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The Best Advice in 140 Characters or Less

This was supposed to be a post highlighting the Top 10 Top 10 Lists of 2012.

My intent was pure. I discovered the Top 10 Ways to Squander Your Life. Click here.

I went on Yahoo Shine, the lady blog about lady stuff, and found articles about the Top 10 Ways to To Turn Your Belly Fat into Booby Fat.

I went on Glamour’s website and found this weird picture tied to some new year resolution article:

creepymeeting

But then I went to Cosmo’s website and landed on this gem:

25 Ways to Turn on a Man

and I hit the brakes in my quest.

I am always interested in this topic. I tend to get wrapped up in stupid shit like career goals and personal fulfillment and then it dawns on me–I am not turning any man on right now.

I realize the more I focus on other things beside man on-turnage, the less I remember how to do it.

Do men like a woman who can play spoons coated with mashed potatoes? Maybe.

Are men turned on by razor burn? I hope so

Do men like a muffin top covered in muffin crumbs? Probably not.

But here, Cosmo has provided me with knowledge from the men themselves.

Apparently Cosmo asked men to tweet what turns them on. These man tweeters had only 140 characters to use so I figured their turn-on advice would be succinct and easily digestible kind of like a spam lollipop.

KydDaze digs “That ‘early in the morning’ or ‘tired at night’ phone voice.”

So basically men like phelgm and slurring. Duly noted. Tonight, my husband better watch out after I down a dosage of hydrocodone. I might even show him the phelgm covering my tonsil scabs. Bam chicka bam bam.

It floats Nogood_W4rd’s boat “If you can spin around while you ride it.”

So men like a lady who resembles a whirligig and is really short. She would have to be, right? Or else isn’t he getting kicked in the face? Or what I mean to say is “hot.”

PoloMaskot gets woodage from “Good credit.”

How does that work exactly? You go online to freecreditreport.com, wait six weeks to get your credit rating and then it’s let’s get this party started. Woop woop.

MC_3, aka Christian Grey, likes “When a girl bites her lip while looking into your eyes.”

MC_3, I have the perfect woman for you.

Jrel_24NGM prefers “Women who wear boy shorts all the time.”

Really? Even to funerals? What about when she’s whirlygigging around your peen while biting her credit score report?

Hmmm. That seems…stupid sexy.

Top 10 Films of 2012

In case you were unaware, 2012 will end in a few days.

This means you will see a flurry of articles that try to distinguish the cream from the curd of 2012. I received an email from Twitter alerting me to the top tweets of 2012, and I actually took moments from my life to look at it.

FYI – this was the top tweet:

donaldtrump

I wanted to add to the noise with my own 2012 wrap up, starting with the top 10 movies of the year*.

*Full disclosure: I have only seen three movies this year, and two of them were made in 2011. Ever since the baby, I have had trouble making the kind of time commitment a movie demands. The most I can give is an hour, and wine needs to be involved.

1. The Hunger Games

hungergames

I actually saw this in the movie theater, and it was made this year so obviously it makes the list. I wanted to see this because I enjoyed the novels. It was okay. I actually felt bored when Katniss was in the arena, and hearing the young audience laugh when people were slaughtered made me feel all squicky.

2. Friends with Kids

friends_with_kids_new_poster

This made the list because I saw it in 2012. It was made in 2011. And it sucked. It starred people I like, but it sucked a giant suckball. All the characters were loathsome. This should have been better and it made me angry that I wasted time that could have been spent watching an Original Lifetime Movie.

3. Cabin in the Woods

cabininthewoods

My husband had to actually remind me that we saw this. It was made in 2011. I think it was good even though I don’t remember it. But Joss Whedon, folks. Joss Whedon. I’m in the midst of rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, seasons 1-7.

4. Drew Peterson–Untouchable

drewpeterson

I understand this a Lifetime movie, but it makes my list because I saw it, and it had this:

untouchable12

That is Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson doing a strip tease before his arresting officers. And then the movie just ends. He’s twirling around singing a little va-va-vavoom ditty and boom, closing credits. That is genius.

5. Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Show

realhousewives

This is not a movie, but let me tell you, I was riveted and could have watched these “ladies” for hours. They would call each other fu-bleep cu-bleep and then embrace and cuddle and then go back to “you fu-bleep cu-bleep.” I would not recommend the show itself, but the reunion show was houswivatastic.

6-10. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter red carpet Commercial

butternot

This is not a movie, but it is the heartwarming tale of a tub of solidifed vegetable oil that finally makes it to the big time. The paparazzi is demanding it turn itself around to see the label, and when it does, the paparazzi becomes en masse “a believer.” I know this sounds somewhat artsy, but give this is a shot.

Next up: Top 10 top 10 lists.

Oh Snap! I Gave Myself Hernia Laughing at This Post

You know reading the New York Times takes up time I could be spending on raising money for widowed orphans.

But that is the price I pay to be informed and what I became informed about today is the phenomenon of the humblebrag. Apparently people get on the twit network to broadcast their awesomeness by trying not to sound too, too awesome.

That is awesome.

It is something I want to learn to do because I want people to revel in my awesomeness, but not think I’m a self-absorbed dickhead.

Luckily there are several examples gathered by writer Harris Whittels on his Twitter feed.  I will present the original tweet and my practice run at the humblebrag. I only spent, like, 30 seconds on this so, you know, it might not be any good. It’s hard to work on humblebrags when so much of your emotional energy is spent thinking about endangered stink beetles #savethestink.

A pretty awesome humblebrag is the one where you point out how beautiful you are by tweeting “can you believe people think I’m beautiful? I’m wearing a raincoat for god’s sake!”

Like so:

toopretty

So, so crazy, right? Like, do these men have their eyes in backwards?

Here’s mine:

brucevilanch

In a similar vein is the “It’s really difficult to be skinny” humblebrag:

toothin

Seriously, when will that happen? I know Bethenny Frankel’s gravatar is her cover photo from Health magazine, but when will the media appreciate her for being famous for no reason?

Here’s my take:

nosehairs

Another popular humblebrag is the one where you point out your hanging with the popular kids in high school.

kidrock

Aw, Lance…from doing dope to hanging out with a dope. When will the hurtin’ end?

turd

Then there’s the humblebrag where you marvel at your life while name-dropping the shit out of something.

anglee

Oh wow. Do you work as a limo driver or something? Because that shit is cool.

nigerianprince

Then there’s the humblebrag where you feign amazement about your work.

wordsmoveme

Was it strange, Ben? I have strange feelings when I read my stuff too:

bowelmovement

Or you feign amazement about your general awesomeness:

flirtmaster

Are you flirting with me right now? It kind of feels like you are. And you are really good at it ;).

alphabetburp

Then there’s the humblebrag where you try to pretend you’re just a regular joe. Stars are just like us, you guys! Calm the fuck down.

flyregularstyle

I would totally be freaked out too if I had any idea who you are. It’s so weird when the nonspecials get so amazed by the specials, amirite?

metamucil

I think I might have the hang of this. Or maybe not.

It’s hard to get the hang of something new when you spend so much time bringing such happiness to the wordpress community.

But that’s just me, I’m selfless like that.

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If you liked this, and are looking to move your bowels, check out this post:

Forever Immobolized in Fleece

Hey Everybody! I’m on Twitter!

Everybody stop tweeting, status-updating and instagramming right now.

I have an important announcement.

Matt Lauer, Today show anchor and sand-dune skier, is on Twitter.

This is big news…almost as big as that video of a hockey mom scolding a referee. Did you see that? Yeah, I didn’t either, but I understand that it is news because it was on the Today show.

I have avoided Twitter much of my adult life. I’ve missed out when Ashton Kutcher tweeted “Cock rhymes with sock” and when Kim Kardashian tweeted “Butt” and when Justin Bieber tweeted “I will be irrelevant in five years” and when a cat tweeted “j;aft;aug”. And I’ll admit, my life has not been as fulfilling as the guy who lets the world know he just pooped out a ham sandwich without the mayo. #greatpoopstories

Justin Bieber, the performer who tweeted “I will be irrelevant in five years”, helped Matt write his first tweet.

Matt asked for Justin’s help because “I want to find out the power of Bieber,” and then wished it wasn’t live television so he could have said something less creepy.

This is what Matt wanted: “Hanging with Justin at the Today show, Concert coming up. Tweet the name of the first song you’re going to do.” And Justin tweeted “Buy Justin’s new record.”

History has been made.

If Matt gets 750,000 followers by Tuesday, one of his underlings will streak or fight a lion in the Roman Colosseum.

Now I’m all about naked lion-fighting, but I’m more about reading Matt’s mindless ramblings so I have also joined Twitter–something I vowed never to do out of principle that I waste enough of my life as it is.

My first tweet was also about buying Jason Bliber’s new album. No, wait it was this:

I then engaged in my usual daily routine, but then I found I could make it more meaningful by letting the world know about it.

Example:

That felt better. Well, after I puked up the sandwich I felt better. #bestvomitinducers

I then struggled with one of my usual dilemmas that normally would go unnoticed. But now through the miracle of 140 characters, I could let the whole world in my little world, kind of like how the sun enters the moon when it becomes night. #topscientifictheories

World peace realized.

Of course, I have no followers so I did all this decision-making and world-peace-realizing by my lonesome. But maybe you guys can follow me, and if I get 12 followers by Tuesday, some lucky follower will be sent a free cat.

How do you follow me on Twitter?

I have no idea.

I think this is my address?

Help me Matt Lauer.

I Just Bought Breast Enlargement Drops

I wish people could know more about me.

I wish there was some way, I could show everyone my very essence. I know I can status update and tell people I used a fork correctly for once on Facebook. I know I can tweet and tell people I blew my nose into a colander on Twitter. And while both things are incredibly fascinating in the way it’s fascinating to read someone was delivered a virtual fortune cookie on Facebook and LOL!!!!!, I feel like all of you are missing out because you are not privy to all the minutiae that makes up a Speaker7-like existence. And in a way, I feel like I miss out on many things that I do because I’m too busy watching TV to notice. Like once I ate a carrot dipped in humus and it tasted okay, but I didn’t really think too much about it, and what did the world lose by that? (Answer: everything)

But holy sh*t! I guess there is a way to share my very essence because now I can share what I buy on Amazon.com with my millions of Facebook and Twitter followers. This is like Christmas, Drinking Straw Day and Mormon Pioneer Day all wrapped together in a smushed package taped together by Mormons using drinking straws.

What a wonderful and glorious time we live in! Before, we would just buy a bunch of crap and let it pile up until the rat swarms arrived and ate us whole. But now! Glory be to somebody, everyone can know what crap everyone buys. This was a discovery I recently came upon when I had to buy some crap to show people how much I love them. Thank god, that’s over because now I don’t have to talk to them again for a full year.

So here I lay it all bare for you. This is my holiday gift, and it’s a doozy because by knowing all there is to know about me means you know more about me.

This is me, in a snapshot of Amazon.com purchases. Let there be peace on earth.

It will soon be safe to come within 50 feet of me.

I bought this for my daughter. My daughter's name is ... um...Daughter...yes that's her name.

The smell will never go away. Even if you try soaking yourself in tomato juice, the stench never dissipates.

An absolute necessity.

And the money will come rolling in. Seriously I need it to pay my Amazon bill.

There are no words.

I wear this when looking at my Twilight ball.

Newt Gingrich is single, right?

The last time I knew, he was in Donald Trump's ass.

I like to shave when watching Where in the World is Matt Lauer.

The local unemployment offices need to start looking at this as an option.

RIP Dear Leader

What a glorious time we live in.

And finally my tangible gift to you.

But Speaker7, you’ve been so generous! How can you possibly give us something else?

Just shut up.

blog disclaimer: this post may cause this ailment. Reader beware.

We’re All With Stupid

Ashton Kutcher is a well-paid moron.

Yup.

This is fact, and therefore makes about as interesting a news story as gravity keeping us from floating all around and people being created 6,000 years ago by Xenu, the dinosaur engram.

Yet there are a bunch of news stories circulating about Ashton Kutcher, aka a well-paid moron, tweeting something moronic on Twitter.

The fact that a well-paid moron, aka Ashton Kutcher, would have only a cursory understanding of one of the most horrifyingly horrible-beyond-horror-in-its-complete-and-utter-wrongness new stories, is not news.

Because he is an idiot. And yet he is now a featured star in this sordid, I-will-never-get-my-eyeballs-clean-from-reading-the-grand-jury-report, mess.

A Google search of “ashton kutcher penn state” returns almost 1 million results whereas the phrase “speaker7 for president” returns nothing. Where is the justice? (Yes, I understand that by writing this, I will be only adding to Ashton’s Google result count, but now at least there might be one result for “speaker7 for president.” And if I became president, I would immediately dissolve three federal agencies: the education department, the commerce department and .  . . um. . . that other one….right, the Twitter department)

Seeing these stories about Ashton Kutcher almost make me mad enough to tip over a news van and chant the name of a football coach who pretty much gave tacit approval to someone in his employ to rape many, many vulnerable, defenseless children. Almost–I would never do something so bewilderingly moronic.

Admittedly I don’t follow Ashton Kutcher on Twitter. I don’t follow anyone on Twitter because I don’t understand it and I waste enough time on the Internet as it is. But I guess Mr. Kutcher will now have some PR firm vetting his tweets as if he was reporting from the Hindu Kush mountain range with the 2nd Ranger Battalion.

Mr. Kutcher feels “responsible to deliver informed opinions” to his 8 million followers.

I wonder how the PR firm will transform such bon mots of misinformation as #Twoandahalfmen the party starts now on the East Coast? Possibly #Twoandahalfman is a party I never want to attend on the East Coast?

We shall see.

Update speaker7.wordpress.com is now being vetted by a PR firm.

Richard Scarry’s Busy, Busy Town

It is with a heavy heart that I make this announcement:

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s probable divorce is something I care very little about.

Speaker7 before hearing the news

Speaker7 after hearing the news

I know I’m suppose to care. I know their split will likely make me question the fragility of my own marriage (actually, probably not). Yet whenever it’s on the news (because it is news, goddammit!), I find myself paging through my son’s copy of Busy, Busy Town by Richard Scarry. Did you know there are all kinds of writers? The best writers write children books in an office in busy, busy town.

The Today show really wants me to care so that makes me really want to try to care because I really, really seek the Today show’s approval. They want me to care so much that they made a little news documentary about the possible divorce all the while ignoring the Occupy Wall Street protest that is happening a few blocks away. Just to be clear, people protesting the way Wall Street ass-raped the entire country in 2008 and continues to do so is not news. Public employees caused the recession with their demands for actual living wages and decent working conditions. We should all go back to the heyday of working in meatpacking factories for 16 hours a day with no safety regulations whatsoever.

Millionaires tweeting inanities is news.

So some Gillette commercial actor pretending to be a news correspondent is telling the Barbie Doll anchor that something is seriously up in the House of Kutcher.  Demi Moore looks even more skeletal. Ashton was out alone partying hours before the couple’s 6th anniversary. “Even People Magazine is questioning the state of their union.” Holy sh*t!!!!!!!!!!! I had no idea it was this serious. People Magazine is questioning!?! That’s like if zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I’m back. What else is happening? I swear I saw this guy using the Gillette Profusion Glide®, but okay he’s a “reporter.” This “reporter” tells us we’re left to read between the tweets. Jesus @#$#*&! Christ. Okay, let’s get it over with.

Demi tweets: blah blah blah

Ashton tweets: Blee blee blee

We will now get to the bottom of this by interviewing two people who make far too much money doing stupid things for a living, Bonnie Fuller and some other person whose name I didn’t catch.

Bonnie says it was surprise that they were even together, but blah blah blah blah.

Barbie anchor asks about the difficulties of May-December romances since Demi is 15 years older. Let’s just point out that this is asked all the time about relationships between older men and younger women like:

  • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – 12 year age difference
  • Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart – 22 years
  • Michael Douglass and Catherine Zeta Jones – 25 years
  • Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn – 35 years
  • Rupert and Wendi Deng Murdoch – 37 years
  • Edward Cullen and Bella Swan – 92 years
  • Papa Smurf and Smurfette – 491 years

Except it’s not.

Other lady says younger men like older women because boringngngngngngnnggngngn. The power relationship has changed. When they met Demi was a Hollywood icon and Ashton was just an average joe making $10,000 an episode for a blah TV show. Today he’s making an obscene amount of money on a truly awful TV show. Growth.

So that’s the whole sordid tale for now. I will keep you posted.

Update: Speaker7 continues to not care about this story.