new year

Top 10 Turds of 2012

You may be aware, I run a weekly segment titled Turd of the Week™.*

*Full disclosure: This is not weekly. It’s more of a sporadic segment, but I like Turd of the Week™ moreso than Sporadic Turd™ .

You may also be aware that 2012 is quickly coming to a close, and what better way to ring in the new year than honor some truly spectacular shitball behavior.

I combed the extensive archives (not really), and have put together a top 10 list saluting such incredible craptastic turding.

Yes, Donald Trump is on this list–he, in fact, could be the entire list. I’m also recognizing a completely new turd who has tooted some pretty turdtastic statements in the past couple of days.

1. Donald Trump

The Turd

The Turd Donald had quite the year. It seemed every time I turned on the TV, he was surpassing his latest bout of idiocy with some assblasting tomfoolery.

He started off the year making media outlets believe they should broadcast the things that he says. We would get reports the Trump was going to make a big annoucement about the Republican presidental candidates or the fact his hair is made out of hamster bedding, then reports guessing what he would say and finally the actual announcement. All this while real news was occurring.

He jumped on the birther train and rode it straight to Batshit Crazy, USA.

He challenged Pres. Obama to release his college transcripts in exchange for a fake donation to a charity like Trump Steaks Inc.  When Hurricane Sandy overshadowed his giant gaping maw, he got on the news extending the deadline.

And then finally, election night, he tweeted the election was a sham cuz the guy who got the most votes won and that we should revolt. Turd-a-licious.

2. Donald TrumpBill O’Reilly

Bill O'Turdly

Bill is not about Bill, people.  He is never about self-promotion so when he blathered on forever about the media exploitation of Whitney Houston’s death while promoting his latest historical fantasy novel, it was because he cares.

He cares when he says things like: “Whitney Houston wanted to kill herself. Nobody takes drugs for that long if they want to stay on the planet.”

And this after the 2012 election: “It’s not a traditional America anymore, and there are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff. They want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama.”

And never forget: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam. What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.”

Falafel Turdafel.

3. Donald TrumpRush Limbaugh

Rush Turdball

Do I really need to explain this one? I gave Limpball a turd cigar during his whole women-who-use-birth-control-are-sluts phase (1981-present). Remember that fun? Sandra Fluke was a “slut” because she wanted her birth control covered under her insurance plan so it was like “she wants to be paid to have sex.”

Unbelievable, expecially coming from a Missouri Hall of Fame treasure who said this: “When women got the right to vote, is when it all went downhill.”

I vote Big Fat-Headed Turd.

4. Donald TrumpDarrell Issa

issaturdThe former car thief congressman famously summoned an all male-panel to discuss vaginal domination “religious freedom.”

Old pot-bellied men grumbled over how female contraception meant less possibilities for virgin births, and Issa readily shut down any requests for the ladies to speak on a topic that was essentially about women’s health..er…I mean god stuff. Wasn’t there some sewing the ladies could attend to? Those wrinkles aren’t going to iron out themselves.

He issa turd.

5. Donald TrumpRichard Mourdock

richardmurdick

This little beauty resurrected the Turd of the Week™ segment by plopping out this statement: “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

That takes a strong bowel to say God is rape’s cheerleader.

Murdick can share his turd award with that other turdface Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” comment.

So sorry you turds lost your elections.

6. Donald TrumpNewt Gingrich

newty-turd

Giant babyman Newt Gingrich spews many horrible things out of his melon-sized head. I turded him after suffering through his long-winded speech before the Conservative Political Action Conference, but he, like Trump, could be a weekly winner.

Why just a few days ago, he said this gem: “(S)chool administrators should be trained and should have arms that are available under lock and key.” According to Newt, if Dawn Hochsprung–or “that principal” as Newt put it–had been able to kill the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooter first, she would saved a number of lives.

I think I speak for many when I say: Shut the fuck up forever.

7. Donald TrumpTami Fitzgerald

Turdi Fitzgerald

Finally! A woman enters the sewage arena. I gave Tami a nice turd cake topper for her turdish stance against gay marriage. Tami is one of those people who enjoys attributing horrible things to God to get away with saying some horrible homophobic stuff.

According to Tami, God designed marriage, and is directly responsible for that uncomfortable feeling you get when you watch a 12-year-old boy slide a garter up a 45-year-old woman’s leg at a wedding reception. God flips out when people ruin weddings by marrying people they love who happen to share the same set of gentalia because it completely ruins that tradition. Two garter belts! What the fuck are you going to do with that!

8. Donald TrumpGeraldo Rivera

geraldon't

Mario-brother Impersonator Geraldo Rivera is all about keeping it realz, yo. He makes the list for blaming the hoodie on Trayvon Martin’s shooting death, and saying the word “gangsta” in the most grating way possible.

He gets more hair added to his turd’s mustache for saying a “faith-based man” couldn’t possibly have committed the acts of the Sandy Hook shooter.

Whateva gangsturd.

9. Donald TrumpTerry England

Turdy England

Georgia State Rep. Terry England received the turd honor when he compared women to livestock. In a discussion about a bill prohibiting abortion after 20 weeks, England thought it was appropriate to share his experience watching his cows deliver stillborn babies. It was tough on the ol’ birds, but they could do it so why can’t the ladies, amirite fellas?

Salt of the turd, that one.

10. Donald TrumpWayne LaPierre

Wayne-LaTurd

I have not written much about the Sandy Hook school shootings. I am a loss for what to say. I read stories about funerals held for six and seven year olds, and I’m a blubbering mess. I feel this way not just because I’m a parent and a teacher responsible for countless little innocents, but because I’m a person.

That’s why I found Wayne LePierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, particularly turd-worthy. A day after Newtown buried Josephine Grace Gay, 7, the last of the slain children, LePierre was on “Meet the Press” saying the NRA will continue to fight any new measures limiting gun purchases. He continued his crazed vision of elementary schools armed to the teeth as if the way to solve gun violence is to add more guns to the mix.

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,” LePierre insisted.

Okay. You’re crazy, sturd-crazy.

I Resolve to Read this Post

A new year is soon approaching unless you live in another part of the world where it actually already is Jan 1. I may be American, but I realize people live elsewhere, and that is one of my resolutions–to repress my jingoism.

USA! USA! USA! Sorry just had to get one last chant out before the close.

I also resolve to return to my art that once was a main staple of this blog.

Price: $5,321,245,999.99

I am not the only one with grand ambitions this year. Many people and entities (since corporations are technically people in the sense they can spend as much as the cost of my artwork on political campaigns and crush the soul of the world) are starting the new year off right with some brand-spanking new resolutions. Let’s resolve to slog through them for auld lang syne’s sake.

Charlie Sheen

“I resolve to refrain from speaking unless I have something of value to say. Regretfully, I will now not say anything for the rest of the year.”

Dr. Phil McGraw

“I resolve to donate my gigantic head to science immediately. This will be a win-win for those with elephantitis of the head and those who have accidentally caught my television show and heard the absolutely appalling turidsh advice I give to my guests.”

Presidential contender and professional crier Newt Gingrich

“Ditto what the big-headed turd just said.”

NBC’s new sitcom Are You There, Chelsea?

“We resolve to make Whitney look good by being the worst sitcom on NBC.”

ABC’s new sitcom Work It:

“We resolve to make Are You There, Chelsea look good by being the worst sitcom of the millennium.”

Formerly employed 50-something actor Doug Hutchinson and his child bride Courtney Stodden

“We resolve immediately to star in our own reality television show, and continue to live our lives with dignity, taste and decorum.”

Keeping Kup Kwith Kthe Kardashians

“We resolve to focus this upcoming season on restoring Bruce Jenner’s original face, and to staying irrelevant.”

The Year in Review of the Century

Fantastic news, everybody!

People magazine has unveiled its top stories of 2011. I can barely contain my excitement or urine–in fact I just peed all over the floor. That has been happening a lot lately. I probably should get that checked out. But there’s no time!! 2011 is rapidly coming to a close and I must know what I was suppose to care about over the last year.

What could the top stories be??????????????????????????? Let’s think…what happened this year that was important? I know braids were big, I learned that from the Today show. Also sharks and Matt Lauer’s whereabouts. Were they bigger than the tsunami in Japan? (yes)

Who’s to say? (Answer: People magazine)

I became intrigued about People magazine’s Year in Review when one of the Today show female anchors who looks like all of the other female anchors interviewed People Managing Editor Kate Coin.

“Charlie Sheen has to top any list,” the anchor says as I grind a Fisher Price toy into my temple.

“Charlie Sheen was, to use a word I think he would approve of, epic,” Kate says.

Who won the Noble Peace Prize this year?

No one knows. Winning.

People split up, got married, split up, dated, participated in competing trials of the century, played with magnetic balls, and cemented my desire to find some way to live on that new planet that’s like Earth, but hopefully has a better Year in Review wrap up.

1. Top story, obvs., was the utter destruction of civilization. Wait, I misread that. It was the royal wedding. This was the wedding of the century. Anyone out there planning a wedding between now and 2099, get ready for some major disappointment because it will not be the wedding of the century. It’s going to be a long, cruel winter of a century. But buck up, I bought you this:

Ideal for any teabagging event.

Now people are speculating when the royal shaft will penetrate the royal flower to create a royal baby, and these are people I never want to meet.  All I know is that baby will be the baby of the century. Anyone planning on having kids between now and 2099, get ready for some disappointment because your future kid will just be pure crap.

2. Royal sister with completely non canine-like name of Pippa. She was the hottest bridesmaid ever and is currently the world’s most eligible bachelorette, according to People. She is also the greatest person alive or dead, and farts diamonds.

3. 2011 most intriguing non-royal couple actress Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux. They are most intriguing because they intriguingly have sex on each other.  A pal is quoted as saying: “I am a figment of the writer’s imagination to add some credibility to this non article. Oh, and Justin and Jen are very much on the same page.”

4. Anderson Cooper’s toddler palate. The news anchor revealed to the huddled masses yearning to breathe free that he never tasted coffee or spinach. I am more intrigued by the Pristiq® ad on the following page:

Here are my questions: Why is she the only Pristiq® doll with a wind-up key in her back? Who teachers a yoga class for Pristiq® dolls? And why the fuck would anyone give a flying fig newton about Anderson Cooper’s dietary nonadventures?

5 – 262. Loudmouths; meatsuits; sham weddings; pharmaceutical ads; child molestors; hysteria; warlocks; iPhone ads passed off as “funny” celebrity articles; Oppprrraaahhhhh; pepper spray; the scourge; cupcakes on a stick; new words like “Tiger Mom” that make me hate words; loser feuds; dead people; pictures of actual news stories using less words than the story about Anderson Cooper’s pooh-pooh of spinach; pooh-pooh; Katy Perry’s peppermint tattoo; and the end of civilization.

Quite a year, my friends! I’m glad I remember none of it.