Real Housewives

Top 10 Films of 2012

In case you were unaware, 2012 will end in a few days.

This means you will see a flurry of articles that try to distinguish the cream from the curd of 2012. I received an email from Twitter alerting me to the top tweets of 2012, and I actually took moments from my life to look at it.

FYI – this was the top tweet:

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I wanted to add to the noise with my own 2012 wrap up, starting with the top 10 movies of the year*.

*Full disclosure: I have only seen three movies this year, and two of them were made in 2011. Ever since the baby, I have had trouble making the kind of time commitment a movie demands. The most I can give is an hour, and wine needs to be involved.

1. The Hunger Games

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I actually saw this in the movie theater, and it was made this year so obviously it makes the list. I wanted to see this because I enjoyed the novels. It was okay. I actually felt bored when Katniss was in the arena, and hearing the young audience laugh when people were slaughtered made me feel all squicky.

2. Friends with Kids

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This made the list because I saw it in 2012. It was made in 2011. And it sucked. It starred people I like, but it sucked a giant suckball. All the characters were loathsome. This should have been better and it made me angry that I wasted time that could have been spent watching an Original Lifetime Movie.

3. Cabin in the Woods

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My husband had to actually remind me that we saw this. It was made in 2011. I think it was good even though I don’t remember it. But Joss Whedon, folks. Joss Whedon. I’m in the midst of rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, seasons 1-7.

4. Drew Peterson–Untouchable

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I understand this a Lifetime movie, but it makes my list because I saw it, and it had this:

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That is Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson doing a strip tease before his arresting officers. And then the movie just ends. He’s twirling around singing a little va-va-vavoom ditty and boom, closing credits. That is genius.

5. Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Show

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This is not a movie, but let me tell you, I was riveted and could have watched these “ladies” for hours. They would call each other fu-bleep cu-bleep and then embrace and cuddle and then go back to “you fu-bleep cu-bleep.” I would not recommend the show itself, but the reunion show was houswivatastic.

6-10. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter red carpet Commercial

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This is not a movie, but it is the heartwarming tale of a tub of solidifed vegetable oil that finally makes it to the big time. The paparazzi is demanding it turn itself around to see the label, and when it does, the paparazzi becomes en masse “a believer.” I know this sounds somewhat artsy, but give this is a shot.

Next up: Top 10 top 10 lists.

10 Top TV shows

Ah TV, my old friend. We’ve had some good times especially when watching Good Times. I am cheered by your version of reality. I am invigorated by your infomercials. I am empowered by your mute button.

How can I possibly select the top 10 things you considerately displayed to me over the last 11 1/2 months? It seems like a fool’s journey or a….um….well if I watched less TV I could probably come up with another analogy.

Maybe it would be best to go with the 10 top TV shows I did not watch? Yes, let’s do that.

1. Two and a Half Men – This show uncovers the seedy underbelly of life on the vaudeville circuit for two ventriloquists and their life-size man puppet. Things took an ugly twist in the fall of this year, when the puppet veered off the wrong path and decided to head to Pleasure Island where all inhabitants are turned into jackasses. When the ventriloquists set out to rescue the puppet, they return with the wrong jackass, but the younger, dumber jackass is somehow inserted successfully into the show,  and their show is somehow  watched by millions of people.

1. Whitney  – This show pretends to be a comedy, but is really a documentary of a paranoid delusional woman who believes everything she says is funny. Luckily, the male costar is just a figment of her imagination.

1. America’s Got Talent – Yes, yes it does–it’s just not featured on this show. But it could be out there somewhere and that’s what makes the American Dream live on.

1. CSI: Gantts Quarry – This series follows a crack crime scene investigation team based in Gantts Quarry, Ala., which has a population of 0. How is that possible? That’s why it needs a crack crime scene investigation to solve the mystery through DNA thinga-ma-stuff.

1. Kardashian Knightmare Kontinues – This series chronicles the KKK’s rise to power through fear and big asses. Thankfully, their influence appears to be waning.

1. Real Housewives of Gantts Quarry – This chronicles the real-life experiences of five housewives who live in a town of 0 people. It is riveting.

10. Nightly News  – This sitcom sets itself apart by presenting entertainment as actual news. The actors do a phenomenal job of keeping a straight face while reporting the exploits of Lindsey Lohan as something someone should give two shits about. Bravo!

This is so cute

So I was watching the Today show, and after I viewed the requisite segments on the white-women-missing-in-Aruba epidemic and the Jeff-Rossen-sliming-all-over-the-microphone-in-his-best-smarminess perversion, I saw a piece about this 4-year-old who is the world’s youngest preacher, according to They Say. This was so cute. The woman who looks like all the other women anchors on Today except for Ann Curry–I call her “Composite”–she introduced the segment as “this is so cute” so that’s how I knew how to react properly since my initial reaction was to recoil in horror.

They showed footage of the “pint-sized preacher” “preaching” at his “church” somewhere in the country where people speak with Southern accents. He wore a suit and growled about the one Lord and holy God–most of it was incomprehensible–and then he danced a little bit. And…it….was…..so……cute. . . like how it would be so cute to watch a 4-year-old preside over an infomercial on Ab Rockets or be the fifth housewife on the Real Housewives of the Pentecostal Church or be interviewed by Jeff Rossen about being the world’s youngest most off-putting minister.

Thankfully his parents say they’re not pushing the boy to be a preacher and they have no agenda. They said this on the number-one-rated national morning news show where they also promoted the National Geographic special that features their son after the boy gained national attention by his parents uploading his sermonizing on YouTube. That was maybe the cutest thing of all.