The World Will End *insert date*

Okay so this hurricane is here, wreaking havoc and being a total bitch – this guy’s words not mine–and you may be wondering what you should do.

I would worry less about listening to the “meteorologists” and “public officials” and focus more on the people who are here to tell us what this storm really means. . . like radio personality Glenn Beck. Beck hasn’t always been accurate in his soothsaying in the past like when he predicted Aug. 22, 2006 was, “the day Israel’s going to be wiped off the map, leading to all out Armageddon.” Okay, so that didn’t happen. And usually when you say something like such-and-such date “is the day Israel’s going to wiped off the map, leading to all out Armageddon” and then that day passes with little fanfare, you’re likely going to look like an a-hole, and people may begin to second-guess the stuff you say. But Beck is really onto something this time.

I would get out your chalkboard to write this down. You don’t have a chalkboard!?! Go buy one. Right now! I’ll wait.

You’re back? Okay. So Beck basically said this hurricane was a “blessing from God” (I’d hate to see what it looks like when God is smiting someone). Just like with the earthquake, God is reminding us that we are not in control, which I imagine Beck needs little reminding.

Proof:

The Mona Lisa
Glenn Beck is crying. It is Saturday. 

Beck has been saying “for years” to be prepared for something like this to happen. And you’re a “dummy” if you haven’t been stocking up on guns, ammo, food and water.

Beck also has said this: “I just–I’m white. I’m human. There are a lot of environmentalists that don’t like humans, but within the humans that accept humans, I’m white. The majority of humans don’t like whites.”

Good to know. So how should you handle this impending blessing from God?

Do not, I repeat, do not go to the store to pick up food and water because you will seriously look like a “dummy” for not listening to Beck sooner. It’s better to save face. Here’s what you can do instead:

1. Trade your money in for gold coins.  Some possible places to get them? I’m just spitballing here, but try Goldline.

2. Buy a chalkboard. I’m really serious about this. I still can’t believe you haven’t gotten one yet. Oh. . .Staples won’t take gold coins? Shoot. Okay, well trade some of your gold coins in for cash to buy that chalkboard. What? You got less back then what you paid for? Not my problem.

3. Develop your own conspiracy theory about why this storm is happening. “God is reminding you you’re not in control” has already been taken. You can jump on that bandwagon, but if you want to get interviewed on TV or blogged about, try to outdo Beck. Some possible suggestions:

  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with liberals
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with gays
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with Muslims
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with abortionists aborting all babies excepts ones that are liberal, gay or Muslim
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with illegal immigrants
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with liberal, gay, Muslim, abortion-loving illegal immigrants

That should do it. These tips will also work well in a variety of natural disasters, e.g. zombie apocalypse, Armageddon, Obama reelection, etc.

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7 comments

  1. Here in Australia we read that online billboards had gone up saying Jesus was coming to Atlanta in June 2011. So off we went to meet him. We weren’t sure if we’d be immediately rising to heaven or would be left among those for whom judgement day would come a little later. (My knowledge of theology is sketchy, at best.) Either way, we’re still waiting for the world to end. Just as well, really, as I still have a few things on my to do list.

    PS Can you imagine what heaven might be like, with all *those* people in it?

    1. Yes, I’m thinking it’s probably better to remain on earth after the rapture. I don’t know what happens because, like you, my knowledge of theology is not my strong suit. Probably fire and blood and locusts? Still sounds better.

      1. You don’t happen to be a fan of Six Foot Under do you? If you are/were, you will remember that each episode opened with an often bizarre death.

        My absolute favourite opening sequence from that show was when a bunch of helium filled, life-sized, anatomically correct blow-up dolls were accidentally released on route to a trade show. As they ascend into the sky a lady jumps out her station wagon in awe of the rapture and is immediately killed by an on-coming car.

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