Month: August 2011

My rose to myself

When I began this blog, I made a promise to myself that I would write everyday. And it so far has worked out. . . until today. So that is why I watched Bachelor Pad.

I said to myself “Self, watch the first episode.” And then saw that the first episode was actually three 45-minute episodes. Beer me strength. If you have never seen or heard of Bachelor Pad, contestants from previous Bachelor/Bachelorette live in a house, someone stops being polite and starts getting real, and some couple wins $250,000. Things “are going to get exciting.” Things “are going to get interesting.” Things “are going to get crazy.” These sentences are thrown about by various bachelor/ettes who all look the same to me.

Part I

Host says something like “All the memorable contestants in Bachelor history are here” and names people like the guy who wore the shirt, the guy who got the tattoo, the guy who gave everyone herpes. Now we get to meet them in-depth. They’re 18 of them so be patient, luckily the producers only deemed 11 of them important enough to get an introduction.

First up – wrestler, stands in front of graffiti, then shown boxing because he’s a wrestler.

Girl who beats herself up while sleeping — will use the money to cure cancer.

Girl with major plot points on a clipboard – slept with some guy, hates this contestant who better not show up on Bachelor Pad, which leads us directly to a segment on that bachelorette. Plot twist!

Vienna – I know her because I watched that Dancing with the Stars with her ex-fiance Jake and she was always in the audience. I watched Dancing with the Stars because I suffered from postpartum depression. In her introduction, she gets bronzer sprayed on her inner thighs.

Tattoo guy from the host intro – he is Vienna’s boyfriend. Something is wrong with his microphone…no, that is just his voice. It’s hard to describe, but when he talks, I feel like I have cotton in my ears. He’s going to pummel Jake, and he “will punch him for America.” Which lead us to…

Jake – walks in a hay field, climbs into a jet.

Girl with Tiara on head – tells us she “lives out of a trust fund.” How does someone do that? Does she live in a big vault? I would watch a show about that. She dances in astroturf and says she will kiss a girl.

Blue shirt guy – he films himself doing good work like Gandhi used to.

Girl without home – it appears she lives in the woods. She stalks out homes. She wants to buy a home for her son. She watched her mother get murdered by her stepfather. Jesus Christ, Bachelor Pad, don’t make me feel actual feelings.

Girl (I’m getting tired) – she was engaged to another bachelor contestant and zzzzzzzzzzz

He’s there too. Things “are going to get interesting.”

Okay, introductions are done. First limo arrives. Squee! And it’s….who? Some woman. Was she in the introductions….yes?….I don’t know… She says her mind has “literally been blown.” I don’t think she knows what literally means. She is one of the contestants who tells us many times that things are going to get either crazy or exciting. Still waiting.

Then some guy shows up. I don’t know who he is, but he tells us that “it’s going to get crazy in here. I know it.” Then a guy shows up and another guy and the girl with tiara and then Vienna, who I recognize, and who also doesn’t understand what literally means because she says her heart is literally “beating a million miles a minute.” I look at the timer on the bottom of the screen–are you freaking kidding me? Only 20 minutes have gone by? I’m going to literally bash my head into my dining room table. And I do, because I know what literally means.

More people speak about how interesting and exciting and crazy things are going to get as they mill around like they’re at the worst office holiday party ever. This is building up to the arrival of Jake, which I hope causes Vienna’s heart to literally explode while Cotton-Mouth literally punches Jake for America. Jake arrives and he talks about the weather with Vienna and Cotton-Mouth and this is literally the most interesting moment in the episode.

Part II

Host comes in, reminds everyone that there are 9 men, 9 women. Everyone needs to partner up and one woman is worried she will be left without a partner, and I weep for our public school system. Here’s the challenge: Guys are in harnesses and launched into the air with the ladies wrapped around them. Vienna says she is going to “literally wrap her legs around him” which will be an effective strategy if the other women decide to figuratively do it. This is an unnecessarily long segment. It’s down to Jake and his partner and Vienna and Cotton-Mouth. Jake wins, he gets a rose, protection and a hot date. Vienna and Cotton-Mouth have a hot-tub fight then a patio fight. Each fight involves Vienna saying multiple times how Cotton-Mouth was supposed to protect her. If it’s to protect her from being on horribly boring reality shows then she’s got a point. Alliance talk, it’s really “exciting.” Cotton-Mouth refers to another dude as “schematic.”

Part III

Grainy night-camera sex.

This has literally been my longest post ever!


 

 

 

 

Water is really scary

According to the Today Show, water is filled with rogue bull sharks bent on tearing off human limbs and parasitic amoebas that feast on human brains.

Leading off the week, was the story of a rogue (maverick?) bull shark that tore apart a man while he was on his honeymoon in Seychelles. Really awful awful stuff. Then the next day, there was another story on the Today Show about a man being mauled and killed by a shark, and Jesus Christ, he was on his honeymoon too….wait it’s the same story. Okay, that makes me feel a bit better, but it’s still awful to hear all the same details over again. Oh, and now, they have audio of the bride talking about hearing him scream…yeesh, terrible. And then the next day, I couldn’t believe it, but there again was another story about a shark killing a poor honeymooner, and I’m all about to go all Captain Ahab on some shark’s dorsal regions when I see that it’s the same story. It’s the same honeymooner, and it’s being reported on a third day because… well first we have to go through all the tragic details, the horrible injuries, the audio of his widow (shudder), and now officials are hunting a shark that is “terrorizing paradise.” I should mention briefly that on the first day of reporting, which now seems like seven years ago, the Today show did have on a shark expert explaining how incredibly rare it is for a shark to attack a human, but any attempt at measured, rationale explanation is now eclipsed by coverage of the massive shark hunt. Some fisherman scrapes his fingernails on a chalkboard. Some local official says the beaches need to be closed but the mayor’s like “what about tourism season?” Some marine biologist goes on to conduct his opus. And now we’re onto 4th day of Hell Shark Hell-Bent on Killing You. Yes, You Heard Me Right. You. And the Today show reporter talks about the man on his honeymoon…his horrible injuries…oh, the audio, the audio…shark hunt…no shark yet. Today is 5th day of I Swear to God I Just Saw Hell Shark in Your Neighbor’s Pool, and they haven’t caught it yet!

Okay, let’s relax. A shark, even a demonic one, cannot survive in a chlorinated pool. Just don’t swim in the ocean for awhile to avoid all those hellish sharks with their taste for human blood (they say it’s tastes like chicken). What? I’m sorry, what’s that Today show? Oh, parasitic amoebas took over and destroyed three people’s brains, and these three people were swimming in just regular run-o’-the mill lakes and ponds? In the United States? Thank you.

So yes, today after the 5th day of bull shark stories, the Today show runs a segment on these “brain-eating” amoebas and how the waters just teem with them, especially warm waters and we all know how freakin’ hot this summer has been. Where is there not warm water? They even have this instructive computer simulation of three boys swimming where one boy sucks an amoeba parasite in his nose while he playfully submerges himself underwater. The amoeba moves up whatever canal connects your nose to your brain and just starts eating. I am completely freaking out. Then this science guy comes on to say just how rare this is. In fact over 50 years, only 150 deaths have been reported…wait. So let me just do a little math…so on average three people die a year from this and three people died this year from this…oh do Centers for Disease Control people believe this is something different, some kind of outbreak? No. Oh, okay. Hmm.

So what should we do besides not swim anywhere ever? Lester Holt suggests buying nose plugs. That might work when watching Today as well.

The poors and their refrigerators

I had no idea that the poors were living it up with their refrigerators, microwaves and indoor toilets during a recession(!!) while rich people are still struggling with the Bush tax cuts. The number one struggle: do I dip myself in solid gold or gold leaf? The Daily Show had a piece on rabid succubi (used twice in blog posts on one day!), otherwise known as “news” anchors and/or professional politicians, ripping apart poor people for demanding their food–that they procured from the local food pantry–be kept at a temperature that prevents spoiling because clearly they are sucking America dry while at the same time decrying that having the rich actually pay their fair share in income taxes amounts to being that asshole that takes all the fresh vegetables at the food pantry.

And then on the same day I watch this, because who the heck stays up till 11:00 p.m.?, I read about Leon Black’s birthday party. Elton John was paid $1 million to sing another version of Candle in the Wind called Leon Black is a Candle in the Wind. And it had this really funny joke–okay it’s only really funny if you lost your entire 401K in 2008–this Goldman Sachs dude says to another rich dude who threw a $3 million 60th birthday party for himself in 2007 complete with Rod Stewart (really?), that rich dude’s 2007 party  got us into the financial crisis, let’s hope this current rich dude’s 60th party “gets us out of it.” And I totally snot my coffee because I’m all like bwha-ha-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha!! And then I think about the poors being able to put their creamer in a refrigerator (!) and I get all riled up again.

Seriously, I’m completely demoralized. We’re really going to get the pitchforks and torches out for people who pay no income taxes because either they’re retired or make next to nothing? But we’re going to let the douchebags that got us into this mess, and continue to still benefit from it, slide?

Yup.

Common Courtesy lives on

Some believe that common courtesy has gone the way of the dinosaurs and political compromise. I know some people believe this because I did a Google search and received 65 million hits. The inverse–courtesy is alive and well–only garnered 3 million hits therefore and hence four-score-and-ipso-facto, courtesy is dead. Research + statistics=proven statement of a fact. It sure seems like it’s true even if you might question my mathematical statement, which I wouldn’t do because I will totally go America all over your ass (reference). People seem a tad more tightly wound and freak over the slightest provocation. Just a few seconds ago, my husband asked me to watch our child for a second and I flipped over the dining room table in response. And there’s that ruder then the rudest rude interview conducted by Piers I Imports with the Witch Lady where he asked her questions based on topics covered in the book she was hawking. Nervy.

So courtesy is dead and everyone is just plain awful…or is it and are they? Let me share an uplifting story that clearly shows people aren’t the succubuses (succubi?) you think they are. As I mentioned in the above paragraph, I have a child. He’s a young-un. Whenever we leave the house, we resemble nomads with the amount of gear and accessories we tote to keep his *big head distracted (*I don’t mean to say I think he’s an egoist, he’s really got a huge skull). We had to make such the trip today for a little PT time at the local gym. I was the pack mule while my husband carried the child. We were about 10 feet from the entrance, when these older men exited with their racquetball racquets. One of them stopped to hold the door open and with just the slightest trace of irritation in his voice, yelled “Come on!” What an obvious gentleman.

So the next time you find yourself about to key the car of the jackal who stole your parking space, think about the older guy yelling “Come on!” to a couple who had not even made the requisite eye contact displaying a request for help–and it will make you gouge just a little bit deeper.

Is my sister’s boyfriend or his brother my baby’s dad?

Who hasn’t asked themselves that very question at least once?

So Vicki slept with Jamal who is her sister Sara’s boyfriend, but she also slept with Dominque who is Jamal’s brother, and someone’s sperm connected with Vicki’s egg, which is where we get the succinct title for today’s Maury. Maury Povich has an endless supply of guests who find themselves in this predicament and an endless supply of manila envelopes in which to store the paternity results.  There is yelling and pointing. There is bleeping of words. There is a video feed of a small child who deserves his or her own episode  on Maury titled “Are These Really My Parents? Jesus Christ.”  There are sometimes back flips. It is “incredible” and “shocking” according to Maury, but probably not in the way he means.

Maury asks some good questions of Vicki, like: “What’s your relationship with your sister like now?”

Vicki: “It’s not like it’s used to be.” Yes.

In a pre-taped interview Sara comes to this realization: “I need to know if my niece is my boyfriend’s baby.” Yes.

And that is where we find ourselves now, waiting for Maury to reveal the results. Will Sara dump Jamal (Maury made sure to ask that. It’s too soon to say, says Sara)? Will Jamal punch Dominque? Possible. Will someone yell? Yes, there is always the yelling. There are also either one or 23 other couples in similar predicaments in this episode, but the yelling has caused them to blur together into a mess of lost dreams and unopened condoms.

And we will have to continue to wait because Maury is milking a second show out of this tomorrow. Here is my guess: Everyone loses.

Humbert Humbert approves

I try to stick up for the French because they helped us in the American Revolution, Pepe le Pew is the greatest cartoon character of all time and freedom fries taste terrible, but then they go and do this. And I’m like Sacre bleu, man! The ad campaign for sexy lingerie for little girls….it’s just….it’s just….eh. Who is your target audience? Creepy Uncle Carl who is not allowed to be left alone with the children?

I initially thought the ad campaign was dreamt up by 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson to make his marriage to 16-year-old Courtney Stodden seem less barfesque (that’s French for icky). But no, it’s legit. It’s legit because it was on the Today show, which I watch to learn the most important stories of the day.

I tuned in to see Smarm-Monster aka Jeff Rossen  “reporting” a hard-hitting story about a store not seeking publicity by asking a reality-based carbon life form to not do something. Since both covet their privacy, I’m declining to name them out of respect.

Then the story about the kid lingerie came up. Or maybe it came after the shark attack story, I not sure. Either way I’m glad that starving thing in Somalia cleared up because that was getting kind of depressing.

So, merde. French, we still have Paris, but you got to cut this shit out.

Please don’t make me make a decision on whether I suffer from decision fatigue

While deciding whether I have the will to cook dinner or instead earn my nutrients by sucking down glass after glass of wine (grapes, antioxidants, cork protein), I came across this NY Times Magazine article. It made me appreciate the “job” of Larry King’s replacement, Ozzela Osborne and Rubber Glovehead on the show America’s Unemployed Should Be Put to Work in Different Manner. I had cruelly dismissed the show as somewhat non exciting and the end of America in this post that I accessed several times from my iPad to get my viewing count up (4 views, yo).

But I give them props (the kids still say that, right?). These people/mannequins had to sit through a bunch of acts and then make a decision, and making a bunch of decisions can lead you to impulsive acts like buying a shake weight or cutting yourself off from reality altogether, according to people who study stuff and coin new syndromes (see restless leg syndrome). They conducted experiments and had people who shopped at a mall (people still do that?) stick their hands in lukewarm water to see who would pee themselves first, I may not be entirely accurate in my reading, but the heavy shoppers peed sooner than the ones who didn’t have to make choices between which horrible Kim Karzdigiohsiishain KBebe koutfit to buy. And they peed faster because their will to live had been sapped by the suck of consumerism fatigue the comes from making tons of decisions about  meaningless material items that were made by Indonesian fetuses.

This explains a lot. This explains why I was willing to use a cardboard box as a car seat because I could not make a decision between the 123,078 varieties out there while consulting childcare books that informed me if I made the wrong decision, I was basically committing infanticide. This explains why I spent many years at a job that I hated because I didn’t want to put in the necessary decision-making to change the course of my life. This explains why I was watching America’s Got Talent.

But at least now I have something to blame it on like when I can’t come up with an original ending for a blog post–that’s my decision fatigue, brother.

Kinetic Kings are Worth What?

Due to recession and baby (the recession,baby), I spend a lot of evenings indoors, relying on the television for entertainment. This is why having a baby is difficult because you are subject to the whims of network programming (Who can afford cable, man? I mean, do you have it? You do. Where do you live?). So last night I saw It’s Worth What? also known as The Unrelatable Price is Right? and Why is This On? The host is Cedric the Entertainer and the basic premise is the contestants are presented with a bunch of obscenely expensive items and they need to determine which thing is the most obscenely expensive. So like Cedric will bring out an albino caribou with fins and a piano made out of foie gras and the contestants are like “Wha? I have no fucking idea. I will pick the piano? Based on absolutely no rationale whatsoever because why would I know anything about either item? I shop at fucking Aldi man. Have you seen the price of meat these days? Jesus Christ, I’ve been out of work for six months” and then Cedric shouts “IT’S WORTH WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT?” and the little computer screens next to the caribou eating the foie gras piano run through a bunch of huge prices until settling on what each costs, and of course the albino-finned caribou is $523,000 compared to the $345,000 foie gras piano, and the contestant is like “You expect me to register any emotion about this?” and the producers point to the line in the contract that states “You must express emotion in even the most ridiculous situations” and so the contestant then puts his face in his hands and shakes his head as if to say “I should have known the caribou was more expensive, I am such an idiot” and it continues for what feels like another 700 rounds.

I know this is supposed to be the rich fool’s The Price is Right, but no one cares what rich fools waste their money on while they’re exporting jobs oversees. It’s far too abstract. The contestants might as well be choosing between the value of a circle compared to a square or an asteroid to a meteor (fyi-the circle and meteor are the more expensive). The reason why The Price is Right has been on for 300 years is because you can actually play along. Most people have been in supermarkets and picked up a box of Rice-a-Roni and can make a pretty educated guess if that box costs more than a bar of Irish Spring. And it’s got Plinko.

So I make it through the whole show–it is an hour!?!–and then up next is America’s Fucking Sad, which is a “talent” competition featuring “celebrity” judges. The despair weighing me down has made it impossible to lift my body from the sofa so I’m watching the Wild Card episode where they bring back failures to make nearly all of them subject to another round of failures. First up is the Kinetic King, and he builds little structures out of tongue depressors and aluminum cans, and he pulls a string that knocks them all down due to kinetics or royalty. You know how dominoes look all cool and make designs that you weren’t expecting when knocked over? Well this isn’t it.  This is just a big jumble of sticks and cans. And I know that if I roll a can into a bunch of other cans, they will knock over so what is the talent exactly? I guess it would be cool if I saw this as a demonstration at the Local Science Museum of Kinetic Jamboree after I got my hair all staticky on the ball of electricity, but it’s just what my living and dining rooms look like after my kinetic son is done playing his favorite game of knocking things over and throwing things around. The last time on the show the sticks and cans stayed upright so the Kinetic King is psyched that it worked this time. He’s so psyched that he gets in fetal position and sucks his thumb, and I realize the dream of America has ended.

Next up are little people inside puppets with giant heads, and they do a lip synch to a They Might Be Giants’ song. Talk-Show Host and Phone-Hacker Piers Morgan positively hates this act and is disgusted that Glove-Balloon Howie Mandel has brought it back, because he has standards like the fetal-prone Kinetic King. And I’m done for the night.

So this morning, I read how watching TV shortens your life and I’m like “You expect me to register any emotion on this?”

House Hunting :)

So Mr. Speaker7 and I are looking at buying a new house. I say “new,” but it is a house other people previously and currently live in. I remember Teresa Guidice from the Real Housewives of Chemical Taint saying in an episode that buying a used house was gross, and that’s why she was building a new house that became really ungross when it was foreclosed upon by the bank.

This is really an exciting time to be taking on a huge financial investment. Interest rates are historically low, sellers, like Guidice, are desperate to unload houses at a loss–it’s a buyer’s market.

But still it’s always good to make a pro/con list before agreeing to give up three internal organs in your mortgage agreement.

PRO – Public employees, ah yeah!

Mr. Speaker7 and I are public employees, a group of workers that is saluted daily by politicians, tea aficionados, and lighthearted news personalities. Hello, job security!! I remember that teacher parade thrown by Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin where Walker shredded the contract giving bargaining rights and used it as confetti. While we are responsible for the 2008 recession by somehow taking over the bodies of Wall Street traders and bankers and making unsustainable loans and causing giant banks to collapse, we are being rewarded by getting the chance to do more work and make less money or do no work at all.

PRO – Corporate profits are up

If you didn’t know, it’s really good when corporations get out of paying taxes or pay less in taxes because it somehow trickles down to the rest of us. Corporations are the job-creators so when they make huge profits, they create jobs in the form of huge bonuses to their CEOs. And corporate profits are really, really big, like, a CEO could lose a wallet filled with $3 million and not even care that it fell out of his solid-gold coat when he purchased Greece as a vacation home. So that trickle of olive oil is coming any day now…any day now… any day now…wait for it….

PRO – the next POTUS is going to be so awesome

So Barack Obama could win reelection or one of those people who remind me of Garbage Pail Kids could win–either way it’s going to be pretty sweet. Barack Obama says nice stuff about the regular folks, which makes it more palatable when the retirement age is moved to 95 in the next debt ceiling debate. Those other people seem really, really good and they eat corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair all the while making sure regular Americans have the same steady work as that carny operating the Crazy Plane ride.

PRO – the recession is over

I saw that somewhere, maybe on Fox and Friends or Spongebob Squarepants, some person was saying that the recession of 2008 ended sometime, like maybe this past Friday. I don’t know for sure because I was real busy that Friday deciding if I should kick it in the front seat or sit in the back seat–seriously which seat should I take? So the recession is over, put away your cans of Fancy Feast, put another wad of newspaper in the barrel fire and dance around your hobo tent.

CON – moving sucks

That really is just basically it. I would totally buy that house especially with all those pros, but moving just sucks a giant snowball.

This is so cute

So I was watching the Today show, and after I viewed the requisite segments on the white-women-missing-in-Aruba epidemic and the Jeff-Rossen-sliming-all-over-the-microphone-in-his-best-smarminess perversion, I saw a piece about this 4-year-old who is the world’s youngest preacher, according to They Say. This was so cute. The woman who looks like all the other women anchors on Today except for Ann Curry–I call her “Composite”–she introduced the segment as “this is so cute” so that’s how I knew how to react properly since my initial reaction was to recoil in horror.

They showed footage of the “pint-sized preacher” “preaching” at his “church” somewhere in the country where people speak with Southern accents. He wore a suit and growled about the one Lord and holy God–most of it was incomprehensible–and then he danced a little bit. And…it….was…..so……cute. . . like how it would be so cute to watch a 4-year-old preside over an infomercial on Ab Rockets or be the fifth housewife on the Real Housewives of the Pentecostal Church or be interviewed by Jeff Rossen about being the world’s youngest most off-putting minister.

Thankfully his parents say they’re not pushing the boy to be a preacher and they have no agenda. They said this on the number-one-rated national morning news show where they also promoted the National Geographic special that features their son after the boy gained national attention by his parents uploading his sermonizing on YouTube. That was maybe the cutest thing of all.