Speaker7’s Choice

Monday night was difficult, readers. My plan was to watch the 47th episode of Bachelor Pad, but then I learned Most Eligible: Dallas was also airing a new episode on Bravo.

!?!

What do I choose? How do I choose? How can you expect me to choose?

I felt like I was in that movie, you know, the one with Meryl Streep…where she had to make that unbelievable choice? I think it was called She-Devil? Best to do a compare/contrast.

Okay, which show is better? How can you even ask me that? That’s like asking which flavor of Ben & Jerry’s is better or which child is better if I had two children (I don’t, so in this case my one child is the most awesome).

Alright then, which story has the better storyline? Cruel…such a cruel, cruel question…*sigh*….Bachelor Pad is about people living together in a house, consuming vast quantities of alcohol and trying to find a way to win money love. Most Eligible: Dallas is about people living in a city, consuming vast quantities of alcohol and trying to avoid herpes find love.

It also has this:

Let us bow down in wonder of this splendorous horse.

Hmmm…well, which one is on earlier? Bachelor Pad.

Okay, then watch Bachelor Pad.

So I did. I listened to the little voice in my head, the voice that normally just screams and screams, and I watched Most Eligible: Dallas Bachelor Pad. Here is what happened:

A shot of a fountain. “Tonight’s rose ceremony was insane,” voiceovers someone. Who left in the last episode? I insanely don’t remember.

The host shows up and laments how things are just going to get harder; they’ll start voting off “friends” and breaking up alliances. He orders them to partner up because now “you win as a couple, get voted off as a couple.” He orders them to get to know one another and then leaves.

Blake and Erica are the only two without established partners….I wonder what will happen? Tension…waiting….I nibble on a nail…..They become partners. The other partners are Vienna and Kasey, Michelle and Graham, Holly and Michael and Ella and Kirk. Ella says she doesn’t know much about Kirk. That’s okay, neither do I. I think he’s Blake 85 percent of the time.

Competiton: The Nearly-Wed Game. Michael shows that he understands what the word literally means when he says “That’s pretty literal for us.” See he and Holly almost got married. This is a first in reality television history! Kasey is feeling confident: “So close, I can smell it.” He might be mistaking his breath for victory (Victory Breath™). Questions are asked: Who’s better in bed? How many dates does your partner need before making whoopee? Have you no sense of decency? We finally get to: How old was your partner when he lost his virginity? Graham answers: “Seven. I was 7-years-old.” And his partner Michelle gets it right.

…….uhhh…….

Okay, alright, let’s all relax. It’s actually a strategy….an intelligent strategy so I’m having a hard time recovering from this, but Graham and Michelle decided that every numerical answer would be 7, every answer about a non-gender person in the house would be Michael, and every answer about a female would be Holly. This was actually……smart. I’m using smart in a recap of a reality show. History is made twice.

Blake knows he needed that rose since everyone said they hated him in the game, and shows that he doesn’t even have a basic grasp of carpentry when he says: “It’s like watching the final nail drilled into your coffin” when Graham and Michelle are announced as the winners. They high-five in a I-got-to-look-like-I-was-raped-at-7 kind of way.

They get to go on a helicopter date to watch a terrible movie.

Meanwhile, something horrible is happening at the house. I’ll let Ella explain because otherwise I will begin dry-heaving. “There’s definitely some sexual tension between Kasey and Vienna. . . right now it’s simmering. It’s going to pretty interesting when it boils over.” Power Couple™ Vienna and Kasey storm into the kitchen where food is prepared and people may actually eat, and Vienna accuses Kasey of taking off her promise ring because she will not have sex with him. Kasey says “You continually lead me on” and it looks like he’s either miming masturbation or actually doing it, and now I need to take a break to wash my eyeballs out with Clorox.

I’m back…jesus christ, they’re still arguing about this. Why didn’t you tell me? I might have to remove your promise ring…and now I’m going to transcribe (well, to the best of my ability, Kasey is completely incomprehensible most of the time) their conversation so you will have it in your mind for all eternity.

Kasey says: “Shushfsh zizzle. You’re looking crazy right now.” Pot meet kettle

“You just took a ring off my finger because I’m not having sex with you,” says Vienna.

“No because you don’t do shings shiz, you don’t follow through. Shiz shizzzzzzzzz.”

We move into the bedroom. Vienna is lying on the top bunk bed.

“I have nothing to say to you. You make such a big deal over sex,” she says.

“Because you kept telling me that’s what you wanted,” Kasey replies

“I haven’t kept telling you anything,” Vienna says.

“How can you deny it?” asks Kasey.

“Today is the first time I’ve said ANYTHING about that,” says Vienna.

“You said ‘Yes, I want to do it and then you don’t follow through’ and shizzle my nizzle. Don’t keep saying you want to do it then not.”

This interaction has completely ruined sex for you, hasn’t it.

It continues…

“I don’t keep saying anything,” says Vienna

“Yes, you do.”

“No is no. No matter if it’s not this or no that or no this or no that. No is no,” says Vienna.

“Then don’t keep telling me you’re going to,” says Kasey. Oh, now we get subtitles? NOW? After countless incomprehensible conversations, you are going to tell me what Kasey is actually saying??? Well I refuse to transcribe out of principle…shizzle shuz. Suffice to say, the couple ends up in the boom-boom room and Vienna says “Let’s get this over with.” Romance.

Let’s wrap this up because I’m tired and I’m at my highest word count.

Blake and Erica also win a date because they came in second. We witness the worst seduction in the course of history and I’ve seen several Michael Douglas movies so that is saying something. Blake “resists” Erica’s “advances”. Blake and Erica get a pair of roses that they can use to save another couple.

They decide to give them to Kasey and Vienna who conveniently are not humping or talking about humping at the time. They think they will be safe because of Kasey’s powers of persuasion.

Little do they know that most people do not understand Kasey when he speaks so Blake and Erica are voted off. There is some “sadness” on Holly’s part because she digs Blake, but I don’t care so I’m not writing about it.

I flipped to Most Eligible:Dallas and it turned out that I hadn’t missed a single second because it was on right after Bachelor Pad.

After watching five minutes, I discovered I had made the right choice, and went to bed.

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9 comments

  1. This has probably be asked before (and if so I second that request), have you thought about watching The Jersey Shore? Its like an orange version of the shows you watch now. Plus you can feel cultured, they are in Italy now I think!

  2. I love this. I used to write recaps of the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad/Whatever Involves a Rose Ceremony, but I was afraid I’d be judged on my poor taste in reality shows (no, I will not watch anything with Real Housewives or Kim Kardashian or Dancing with any Stars — I just want my rose ceremonies, damnit!), so I stopped.

    (Actually, that’s a lie. I stopped because my TiVo ceased recording (judgement??) and I missed too many episodes of this season’s Bachelor Pad. Do you have recaps for episodes 2 through whatever this was? I would really appreciate that.)

  3. I am *ob – sessed* (said in Rachel Zoe’s voice) with your recreation of the Most Eligible: Dallas horse. Please tell me there is a raffle I can enter to win a copy.

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