This Post Will Be Unpopular

People seem to really like Twilight.

Like this person:


There are teams, I guess part of the vampire baseball league, that people sign up for, there are Twilight conventions, there is this:

The Mona Lisa

I am adding my own contribution to the the Twilibrary; a condensed Cliff Notes of all four books that I wrote after reading them in 2008. It’s a bit incomplete because I stopped summarizing about 334 pages into the third book.  Before you read it, I should say that I’m really not a fan of the books. Here’s the thing though, buddy. This is America. Love it or leave it pal or what I mean, is America is full of melting pots and salads bowls of differing opinions.  And if someone doesn’t agree with you then you call them a Communist or liberal pukeball or Volturi-lover (I’m imagining that is an insult).

Book 1: Twilight

Hi I’m Bella. I moved to Forks, WA, because my mom is obsessed with her new minor league hubby and since I’m so mature (a characteristic that will continue to be refuted by the next 2,500 pages of my insipid thoughts), I decided to hightail to my dad’s house. I’m clumsy and plain. Every boy in Forks loves me. Oh look there’s a hot guy with topaz eyes and really really white skin. His name is Edward and he has three equally pale-looking siblings. He’s hot, hot, hot!  Whoa, he like totally hates me, wtf? Oh now he saves me from being hit by a van. How did he move so fast? Oh, he’s a vampire. Who’s hot. He loves me because my blood is the sweetest blood he’s ever smelled (um yuck? I mean *sigh*) Oh here comes a plot…kind of…(on page 856) vampire baseball game..these other outta town vamps want to play, and one named James smells me and now must spend his life tracking me down. I flee with Edward’s “brother” Jasper and “sister” Alice, but then James calls and says he has my mom, so I leave defenseless because hmm. . . And now I’m being beaten to death and bitten, but Edward shows up at the last minute and sucks the vampire venom from my hand. We go to the prom. I want to be a vampire. That is my entire thought process on it well except for thoughts that I hope I’m pretty. Did I mention Edward was hot?

Book 2: New Moon

Edward, who is really, really good-looking,  is leaving me because Jasper wanted to kill me when I got a paper cut. This seems plausible. I become nothing.  I do some awesome things like ride a motorcycle, walk in dangerous neighborhoods where I’m almost gang-raped, and cliff dive because I can hallucinate Edward’s voice telling me to cut this shit out. This is the greatest love story ever with the exception of Sid and Nancy and OJ and Nicole. Oh and then I lob onto this friend of the family named Jacob who turns out to be a werewolf and he’s totally in love with me, because who isn’t? Did I mention I’m plain and clumsy. Werewolves hate vampires and there’s a treaty and zzzzzzzzzzz….  I cliff dive alone and then as I’m drowning, I see Edward and decide this is an awesome time to die, but then Jacob rescues me because otherwise the series would end. Alice can see into the future, but can’t see werewolves because necessary plot point and then she comes to Forks to comfort my dad. She finds out the Edward thinks I’m dead so he’s going to Italy to meet up with the royal vampire family the Volturi to request his death..and zzzzzzzzzzz……Vampires sparkle (seriously?) in the sunlight so he’s gonna step out into the public square at noon and force the Volturi to kill him. I save him and blah blah and now the Volturi want me to be vampire because I know too much…and Edward loves me so now I can live again because remember girls: You are nothing without a man even if his body is at room temperature and he does drink blood.  Yea for me!

Book 3: Eclipse

Edward’s hot, hot, hot. I’m plain. I want to be a vampire!!! Ed said he’d turn me only if I marry him first. OMG!!! I can’t marry him..that’s totally f***ed up, but what isn’t is the idea of ending my human life and spending eternity with him, that’s an easy decision like paper or plastic. Jacob wants me bad!!! But Edward wants to keep me from him so he removes my car battery and has Alice hold me hostage when he’s out hunting animals, and no one anywhere thinks that’s insane. Feminism is vanquished. I want to be a vampire!!! Uh-oh, a newborn vamp is killing people in Seattle. I totally want Edward’s marbled body. . .oh Jacob kisses me! What will I look like when I’m a vampire….

(editor’s note: the rest of this may or may not have happened)

I looked up into the grayish sky. The color reminded me of marble, which then made me think of Edward’s marbled arms holding and cradling me like a baby. He does that sometime because we have this weird father-daughter, abusive boyfriend-humiliated girlfriend kind of relationship. I was knocked out of my reverie by a shining white light in the sky.

“Edward, what’s that?” I asked him, marveling at his beautiful mouth and eyes and hair and ears and nose and teeth and eyelashes. I then tripped over a peddle and Edward caught me in his cold, marbled arms.

“I’m not sure. I like how you smell,” he said.

Just then Alice and the rest of the family came running into the clearing.

“It’s a nuclear bomb!” Alice screamed.

There was a terrible explosion and everyone died.

Book 4: Breaking dawn

……. (go watch Buffy)

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19 comments

  1. I want to just put it out there that I’m a fan of most popular series. Loved the Harry Potter books. I was one of those dupes who waited in lines during midnight madness. I tore through Girl With A Dragon Tattoo series like my life depended on it. I loved most of the Hunger Games series. BUT I could not read Twilight. My husband got the first book (for me, really). I read half of it. I was shocked that the book was so popular! The writing was horrible and the Bella was a snooze fest. Actually, I was more than shocked that it was popular. I thought it was some sort of conspiracy or people had been glamoured and manipulated to like it. Because, honestly, even a group of five people sincerely enjoying those books did not seem plausible. So, I am *so happy* to find someone who shares my disdain! Hilarious summary!
    P.S. I miss Buffy…

    1. It is a bit of a mystery. The books really are so poorly written, lazily plotted and dull. It was good to stop at Twilight because it just got worse. . . and weird, so weird. Like there’s this thing where one of the teenage werewolves “imprints” on a 3-year-old girl, and it means that they’re soulmates, and then Jacob imprints on Bella’s fetus and. . . yeah, just yuck. And Bella and Edward’s relationship reminded me of the warning signs one would read in a pamphlet on how to recognize if you’re in a abusive relationship. I would get incensed when people would compare Stephanie Meyer to J.K. Rowling because seriously?

  2. A friend convinced me to read them. She was otherwise, you know, not stupid, so I kept reading them. I figured they must get better. I figured wrong. Also, what is hot about cold, hard marble????

  3. I had to laugh so hard … Great summary!!! It is definititely such a shame you never read the fourth book, I would have LOVED to read that. 😀

    Though I have to confess – I kind of liked the first book, and dutifully have read all of them.
    But it’s true – the third and fourth part are *bah*

  4. Thanks for summarizing, so I don’t have to read them or watch the movies. I had to hear part of the first book in a friends car and had to hold on not to say “Eww” every few minutes or laugh at the plot (Vampires playing crazy baseball, lol), so as I might not be thrown out of the car, who was really passionate about the story.

    1. My friend, not the car, was passionate about twilight. lol That wouldn’t have been unlikely in this book though. A vampire loving car.

  5. I can’t explain how hard I am laughing right now, there are tears does that help with the description? I particularly like the nuclear bomb! I do have a soft spot for these books though as they inspired me to start writing, there was only one thing I was thinking when I finished reading them ‘Damn, I could write something better than that!’

  6. I had to forward this to my daughter. She read all three books and went to the premiers, but also has a degree in English and admitted to my that SM can’t write for sh#t. I read about ten pages and wanted to use it as a door stop, but the door refused.

  7. You are hilarious. My favorite part was the nuclear explosion, of course! I linked to you in my blog. I have a brief recrap illustrated by my 12 year old, who was too smart to read these books. I just wonder what we will all do when you’re finished with 50 shades. Surely there won’t be anything as . . . I’m stopping now before I dare the karma gods again.

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