politics

Trump Stump

Oh, bless his little orange, puffy face!

Donald Trump may seek the GOP nomination for govenor of New York.

This is news, people.

In the same way, it was news when Donald Trump declared he was running for president those 4,001,321 times. Or when he fashioned that ridiculous hair mop he wears on his head from wood shavings and a can of KRAFT® Easy Cheese.

The frequent-bankruptcy-filing “billionaire” says he is considering running because he is a paranoid delusional narcissist who believes he farts gold nuggets believes he can win.

donaldnoneckTrump was at some Republican fundraiser on Friday to talk about the dangers of over-tanning prove that a person can still communicate even when it’s clear one’s brain is disconnected from one’s spinal cord.

trumpedhairI’m not a fan of Gov. Andrew Cuomo. I voted for him only because the other guy wanted to convert prisons into “welfare dorms.” Now if Trump seriously gets the nomination, and that is a big bloated if, I will once again be forced to cast a vote for a politician who routinely denigrates my profession as an educator–as if we are all educators at Donald Trump University.

At the $100-per-person event, Trump outlined his platform. He would turn New York into the energy capitol. He has volunteered to act as the state-wide gas bag. He supports hydrofracking and wants to repeal the NY SAFE act, which requires ammunition dealers to do background checks and the creation of registry of assault weapons. It also requires mental health professionals to report credible threats made by a mental health patient.

Trump stated that he himself is licensed to carry a gun.

I wonder if I can find that number to make a report.

More importantly Trump touted his number one issue–how to stay relevant beyond his woman parade pageant and his nonCelebrity Apprentice snoozefest.

trumpissueLike I said before:

News.

Mr. Speaker7 Goes to Washington

So Mr. Speaker7 won his local election.

I think my elation can be best summed up in a series of gifs:

You can’t top Van Damme’s dance moves.

Thanks to all everyone’s kind wishes. Now comes the part with the governing and shit.

Speaker7, who is now an official politician’s wife bitches!!!!, is writing a post every day as part of the Nano Poblano Team. She would like you to vote for less days in November.

Best Politician’s Wife

Today I will be going on a “lit drop.”

This is not to be confused with a “trou drop” the act where one drops one’s pants in public. This is where I go to strangers’ houses and drop campaign literature in the hopes that they do not notice and/or berate me. At these moments, I wish for the stealth of Santa Claus or that guy who drops his candy wrappers in my empty recycling bins without fail every trash day.

I may have mentioned Mr. Speaker7 is running for elected office. He has been going door-to-door since June. On Tuesday it all comes to a close.

I’ve been helping out by grumbling “I fucking hate this” the five seconds I see him during the week and doing this lit drop three days before election day. My joke is that I’m planning to vote for his opponents.

I think I will win as “Best Politican’s Wife.”

This is my second lit drop. I did another before the primary in September. One household had a sweet set of rusty chainsaws on their front porch. At another I had some bearded guy leer at me “You don’t have to worry about getting fat, you walk so fast.”

There’s a reason for that, Beard Guy, and it might have a little something to do with you.

I do so love the general public. This was why whenever a man-on-the-street reporting assignment came up, I was the first to run out onto a highway to get flattened by a tractor trailer. Ooh, really?!? Can I knock on people’s doors and ask them about the hotter-than-hellfire weather?

But I’m doing it again. I’m doing it because Mr. Speaker7 is a rarity in this political time. He believes government does provide services that can help a community grow and prosper. He believes government is a necessity in a functioning democracy.  His opponents believe government is the problem, and the only solution is to make it ineffective by rendering it useless. Cuts and privatization for all!

This guy knows what I’m talking about:

dafuk?

Right on, man. You do realize you’re standing on a road that was built by the government, right?

This month the Hon. Speaker7 will be writing a daily post as part of the Nano Pablona Team. They won’t all be winners, people, but hopefully Mr. Speaker7 will be. Don’t forget to vote on Tuesday. 

The News That Nearly Stopped the Internet

Stop the muther-fucking Internet, people! I’ve got a BIG announcement…

Wait, how do you stop this thing? Is there a button somewhere…no that’s just brightens the screen…maybe this one? ª No, it just makes a tiny floating “a”….okay, I don’t know how to do it. The fact that I can’t stop the Internet in no way diminishes this AMAZING breaking news:

Noted Elvis Presley impersonator and part-time manwhore Rob Schneider has changed his political affiliation from Democrat to Republican.

I’m just going to give you a moment to let that sink in…and to google who Rob Schneider is.

Big news, amirite?

It’s almost as big as that time Fred Sampson said he wasn’t going to shovel the curbcut in front of his house if the plows were just going to pile big mounds of snow there.

It’s nearly as monumental as that time Ginny Smith was asked “How was your weekend?” by Amy Nedrow and answered “Kind of sucky” rather than the requisite “Fine, how was yours?

And it’s practically on par with that time that bear shit in the woods that one day.

Schneider blames the California Democrats for killing the creative spirit that could have made Deuce Bigalow: Beating a Dead Horse With Another Dead Horse a reality.

robsreasonsThe Democratic Party “no longer serves the people of this great state,” opines Schneider. “When the sitcom Rob was canceled, it was like a seagull was suffocated by the great big donkey that rules with its iron hoof.”

He also had to move his “vitamin company” out of the state due to state regulations that demand vitamins actually contain more than sawdust and lost hope.

That logic is as solid as the plot of Hot Chick. 

Instead, Schneider is throwing his slight build behind California Assemblyman Tim Donnelly’s bid for governor. Donnelly is a leader of the California Minutemen, and once attempted to erect a fence on the California-Mexican border.

robbigthoughts

The Terrible Twos

I may have mentioned in the past that I work with young children. I teach them about books and media literacy in this room called a library, a place that has been made obsolete by the Internetz.

I did a lesson today on the differences between fiction and nonfiction. I read two stories about ducks. One was about real mallard ducks and one was about a duck that wore underwear. Whenever I said underwear, the kids laughed uproariously as if it was Showtime at the Apollo. I killed it, people. I killed.

Underwear.

One little bugger decided the show needed to be about him. He rolled around on the floor like a flounder plucked from the water. He whimpered and whined and refused my entreaties to “act like a kindergartener”–my polite way of saying “get your fucking act together, dude.”

But all appeals to reason and logic went unheeded, and the lesson ended with the little “angel” running around, knocking over books and screaming.

In short, he sucked.

And he reminded me of somebody.

Two people actually.

I realize this kid has a bright future ahead of him as a political pundit and/or loudmouthed shit-spewer. He reminded me of money-bags consultant and Stay Puft Marshmallow Man stand-in Karl Rove who had a bit of his own meltdown on Fox News.

See Karl Rove had convinced a handful of gazillionaires to put their gazillions in Romney-supported ads to swing the election to Romney. And now he has to explain why he sucks. Two words: pork jowls.

The cutie patootie also reminded me of perennial bankruptcy-filer and perennial Turd of the Week™ Donald Trump.

Trump took to the twit-waves and tweeted moronic ramblings about revolution and bad combovers.

See his favorite candidate–his own fat Oompa-Loompa mug–didn’t win the write-in campaign of douchery. So Donald stuck his iPhone under his ass and expelled loudly onto it, producing such gems as:

“This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy.”

And

“I am completely irrelevant.”

Tantrum city, people.

The thing is, the five-year-old kind of has an excuse because he’s five and even then, he’s way too old to be having the kind of tantrum he exhibited in the library today.

Those other two? Well, they’re just terrible.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the eighth post. If you don’t like it, she will throw an epic tantrum. 

Block the Vote!

Today is the day to cast your hard-won right-to-vote vote. 

Okay that sounded really clunky and I was going for inspiring. You have to cut me some slack since I’m attempting to post daily when I have little to say. In fact I thought the expression was “catch me some slack.”

So some of you voting voters may have the pleasure of encountering what is known as election thugs monitors, people who will hang around and make sure you actually have the right to cast your hard-won right-to-vote vote and are not a fraud.

For your edification, this is what a non-fraud voter looks like:

Or this:

And this as well:

If you look like any of these non-fraud voters, you’re golden.

But what if you don’t resemble these three American archetypes?

Well you may be in for a bit of challenging day especially if you happen to live in one of three states that decide the presidential election.

Is voter fraud really so rampant to require such a response as thousands of monitors? Actually no. If you read the article in the link, you would see that more Americans were charged with violating migratory-bird statutes then with committing election fraud.

But here’s the issue, if we let everybody vote, it may put one particular candidate at a disadvantage by leaving him with less votes.

And is that fair to him?

Well…yes.

So I figured I better quickly devise some methods to help you get around these helpful watchers to ensure your ballot is cast:

  • Wear this T-shirt:

  • Put a pumpkin over your head–make sure you have something like a rat’s nest or a tangle of fried onions on top of it–and try to pass yourself off as Donald Trump. You will see that everyone will give a wide berth.
  • Upon approach, immediately start dry-heaving. People do not dig vomit even if it is fraud vomit.
  • Same goes for peeing of the pants. It makes people uncomfortable to talk to someone who has urine actively traveling down one’s leg.
  • Carry a slop bucket and a mop under the guise you’re just there to clean the polling place.
  • Since Republicans seem interested in making all uteri property of the government, ask a poll watcher if he’d be willing to hold onto yours to make sure it doesn’t get into any trouble while you go vote.
  • Use your vote to remove those from power who tacitly (and not so tacitly) support such unbelieveable anti-democratic measures.

Yes, I’m talking to you John Husted and Rick Scott.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the sixth post. Depending on how today goes, tomorrow’s post may be a primordial scream. 

Heckuva Turd

One might say criticizing the president for responding too quickly to Hurricane Sandy is partisan hackery at its best.

But when that critic is the poster child of one of the most botched relief efforts in recent U.S. history, that critic floats to the level of turd superstar, otherwise known as Turd of the Week™.

Michael “heckuva job, Brownie” Brown took Obama to task for holding a press conference the day before the storm hit.

Apparently it’s way better to deal with the mess after it happens. The Bush Administration waited a good amount of time before noticing much of the Gulf Coast was underwater from Hurricane Katrina in August 2005. In fact the day after the levees fell in New Orleans, President Bush was quoted as saying “New Orleans dodged a bullet.” Once they realized things were grim, they responded by not responding. Brown, a former supervisor of horse judges and then current head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, “led” the relief effort.

Two weeks later, Brown resigned in disgrace.

In the storm’s aftermath, Brown, like much of Louisiana, seemed to be in over his head.

On the day Katrina made landfall, Brown was busy typing “funny” emails to staff, like:

“Can I quit now? Can I go home?” (2005 Speaker7′s reply: Yes, and take the entire Bush Administration with you.)

And emails about FEMA attire:

At the Congressional hearings on Katrina a year later, Brown pointed the finger-of-blame at everyone including a little boy scout who was visiting the Capitol for the first time ever after selling the most popcorn balls in his troop. When members of Congress demanded he admit his culpability in the colossal fuckery, he yelled like a two-year-old.

So it makes sense that Brownie should ever speak anything about someone else’s heckuva job since he knows exactly how disaster relief shouldn’t unfold.

Or what I meant to write is it makes sense that he won my weekly turd award because…cheese and crackers, Michael Brown, why the flipping hell do you think anyone wants to hear your take on this?

Turd.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the third post. It is a post about turds. There may be many more due to the overabundance of turds. Would you like to read about something other than turds this month? Then leave a suggestion in the comments. 

Where My Ladies At?

Hi Women!

Whas up, yo?

Sorry I began so awkwardly. It’s because I feel nervous.

I feel nervous because some of you are Republicans or people who think voting for Mitt Romney is a good idea. I fear you will drop me like Michael Jackson almost dropped Blanket from that hotel balcony or post something in the comments that will make me feel squicky.

I get it. I do, I honestly do. You like something that he stands for. I can’t imagine what that is, but I’m sure it’s something with economics or smaller government.

But here’s the rub: the way Republicans have been talking about women and acting about women is just fucking wrong. There’s no getting past it.

You may be thinking, but Mitt loves his wife, how can Speaker7 say Mitt is anti-women? And I would say if you are Ann Romney, by all means vote for Mitt because he seriously digs you. But if you’re somebody who relies on Planned Parenthood for your health care, believes you should be able to procure birth control easily and affordably, and be treated fairly in the workplace, then the Republican train ain’t the one to be on.

Here’s just a few examples of Republican exceptionalism:

  • advocacy of a no-exceptions abortion ban, according to the GOP platform
  • opposition to the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009
  • mandated transvaginal ultrasounds
  • promotion of the Blunt Amendment that would have allowed any employer to deny covering birth control on moral grounds
  • discussion of rape distinctions–I’ll handle that later; it needs its own paragraph

I’m voting for Obama. There are things Obama stands for that I don’t like. I don’t like the Race for the Top education policy that basically continues the shittiness of No Child Left Behind. I don’t like the administration’s support of hydrofracking. But I overlook these things because otherwise I would never be able to vote for anyone ever.

But if I felt for a second that Obama thought women were less than, I would be out the door. Like if he continued to support a candidate who had the gall to say something like rape was a gift from God? I’d be thanks, but no thanks, fella.

I know women are not a uniform, monolithic voting bloc. I know we aren’t all on our periods at the same time and eagerly awaiting the latest sale of chocolate-dipped shoes. We have our own issues, concerns, and life experiences that shape the decisions we make at the ballot box. But cheezits cripes, we should band together when it comes to a political party advocating for policies that state our lives are worth less.

I get the distinct impression that Republicans–at least the ones in power and talking–don’t really like us all that much. I mean, they like us if we’re getting coffee or giving blow jobs, but otherwise? Not so much.

I mean how else can you explain those comments about rape? I can’t for the life of me understand why this is an issue that merits any discussion beyond “rape is a crime.” Now it’s been turned into something that can be categorized like forcible or legitimate or something that is so easy to do to some women. And it’s Republicans who are saying these things.

So I think it’s time we said “enough.” I think it’s time we put a stop to the nonsense and demand to be treated like thinking human beings because we are. And we’re the majority.

If you can’t vote for Obama, that’s okay. Write in something like “Vagina Queen” or “Speaker7.” I frankly think it’s time we started our own party and gave men a taste of the shit they’ve been shoveling in our direction since the beginning of time.

Here is the Speaker7 Party slogan: “Ball-Scratchers Beware.”

But enough with electing these shitballs to positions of power. Sure maybe they talk a good game about creating jobs and reducing the deficit, but they really seem to be about creating crazy legislation and reducing our opportunities and access to health care.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the second post. She loves you very much. Even if you’re seething right now because you don’t like her positions, it doesn’t change the fact that she thinks you are wonderful.  She is looking for things to write about in the longest November since November existed. Please leave suggestions in the comments. The non-squicky type, please. 

A Turd-ucopia

Turd of the Week™ has come out of retirement.

The little dude was actually getting the chalky-white look of an old piece of dog poop found 17 years later in a sewer grate. But it’s been revived–rejuvenated by amazing displays of turdism that should be featured in the book The Most Unbelievable Turd-duckens Since Turduckens Were Invented (release date: Christmas 2012)

“I am truly overflowing with turdish delight.”

So this politician said something unbelievable at a debate. This guy is a Republican—surprise–and he said something horrible relating to women–double surprise. Then a bullhorn with a hairpiece made out of the straw from the Wizard of Oz scarecrow held a press conference that entailed him defecating freely from his gaping maw.

Let’s begin with the turd masquerading as an actual candidate for the U.S. Senate. Let me remind you that two people in the whole fucking state get this job. Like this is a big deal.

Giant turd Richard Mourdock decided it was a fine time to spew this from his mouth:

“Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

I’m going to address this to all men:

Men, never say anything about rape unless it is this:

“Rape is fucking awful. I’m sorry that people get raped because that is fucking awful.”

That’s all you should say about rape. Ever. If you want to tack a “but” onto the end of that sentence to add something like “she was wearing a short skirt” or “God gives babies because he’s on board with rape” then it’s time to have your tongue surgically removed so you can never utter those sentences.

Mourdock has since apologized because his words were “taken out of context.”

I’m sorry, Mr. Mourdick, but the only way I will accept your apology is if this was the sentence you snotted before saying that completely bizarre sentence. “What I’m about to say is the ravings of a small-dicked lunatic…”

Turd. Big fucking turd.

The second turd is Donald Trump, which is basically a given. Just assume that every week, Donald Trump wins Turd of the Week™. He is a masterful turd.

So he was on the old tee-vee, and he realized that there are no plans to air  The Apprentice anytime soon, so he decided to say something stupid about Pres. Barack Obama. He said:

“Turd turd turd turd turd. Turd turd turd turd turd.”

I don’t know if that’s 100 percent accurate, but I immediately go deaf when Donald Trump speaks. You can read this if you need to know more.

I certainly don’t.

So yes, the turd is back.