Newt Gingrich

Top 10 Turds of 2012

You may be aware, I run a weekly segment titled Turd of the Week™.*

*Full disclosure: This is not weekly. It’s more of a sporadic segment, but I like Turd of the Week™ moreso than Sporadic Turd™ .

You may also be aware that 2012 is quickly coming to a close, and what better way to ring in the new year than honor some truly spectacular shitball behavior.

I combed the extensive archives (not really), and have put together a top 10 list saluting such incredible craptastic turding.

Yes, Donald Trump is on this list–he, in fact, could be the entire list. I’m also recognizing a completely new turd who has tooted some pretty turdtastic statements in the past couple of days.

1. Donald Trump

The Turd

The Turd Donald had quite the year. It seemed every time I turned on the TV, he was surpassing his latest bout of idiocy with some assblasting tomfoolery.

He started off the year making media outlets believe they should broadcast the things that he says. We would get reports the Trump was going to make a big annoucement about the Republican presidental candidates or the fact his hair is made out of hamster bedding, then reports guessing what he would say and finally the actual announcement. All this while real news was occurring.

He jumped on the birther train and rode it straight to Batshit Crazy, USA.

He challenged Pres. Obama to release his college transcripts in exchange for a fake donation to a charity like Trump Steaks Inc.  When Hurricane Sandy overshadowed his giant gaping maw, he got on the news extending the deadline.

And then finally, election night, he tweeted the election was a sham cuz the guy who got the most votes won and that we should revolt. Turd-a-licious.

2. Donald TrumpBill O’Reilly

Bill O'Turdly

Bill is not about Bill, people.  He is never about self-promotion so when he blathered on forever about the media exploitation of Whitney Houston’s death while promoting his latest historical fantasy novel, it was because he cares.

He cares when he says things like: “Whitney Houston wanted to kill herself. Nobody takes drugs for that long if they want to stay on the planet.”

And this after the 2012 election: “It’s not a traditional America anymore, and there are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff. They want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama.”

And never forget: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam. What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.”

Falafel Turdafel.

3. Donald TrumpRush Limbaugh

Rush Turdball

Do I really need to explain this one? I gave Limpball a turd cigar during his whole women-who-use-birth-control-are-sluts phase (1981-present). Remember that fun? Sandra Fluke was a “slut” because she wanted her birth control covered under her insurance plan so it was like “she wants to be paid to have sex.”

Unbelievable, expecially coming from a Missouri Hall of Fame treasure who said this: “When women got the right to vote, is when it all went downhill.”

I vote Big Fat-Headed Turd.

4. Donald TrumpDarrell Issa

issaturdThe former car thief congressman famously summoned an all male-panel to discuss vaginal domination “religious freedom.”

Old pot-bellied men grumbled over how female contraception meant less possibilities for virgin births, and Issa readily shut down any requests for the ladies to speak on a topic that was essentially about women’s health..er…I mean god stuff. Wasn’t there some sewing the ladies could attend to? Those wrinkles aren’t going to iron out themselves.

He issa turd.

5. Donald TrumpRichard Mourdock

richardmurdick

This little beauty resurrected the Turd of the Week™ segment by plopping out this statement: “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

That takes a strong bowel to say God is rape’s cheerleader.

Murdick can share his turd award with that other turdface Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” comment.

So sorry you turds lost your elections.

6. Donald TrumpNewt Gingrich

newty-turd

Giant babyman Newt Gingrich spews many horrible things out of his melon-sized head. I turded him after suffering through his long-winded speech before the Conservative Political Action Conference, but he, like Trump, could be a weekly winner.

Why just a few days ago, he said this gem: “(S)chool administrators should be trained and should have arms that are available under lock and key.” According to Newt, if Dawn Hochsprung–or “that principal” as Newt put it–had been able to kill the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooter first, she would saved a number of lives.

I think I speak for many when I say: Shut the fuck up forever.

7. Donald TrumpTami Fitzgerald

Turdi Fitzgerald

Finally! A woman enters the sewage arena. I gave Tami a nice turd cake topper for her turdish stance against gay marriage. Tami is one of those people who enjoys attributing horrible things to God to get away with saying some horrible homophobic stuff.

According to Tami, God designed marriage, and is directly responsible for that uncomfortable feeling you get when you watch a 12-year-old boy slide a garter up a 45-year-old woman’s leg at a wedding reception. God flips out when people ruin weddings by marrying people they love who happen to share the same set of gentalia because it completely ruins that tradition. Two garter belts! What the fuck are you going to do with that!

8. Donald TrumpGeraldo Rivera

geraldon't

Mario-brother Impersonator Geraldo Rivera is all about keeping it realz, yo. He makes the list for blaming the hoodie on Trayvon Martin’s shooting death, and saying the word “gangsta” in the most grating way possible.

He gets more hair added to his turd’s mustache for saying a “faith-based man” couldn’t possibly have committed the acts of the Sandy Hook shooter.

Whateva gangsturd.

9. Donald TrumpTerry England

Turdy England

Georgia State Rep. Terry England received the turd honor when he compared women to livestock. In a discussion about a bill prohibiting abortion after 20 weeks, England thought it was appropriate to share his experience watching his cows deliver stillborn babies. It was tough on the ol’ birds, but they could do it so why can’t the ladies, amirite fellas?

Salt of the turd, that one.

10. Donald TrumpWayne LaPierre

Wayne-LaTurd

I have not written much about the Sandy Hook school shootings. I am a loss for what to say. I read stories about funerals held for six and seven year olds, and I’m a blubbering mess. I feel this way not just because I’m a parent and a teacher responsible for countless little innocents, but because I’m a person.

That’s why I found Wayne LePierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, particularly turd-worthy. A day after Newtown buried Josephine Grace Gay, 7, the last of the slain children, LePierre was on “Meet the Press” saying the NRA will continue to fight any new measures limiting gun purchases. He continued his crazed vision of elementary schools armed to the teeth as if the way to solve gun violence is to add more guns to the mix.

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,” LePierre insisted.

Okay. You’re crazy, sturd-crazy.

Ronald Reagan’s name is mentioned in this post.

I’m drunk.

This was unintended. I knew I needed to write a Turd of the Week™ post. The orphans of America need it. The widows of America need it. The widowed orphans of America need it.

But let’s say it: I’m in a bit of a slump. Does that make you feel better, you widowed orphans with your gruel and your tears and your “please, sir, I want some more”? I bet it does. I bet it feels just as good as a second helping of slop slopped into a dented bowl.

So I opened a bottle of wine and poured it down my gullet, hoping the fermented grapes would help me on my turd vision quest.

There is a veritable turd cornucopia happening in D.C. at this moment. The Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, is underway. Ann Coulter has stated that only pretty girls are right-wing. The name Ronald Reagan has been mentioned 5,124,902,321 times. And I have heard too much…hence the drunkative drunkical drunkation drunference of 2012 sponsored by Beringer.

I really should have stuck with sussing out the “emotional” interview a “real” “housewife” had with a “real” “doctor.” I am meaning the collagen-lipped Taylor Armstrong and the celebrity-rehabbed Dr. Drew. But I gave up after one fruitless Google search and a half-hour wasted on Facebook reading people’s Pinterests.

And while they are both turds, they did not meet the stringent requirements of Turd of the Week™.

Rep. Sen. Mitch McConnell spoke at CPAC. This is him:

He said many things I didn’t understand, but then again I do not speak turtle. He ended his speech with the rallying cry: “Don’t pick on Fox News!!”

Not bad.

But then I thought I should watch Newt Gingrich’s speech. It was 30 minutes long. Thirty minutes long. It was thirty minutes long. It was as long as a sitcom rerun without the commercial break. It’s still happening. I began writing this blog post after his 10th mention of Ronald Reagan. I pick up my earbud, and he’s still talking. “The corporate tax rate should be 12 percent. Ronald Reagan,” he bleats.

And I down my second bottle and weep.

President Obama wants to declare war on the Catholic Church, Newt insists. I am thinking this has something to do with the new health care rule that requires insurance coverage for birth control. As someone who has frequent affairs, Newt should be a fan of birth control. But he’s more a fan of pandering to a crowd of people who likely also use birth control otherwise the Duggan family wouldn’t have a reality show, right?

So he’s a giant-headed giant turd.

I’m going to go pass out now. jggjkljadlkdj

The Turd Towers

I am a worrier.

I worry about my job security in the public sector. I worry that I can’t leave the hangnail on my thumb alone and will result in me peeling off all my thumb skin. I worry my exposed thumb will give me restless leg syndrome.

And I worry that my devoted readers will think I put no effort into my Turd of the Week™ segment by naming Donald Trump Turd of the Week™.

Calling Trump a turd is akin to calling a rose a rose or Trump a shameless self-promoting megalomaniacal dickhead.

Nonetheless, readers, nonethemore, his turdishness stood out among all the other floaters in the toilet bowl by his ridiculous announcement of his upcoming announcement of his endorsement of an announcement of announcement. Yes, Donald Trump was going to open his big fat mouth, stretch his overused vocal cords and say something no one in the world should ever care about…..and the media was there to faithfully cover it all.

“I’m here to announce that my hair is made 100 percent out of Trump steaks.”

He tried to be sneaky by making some media outlets think he was going to endorse an overgrown baby for president.

“Don’t worry Newt, ol’ buddy ol’ pal, I’ve got a spot for you on “Celebrity Apprentice XXMMVXC.” It will also feature another baby, the baby from the E*TRADE commercials.

The Today show sent a turnip to Las Vegas to get the scoop. “…” said the turnip because turnips cannot speak. Others said “Trump’s a showman.” So is the guy who makes balloon animals at the county fair.

Trump had toyed with the idea of running for president himself. But then he realized it would be difficult to file bankruptcy for the entire country like he did for his own businesses.

Trump instead endorsed another really rich guy who could care less about the very poor. I’m paraphrasing. Republican presidential frontrunner Mitt Romney actually said “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” The very poor responded “We’re too hungry to even be able to process your statement. Oh and pfffftttttt.”

Donald Trump talked lots and lots. So do his comb-over. He mentioned China and laughter and blop. His hair flopped around with emphasis. And then his hair said: “Blippetedy bleep bleep Mitt Romney” and people applauded wildly because they are paid to do so. And then Trump checked out Mittens’ wife and said “And by the way this is a great couple, will you look at this couple” and people cheered somewhat uncomfortably and then awkwardly looked at their shoes.

And then Trump the showman finished with a twirl: “Mitt is tough. He’s smart. He’s sharp. He’s not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country we love. He will eat all the very poor and then crap them out in a productive manner. His wife has a great rack. Gov. Romney go out and get ‘em. You can do it.”

Well turded, hairpiece. Well turded.

My Important Breakthrough

I hate being ignorant of the important issues.

But luckily TV exists, and I turn it on quite often so I can learn.

Today I learned that some women have issues with toilet paper.

We seriously need to get a handle on this before we colonize the moon. I really don’t want to pack up my stuff and then unpack all my stuff, and then watch my stuff get ruined by someone’s bathroom situation floating into my moon pod. I am unsure if using the term “bathroom situation” is an example of “cutesy stuff” that one woman in the commercial is vehement about stopping, but I really want to avoid poopy and pee-pee mingling with my little bunny foo-foo.

I must confess, I wish the commercial went into a little more detail about the cause of the problem. It mentions the toilet paper helps protect against “breakthrough,” but I’m not sure I completely understand what that means. Are these women using the toilet paper at the same time they’re relieving themselves? Because that seems counterintuitive.

Before I delve further, I would like to offer an apology to Les of Best Bathroom Books. This is really treading onto his territory. My intention was to write about Taco Bell offering breakfast. This was a serious news story featured on the Today show. But then later this afternoon, a woman said “It’s time to get real about what happens in the bathroom.” And I thought, okay?

I wonder if there is any way to connect Taco Bell breakfast food with going to the bathroom in such a manner it causes breakthrough? Hmmm…..no, I’m stumped.

I get problems for the newly potty trained, like I understand those Charmin commercials with the young bear, and how he always has a parade’s worth of toilet paper sprinkled like confetti all over his hind quarters. And then his mom looks at his rear to examine how well he wiped himself. Actually, no I don’t understand those commercials.

It is time to talk about clean, as one woman says in the commercial, and feeling clean is soooooo important, as states another. I don’t want to sound braggy, but I manage to wipe myself without spraying the walls and ceiling with fecal matter (I do sound braggy, don’t I? Darn it). I get the impression that that is not the case for the women and their families in this commercial.

I think if we can turn a Taco Supreme® into a Grande Skillet Burrito®, we can wipe our asses in a manner that will not make us sorry we just ate that Grande Skillet Burrito®.

And only then can we conquer the moon.

Road Trip

Dear Gentle Readers,

I have taken a break from Matt Lauer, the Today show and turds to take a trip down memory lane. Angie Z of the always sensational Childhood Relived, invited me to her blog for some needed respite from the stresses of the present such as watching Newt Gingrich pretend indignation. If you have not guessed from the title of her blog, Angie writes about her childhood so I thought it appropriate to share a tale from my own–and as to be suspected, it involves turds or more specifically a giant turd named “Brenda” who made my life miserable at day camp. Read more here. And then check out some of Angie’s posts. You will not be disappointed.

I shall be back in a few days refreshed and revived, and ready to write about reality television, celebrity divorces or whatever other turdish items get passed off as “news” on Today.

Wish you were here,

Speaker7

Turd of the Week™

We are unveiling a new weekly segment here at speaker7.wordpress.com. I say “we” so if it fails miserably, I can blame it on one of my many interns and underlings who work for me–mainly my nearly 2-year-old son.

But how can it fail? It’s about everyone’s favorite topic–turds. Turds are essential for a living organism to function and for blog writing. When I wrote my first turd-related post about the turdish nature of Dr. Phil, my number of subscribers shot through the roof (source: Speaker7’s imagination). Little known fact: Sculptor Gutson Borglum used Dr. Phil’s head as a model when carving the faces of the United States’ presidents into Mount Rushmore because Dr. Phil’s head is close to the actual size of the sculpture give or take a few yards.

I will now take a few questions.

Speaker7, how can you possibly settle on only one turd a week when there are an abundance of turds featured daily on the Today show?

That’s a great question.

What do you mean by the word “turd”?

When someone is labeled a turd, it means he or she represents a piece of fecal matter.

Couldn’t that be construed as positive considering we need to evacuate our bowels to survive?

No.

When will this segment begin?

Right now. In fact I even have a logo:

I can’t say this was easy. There was a lot of turdish behavior committed by complete turds this week.  Marky Mark said that turdish thing about how he would have stopped the 9/11 terrorists if he had been on the plane. Newt Gingrich likely said something horrible about poor people or will during the presidential debate tonight in South Carolina. But the turd who stuck out the most, in my opinion, is U.S. Rep. Peter King.

The reason he stuck out the most is that I watched Matt Lauer interview him on the Today show today, and I remembered how much I cannot stand him. He has requested the Defense Department investigate whether the Obama administration leaked classified information about the raid on Osama bin Laden to two producers making a film because nothing else of import is occurring at the moment. He has no proof of this, which is why he asked for an investigation. I have no proof that Peter King eats live babies for breakfast, which is why I’m asking for an investigation.

But what I really enjoy most about King is his spot-on impression of Sen. Joseph McCarthy although Pete isn’t ferreting out communists, just Americans who happen to be Muslim. He plans to hold some more (!) investigations into American Muslims next month. Why? “It’s there and that’s where the threat is coming from at this time.”

Well turded, Pete, well turded.

Happy Anniversary Today Show

In 1952, a network birthed a news show that would summarize the top stories of the day in a manner that would make you feel as if no news was happening at all.

This week, we celebrate by looking back on the top stories the Today show brought into the homes of Americans over the past 60 years.

Black-and-white footage of some old-time anchor straining a donut with a sieve.

News.

It was a simpler time, Matt Lauer narrates. When men were men, children played simply in the streets, and African-Americans enjoyed the simplicity of using facilities designated just for them. Eddie Fisher played on the radio, and gays and lesbians played in the closet. Americans enjoyed their prosperity, and women enjoyed the three to four career paths open to them. And people barbecued simple, American food, and the developmentally disabled chowed down on the bowls of maggot-filled mush all the while chained to the floors in overcrowded mental hospitals.

Ah America….such sweet innocence.

And in that innocence, Today anchors interviewed the newsmakers like Howdy Doody, (today’s Newt Gingrich), and challenged society (can I strain a donut with an old workboot? Ah..a sieve. How genius).

How does one suitably recognize such an achievement? With a Dunkin Donut product placement of course! (source: Martha Stewart Living)

We changed people’s lives when we showed that first segment on how to strain a donut, a Today producer yells during a news meeting. America needs to be reminded of that. We need to be reminded of our roots. That stands as the single biggest news story we’ve ever covered. Show some respect!!

Some harried production assistant places a frantic phone call to a local Dunkin Donuts. Stan picks up the phone and realizes this is the moment he has been waiting for his entire lonely, pain-killer driven life.

This is it, Stan ol’ buddy boy, ol’ pal, don’t screw it up. Maybe I’ll get a spot on Cupcake Wars, Stan thinks as he grabs a grease-caked broom from the back storage closet and breaks off the bristles. Using an exacto knife, he cuts three big circles out of Coolatta boxes and rams the broom handle through all three. He frantically stacks two-day old donuts onto each tier and ends up with this:

A sculpture that makes an Edible Arrangments® fruit basket look like Michelangelo's David.

“We wanted to make sure we created something inspired by the Today show,” says Stan the Man to Matt, Ann, Al and some female anchorbot.

Well done, Stan. I don’t think I could have made anything better.

I Resolve to Read this Post

A new year is soon approaching unless you live in another part of the world where it actually already is Jan 1. I may be American, but I realize people live elsewhere, and that is one of my resolutions–to repress my jingoism.

USA! USA! USA! Sorry just had to get one last chant out before the close.

I also resolve to return to my art that once was a main staple of this blog.

Price: $5,321,245,999.99

I am not the only one with grand ambitions this year. Many people and entities (since corporations are technically people in the sense they can spend as much as the cost of my artwork on political campaigns and crush the soul of the world) are starting the new year off right with some brand-spanking new resolutions. Let’s resolve to slog through them for auld lang syne’s sake.

Charlie Sheen

“I resolve to refrain from speaking unless I have something of value to say. Regretfully, I will now not say anything for the rest of the year.”

Dr. Phil McGraw

“I resolve to donate my gigantic head to science immediately. This will be a win-win for those with elephantitis of the head and those who have accidentally caught my television show and heard the absolutely appalling turidsh advice I give to my guests.”

Presidential contender and professional crier Newt Gingrich

“Ditto what the big-headed turd just said.”

NBC’s new sitcom Are You There, Chelsea?

“We resolve to make Whitney look good by being the worst sitcom on NBC.”

ABC’s new sitcom Work It:

“We resolve to make Are You There, Chelsea look good by being the worst sitcom of the millennium.”

Formerly employed 50-something actor Doug Hutchinson and his child bride Courtney Stodden

“We resolve immediately to star in our own reality television show, and continue to live our lives with dignity, taste and decorum.”

Keeping Kup Kwith Kthe Kardashians

“We resolve to focus this upcoming season on restoring Bruce Jenner’s original face, and to staying irrelevant.”

The Cream of the Crop

This horrible guy makes a business trip to Mexico to check on his factory that manufactures relaxable pickle toys, you know, those things you squeeze to relieve stress. His workers work in the most deplorable conditions imaginable–no ventilation, zero safety apparatus, rabid zombie dogs–get paid literally in peanuts and make toys that are predominately comprised of asbestos-covered lead. This guy’s biggest customers are school districts that buy his comparably cheaper relaxable pickles to hand out as character education awards to children.

On route to his factory, he stops at a roadside restaurant and indulges his insatiable appetite (I should mention that he’s nearly 400 pounds) by eating his weight in chimichangas. The last one, a deep-fried burrito filled with pork anus, sends him running to the bathroom. He throws open the stall door and encounters the filthiest toilet in the history of sewage: the seat is discolored due to a build-up of fecal matter, the toilet bowl makes a factory-farm manure lagoon seem like a mineral bath. But our hero does not care as he tugs furiously at his belt and tries to ignore the giant floating turd on top of partially decomposed shit pile.

For some reason, I thought of this when I heard Matt Lauer say Newt Gingrich had risen to the top of the field of Republican candidates running for president.

Way to go buddy!

And he’s getting a bit of a boost from a wad of cotton candy wrapped tightly around a partially digested pork-anus chimmichanga that has clogged up the toilet. I’m sorry, I meant to say he’s getting some support from Donald Trump.

Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump, and it was the first time I’ve ever witnessed a long distance hand job.

Oh, this is weird….today Donald happens to be releasing his new book (among other things), what a strange coincidence since he has also scheduled his own presidential debate on Dec. 27. His book is called Dipshits Like Me are the Reason America is Collapsing. 

“This debate isn’t going to be all about Donald Trump. You’re not going to use this to get on center stage and talk about what you believe?” Matt inquires.

This is what Donald believes:

“When I put the steaks on the grill, I tell each one ‘You’re fired.’

Matt asks Donald what he thinks about Newt’s loving characterization of poor children who know nothing of work because their parents are lazy a**holes sucking furiously at the teat of the welfare system.

“Sounds about right,” says Donald who has pocketed millions in government subsidies.

Matt asks if Donald will think about getting in the race a second time when he needs a rating boost.

If the country continue to go down the drain, Trump answers. And he is just the wad of cotton candy wrapped tightly around a partially digested pork-anus chimmichanga to stop it.

The New Phone Book’s Here! The New Phone Book’s Here!

I have won an award.

I would like to quote the immortal words of another award winner to express my gratitude:

“Really poor children, in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works. So they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday. They have no habit of staying all day, they have no habit of I do this and you give me cash unless it’s illegal.”

Newt Gingrich said these words while accepting the World’s Biggest Humanitarian Award.

I’m sorry, I misread that. It was the BDFWTSDL Award or the Biggest Dick Figuratively with the Smallest Dick Literally Award.

Emma Burcart bestowed the Liebster Blog award upon my bloggy head. She was unsure of the meaning of the German word, and mistakenly thought it meant a lobster dinner with Liam Neeson. Little did she know that I happen to be quite the German scholar, or a weiner schnitzel as they spreck in Donnie Deutsch. I took four–entschuldigung Sie bitte–viere Jahre in high schule and know from my intensive studiching that Liebster means “ham steak.”

I would like to say danke to Emma for the support and very nice comments. She has said she’s actually drooled when reading this blog. My secret is dousing myself in Axe body spray before I write since commercials tells me this will cause people to go wild, and I never doubt the veracity of commercials.

There is a Liebster Blog criteria to follow.

Evening wear is first:

Shoo-in. Yes, not at all creepy…looks really, really…um….pretty. Yup.

Followed by swimsuit and talent.  My talent is my swimsuit.

Evidence:

Am I the only one thinking this looks a tad Michael Jacksonesque?

And lastly onstage questions.

If you can change one thing in the world, what would it be?

I would spell Sunday as Sundae and then I would eat a Sunday because that would have to be changed from Sundae to Sunday.

How would you resolve the conflict in the Middle East?

Yes.

What cutbacks have you had to make resulting from the recession?

I no longer put Craisins in my cereal. Instead I use orphan tears.

I win:

There she is…..wait, what is that?

I’ve just been informed that all this pageantry was for naught, and that I should be recognizing five other newish bloggers rather than dolling myself up to look like Michael Myers to win competitions that only exist in my mind.

It is hard to narrow down to five because there are many that I like, but if I don’t do this I won’t get to fill my mouth with ham steak or Liebster.

Here are bloggers that would score well in evening wear and/or talent swimwear:

Angie Z of Childhood Relived – In a way I am giving the award to myself because we have yet to determine whether or not we are each other alter egos. The one difference is her photographic memory of everything from her childhood (or my childhood?), which makes her blog standout. That and her talent swimwear, which manifests itself in incredibly smart and funny writing. She reminds me of David Sedaris especially in couture

Les of Best Bathroom Books – Judging by the name, one would assume Les writes about bodily functions, and that is true. But it’s in an incredibly smart way not an Adam-Sandler-I-Just-Shat-This-Script-Out-Of-My-Ass-To-Add-Another-Billion-To-My-Pile-Of-Money kind of way. His blog also contains some of the sharpest social commentary I’ve seen, kinda in the style of George Carlin. His talent swimwear is understanding the importance of dress codes.

Patrick and Gilly of It Happens Every Day – I should mention that I was briefly married to Gilly for 72 hours and Patrick is the top apostle in Speaker7ism so this may seem like nepotism, but they were chosen because their blog is a great representation of the stuff that happens every day, e.g.,  non-stop Skyrim playing, no-shaving competitions, stripper polls, Yankee candle pilgrimages–you know, every day stuff.

Nancy of Not Quite Old – I’ve been following Nancy pretty much since wordpress birthed me into existence. She has the amazing ability to write a hilariously meandering post one day and a charming, touching post the next.

Jo Eberhardt of the Happy Logophile- Logophile, I believe is a German word, for someone who files logos. Amazingly her blog transcends that hobby and is a great mix of posts on writing and general absurdities.

There are many other bloggers I love to read, but as I said the ham steak has limited me to five because more can cause bloat. These other fantastic bloggers are listed in my blogroll.

Oh, and I’m suppose to post the award. I changed it a little to accurately reflect the meaning of the word.