women

Speaker7 Explains About Dames

Oh for the love of pete! Why are you women so hard to understand? Seriously–like what’s with the shoes and the chocolate and the shoe chocolate and the chocolate shoe and shoes and shoes’ chocolate shoe of chocolate?

It’s enough to make a guy crazy or at least write an incredibly insightful article titled “20 Things Men Will Never Understand” that was recycled from Maxim cologne ads and rejected According to Jim scripts.

I have a vagina. I just checked. I feel I might be able to shed light on these things of 20 that men will never understand.

1. Why you say the opposite of what you mean.

First let me say that this is such a good article. Women are all the same. All the same. From Miley Cyrus to Malala Yousafzai, we are one giant monolithic group that likes to say “I’m fine” when we mean “I want to jab this corkscrew in your frontal lobe”. Why do we do it? So we don’t murder you. And shoes. I like shoes and math is hard.

2. Your fascination with shoes.

Yup. We gals like shiny baubles and laser pointers. All of us. Even women without feet.

3. Why you won’t tell us what’s bothering you.

3rdmystery

This seems like a retread of the first mystery of non-understanding. See the answer to number 1.

4. Why you won’t order your own fries.

Easy. We’re all fat. And we can’t tell you that bothers us because we can’t tell you what is really wrong and I’m fine and shoes.

5. How you’re so good at multitasking.

This is true. I’ve been able to simultaneously roll my eyes and look up how to spell “simultaneously” at the same time.

6. How you’re able to sleep like that.

Obamacare.

7. Why you ask about our exes so much.

Because we’re all Bravo Real Housewives and get into catfights and meow and shoes and mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds.

8. How you expect me to remember all those details.

Because our lives are so very, very small.

9. Why you ask questions when you know you won’t like the answers.

Did you get paid for this? Because I don’t get paid for my writing and if I did, I would probably get less, right?

10-20. Chocolate, communal trips to the bathroom, periods are yucky, drama, other demeaning tropes.

You honestly don’t understand what a period is? Well sometimes when a mommy loves a daddy, a mommy’s lining in her womb will shed if a daddy doesn’t plant a special baby flower in there. The lining along with a copious amount of blood flows out of the mommy’s hee-haw. And presto! Shoes. Shoes and chocolate.

Hoped that help and by the way, I’m totally fine.

 

The Dalai Lama of Douchery

I look fat.

Shit! I just turned off all the guys who were reading this. Did I learn nothing from Josh Aiello’s seminal article “3 Words He Never Wants To Hear You Say?”

Josh decided to share his infinite wisdom about lady diarrhea-mouth with Yahoo!Shine, a women’s site about all things ladies like lipstick, turkey basters and weak upper arms. Yahoo!Shine was created by mixing three parts Mountain Dew, two parts Massengill and five parts bottomless sadness.

According to Josh, a woman’s…oh excuse me…a girl’s lament about her bulk is the equivalent of a dude cutting off someone’s head times 10. Let him explain:

“To guys, these words are the Holy Grail of annoying things girls say, the abracada bra of instantaneous mood killers. . .”

That is some good analogying. It’s like the King Turd of nonsensical analogies.

I envision Josh looks like this:

douche

Now you may be thinking, how does Josh know these are the three worst words a woman can say? Wouldn’t  “I love Hitler” or “Equal pay now” or “I hate your writing” (I know that’s four, but my brain is fat) be worse?

Josh did some scientific analysis of this phenomenon by interviewing his wolf pack at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Adam, or A-dawg as I like to call him, says it’s like a downer because if she’s talking, she’s unable to continue the blowjob. “She’s either fishing for compliments, she doesn’t like herself, or she actually has gained weight. . .”

Total boner killer

I mean, jesus christ, girls, you with your body issues, which are in no way the fault of a culture and media that value women for their looks and boobies. You are almost distracting me from reading the latest Us Weekly on whose body is definitely not beach-ready.

Adam is this brah by the way:

adawg

And the guy is helpless because once you say it, all he can see is your fat mouth spitting out fat words in between crumbs of Entenmann’s. Let Josh set the scene:

 I once dated a really pretty girl who was convinced she was overweight. She told me she thought she was fat so often that when my parents came to visit, I didn’t introduce her to them. Why? Because I doubted whether what I saw when I looked at her was what other, more objective people saw.

Wow. Such a powerful story and what an amazing act of courage. It reminds me of the story of Harriet Tubman when she finally decided to make her escape from slavery. Harriet knew it was only a matter of time she would be sold away from her family and husband John. She tried to get John to go with her. “I won’t go with you Harriet,” he said bravely. “You look really fat right now.” Courage.

So what’s a lassie to do?

douchewisdomProgress.

Incidentally the three words I would never want to hear from Josh are these:

“I got published.”

 

Mentos, the Porn Maker

I was looking at Redbook magazine, trying to find ways to juggle my career and my belly fat, when I came across this ad:

Hm. What exactly is happening here? Is the hand, the hand of God? If so, nice manicure, and what happened to the “fresh and full of life” Mentos ads? I remember less breasts.

See the Mentos ads of my youth were like this: the heroine breaks a heel, pops a Mentos, and decides to break the other heel while a dazzled Mitt Romney-type gestures emphatically.

You know, something dorky like this.

This new ad campaign is something else:

I feel kind of squicky looking at it. I know women are sex objects. I realize that is our only purpose–oh and to work flexible hours so we can be home on time to make dinner–but I thought gum was just gum. Do we need a women’s bare breast or butt to say “chew on this?”

This new ad campaign is the equivalent of finding out Bert and Ernie engage in a sado-masochistic relationship.

“You will submit to rubber duckie.”

See I feel weird that I’m suppose to be thinking sexy time when it comes to gum. I just want something to cover up the hummus I had for lunch. I don’t want to feel like I should be masturbating. Is this what the future holds?

Actually that last one kinda works for me.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the ninth post. She appreciates any and all suggestions unless you recommend she make out with Hugo, the man of 1,000 faces. He scares her, and is currently hiding in her closet. 

Where My Ladies At?

Hi Women!

Whas up, yo?

Sorry I began so awkwardly. It’s because I feel nervous.

I feel nervous because some of you are Republicans or people who think voting for Mitt Romney is a good idea. I fear you will drop me like Michael Jackson almost dropped Blanket from that hotel balcony or post something in the comments that will make me feel squicky.

I get it. I do, I honestly do. You like something that he stands for. I can’t imagine what that is, but I’m sure it’s something with economics or smaller government.

But here’s the rub: the way Republicans have been talking about women and acting about women is just fucking wrong. There’s no getting past it.

You may be thinking, but Mitt loves his wife, how can Speaker7 say Mitt is anti-women? And I would say if you are Ann Romney, by all means vote for Mitt because he seriously digs you. But if you’re somebody who relies on Planned Parenthood for your health care, believes you should be able to procure birth control easily and affordably, and be treated fairly in the workplace, then the Republican train ain’t the one to be on.

Here’s just a few examples of Republican exceptionalism:

  • advocacy of a no-exceptions abortion ban, according to the GOP platform
  • opposition to the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009
  • mandated transvaginal ultrasounds
  • promotion of the Blunt Amendment that would have allowed any employer to deny covering birth control on moral grounds
  • discussion of rape distinctions–I’ll handle that later; it needs its own paragraph

I’m voting for Obama. There are things Obama stands for that I don’t like. I don’t like the Race for the Top education policy that basically continues the shittiness of No Child Left Behind. I don’t like the administration’s support of hydrofracking. But I overlook these things because otherwise I would never be able to vote for anyone ever.

But if I felt for a second that Obama thought women were less than, I would be out the door. Like if he continued to support a candidate who had the gall to say something like rape was a gift from God? I’d be thanks, but no thanks, fella.

I know women are not a uniform, monolithic voting bloc. I know we aren’t all on our periods at the same time and eagerly awaiting the latest sale of chocolate-dipped shoes. We have our own issues, concerns, and life experiences that shape the decisions we make at the ballot box. But cheezits cripes, we should band together when it comes to a political party advocating for policies that state our lives are worth less.

I get the distinct impression that Republicans–at least the ones in power and talking–don’t really like us all that much. I mean, they like us if we’re getting coffee or giving blow jobs, but otherwise? Not so much.

I mean how else can you explain those comments about rape? I can’t for the life of me understand why this is an issue that merits any discussion beyond “rape is a crime.” Now it’s been turned into something that can be categorized like forcible or legitimate or something that is so easy to do to some women. And it’s Republicans who are saying these things.

So I think it’s time we said “enough.” I think it’s time we put a stop to the nonsense and demand to be treated like thinking human beings because we are. And we’re the majority.

If you can’t vote for Obama, that’s okay. Write in something like “Vagina Queen” or “Speaker7.” I frankly think it’s time we started our own party and gave men a taste of the shit they’ve been shoveling in our direction since the beginning of time.

Here is the Speaker7 Party slogan: “Ball-Scratchers Beware.”

But enough with electing these shitballs to positions of power. Sure maybe they talk a good game about creating jobs and reducing the deficit, but they really seem to be about creating crazy legislation and reducing our opportunities and access to health care.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the second post. She loves you very much. Even if you’re seething right now because you don’t like her positions, it doesn’t change the fact that she thinks you are wonderful.  She is looking for things to write about in the longest November since November existed. Please leave suggestions in the comments. The non-squicky type, please. 

Here Comes the Skeleton

It seems some women are a little obsessed with their wedding days.

Like this woman:

courtesy of the New York Times

She’s having a feeding tube inserted into her nose to maintain an 800-calorie-a-day diet. And she’s having a New York Times photographer take her picture while the procedure is being done signifying that she does not see this as batshit crazy.

Nosetube bride is not alone in her determination to drop weight before the wedding day. Other women use pills, colon cleanses, hormone injections or have their heads encased in cement to slim down so they can fit comfortably onto a gurney when they inevitably collapse into a coma on the dance floor.

Now normally I would be all like Girl please. Okay I would not be like that because I can’t pull it off. I sound way too awkward even when reading it silently in my head. I would be more like This is a bit extreme. Can’t you just buy a dress that already fits you? And then eat the food you likely spent a fortune on and just enjoy the goddamn day because it is just one day and your guests are going to be too drunk to give two squirts about the size of your butt? But I may soon be unemployed so instead I’m looking at this as a business opportunity.

And this leads me to my latest business venture:

Speaker7′s Guide to Pre-Wedding Shedding®

Attention brides!

Is this you?

Have you bought the perfect dress only it’s just a few sizes too small? Have you planned to slim down to a size you’ve never been solely to feel dizzy and irritable on the perfect of all perfect days?

Follow this guide and you will fit into this:

Actual size. Ken groom not included.

The great thing is this Pre-Wedding Shedding Program is not a one-size fits all, but is a one-size fits all program or isn’t! It’s that simple or difficult! Just choose the option that best fits your desire to emaciate yourself! All options just three low, low, low monthly payments of $19.99.

Option 1. Pre-Wedding Shedding Dietpalooza

Food is the scourge of the earth, amirite ladies. Yes, it may be necessary to sustain life (as far as I’m concerned the science is still out), but it also contains calories, which when consumed in large amounts leads to weight gain (source: my scale). The key is to eat less calories than you burn. Follow this simple diet plan and watch the pounds drop off:

Breakfast – water sandwich. Take a glass of water, put two slices of bread around it and drink. Repeat for lunch and dinner every day until the most perfect day of the most perfect month in the most perfect year.

Alternative option – We bury you up to your head in a sandbox, and give a group of toddlers the task of feeding you. Toddlers are notably unreliable and do not have the greatest fine motor skills so you will only ingest two or three cheerios a day. Cost: an additional $1,000 for sand cleanage.

2. Food-Aversion Slip ‘n Slide Therapy Ride

So maybe you’re one of these people who believes people should eat. Fair enough, but something needs to be done to tear your hand out of the bag of deep-fried Twinkie Ho-hos and into a glass of water infused with celery string. In our Food-Aversion Slip n’ Slide Therapy Ride, we take a page from Stanley Kubrik’s Clockwork Orange and show you gruesome images alongside pictures of your favorite foods.

Here is a sample:

All of the images feature Dr. Phil and Madame Puppet in various erotic poses.

Option 3: Pre-Death Organ Donationporium

Organs are great–don’t get me wrong–but they take up so much dern room, and some of them we don’t even need. Think of all the weight you would lose if we removed your stomach and replaced it with the plastic breadbasket from the Operation board game! Buzzer optional.

Option 4: Movies Come to Life But Not the Ones You Wish Would Come To Life Fun-funhoopla

Many packages to choose from. Our most popular include:

  • Silence of the Lambs underground dungeon theme complete with lotion basket
  • Hunger Games wilderness survival theme complete with group of career tributes bent on your destruction.
  • Saws 1 – 3,345 torture chamber theme; limb removal optional
  • Trapped in the Closet chapters 1 – 700 literally trapped in a closet theme while forced to listen to the Trapped in the Closet soundtrack. Disclaimer: we are not responsible for any descents into madness.

Order now!

I Take My Burka in an Extra Large.

Do things seem weird?

A little, right?

They do. They do seem weird because they are. I started my Turd of the Week™ segment as a lark, not expecting that elected officials would get so weird about women. But weird about women they have become (almost as weird as the grammar in that sentence).

I am not a fan of either political party. Politicians make me itch like a scorching case of chlamydia. Thankfully I can get some antibiotics from my local Planned Parenthood…oh, that’s right, I can’t. It’s on fire.

See, I say I despise both parties (and I do, believe me), but the Republicans have really been extra Taliban these last few months so this post is mainly about them because frankly, they are awful. Almost as awful as an adult woman wanting to use birth control to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Those goddamn sluts.

I keep having to remind myself that it is 2012. It is, yes? The pill has been around for awhile. Right? It’s good to prevent unwanted pregnancy. (?) Is it? Yes. Yes? Help.

Then what’s with all these weird laws that are trying to be passed under the guise of “religious freedom?” From my limited understanding of our country, the founding fathers were like: “Dudes, religion fucks shit up so let’s make that shit separate from this other stuff, yo.” And John Hancock was like “I’m gonna sign my name all big and shit and people will be like, respeck.” And Alexander Hamilton was like “Whaa?? I can’t run for president? Boo. Oh great, I’ve just been mortally wounded in a duel. That sucks.” And Benjamin Franklin was like “I’m gonna have all kinds of sex, and fly a kite in a thunderstorm and that will be money…so money, I will appear on money.”

Fast-forward to now, and people are wearing tri-corner hats and holding misspelled signs demanding the government get rid of the few safeguards still in place, but also demanding the government take a weird interest in the sex life of women.

Proof:

My mom, who was told she could not become a doctor because of her ovaries (same reason her rightful spot of valedictorian was given to a dude), says it’s about time young women had a taste of the bullshit of the past.  I’m paraphrasing. But her point is that things were really dark for women and for awhile things were better, so much better that young women were like “I would never call myself a feminist because that means I have a mustache. And I don’t. I wax. I’m now going to take my top off for Girls Gone Wild because I can get a trucker hat.” But now things are dark again.

So dark that some elected dude in Wisconsin is like “bitch needs to stay married regardless.” According to this obvious Turd of the Week™ (another early winner, my heart can’t take much more of this), single parenthood–meaning the mommy type–is child abuse so even if your husband is beating you about the face with a bag of doorknobs, please try to “re-find those reasons and get back to why (you) got married in the first place.”

Right.

And the Senate Republicans are trying to block the expansion of the Violence Against Women Act because it would be expanded to include same sex couples and immigrants. Basically if you get the shit kicked out of you, it should be done on your home turf (okay, immigrants?) and by a dude (okay, lesbians?).

My question is this: Can we enact legislation to protect ourselves from these turds other people elected into office?

I don’t know.

But jiminy crickets, ladies, it’s time to set aside the trucker hats and at least not vote more of these loathsome turdpiles into office, right?

Or else the burka ain’t far behind.

A Turdendum

I held Darrell Issa’s hand the first time he got his period. He was worried.

“Am I going to die?” he asked through his tears. “I feel like I’m dying. The blood. The pain.”

“You’re not dying, you’re becoming a woman,” I answered.

“What does that mean?” he asked earnestly.

“Well, it means that you are able to have children of your own,” I said, wrapping an afghan around his shoulders and handing him a mug of chamomile tea to help ease the cramps. “Someday, you’ll fall in love, get married and then chair a government oversight committee that will try to deny basic health care to women under the guise that it is infringing on the religious beliefs of others.”

I was just kidding when I told him that so many years ago, but then this week, I realized Darrell took what I said to heart.

The fretful preteen who danced to Like a Virgin in my living room, banged a gavel and said the health care provision of mandating contraceptive coverage for women was akin to kicking God in the nuts (I’m paraphrasing).

“Women should be forced to have as many children until their uteruses or is it uteri? resemble beaten-up change purses made out of cheesecloth. And then they are put to sleep. It’s nature and religion. It’s naturally religious,” Darrell solemnly said.

Although I was appalled, I was happy that Darrell at least brought in male religious leaders who are the leading experts in women’s health to testify before his committee. Those with uteri were told to stay out of it. The experts said things like:

“Women–boo!!”

And:

“Obama–boo!!”

And:

“Jesus–yay!”

When asked about their comments, Jesus stated “I don’t know these guys, man.”

There is so much I don’t understand.

First, why did God kill Onan when Onan spilled his seed on the ground rather than in his brother’s wife (Genesis 38:9)?

Second, why is a woman unclean for seven days after giving birth to a male and unclean for two weeks after giving birth to a female (Leviticus)?

And lastly, why did I jump the gun on handing out my Turd of the Week™?  Please accept this turdendum.

And God said to the turds: "Be fruitful and increase in number."