today show

Holiday Etiquette

Recently, the Today show had a really compelling news segment about etiquette at holiday gatherings.

badetiquette

It mainly focused on shoes and what you should do if your host requests you take them off when you enter her house:

footjuice

Is this really a question? I could see an issue if the host asks you to insert a mini catheter into yourself so as not to defile her sparkling bathroom, but shoes in winter? Duh.

I guess it is a legitmate question because Lester Holt and an anchor I’m too lazy to look up stretched this out for nearly six minutes. They even consulted a comedian because….news.

toejamI’ll admit, I likely don’t exhibit the best etiquette. At parties, I’m usually the person standing directly in front of the potato chip bowl, shoveling potato chips into my mouth and growling at others who approach me. And I will stay there until all the chips are gone. Then I will leave and cry in a gutter.

I also don’t know if I drink from the water glass to the right or to the left of the placemat so I usually drink out of both. 

But I do–at least I think I do–have a sense of how not to behave like a fucknut at gatherings that include other human beings. Since the Today show was surprisingly unhelpful, I thought I would take over the news for awhile and provide some etiquette tips of my own.

Speaker7′s Holiday Etiquette Tips

1. Don’t be a dick.

2. Don’t deliever political diatribes especially if you are just meeting someone new. For example, don’t say “Global warming is caused by all those sluts getting abortions. What are your plans for the holidays?” That kind of kills the holiday spirit. (see #1)

3. Don’t go near the potato chip bowl.

4. Don’t go spastic if someone says “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Birth Jesus Day.” There are multiple holidays in this month and multiple belief systems and see #1.

5. Don’t make a face if you don’t like your secret Santa present. Just be thankful someone gave you something and it wasn’t a venereal disease.

6. Wash your hands frequently.

Anyone else have some tips they’d like add?

Speaker7 politely thanks you for visiting her blog and reading her writing. She is a member of Nano Poblano Team during this month of writing daily pfffttttt…..Speaking of pffttttt, Speaker7 is looking for post ideas so if you got ‘em, share ‘em. 

Will You Take It In the Ear With Me?

So a lot of shit has been happening. . . not monumental shits, but those little rabbit pellets that make going number 2 so uncomfortable and unsatisfying.

First off, my son has been sick since Saturday. He is very tired in the morning so I end up rocking him to sleep instead of catching up on my blog reading and posting comments like “Balls!” Today I even watched the Today show, which exposed me to this:

Judging from the first 2 seconds, I think I won’t like it.

Second off, my son has been throwing up onto his sheets. We’re moving so extra sheets are packed away. This is problematic.

Third off, we’re moving! When? Three days after my tonsillectomy surgery.

Fourth off, I’m getting my tonsils out. When? Next Monday. I will pack them in one of the moving boxes.

Fifth off, my gall bladder is rivaling my tonsils for my attention. It has “sludge”– whatever that is–and is basically performing like Britney Spears did at the Video Music Awards in 2007, meaning its slowing down my digestion much like Britney sleepwalked through her performance of a forgettable song. It will likely have to come out. My doctor said I should try to find an ENT with an extra long knife who can take out both my tonsils and gall bladder so I punched him in his gall bladder. I get to be injected with a radioactive dye that might possibly give me superpowers. Or not.

So rabbit-pellet shitballs.

But will this stop me from celebrating Take It In The Ear Day on Saturday?

Fuck no. Even with all the chaos, boxes, vomit, bad hairpieces, sludge and tonsil stones, I have still manage to cobble an assortment of objects I plan to take in my ear.

Here is a small sampling:

  • a green bean
  • Hugo’s finger
  • a corkscrew
  • a waffle iron
  • a pair of stirrup pants
  • John Travolta and Olivia Newton John’s Christmas album

What is Take It In The Ear Day?

Even Hallmark doesn’t know.

takeitinearexplanation

Hallmark’s ignorance has not prevented it from crafting exquisite Take It In The Ear cards.

takeitinearcard

PetSympathyCardMH15514

What will you take in your ear this Saturday?

Well This is Embarrassing. . .

I nearly forgot today was my one-year blogging anniversary or as I like to call it blogginganniversary™. Please don’t tell my blog because it will be pissed.

Oh, I guess it knows now. Sorry baby. Look, I’ll take you out to dinner…any Arby’s you want. And here’s a fistful of dandelions I picked out of the sewer grate. Let me stick one in your hair.

All better.

I knew something was off-kilter. I watched a little Today show today, something I haven’t done in months. I learned Kathie Lee pees in the shower, and it made me actually like her a little.

See, I used to always blog about the Today show, and then a lightbulb went off because the bulb blew and I got a replacement bulb, switched it on and *bing* (or whatever sound an idea lightbulb makes) bloganniversary™.

Why have I been so absentminded?

Well, I’ve been reading and recrapping a horrible book and watching and recrapping a horrible reality television show. I have lost 15% of my brain matter according to a survey I took on an Arby’s placemat. I’ll admit I have not been my 100% percent self. More like my 75% self.

I likely need a refresher on percentages.

I had planned to blog today about the latest episode of Bachelor Pad 3 where the contestants actually create an entirely new STD out of chlamydia, herpes and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But that will have to be for another day. Today is all about you, sweetheart. Or me. Is it us?

Them?

Hello?

When I started this blog, I had high ambition. I planned to change the world. That’s why my first post was on Facebook status updates.

Wait…was that my intention? Oh, right. I was bored. Kind of the same thing.

This past year, I feel like I’ve really grown as a writer. Why just last August, I was recapping episodes of Bachelor Pad 2. And now look at me. . . recapping episodes of Bachelor Pad 3. 

Maturity.

I don’t know what’s in store for this coming year. Bachelor Pad 4?

I cannot wait.

Happy Bloganniversary™ Speaker7! I mean me. Or is it us?

(Un)Musical Chairs

Ann Curry is currying no favor at the Today show. The NBC folks are like “Yeah, let’s order from the Indian restaurant, but for god sakes no curry because it sucks and everyone hates it. Go heavy on the lauer. Yes, I know that’s not a spice. It’s the blandest thing in the universe and I want more of it.”

Oh my god, guys, did you see what I just did there?

I don’t. So if you did, please let me know.

Ann Curry might be curried out of the co-anchor chair any second now. I mean, carried out. Ratings have dropped because Ann Curry does not show the proper level of excitement when learning what’s hot at the beach disco. (Answer: parchment paper medallions)

I’ll admit it. I’m also one of those non watchers.

You’re shocked, yes? One of my categories is the mfing Today show, but I haven’t watched it in months–not because of Ann Curry.

I haven’t watched because…pfffttt.

Or–my son has turned into a little Tasmanian Devil making it difficult to enjoy a “news” segment on serving the perfect watermelon slice because my son is trying to emulate Elmo’s World by yanking the window shade around (P.S. – Screw you, Mr. Noodle and the noodle you rode in on).

Ann Curry is NBC’s $10 Million Mistake blasts TMZ. TMZ follows up with a hard-hitting expose on whether Kris Jenner gave her daughter Kim Kardashian sex tape tips, and my reading that is my $10 mistake.

Ann worries: “Am I not good enough? Am I not what people need? Am I asking the right questions?’ When people say negative things or speculate, you can’t help but feel hurt.”

Ann, I’m sorry, but when you interviewed that dog who barked “I rove you” all Scooby Doo-like, you should have asked “Wait…am I fucking interviewing a dog right now?!?”

So who should take her place?

Many people with an enormous amount of time on their hands say it should be one of those two female anchors who look identical.

Savannah Guthrie

Or Natale Morales

Whoever it is needs to do a much better job transitioning between the fluffier news stories, e.g., the best bronzers for babies, and the hard-hitting stuff, e.g. trying to fry an egg on the sidewalk to show how hot it actually is.

Ann Curry looks too dead-eyed when she does this as if she’s thinking Holy barking dog! I used to cover wars for cripes sake. Okay plaster on the smile as I say this: “Next up on Today, is your grilled cheese sandwich too cheesy or too grilly?” 

Before we all lose our minds in our frenzied speculating, I offer a few more choices for consideration:

1. Staring Dog

This dog was featured on the Today show because he looks at people with an intense gaze and then drops that gaze only to lick his balls. I think this dog would send Matt Lauer over the edge.

2. Speaker7

This is the obvious choice. I know about stuff like the War of 1812 and Kris Jenner’s sex tape tips. This makes me a erudite or eruidope anchor.

3. Walter Conkrite

Wait a second…Mr. Speaker7 just informed me that Walter Conkrite is dead. So who is this? Holy disguise! It’s Hugo, the man of a thousand faces! Well played, Hugo, you creepy, creepy weirdo puppet, you. He would be fantastic. I’m saying this because he has threatened to visit me in my dreams otherwise.

So who do you think should be the next anchor? Remember the state of your watermelon slices depends on it.

Hey Everybody! I’m on Twitter!

Everybody stop tweeting, status-updating and instagramming right now.

I have an important announcement.

Matt Lauer, Today show anchor and sand-dune skier, is on Twitter.

This is big news…almost as big as that video of a hockey mom scolding a referee. Did you see that? Yeah, I didn’t either, but I understand that it is news because it was on the Today show.

I have avoided Twitter much of my adult life. I’ve missed out when Ashton Kutcher tweeted “Cock rhymes with sock” and when Kim Kardashian tweeted “Butt” and when Justin Bieber tweeted “I will be irrelevant in five years” and when a cat tweeted “j;aft;aug”. And I’ll admit, my life has not been as fulfilling as the guy who lets the world know he just pooped out a ham sandwich without the mayo. #greatpoopstories

Justin Bieber, the performer who tweeted “I will be irrelevant in five years”, helped Matt write his first tweet.

Matt asked for Justin’s help because “I want to find out the power of Bieber,” and then wished it wasn’t live television so he could have said something less creepy.

This is what Matt wanted: “Hanging with Justin at the Today show, Concert coming up. Tweet the name of the first song you’re going to do.” And Justin tweeted “Buy Justin’s new record.”

History has been made.

If Matt gets 750,000 followers by Tuesday, one of his underlings will streak or fight a lion in the Roman Colosseum.

Now I’m all about naked lion-fighting, but I’m more about reading Matt’s mindless ramblings so I have also joined Twitter–something I vowed never to do out of principle that I waste enough of my life as it is.

My first tweet was also about buying Jason Bliber’s new album. No, wait it was this:

I then engaged in my usual daily routine, but then I found I could make it more meaningful by letting the world know about it.

Example:

That felt better. Well, after I puked up the sandwich I felt better. #bestvomitinducers

I then struggled with one of my usual dilemmas that normally would go unnoticed. But now through the miracle of 140 characters, I could let the whole world in my little world, kind of like how the sun enters the moon when it becomes night. #topscientifictheories

World peace realized.

Of course, I have no followers so I did all this decision-making and world-peace-realizing by my lonesome. But maybe you guys can follow me, and if I get 12 followers by Tuesday, some lucky follower will be sent a free cat.

How do you follow me on Twitter?

I have no idea.

I think this is my address?

Help me Matt Lauer.

Writer’s Block is *insert word*

Writer’s block is soooooooo. . . um. . . green? No, that’s not it. Chalky? Viscous? No.

Let’s go with pfffffttttttttt.

jjkfljl’;jkjl?

So yes, I kind of have it, and it’s been something I’ve been trying to fix by taking a plunger to the head. But I am still clogged up with hair, toothpaste residue and foot odor cream. I have started many, many posts, and yup, they’re as finished as this sen–

Here are the top blog posts that failed to make it. Enjoy.

Lieberty University

Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney gave the commencement address at Liberty University, one of the greatest universities to teach that the Earth is a mere 6,000 years old.

Below is a transcript of his remarks:

To the graduates, the children are our future. Except the gay ones. Your college’s founder Jerry Falwell was a great man. I remember how great he looked when he said that teletubby was gay because it carried a purse. Marriage is a sacred covenant between a male teletubby and a female teletubby. How do you know which is which? Look at the genitals and accessories. Amen.

Continuing Failure

Ah…summer is just around the corner and now I know how I’m going to spend it. The local college just mailed out its continuing education course list. There are people jumping around in potato sacks on the back cover possibly portending a course on Brady Bunch triviaQ: How many times did Alice and Sam do it in the meat locker?

A-ha! I found the course that will help me transition to a new career:

Vintage Costume Jewelry.

Learn about its varied and bloodied history while contemplating the fact that you paid money to do so. Bedazzlers optional.

Donnie Deutsch for President

Donnie Deutsch is a professional ??? and carves out a few precious moments to share his wisdom on the Today show when it needs to fill seven minutes because the woman who has a cat that can beat box has canceled. Today Matt Lauer wants to know his thoughts on the death penalty particularly this situation involving a 9/11 widower who offered to speak out against the death penalty in the trial of Khalid Sheik Mohammed.

Donnie gave this thoughtful response:

“To me, you know, it’s easy to say, look everybody has a right to their opinion, and the death penalty or not the death penalty to me I thought it was an incredible insensitivity to the other families that lost family members that maybe didn’t feel that way. I don’t think it’s the place to grandstand. He is one of this very, very tragic group.”

Well said.

What the @#!@&! is Yahoo! Shine?

Sex survey! This was performed by a magazine in collaboration with Yahoo! Shine, “the leading site for women’s lifestyle content.”

Here are some of the findings:

- 94% of women say they have never heard of Yahoo! Shine.

This Post is Brought to You By Metamucil

There are heroes out there people.

We might disagree over what makes someone a hero. I personally think it’s butt-accentuating tights. You might think a hero is someone who has the ability to blog about heroes wearing butt-accentuating tights while simultaneously watching The Voice without pouring cement in one’s ears.

You might be onto something, although I’m not sure because someone is shrieking into a microphone and it’s hard to concentrate. That is some voice.

But I think we can all agree that the act of heroism is elevated by the right product placement.

Take our latest hero who went against the grain by not donning a cape. Instead he used a handful of “cheese”-flavored Pringles to fight crime. He is Snackman.

I learned about him from the Today show where Matt Lauer is paid tens of millions of dollars to explain it all. It wasn’t Matt doing the story, but rather one of the female anchors who kept trying to get Snackman to “pop off” his shirt. She would make a great Awkwardwoman because this exchange could not be more awkward.

Snackman diffused a fight on a New York City subway by getting between the kicking legs of a man and woman, all the while never breaking his stride of munching on his stack of Pringles. Did the dried potato flakes have something to do with Snackman’s heroism? Or maybe it was the Pringle man’s pristine mustache? Or the buckets and buckets of salt? Who knows?

In fact, according to Awkwardwoman, Snackman has approached Pringles about possibly getting some kind of endorsement deal. “Next time we’ll get you to pop that top!” she cackles and cackles.

Please, please stop.

He left with a gift basket of Pringles, and he carried it very heroically.

Wouldn’t it be great if other heroes did the same?  Not carry Pringles baskets, but sought out advertisers. Like, maybe it would make history less dullsville and more wowsville.

Take Paul Revere. Booorrrrriiinnnnnggg. He rode a horse and bellowed about the British coming, which–granted–was important information. But what if he also could have let the general non-Loyalist public know about some outstanding solutions to their dilemma of what to serve for dinner?

Just think if he had to deliver those pizzas in a 30-minute window? Pretty freakin’ heroic.

Or George Washington. He had shitty teeth. I could forgive that if he crossed the Delaware with his fingertips caked in Cheetos’ dust.

Or Harriet Tubman. She was pretty bad ass, but wouldn’t it have been awesome if she shared some tips on how she evaded slavecatchers?

Or take Lincoln. What the frick does that Gettysburg Address even mean, yo? I don’t care, because now he looks like a dude who could just hang and play hackysack.

See, don’t they seem so much more hero-y?

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I see things different because I’ve added fiber to my diet and now I can shit with the best of them.

I’m Speaker7, and I fight crime with Metamucil.

Facebook Facepalm

National Public Radio aired a story offering friendly advice to teachers about posting on Facebook. The basic premise is that teachers don’t have the same leeway as others because of the nature of the job. So this status update would not be the best choice:

Neither would this photo:

The story went on to give examples of teachers who lost their jobs over such infractions as calling homosexuality a “perverted sin,” referring to their students as “future criminals” and posting photos of themselves covered in chocolate sauce gyrating next to a stripper.

Fair enough.

Now I don’t want to seem like a scold or anti-freedomy™, but broadcasting your awfulness to the world is not always the right course of action especially when your job is to teach students to take tests made up by people seeking to annihilate all forms of public education. I’ll admit I like to cover myself in applesauce while gyrating next to stuffed animals I dressed up as strippers–in fact I’m doing it right now–the difference is I don’t take pictures of it or let people know about it…oh, sh*t. Unlike.

But should this just be applicable to teachers? Yes, teachers are revered in our society–just ask Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, but if I am not allowed to call my students sludge buckets for the entire world to see, why are you allowed to inundate me with updates about your hiccups?

Now this has never been done before–a blog first, or blirst™–but I’m about to devise a list of Facebook Etiquette, or Facebookquette…no, that doesn’t work…how ’bout Speaker7′s Guide to Non-Asshattery on Facebookery? Score. I’m going to trademark it. ™

Speaker7′s Guide to Non-Asshattery on Facebookery or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb™:

  • Don’t write about your hiccups. Or that you’re tired or hungry or yearning to be free. No one cares, unless you’re an actual baby. Then I would be impressed by your ability to spell hiccups, and I would steal you away for an appearance on the Today show calling you the Facebaby™.
  • Don’t post photographs of your fabulous vacation destination that looks nothing like the hellhole I call home. I can’t afford a vacation, jerk, so thanks for rubbing it in my facebook. Oh, you’re not home? I’m going to go break into your house.
  • Don’t post that you’re going to break into someone’s house. That’s going to get you arrested, and you saw how hard that was for Paris Hilton. She’s a warrior.
  • Don’t call Paris Hilton a warrior. Even though you are kidding, humor doesn’t translate well on Facebook, and people will think you’re stupid and out of touch. Paris Hilton is sooooo 2000.
  • Don’t write FML about anything unless you a literally fucking your life, and if you are doing that, post pictures.
  • Don’t write angry diatribes about slut women or gay immigrants under my status update about watching the Republican debate and vomiting into a bucket. We clearly don’t see things from the same perspective, and ranting like a dehydrated former child star won’t change things.
  • And finally, never use Facebook.


Multiple Onions of the News

Lots of news today, people. Lots of news. I don’t even know how to describe it. Today’s news was so exciting it was as if the Hindenburg crashed into the Titanic or George Washington crossed the Delaware right up onto the beaches of Normandy or Snooki crashed into the Hindenburg right after giving birth to Charlie Sheen’s baby whom they named Washington Titanic.

Who can describe it? Who can take our hands and lead us from the darkness into the light? Who can segue quickly from a segment on Rick Santorum to a segment on the best bidets?

The Today show of course.

Okay first big story: The never-ending  war in Afghanistan. Sorry, I misheard that. I was crunching loudly on my morning bag of Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Ass Explosion®.

Let’s try this again. Octomom, the woman/octopus hybrid, is on public assistance. Matt Lauer is interviewing her and is wearing glasses so we know this is serious bizness.

“Good to have you with us,” he says.

“Hi. Thank you to have me,” she answers.

Uh-oh. I was thinking the fluttering of eyelashes and the making of faces during the 10-15 promos of Octomom was just Octomom being playful, but now I’m thinking she’s on something or about to envelope Matt in a thick cloud of black ink.

“A lot of people are angry about this decision to go on assistance,” Matt says.

Who are these people? Because they sound great.

“I’m sad. I’m just a horribly sad, horribly disfigured person, and you–meaning the media–love it. It gives you the chance to publicly shame somehow who so obviously needs mental health assistance.  Instead of giving me the help I need by ignoring me,  you parade me around like we’re at the Victorian freak show,” Octomom answers. “Oh and I took this picture for a magazine because I love my children.”

“Please chronicle the daily humiliations that encompass your life so I can masturbate and people at home can feel superior even while eating pink slime and arsenic-ladened chicken,” Matt says.

“It would take 14 books–do you hear that publishers–14 books to go through all the multiple onions of my life,” she says.

Well said.

The news just keeps getting newsier with the next piece on a turnip who wrote on article entitled There are Downsides to being this Pretty” or “See, I can ignite a media firestorm. Book deal, please.”

The article includes many pictures. Like this one:

I’d tap that root (Do you see what I did there? The turnip forms from a tap root. There are downsides to being this clever).

Everyone is pissed and, the staff of the Today show was even talking about it, gurgles Ann Curry who adds “I’m so way prettier than her.”

Some people are like: ugly, ugly, ugly, boo. Some people are like: you go turnip, yay!

“I’ve gotten thousands of vile messages on Twitter,” the turnip states. She does not say how many books that translates into.

I guess there are not as many multiple turnips to her life.

Stop the (Word)Presses!!!

Can we do that? Because we need to stop everything right now! Right. Now.

I have a HUGE announcement.

So stop. Stop it. Stop. Stop it. Stop doing that, whatever you happen to be doing. Stop breathing…no wait, you still need to do that. Okay, you can do the things that the body does unconsciously like beating the heart, eliminating waste and downloading porn on the Internet.

Are you ready????? I can barely contain my excitement. This is almost as big as that press conference when Obama announced the American Pie franchise was releasing its 4th movie American [insert title].

The Today show has an exclusive interview with that guy who shot bullets into his daughter’s laptop!?! Exclusive!!!!! Exclusive means this is the only place you will see this guy talk about stuff, and OH MY GOD!!!!! his daughter will be there too. So you can listen to this guy AND his daughter EXCLUSIVELY on the Today show tomorrow morning.

This is nearly as exciting as me nailing an exclusive interview with the guy who threw a Slim Jim wrapper in my front yard (I’m still working on it. Be patient. I will get that exclusive interview if it kills me).

I almost missed the announcement of this exclusive interview. I’ve been watching the Today show since 7 a.m., and the promo has only been shown 4,568 times in the last five minutes.

Matt Lauer is going to be sitting in a chair (!?!). And then the guy is going to be sitting in a chair (?!?), and OH MY GOD his daughter is going to be sitting in a chair for this exclusive interview. Aren’t people normally suspended over shark tanks filled with napalm-flavored Fruit Roll Ups® for interviews? No, the announcer said MATT LAUER WILL BE SITTING DOWN with that guy, and then I saw video footage of it actually happening.  And it looks like they’re eating eggs? Are they? I don’t know!!!! Will someone confirm if they are exclusively eating eggs?? Could it be pancakes? It could be pancakes. Maybe it’s not even breakfast food?

Can we declare tomorrow a national holiday like Guy Who Shot Daughter’s Laptop Will Talk to Matt Lauer And His Daughter Will Be There And This Is the First Time This Has Happened In the History of Laptop-Shooting Dads Day? Then everyone could stay home and watch this exclusive interview. And then we could exchange gifts.

This is what I’m going to give my son:

Gun-Totin' Teddy™. Shoots real bullets!

This is so amazing. And did I mention exclusive? I don’t think I did. Guys–this is an exclusive interview with that guy! You know, that guy? Do you know that guy? He’s that guy. And he made a video where he shot his daughter’s laptop? She posted “Dad blows” or something on Facebook? Remember that? It’s like how people say: “Do you remember where you were the day that guy threw the Slim Jim wrapper?” And you respond: “That was the day America changed forever, and I also ate a scone.”

This is just like that!! Except way more exclusive.

Okay, that’s the end of the huge announcement. Carry on.