dallas horse (there’s more than one!!)

to Not Quite Old: I pass the responsibility of blogging about the 2012 presidential election. I promise it will be awesome.

to Best Bathroom Books: my encyclopedia of What Woman Want. It’s actually the script to the Mel Gibson movie, but it will help you further your cause of blowing people’s minds.

to The Happy Logophile: my collection of Stephanie Meyer memorabilia. You will need an extra room

to Kim Pugliano: my Bachelor Pad Kasey to English dictionary.

I feel better now….well my arm is kinda tender.






  1. I blogged ultrasounds of gallstones and was gratified that my gallstones were bigger and better.
    But you have to survive the ebola tsetse cellulitis. Because I can’t blog about the election. My tears will short out my laptop.

  2. (tears) Thank you thank you. The cool thing is I am a medical transcriptionist for a living. That just means doctors talk and I type what they say. It’s mostly emergency room visits. Everyone I know has decided that since I type doctors’ words for a living I can diagnose them. Therefore, going off the description you have provided, I feel fairly certain that you have herpes.

    Carry on.

  3. As my S/O would say, “Don’t google, and if it gets worse, go to the doctor!”, after I realised I might have diabetes because my toe repeatedly hurt. And no, I didn’t go to the doctor. And you should not either! You should google natural remedies and over-the-counter medicine for your cellulitis-ebola-cancer.

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