movies

Top 10 Films of 2012

In case you were unaware, 2012 will end in a few days.

This means you will see a flurry of articles that try to distinguish the cream from the curd of 2012. I received an email from Twitter alerting me to the top tweets of 2012, and I actually took moments from my life to look at it.

FYI – this was the top tweet:

donaldtrump

I wanted to add to the noise with my own 2012 wrap up, starting with the top 10 movies of the year*.

*Full disclosure: I have only seen three movies this year, and two of them were made in 2011. Ever since the baby, I have had trouble making the kind of time commitment a movie demands. The most I can give is an hour, and wine needs to be involved.

1. The Hunger Games

hungergames

I actually saw this in the movie theater, and it was made this year so obviously it makes the list. I wanted to see this because I enjoyed the novels. It was okay. I actually felt bored when Katniss was in the arena, and hearing the young audience laugh when people were slaughtered made me feel all squicky.

2. Friends with Kids

friends_with_kids_new_poster

This made the list because I saw it in 2012. It was made in 2011. And it sucked. It starred people I like, but it sucked a giant suckball. All the characters were loathsome. This should have been better and it made me angry that I wasted time that could have been spent watching an Original Lifetime Movie.

3. Cabin in the Woods

cabininthewoods

My husband had to actually remind me that we saw this. It was made in 2011. I think it was good even though I don’t remember it. But Joss Whedon, folks. Joss Whedon. I’m in the midst of rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, seasons 1-7.

4. Drew Peterson–Untouchable

drewpeterson

I understand this a Lifetime movie, but it makes my list because I saw it, and it had this:

untouchable12

That is Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson doing a strip tease before his arresting officers. And then the movie just ends. He’s twirling around singing a little va-va-vavoom ditty and boom, closing credits. That is genius.

5. Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Show

realhousewives

This is not a movie, but let me tell you, I was riveted and could have watched these “ladies” for hours. They would call each other fu-bleep cu-bleep and then embrace and cuddle and then go back to “you fu-bleep cu-bleep.” I would not recommend the show itself, but the reunion show was houswivatastic.

6-10. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter red carpet Commercial

butternot

This is not a movie, but it is the heartwarming tale of a tub of solidifed vegetable oil that finally makes it to the big time. The paparazzi is demanding it turn itself around to see the label, and when it does, the paparazzi becomes en masse “a believer.” I know this sounds somewhat artsy, but give this is a shot.

Next up: Top 10 top 10 lists.

Speaker7 Reviews Breakin’ Dawn 2: Electric Boogaloo

I saw Breaking Dawn 2 last night and it was soooooooooo good.

Full disclosure: I have not seen this movie.

I wore my Team Sparkleballs T-shirt and purchased a giant box of Good & Plenty, which I instantly Twilightized.

I made a few predictions before the movie started:

  • actors will look seriously at one another while breathing heavily out of their mouths
  • Taylor Lautner will appear shirtless
  • Kristen Stewart will eat her hair at some point
  • Robert Pattinson will look constipated

And it begins….Bella Swan Cullen, fresh off her breakin’ pop ‘n lock victory where she popped out a kid by breaking every bone in her body, has brown hair.

Edward Cullen also has brown hair. It sticks straight up.

Bella has changed. Her friend Ozone notices when he stops by to give her the heartbreaking news that Miracles, the community center, is going to be bull-dozed by the city and redeveloped.

Bella says she’s still the same down girl who rocked the street crowds back in the day.

Bella wants to save the community center. So does her friend Jacob because he is destined to be with Bella’s young daughter. This is the thing where adult werewolf men “imprint” on baby girls in the manner of a dog “imprinting” on its territory and they’re going to eventual copulate, and that is in no way gross, right?

See Turbo gets it.

Then the movie gets really interesting. The developer is also a vampire and he dresses like Meryl Streep’s character in The French Lieutenant’s Woman. 

So Bella, Edward, Ozone and Turbo get together all their friends to put on a show to raise money to stop the developer.

Now I don’t want to give the ending away, but let’s just say Edward does a mean dolphin, which is surprising since he’s made out of marble.  

All in all, an epic romp filled with inexplicable dance montages and weird running. I give it 3 vampire baseballs*

*this rating system does not exist

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). If you have any suggestions that don’t involve actually watching anything Twilight-related, please leave them in the comments.

A Trip Down Horror Lane

It’s that time of year.

The time when one has engorged oneself on countless bags of mini-snickers that one was able to procure regularly from the massive Halloween candy pile on display since early August.

The time when an avid TV viewer can turn on the channel, and see Michael Myers dough-boy face looking impassively back at her.

The time to watch horror movies.

This time of year takes me back to the days when a young Speaker7 put a steak knife under her mattress for “just-in-case” purposes.

I have no business watching scary movies. It is something I cannot handle yet I cannot help myself.

By day, I am a rational pragmatic person who makes decisions based on logic and reason. But at night, that person is gone, replaced by someone who is convinced that lump of dirty clothes in the corner is, in fact, the evil spawn of Jason and Chucky.

I’ve gotten better. I know there is no way in demonic-possession I’m going to watch any of the Paranormal Activity movies. I will never see The Exorcist and I sure as shit ain’t sitting through any movie about a haunted dibbuk box some jerk bought on eBay.

I’ve learned my lesson from a childhood spent sleeping on the floor of my parent’s bedroom. It would follow the usual pattern. I would stay up late by myself watching some horrible movie on HBO. I would go to my bedroom and start panicking the moment I turned out the lights. Five minutes later, I would run down the hall to my parent’s bedroom, and pull out the mattress they kindly stowed under their bed for this very purpose.

So what were the movies that caused me to lose my shit?

1. Salem’s Lot

I don’t even remember the plot of this movie. I just know at one point this blue-looking vampire fuck was flying outside someone’s window. I thought I could protect myself by placing all my stuffed animals on the window seat by the top of the stairs. Yeah, like they could do anything. And you thought Edward Cullen’s sparklyness was frightening.

Length of time on parent’s bedroom floor: one week.

2. Amityville Horror II: The Possession

Yes, okay, the house is filled with some demon spirit that possesses the older brother who then shoots his entire family to death. My house was not filled with evil spirits, but did have an older brother who once chased me around the house with a weed-whacker so–wait, why am I watching this?!?

Length of time on parent’s floor: a month (“More like a year.” — Speaker7’s mom).

3. Friday the 13th

I don’t remember the name of my kindergarten teacher, but I sure as shit remember a bald-headed Jason popping out of the water and grabbing the last remaining camp counselor by the neck and pulling her underwater.

Length of time on parent’s floor: a week

4. Rosemary’s Baby

I would still watch this movie. I think I might have even watched it while pregnant because I am a big genius. To this day I think tarragon is tannis root, and I’m always suspicious of it.

Length of time on parent’s floor: a week.

5. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

I know technically this is not a horror movie, but I just have two words for you: Oompa Loompa.

Length of time on parent’s floor: 0, but I wanted to, I really wanted to.

6. The Shining

The little boy with the talking finger, the elevator of blood, the deranged father–yes this is the stuff of nightmares, but they got nothing on those twins, man. Those creepy-as-shit twins. I would make out with a decaying old woman any day of the week over having a conversation with those twins.

Length of time on parent’s floor: six weeks

7. Nightmare on Elm Street

I thought I could handle this one by watching it with the volume turned completely off, a boom-box playing Duran Duran and multiple bags of salt-and-vinegar Wise potato chips, my number one comfort food. Didn’t work.

Length of time on parent’s floor: two months.

8. Scream

Okay, so technically I was not a child when Scream was released in theaters. I was more like in the 20-year-old range. I saw this when I was home for the Christmas holiday and it’s very likely that I snuck into my parent’s room and slept on their floor and snuck out in shame very early the next morning before they woke up.

Length of time on parent’s floor: one embarrassing night.

So what movies have caused you sleepless nights?

Casting Ana Steele

Who will play Ana Steele in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie?

This is a very powerful role. Ana is the most beguiling, charming, strong, intelligent, and ambitious woman on the planet.

Wait…what the fuck did I just write? (Thanks Le Clown for freeing me)

Christian Grey says those adjectives a bajillion times in the trilogy, but in no instances do we ever see these qualities in Miss Steele. (To read my recraps, click here) Instead we know that Ana is always “wet and ready” and she can come on Christian’s command, and she reads, and she is a brunette, and, she thinks “Holy crap” ad infinitum, and she judges other women, and she thinks Christian only likes her because he’s “fifty shades fucked up” and she sometimes walks around with vaginal balls in her “down there.”

A couple of names have been tossed about. (For Christian casting, click here) I believe they are all Emma or Emily, and I believe they have last names that distinguish them. But frankly, they will never do the part justice.*

*Full disclosure: I searched for Ana Steele casting on the Internetz and I fell asleep so I’m making most of this up.

Ana responds to commands and Scooby snacks quite well. It makes one surmise that maybe this actress should take the part:

You are right, Lassie. You actually save people–and not with your magical dog vagina.

A dog is a good choice, but perhaps one that is more slobbery and dum. Like Odie from the comic Garfield. Odie continually gets kicked off the table by Garfield, but always comes back for more.

Sorry Odie, no offense.

Maybe the ideal candidate is one that is not actually life-like, but truly encompasses the essences of Anabella Steele.

Here are my top five picks

5. A wet piece of bread.

What can one do with a wet piece of bread? Nothing.

Totally nailed it.

4.  A pair of holey underwear.

Many times, Christian pokes his fingers through Ana’s underwear and they disintegrate (the underwear, not his fingers). This seems like ideal casting. The underwear is partially gone. It chaffs one’s ass. It’s annoying as lasagna-eating cat. It has no value.

Bingo.

3. A used tissue

Yup.

2. The watery stuff that shoots out of the ketchup bottle that makes one curse because it’s gross and who the fuck wants that slimy shit on one’s hamburger.

I call this Ketchup Spooge. The same thing I call Ana Steele.

1. E.L. James

Yes, Dr. Frankenstein, you have created a monster. A monster you should play. A monster, I think, you want to play. Have at it, you gajillionaire hack.

Next up: brain transplants.

Casting Call: Christian Grey

Who will portray the venerable protagonists Ana Steele and Christian Grey in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie?

This has been quite the guessing game with such actors like Matt Bomer and Ian Somerhalder being bandied about for the part of the dashing and enigmatic Christian Grey. Frankly I don’t think either will do the part justice.*

*Full disclosure: I have no idea who either person is.

I feel I know Christian intimately from reading all three books in the trilogy (for recraps, click here). I know he smolders. I know he curls his lips and arches his brow. I know he wears his pants off his hips in just that way. I know he likes to stick his fingers in various holes to check Ana’s humidity.

To portray Christian Grey, one must possess the charm of Girls Gone Wild magnate Joe Francis, the brawn of performer Chris Brown and the soul of former Hogwarts’ student Voldemort.

I think it’s obvious that Hugo is the clear choice to take on this role.

Unfortunately Hugo is busy with other projects. He is starring as Mrs. Pearce in a local production of My Fair Lady.

But there are still several other worthy candidates to delve into the fifty shades of fuckupity that makes Christian Grey so fascinating.*

*Full disclosure: I do not know what fascinating means.

I present my top five choices:

5. Mr. Potato Head

First of all, try to name someone hotter. Didn’t think so. Second, he possesses the capabilities of being able to raise his eyebrows and curl his lips by the simple act of inserting the correct pieces. His arms have Christian’s talon-fingers-like quality. And B, when he wore pants, it would make sense that Ana comments on this fact 5,346 times (in the first book alone) since the pants would swim around his blue shoes.

4. Mr. Peanut

Mr. Peanut is wealthy as evidenced by his sexy monocle. He is an icon in the peanut industry much in the same manner Christian Grey is an icon in his bullshit made up company of nonsense. He also tastes salty, and I’ve just been informed by Ana that is exactly how Christian tastes. And he’s nuts. Just envision the tagline on the movie poster: Is Ana’s magical vag strong enough to crack his shell?

3. A bottle of Axe Body Spray

Ana is always stupiding about Christian smelling like Christian-smell. I interpret that to mean Axe Body Spray. Commercials have led me to believe that women cannot resist the smell of cheap cologne mixed with sweaty desperation, and nearly every woman (except the lesbians) in the books go limp in the panties at the sight of Christian Grey. My only quibble is that the bottle should be completely gray. Get it? Get it? Yeah, I don’t either.

2. Ted Bundy as played by Mark Harmon since Ted Bundy is dead

I think it’s pretty obvious that Christian Grey hates women, yes? Oops! I mean he loves them. *Sigh* He is so dreamy especially in the way he abuses loves Ana. I do think there’s a 98% chance that he’s likely killed a few of his submissives “accidentally,” for example accidentally dropping the cattle prod into the bathtub. But I’m sure he did it in a really charming, sexy way so no biggie. Tee-hee!

1. Nosferatu

He is the total package. He’s rich. His fingers are actually claws–not just talon-like. He is as sexy as a package of Necco wafers coated in asbestos. He sparkles. . . wait I’ve just been informed that is not a characteristic of real vampires. And he kills people. This is Christian Grey, people. Sign this man…er…monster up. That’s a wrap!

Next up: Who will portray the grease stain that is Ana Steele?

Nothing Will Sink This Battleship

I played Battleship with my brother. We would take turns and say things like “B7″ and “Miss” and “H10″ and “Hit”. I remember distinctly thinking: This needs to be a screenplay. 

My eyes swept the board imagining how amazing it would look on a movie screen:

The holes would be so big and the pegs would be so massive.  And the ships would be so much more plasticky. But then I thought: I can barely assemble that miniature guillotine I’m making in technology class. This is something for the big guns. . . if they ever had the balls to take on such a complex story.

Well holy sink-my-battleship! It is coming to the big screen in a mere two weeks. And the trailer looks awesome, at least I imagine it does because I have yet to sit through the whole thing. And it has Rihanna! And ships! And explosions! And rock music! And aliens!  Just as I remember.

Amazing! I can’t wait to watch it five years from now on TBS when I’m hungover from a night of playing Cranium–which would make a terrible movie. But you know what would make a great movie?

Connect 4.

Tagline: If we can connect 4, why can’t we connect for real?

Jani is an uptight television producer who is married to her job. Caleb is a slacker who spends his days sculpting black checkers. They’re neighbors, and in real life, can’t stand one another, but in the greatest plot twist since an alien sunk a tanker ship with giant red peg, they form a connection on a new online dating site Connect 4 Life.

Not a fan of romantic comedies? Then try:

Sorry

Tagline: If these two guys can say sorry, the bad guys will be sorrier.

It’s Detective John Jenson’s retirement day. He expects to go out with a whimper not a bang, but he wasn’t counting on being assigned a crazy new partner on his last day on the job. Kip Kipplewhipple is a loose cannon who plays by his own rules. He might move five steps forward but then take seven steps backwards. The two will have to learn to work together when the chief’s daughter is kidnapped by cubic zirconia smugglers.

More of a fan of psycho-sexual thrillers? Then check out:

Twister

Tagline: You can twist all you want, but sometimes you get knots.

Nick Scar can’t be held down by any woman. He calls the shots, but he wasn’t expecting to get twisted up in Erica Chambertonfield’s dark world. She is beautiful, exciting and possibly deadly. Nick can’t get enough. He finds himself being put in positions he never thought possible–his right foot by his head, his left hand stretched back by his butt. It’s so exciting, but what happened to Erica’s former lovers? They disappeared she says nonchalantly giving the wheel another spin.

And for those more partial to uplifting dramas, I give you:

Life

tagline: Life–where you make the rules.

Carl Donaldson is your average joe, working an average job and living an average life. But averageness is not enough for Carl. It’s time to get out there and start living. He quits his job as a thumb factory quality assurance officer, and hops into his car. He picks up a new job as a lawyer, finds a wife, a blue boy and a pink girl and buys fire, life and auto insurance. He then retires and dies–all in the span of 20 minutes.

10 Top Films of 2011

It’s nearly the end of 2011, which means many magazines, websites, blogs and STD pamphlets will publish the top 10 whatevers of 2011 (heads up: gonorrhea was huge this year). I do not want to be like a child getting left behind due to poor policies like No Child Left Behind so I am also coming up with my top 10 whatevers for 2011. Today’s feature is the top 10 movies of 2011.

Here’s a teensy tiny glitch….I have only seen three movies this year. This may seem like an insurmountable problem, but as Sarah Palin once said “Ignorance only makes you stronger” *wink* so I am as strong as a prairie dog. I have no idea what a prairie dog is, but my gut tells me it is the strongest of the dinosaurs.  And more importantly, you don’t like this list than you pal around with terrorists.

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 – This one was particularly fantastic because I actually left my house and saw this in a movie theater. And I didn’t have to listen to a baby monitor throughout the whole thing. And it was good! If I had actually seen 10 or more movies this year, this likely would have still made the top 10.

2. Bridesmaids – This one I saw at home. There was a baby monitor playing in the background and I really struggled over committing two hours of my evening to this when I could be sleeping or….yeah sleeping is pretty much it. But this makes my top 10 because it was one of three movies I saw this year, and Wilson Phillips sang in it and that made me think back to the time when I was young and thought I had a future.

3. Horrible Bosses – I saw this at home too. The magazines and websites led me to believe that this was a raucous comedy, and I believe many writers confused the word “raucous” with “one-note.” I love Jason Bateman. I love Charlie Day. But I did not love this movie. It is in my top 10 because it is one of three movies I saw this year.

4. Jack and Jill – I did not see this, but can only imagine it is a raucous “comedy.” Adam Sandler plays Jack. Believe it or not, he also plays Jill. How did he do that? He put on a wig and some earrings. Jack and Jill go up a hill to fetch a pail of water and they plummet to their deaths. If this is not what happened, it is what should have happened.

5. What’s Your Number? – I did not see this, but can only imagine it is a raucous, romantic “comedy.” Anna Faris plays a cardboard cutout who learns from a necessary plot point that women who let many men penetrate them will die as used-up prune whores. So she revisits the men she let penetrate her to see if she can marry one of them. Some other guy is in this and he is totally not right for her, but then he is and yet they both die as used-up prune whores.

6. I Don’t Know How She Does it Or Why This Movie Was Made – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a you-go-girl chick lit “masterpiece.” It stars Sarah Jessica Parker as shrieking cartoon character who wants to have her job and children, and eat them too. She does–and it causes her to explode.

7. No Strings or Brain Stems Attached – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a raucous, romantic “comedy.” It stars Ashton Kutcher as a greasy porkchop and Natalie Portman as an easy paycheck. The two characters bump up on each other until the friction causes them to ignite their true feelings but also the accelerant that eventually consumes them in a ball of fire.

8. Something Borrowed or Another Terrible Movie with Kate Hudson – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a raucous, romantic “comedy.” It stars Ginnifer Goodwin as a Cathy cartoon who crushes on Dex, who happens to be engaged to a Cathy cartoon’s best friend, or cat.  She eats ice cream. The cat shrieks, scratches and takes dumps in a penthouse-style litter box. In the final confrontation, all characters are killed by a Transformer-7: Michael-Bay-Must-Be-Stopped trash compactor.

9. Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a searing drama. It stars Thomas, a tank engine, who hears a prophecy from a trio of witches that he will soon be pulling the express line, a job held by his friend Gordon. He alerts his wife, Lady Thomas, who hatches a plan to have Thomas murder Gordon when Gordon stays at their villa on the island of Sodor. When Thomas ascends to the throne of express train, he becomes more and more disturbed by all he has done and is driven mad.

This is my list of 10. I hope they inform your movie-making choices over the next 10 years, 2012-2021.

Next up: Top 10 STDs.

What all Women Wish For

I’m going to talk about the Genie Bra™.

The Genie Bra™ is what all women wish for. If I talk about the Genie Bra™ then I won’t have to think about Paranormal Activity 3 and my intention to write about my inability to watch horror films.

Is this you? (Try to envision a woman vigorously yanking on bra straps) Do you feel like you’re in a constant battle with willful bra straps that won’t do what they’re told? I swear every time that g-ddamn Paranormal Activity 3 trailer comes on, I can never find the g-ddamn remote and I have to see those little girls say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror. You can write Bloody Mary without getting into trouble, correct? Typing Blood Mary into a screened device is not the same as saying it three times into a mirror. I guess you just have to be careful not to write it three times. . . aw sh*t.

Does your underwire cut into your skin? (try to envision a woman jabbing her bra fasteners into her back several times) I really don’t know what my problem is. I am an extremely rational person and don’t normally give into hysterics even when my bra’s underwire is slicing into my skin, but when I watch a horror movie, I am convinced I will bring that horror upon myself. I placed all my stuffed animals on a window seat by the stair landing to protect me from the vampires in Salem’s Lot. I spent most of my childhood sleeping on a single mattress on the floor of my parent’s bedroom after I thought watching Amityville 2 would be a good idea. This would happen again and again after watching countless horror movies I clearly could not handle. In fact the last time I slept on my parent’s floor, I was 26. They were so proud.

Does this look like you? (Envision a woman in a red turtleneck with what looks like two sea urchins under her shirt) I actually read the Wikipedia entry on Paranormal Activity 3 to prepare for this blog post, and I clicked the links for the plot summaries for the first two. So now I know what these movies are about without actually having seen them. This was insanity on my part. Everything’s fine now because it’s a nice, sunny Sunday afternoon. But it will soon be night. I will go to bed before my husband because he is a night owl, and I will be convinced the closet door will open on its own and some evil spirit will beckon to me. One night after inadvertently catching the entire trailer, I must have turned on my bedroom light 405 times to “investigate” the “noise” I just heard.

Isn’t it time you stopped your daily struggle with uncomfortable bras that prevent you from looking your best? (Envision a woman twisting and tugging at her bra as if she’s trying shake important information out of it) “There’s got to be another way,” says one uncomfortable-bra-ed woman. I can’t tell you how many times I have woken up in the middle of a piercing scream. It is very unsettling for the people who live in the same house. I think what bothers me most is many of these movies aren’t even very good, but yet they stick into my subconscious like a sea urchin to a turtleneck. I wish I could get my hands on some type of wish-granting device like a Genie Bra™ to wish my fear away because there’s got to be another way.

Oh, here’s what the Genie Bra™ looks like:

Now only 3 easy payments of $19.99!!