top 10 lists

Top 10 Turds of 2012

You may be aware, I run a weekly segment titled Turd of the Week™.*

*Full disclosure: This is not weekly. It’s more of a sporadic segment, but I like Turd of the Week™ moreso than Sporadic Turd™ .

You may also be aware that 2012 is quickly coming to a close, and what better way to ring in the new year than honor some truly spectacular shitball behavior.

I combed the extensive archives (not really), and have put together a top 10 list saluting such incredible craptastic turding.

Yes, Donald Trump is on this list–he, in fact, could be the entire list. I’m also recognizing a completely new turd who has tooted some pretty turdtastic statements in the past couple of days.

1. Donald Trump

The Turd

The Turd Donald had quite the year. It seemed every time I turned on the TV, he was surpassing his latest bout of idiocy with some assblasting tomfoolery.

He started off the year making media outlets believe they should broadcast the things that he says. We would get reports the Trump was going to make a big annoucement about the Republican presidental candidates or the fact his hair is made out of hamster bedding, then reports guessing what he would say and finally the actual announcement. All this while real news was occurring.

He jumped on the birther train and rode it straight to Batshit Crazy, USA.

He challenged Pres. Obama to release his college transcripts in exchange for a fake donation to a charity like Trump Steaks Inc.  When Hurricane Sandy overshadowed his giant gaping maw, he got on the news extending the deadline.

And then finally, election night, he tweeted the election was a sham cuz the guy who got the most votes won and that we should revolt. Turd-a-licious.

2. Donald TrumpBill O’Reilly

Bill O'Turdly

Bill is not about Bill, people.  He is never about self-promotion so when he blathered on forever about the media exploitation of Whitney Houston’s death while promoting his latest historical fantasy novel, it was because he cares.

He cares when he says things like: “Whitney Houston wanted to kill herself. Nobody takes drugs for that long if they want to stay on the planet.”

And this after the 2012 election: “It’s not a traditional America anymore, and there are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff. They want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama.”

And never forget: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam. What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.”

Falafel Turdafel.

3. Donald TrumpRush Limbaugh

Rush Turdball

Do I really need to explain this one? I gave Limpball a turd cigar during his whole women-who-use-birth-control-are-sluts phase (1981-present). Remember that fun? Sandra Fluke was a “slut” because she wanted her birth control covered under her insurance plan so it was like “she wants to be paid to have sex.”

Unbelievable, expecially coming from a Missouri Hall of Fame treasure who said this: “When women got the right to vote, is when it all went downhill.”

I vote Big Fat-Headed Turd.

4. Donald TrumpDarrell Issa

issaturdThe former car thief congressman famously summoned an all male-panel to discuss vaginal domination “religious freedom.”

Old pot-bellied men grumbled over how female contraception meant less possibilities for virgin births, and Issa readily shut down any requests for the ladies to speak on a topic that was essentially about women’s health..er…I mean god stuff. Wasn’t there some sewing the ladies could attend to? Those wrinkles aren’t going to iron out themselves.

He issa turd.

5. Donald TrumpRichard Mourdock

richardmurdick

This little beauty resurrected the Turd of the Week™ segment by plopping out this statement: “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

That takes a strong bowel to say God is rape’s cheerleader.

Murdick can share his turd award with that other turdface Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” comment.

So sorry you turds lost your elections.

6. Donald TrumpNewt Gingrich

newty-turd

Giant babyman Newt Gingrich spews many horrible things out of his melon-sized head. I turded him after suffering through his long-winded speech before the Conservative Political Action Conference, but he, like Trump, could be a weekly winner.

Why just a few days ago, he said this gem: “(S)chool administrators should be trained and should have arms that are available under lock and key.” According to Newt, if Dawn Hochsprung–or “that principal” as Newt put it–had been able to kill the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooter first, she would saved a number of lives.

I think I speak for many when I say: Shut the fuck up forever.

7. Donald TrumpTami Fitzgerald

Turdi Fitzgerald

Finally! A woman enters the sewage arena. I gave Tami a nice turd cake topper for her turdish stance against gay marriage. Tami is one of those people who enjoys attributing horrible things to God to get away with saying some horrible homophobic stuff.

According to Tami, God designed marriage, and is directly responsible for that uncomfortable feeling you get when you watch a 12-year-old boy slide a garter up a 45-year-old woman’s leg at a wedding reception. God flips out when people ruin weddings by marrying people they love who happen to share the same set of gentalia because it completely ruins that tradition. Two garter belts! What the fuck are you going to do with that!

8. Donald TrumpGeraldo Rivera

geraldon't

Mario-brother Impersonator Geraldo Rivera is all about keeping it realz, yo. He makes the list for blaming the hoodie on Trayvon Martin’s shooting death, and saying the word “gangsta” in the most grating way possible.

He gets more hair added to his turd’s mustache for saying a “faith-based man” couldn’t possibly have committed the acts of the Sandy Hook shooter.

Whateva gangsturd.

9. Donald TrumpTerry England

Turdy England

Georgia State Rep. Terry England received the turd honor when he compared women to livestock. In a discussion about a bill prohibiting abortion after 20 weeks, England thought it was appropriate to share his experience watching his cows deliver stillborn babies. It was tough on the ol’ birds, but they could do it so why can’t the ladies, amirite fellas?

Salt of the turd, that one.

10. Donald TrumpWayne LaPierre

Wayne-LaTurd

I have not written much about the Sandy Hook school shootings. I am a loss for what to say. I read stories about funerals held for six and seven year olds, and I’m a blubbering mess. I feel this way not just because I’m a parent and a teacher responsible for countless little innocents, but because I’m a person.

That’s why I found Wayne LePierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, particularly turd-worthy. A day after Newtown buried Josephine Grace Gay, 7, the last of the slain children, LePierre was on “Meet the Press” saying the NRA will continue to fight any new measures limiting gun purchases. He continued his crazed vision of elementary schools armed to the teeth as if the way to solve gun violence is to add more guns to the mix.

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,” LePierre insisted.

Okay. You’re crazy, sturd-crazy.

The Best Advice in 140 Characters or Less

This was supposed to be a post highlighting the Top 10 Top 10 Lists of 2012.

My intent was pure. I discovered the Top 10 Ways to Squander Your Life. Click here.

I went on Yahoo Shine, the lady blog about lady stuff, and found articles about the Top 10 Ways to To Turn Your Belly Fat into Booby Fat.

I went on Glamour’s website and found this weird picture tied to some new year resolution article:

creepymeeting

But then I went to Cosmo’s website and landed on this gem:

25 Ways to Turn on a Man

and I hit the brakes in my quest.

I am always interested in this topic. I tend to get wrapped up in stupid shit like career goals and personal fulfillment and then it dawns on me–I am not turning any man on right now.

I realize the more I focus on other things beside man on-turnage, the less I remember how to do it.

Do men like a woman who can play spoons coated with mashed potatoes? Maybe.

Are men turned on by razor burn? I hope so

Do men like a muffin top covered in muffin crumbs? Probably not.

But here, Cosmo has provided me with knowledge from the men themselves.

Apparently Cosmo asked men to tweet what turns them on. These man tweeters had only 140 characters to use so I figured their turn-on advice would be succinct and easily digestible kind of like a spam lollipop.

KydDaze digs “That ‘early in the morning’ or ‘tired at night’ phone voice.”

So basically men like phelgm and slurring. Duly noted. Tonight, my husband better watch out after I down a dosage of hydrocodone. I might even show him the phelgm covering my tonsil scabs. Bam chicka bam bam.

It floats Nogood_W4rd’s boat “If you can spin around while you ride it.”

So men like a lady who resembles a whirligig and is really short. She would have to be, right? Or else isn’t he getting kicked in the face? Or what I mean to say is “hot.”

PoloMaskot gets woodage from “Good credit.”

How does that work exactly? You go online to freecreditreport.com, wait six weeks to get your credit rating and then it’s let’s get this party started. Woop woop.

MC_3, aka Christian Grey, likes “When a girl bites her lip while looking into your eyes.”

MC_3, I have the perfect woman for you.

Jrel_24NGM prefers “Women who wear boy shorts all the time.”

Really? Even to funerals? What about when she’s whirlygigging around your peen while biting her credit score report?

Hmmm. That seems…stupid sexy.

Top 10 Films of 2012

In case you were unaware, 2012 will end in a few days.

This means you will see a flurry of articles that try to distinguish the cream from the curd of 2012. I received an email from Twitter alerting me to the top tweets of 2012, and I actually took moments from my life to look at it.

FYI – this was the top tweet:

donaldtrump

I wanted to add to the noise with my own 2012 wrap up, starting with the top 10 movies of the year*.

*Full disclosure: I have only seen three movies this year, and two of them were made in 2011. Ever since the baby, I have had trouble making the kind of time commitment a movie demands. The most I can give is an hour, and wine needs to be involved.

1. The Hunger Games

hungergames

I actually saw this in the movie theater, and it was made this year so obviously it makes the list. I wanted to see this because I enjoyed the novels. It was okay. I actually felt bored when Katniss was in the arena, and hearing the young audience laugh when people were slaughtered made me feel all squicky.

2. Friends with Kids

friends_with_kids_new_poster

This made the list because I saw it in 2012. It was made in 2011. And it sucked. It starred people I like, but it sucked a giant suckball. All the characters were loathsome. This should have been better and it made me angry that I wasted time that could have been spent watching an Original Lifetime Movie.

3. Cabin in the Woods

cabininthewoods

My husband had to actually remind me that we saw this. It was made in 2011. I think it was good even though I don’t remember it. But Joss Whedon, folks. Joss Whedon. I’m in the midst of rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, seasons 1-7.

4. Drew Peterson–Untouchable

drewpeterson

I understand this a Lifetime movie, but it makes my list because I saw it, and it had this:

untouchable12

That is Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson doing a strip tease before his arresting officers. And then the movie just ends. He’s twirling around singing a little va-va-vavoom ditty and boom, closing credits. That is genius.

5. Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Show

realhousewives

This is not a movie, but let me tell you, I was riveted and could have watched these “ladies” for hours. They would call each other fu-bleep cu-bleep and then embrace and cuddle and then go back to “you fu-bleep cu-bleep.” I would not recommend the show itself, but the reunion show was houswivatastic.

6-10. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter red carpet Commercial

butternot

This is not a movie, but it is the heartwarming tale of a tub of solidifed vegetable oil that finally makes it to the big time. The paparazzi is demanding it turn itself around to see the label, and when it does, the paparazzi becomes en masse “a believer.” I know this sounds somewhat artsy, but give this is a shot.

Next up: Top 10 top 10 lists.

10 Top TV shows

Ah TV, my old friend. We’ve had some good times especially when watching Good Times. I am cheered by your version of reality. I am invigorated by your infomercials. I am empowered by your mute button.

How can I possibly select the top 10 things you considerately displayed to me over the last 11 1/2 months? It seems like a fool’s journey or a….um….well if I watched less TV I could probably come up with another analogy.

Maybe it would be best to go with the 10 top TV shows I did not watch? Yes, let’s do that.

1. Two and a Half Men – This show uncovers the seedy underbelly of life on the vaudeville circuit for two ventriloquists and their life-size man puppet. Things took an ugly twist in the fall of this year, when the puppet veered off the wrong path and decided to head to Pleasure Island where all inhabitants are turned into jackasses. When the ventriloquists set out to rescue the puppet, they return with the wrong jackass, but the younger, dumber jackass is somehow inserted successfully into the show,  and their show is somehow  watched by millions of people.

1. Whitney  – This show pretends to be a comedy, but is really a documentary of a paranoid delusional woman who believes everything she says is funny. Luckily, the male costar is just a figment of her imagination.

1. America’s Got Talent – Yes, yes it does–it’s just not featured on this show. But it could be out there somewhere and that’s what makes the American Dream live on.

1. CSI: Gantts Quarry – This series follows a crack crime scene investigation team based in Gantts Quarry, Ala., which has a population of 0. How is that possible? That’s why it needs a crack crime scene investigation to solve the mystery through DNA thinga-ma-stuff.

1. Kardashian Knightmare Kontinues – This series chronicles the KKK’s rise to power through fear and big asses. Thankfully, their influence appears to be waning.

1. Real Housewives of Gantts Quarry – This chronicles the real-life experiences of five housewives who live in a town of 0 people. It is riveting.

10. Nightly News  – This sitcom sets itself apart by presenting entertainment as actual news. The actors do a phenomenal job of keeping a straight face while reporting the exploits of Lindsey Lohan as something someone should give two shits about. Bravo!