Yahoo! Shine

Yahoo! Shit

Because I am a lady living a lady’s lifestyle with my lady brain, I read Yahoo! Shine religiously.*

For the uninitiated, Yahoo Shine is an especially shiny part of Yahoo that shines the light on the stuff that womenfolk care about like fat cells and man-trapping.

Before I began reading, I thought the key to trapping a man was stuffing him in the folds of my fat, but Yahoo! Shine pointed me in the right direction.

mantrap

In the Yahoo! Shine world, life is like an episode of According to Jim combined with a Cathy comic strip. It’s that good.**

For instance did you know that there are seven questions every guy wishes you’d ask him? Seriously. Every fucking guy in the whole world, and that includes the Ayatollah Khomeini, Ryan Seacrest and Hitler’s corpse. So do the guys a favor, ladies, and ask them these questions today.

1. Question 1

The first one has to do with our weight because that is a complex that is ingrained in   every gal’s DNA. I distinctly remember at three months telling my mom to cool it on the formula because I was getting a serious case of thunder thighs.

babyfat

Now gals instead of asking “Societal expectations of women’s bodies were created by a fucking crazy person so therefore I’m asking this question because this has been beaten into my head with a claw hammer, and that’s why I’m planking by the dinner table rather than eating so to make a long story short….do I look fat?” you should ask “Sweetie, what do I look best in?” This is obviously your guy’s decision because you need to concentrate on reducing your vaginal fat.

2. Oh my god fellas, don’t them ladies like to yammer after you’ve done stuck your Excalibur in them? Just talk talk talk talk talk…wouldn’t it be great if they would just act like the objects they are and shut the fuck up? So basically the question EVERY guy, including Papa Smurf, wants to hear is “Do you mind if we just lie here and not talk?”

sexytimes

3. Every guy loves sports. Every goddamn one. If your guy doesn’t than he must immediately turn in his guy card and become a woman or a shrub, it’s his pick because the third question every guy–and I mean every guy even Bashar al-Assad–wants to hear is “I have some tickets to some sporting event where guys bash into one another so hard they get concussions that later lead to lasting brain damage, do you want to go?”

sportsman

4. Ladies, for god’s sakes, I hope you are not even thinking about expressing your interests because that is about as enticing as genital freezer burn. The menfolk and I mean every manfolk including the Dalai Lama wants you to ask “Oooh I’m into only your shit and because you’re a guy it’s either a movie with explosions or a movie with boobs or a movie with exploding boobs so do you want to see that Katy Perry documentary?”

dalailama

7. I think we’re at question 7 because I am female after all and do not know math. So this one has all to do with the one with the vagina leaving with all the rugrats that came out of said vagina and the man free to do his man things in his man cave like measure his penis and discover fire. The question is something like “Hey can I pack up the kids and leave and you can reenact some Fatal Attraction fantasy only without the boiled rabbit?”

fatalattraction

Knowledge!

*This is only true when I’m participating in NaBloWriMo and run out of things to write about after day 2.

**At this point, after writing for seven consecutive days in a row, I no longer know what words mean. “Good” means “shit sandwich”, right?

Even though she knows this is a turn-off, Speaker7 wants to know if she looks fat while writing this post. Speaker7 is writing daily during this month as part of the Nano Poblano team.

The Dalai Lama of Douchery

I look fat.

Shit! I just turned off all the guys who were reading this. Did I learn nothing from Josh Aiello’s seminal article “3 Words He Never Wants To Hear You Say?”

Josh decided to share his infinite wisdom about lady diarrhea-mouth with Yahoo!Shine, a women’s site about all things ladies like lipstick, turkey basters and weak upper arms. Yahoo!Shine was created by mixing three parts Mountain Dew, two parts Massengill and five parts bottomless sadness.

According to Josh, a woman’s…oh excuse me…a girl’s lament about her bulk is the equivalent of a dude cutting off someone’s head times 10. Let him explain:

“To guys, these words are the Holy Grail of annoying things girls say, the abracada bra of instantaneous mood killers. . .”

That is some good analogying. It’s like the King Turd of nonsensical analogies.

I envision Josh looks like this:

douche

Now you may be thinking, how does Josh know these are the three worst words a woman can say? Wouldn’t  “I love Hitler” or “Equal pay now” or “I hate your writing” (I know that’s four, but my brain is fat) be worse?

Josh did some scientific analysis of this phenomenon by interviewing his wolf pack at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Adam, or A-dawg as I like to call him, says it’s like a downer because if she’s talking, she’s unable to continue the blowjob. “She’s either fishing for compliments, she doesn’t like herself, or she actually has gained weight. . .”

Total boner killer

I mean, jesus christ, girls, you with your body issues, which are in no way the fault of a culture and media that value women for their looks and boobies. You are almost distracting me from reading the latest Us Weekly on whose body is definitely not beach-ready.

Adam is this brah by the way:

adawg

And the guy is helpless because once you say it, all he can see is your fat mouth spitting out fat words in between crumbs of Entenmann’s. Let Josh set the scene:

 I once dated a really pretty girl who was convinced she was overweight. She told me she thought she was fat so often that when my parents came to visit, I didn’t introduce her to them. Why? Because I doubted whether what I saw when I looked at her was what other, more objective people saw.

Wow. Such a powerful story and what an amazing act of courage. It reminds me of the story of Harriet Tubman when she finally decided to make her escape from slavery. Harriet knew it was only a matter of time she would be sold away from her family and husband John. She tried to get John to go with her. “I won’t go with you Harriet,” he said bravely. “You look really fat right now.” Courage.

So what’s a lassie to do?

douchewisdomProgress.

Incidentally the three words I would never want to hear from Josh are these:

“I got published.”

 

The Best Advice in 140 Characters or Less

This was supposed to be a post highlighting the Top 10 Top 10 Lists of 2012.

My intent was pure. I discovered the Top 10 Ways to Squander Your Life. Click here.

I went on Yahoo Shine, the lady blog about lady stuff, and found articles about the Top 10 Ways to To Turn Your Belly Fat into Booby Fat.

I went on Glamour’s website and found this weird picture tied to some new year resolution article:

creepymeeting

But then I went to Cosmo’s website and landed on this gem:

25 Ways to Turn on a Man

and I hit the brakes in my quest.

I am always interested in this topic. I tend to get wrapped up in stupid shit like career goals and personal fulfillment and then it dawns on me–I am not turning any man on right now.

I realize the more I focus on other things beside man on-turnage, the less I remember how to do it.

Do men like a woman who can play spoons coated with mashed potatoes? Maybe.

Are men turned on by razor burn? I hope so

Do men like a muffin top covered in muffin crumbs? Probably not.

But here, Cosmo has provided me with knowledge from the men themselves.

Apparently Cosmo asked men to tweet what turns them on. These man tweeters had only 140 characters to use so I figured their turn-on advice would be succinct and easily digestible kind of like a spam lollipop.

KydDaze digs “That ‘early in the morning’ or ‘tired at night’ phone voice.”

So basically men like phelgm and slurring. Duly noted. Tonight, my husband better watch out after I down a dosage of hydrocodone. I might even show him the phelgm covering my tonsil scabs. Bam chicka bam bam.

It floats Nogood_W4rd’s boat “If you can spin around while you ride it.”

So men like a lady who resembles a whirligig and is really short. She would have to be, right? Or else isn’t he getting kicked in the face? Or what I mean to say is “hot.”

PoloMaskot gets woodage from “Good credit.”

How does that work exactly? You go online to freecreditreport.com, wait six weeks to get your credit rating and then it’s let’s get this party started. Woop woop.

MC_3, aka Christian Grey, likes “When a girl bites her lip while looking into your eyes.”

MC_3, I have the perfect woman for you.

Jrel_24NGM prefers “Women who wear boy shorts all the time.”

Really? Even to funerals? What about when she’s whirlygigging around your peen while biting her credit score report?

Hmmm. That seems…stupid sexy.

Doin’ It

Alright so I’m lightening things up a little with today’s post.

The last few days have been a little political, and sure, I lost some followers, but whatevs. I’m not even counting or noticing that it was three. Fare thee well former readers, I have nothing but contempt good feelings for you.

For those who stuck it out, you are in for a treat! I went over to the lady section on Yahoo! to learn about lady issues like tampon-string irritation, and I returned with ways to rev up my down-there engine.

C’mon ladies, let’s face it. After a long day of choosing Jif® over Skippy®, the last thing your woman brain can handle is thinking about sexy times. I mean, who’s going to unload the dishwasher?

But follow these surefire tips from Yahoo! Shine! and you will sure fire up that grill that has been lying dormant and charcoal-free in your pants.

1. Eat Sexy-Enhancing Foods

Scarf down some bananas and peanut butter because your hoo-hah apparently has the same appetite as Elvis Presley. Do not be surprised if your ladybits began to crave white polyester jumpsuits.

2. You Go Grrrllkjl;ajk

Ignore everything woman-centric websites/magazines tell you that you should hate about your appearance and just accept yourself, grrlllrllll! You are so beautiful or you could be if you followed our Green Juice/Coconut Water Ab-Blaster Diet®. You deserve to bump your non-size-0 love muffin against the mighty peen even though you could follow our 10 steps to a Thinner Vagina Shake Program® and shed those unwanted vaginal pounds. Better yet, cut back on those peanutbutter-banana sandwiches. What are you, Elvis Presley?

3. Shake Weights® 

Exercise gets the endorphins flowing, and for some reason men like to see women doing this:

4. Brain Stimulation

Did you know that your brain is more powerful than your elbow? It is! That’s why it makes less sense to rub a peanutbutter banana sandwich against your elbow than it does to read a sexy book with your brain-connected eyes. Ohhh! What sexy book am I going to mention?!? I don’t know…could it be…wait for it…

Fifty Shades of Grey?

Yes, apparently you can read this book and not despair about the downfall of humanity and instead want to clamp your genitals onto an actual genital clamp. The article also mentioned the movie Magic Mike, which I haven’t seen because I don’t like looking at greasy skin.

Anyway, I guess the point is look at or read something that turns you on. For some reason, this is doing it for me:

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the fourth post. Speaker7 is always looking for suggestions for future posts. They should be sexy, however, because she is in a really sexy mood from reading sexy lady tips from Yahoo!.