richard mourdock

Top 10 Turds of 2012

You may be aware, I run a weekly segment titled Turd of the Week™.*

*Full disclosure: This is not weekly. It’s more of a sporadic segment, but I like Turd of the Week™ moreso than Sporadic Turd™ .

You may also be aware that 2012 is quickly coming to a close, and what better way to ring in the new year than honor some truly spectacular shitball behavior.

I combed the extensive archives (not really), and have put together a top 10 list saluting such incredible craptastic turding.

Yes, Donald Trump is on this list–he, in fact, could be the entire list. I’m also recognizing a completely new turd who has tooted some pretty turdtastic statements in the past couple of days.

1. Donald Trump

The Turd

The Turd Donald had quite the year. It seemed every time I turned on the TV, he was surpassing his latest bout of idiocy with some assblasting tomfoolery.

He started off the year making media outlets believe they should broadcast the things that he says. We would get reports the Trump was going to make a big annoucement about the Republican presidental candidates or the fact his hair is made out of hamster bedding, then reports guessing what he would say and finally the actual announcement. All this while real news was occurring.

He jumped on the birther train and rode it straight to Batshit Crazy, USA.

He challenged Pres. Obama to release his college transcripts in exchange for a fake donation to a charity like Trump Steaks Inc.  When Hurricane Sandy overshadowed his giant gaping maw, he got on the news extending the deadline.

And then finally, election night, he tweeted the election was a sham cuz the guy who got the most votes won and that we should revolt. Turd-a-licious.

2. Donald TrumpBill O’Reilly

Bill O'Turdly

Bill is not about Bill, people.  He is never about self-promotion so when he blathered on forever about the media exploitation of Whitney Houston’s death while promoting his latest historical fantasy novel, it was because he cares.

He cares when he says things like: “Whitney Houston wanted to kill herself. Nobody takes drugs for that long if they want to stay on the planet.”

And this after the 2012 election: “It’s not a traditional America anymore, and there are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff. They want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama.”

And never forget: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam. What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.”

Falafel Turdafel.

3. Donald TrumpRush Limbaugh

Rush Turdball

Do I really need to explain this one? I gave Limpball a turd cigar during his whole women-who-use-birth-control-are-sluts phase (1981-present). Remember that fun? Sandra Fluke was a “slut” because she wanted her birth control covered under her insurance plan so it was like “she wants to be paid to have sex.”

Unbelievable, expecially coming from a Missouri Hall of Fame treasure who said this: “When women got the right to vote, is when it all went downhill.”

I vote Big Fat-Headed Turd.

4. Donald TrumpDarrell Issa

issaturdThe former car thief congressman famously summoned an all male-panel to discuss vaginal domination “religious freedom.”

Old pot-bellied men grumbled over how female contraception meant less possibilities for virgin births, and Issa readily shut down any requests for the ladies to speak on a topic that was essentially about women’s health..er…I mean god stuff. Wasn’t there some sewing the ladies could attend to? Those wrinkles aren’t going to iron out themselves.

He issa turd.

5. Donald TrumpRichard Mourdock

richardmurdick

This little beauty resurrected the Turd of the Week™ segment by plopping out this statement: “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

That takes a strong bowel to say God is rape’s cheerleader.

Murdick can share his turd award with that other turdface Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” comment.

So sorry you turds lost your elections.

6. Donald TrumpNewt Gingrich

newty-turd

Giant babyman Newt Gingrich spews many horrible things out of his melon-sized head. I turded him after suffering through his long-winded speech before the Conservative Political Action Conference, but he, like Trump, could be a weekly winner.

Why just a few days ago, he said this gem: “(S)chool administrators should be trained and should have arms that are available under lock and key.” According to Newt, if Dawn Hochsprung–or “that principal” as Newt put it–had been able to kill the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooter first, she would saved a number of lives.

I think I speak for many when I say: Shut the fuck up forever.

7. Donald TrumpTami Fitzgerald

Turdi Fitzgerald

Finally! A woman enters the sewage arena. I gave Tami a nice turd cake topper for her turdish stance against gay marriage. Tami is one of those people who enjoys attributing horrible things to God to get away with saying some horrible homophobic stuff.

According to Tami, God designed marriage, and is directly responsible for that uncomfortable feeling you get when you watch a 12-year-old boy slide a garter up a 45-year-old woman’s leg at a wedding reception. God flips out when people ruin weddings by marrying people they love who happen to share the same set of gentalia because it completely ruins that tradition. Two garter belts! What the fuck are you going to do with that!

8. Donald TrumpGeraldo Rivera

geraldon't

Mario-brother Impersonator Geraldo Rivera is all about keeping it realz, yo. He makes the list for blaming the hoodie on Trayvon Martin’s shooting death, and saying the word “gangsta” in the most grating way possible.

He gets more hair added to his turd’s mustache for saying a “faith-based man” couldn’t possibly have committed the acts of the Sandy Hook shooter.

Whateva gangsturd.

9. Donald TrumpTerry England

Turdy England

Georgia State Rep. Terry England received the turd honor when he compared women to livestock. In a discussion about a bill prohibiting abortion after 20 weeks, England thought it was appropriate to share his experience watching his cows deliver stillborn babies. It was tough on the ol’ birds, but they could do it so why can’t the ladies, amirite fellas?

Salt of the turd, that one.

10. Donald TrumpWayne LaPierre

Wayne-LaTurd

I have not written much about the Sandy Hook school shootings. I am a loss for what to say. I read stories about funerals held for six and seven year olds, and I’m a blubbering mess. I feel this way not just because I’m a parent and a teacher responsible for countless little innocents, but because I’m a person.

That’s why I found Wayne LePierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, particularly turd-worthy. A day after Newtown buried Josephine Grace Gay, 7, the last of the slain children, LePierre was on “Meet the Press” saying the NRA will continue to fight any new measures limiting gun purchases. He continued his crazed vision of elementary schools armed to the teeth as if the way to solve gun violence is to add more guns to the mix.

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,” LePierre insisted.

Okay. You’re crazy, sturd-crazy.

Where My Ladies At?

Hi Women!

Whas up, yo?

Sorry I began so awkwardly. It’s because I feel nervous.

I feel nervous because some of you are Republicans or people who think voting for Mitt Romney is a good idea. I fear you will drop me like Michael Jackson almost dropped Blanket from that hotel balcony or post something in the comments that will make me feel squicky.

I get it. I do, I honestly do. You like something that he stands for. I can’t imagine what that is, but I’m sure it’s something with economics or smaller government.

But here’s the rub: the way Republicans have been talking about women and acting about women is just fucking wrong. There’s no getting past it.

You may be thinking, but Mitt loves his wife, how can Speaker7 say Mitt is anti-women? And I would say if you are Ann Romney, by all means vote for Mitt because he seriously digs you. But if you’re somebody who relies on Planned Parenthood for your health care, believes you should be able to procure birth control easily and affordably, and be treated fairly in the workplace, then the Republican train ain’t the one to be on.

Here’s just a few examples of Republican exceptionalism:

  • advocacy of a no-exceptions abortion ban, according to the GOP platform
  • opposition to the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009
  • mandated transvaginal ultrasounds
  • promotion of the Blunt Amendment that would have allowed any employer to deny covering birth control on moral grounds
  • discussion of rape distinctions–I’ll handle that later; it needs its own paragraph

I’m voting for Obama. There are things Obama stands for that I don’t like. I don’t like the Race for the Top education policy that basically continues the shittiness of No Child Left Behind. I don’t like the administration’s support of hydrofracking. But I overlook these things because otherwise I would never be able to vote for anyone ever.

But if I felt for a second that Obama thought women were less than, I would be out the door. Like if he continued to support a candidate who had the gall to say something like rape was a gift from God? I’d be thanks, but no thanks, fella.

I know women are not a uniform, monolithic voting bloc. I know we aren’t all on our periods at the same time and eagerly awaiting the latest sale of chocolate-dipped shoes. We have our own issues, concerns, and life experiences that shape the decisions we make at the ballot box. But cheezits cripes, we should band together when it comes to a political party advocating for policies that state our lives are worth less.

I get the distinct impression that Republicans–at least the ones in power and talking–don’t really like us all that much. I mean, they like us if we’re getting coffee or giving blow jobs, but otherwise? Not so much.

I mean how else can you explain those comments about rape? I can’t for the life of me understand why this is an issue that merits any discussion beyond “rape is a crime.” Now it’s been turned into something that can be categorized like forcible or legitimate or something that is so easy to do to some women. And it’s Republicans who are saying these things.

So I think it’s time we said “enough.” I think it’s time we put a stop to the nonsense and demand to be treated like thinking human beings because we are. And we’re the majority.

If you can’t vote for Obama, that’s okay. Write in something like “Vagina Queen” or “Speaker7.” I frankly think it’s time we started our own party and gave men a taste of the shit they’ve been shoveling in our direction since the beginning of time.

Here is the Speaker7 Party slogan: “Ball-Scratchers Beware.”

But enough with electing these shitballs to positions of power. Sure maybe they talk a good game about creating jobs and reducing the deficit, but they really seem to be about creating crazy legislation and reducing our opportunities and access to health care.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the second post. She loves you very much. Even if you’re seething right now because you don’t like her positions, it doesn’t change the fact that she thinks you are wonderful.  She is looking for things to write about in the longest November since November existed. Please leave suggestions in the comments. The non-squicky type, please. 

A Turd-ucopia

Turd of the Week™ has come out of retirement.

The little dude was actually getting the chalky-white look of an old piece of dog poop found 17 years later in a sewer grate. But it’s been revived–rejuvenated by amazing displays of turdism that should be featured in the book The Most Unbelievable Turd-duckens Since Turduckens Were Invented (release date: Christmas 2012)

“I am truly overflowing with turdish delight.”

So this politician said something unbelievable at a debate. This guy is a Republican—surprise–and he said something horrible relating to women–double surprise. Then a bullhorn with a hairpiece made out of the straw from the Wizard of Oz scarecrow held a press conference that entailed him defecating freely from his gaping maw.

Let’s begin with the turd masquerading as an actual candidate for the U.S. Senate. Let me remind you that two people in the whole fucking state get this job. Like this is a big deal.

Giant turd Richard Mourdock decided it was a fine time to spew this from his mouth:

“Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

I’m going to address this to all men:

Men, never say anything about rape unless it is this:

“Rape is fucking awful. I’m sorry that people get raped because that is fucking awful.”

That’s all you should say about rape. Ever. If you want to tack a “but” onto the end of that sentence to add something like “she was wearing a short skirt” or “God gives babies because he’s on board with rape” then it’s time to have your tongue surgically removed so you can never utter those sentences.

Mourdock has since apologized because his words were “taken out of context.”

I’m sorry, Mr. Mourdick, but the only way I will accept your apology is if this was the sentence you snotted before saying that completely bizarre sentence. “What I’m about to say is the ravings of a small-dicked lunatic…”

Turd. Big fucking turd.

The second turd is Donald Trump, which is basically a given. Just assume that every week, Donald Trump wins Turd of the Week™. He is a masterful turd.

So he was on the old tee-vee, and he realized that there are no plans to air  The Apprentice anytime soon, so he decided to say something stupid about Pres. Barack Obama. He said:

“Turd turd turd turd turd. Turd turd turd turd turd.”

I don’t know if that’s 100 percent accurate, but I immediately go deaf when Donald Trump speaks. You can read this if you need to know more.

I certainly don’t.

So yes, the turd is back.