holidays

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The game is still afoot as Scooby Doo once said to Shaggy.

Head over to Le Clown’s Rodeo Hour to see what the blazes I’m talking about.

Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

If you guess right, you will be entered into a drawing to win something fantastic like the chance to do my laundry for a month–but even better!

Previous posts:

Gift-Giving Tips

It is the time of year where giving is better than receiving and some such shit.

But what do you do if you’re stuck buying a gift for the person a) who has everything or b) you know very little about or c) I’m bored right now.

Here are some fantastic suggestions:

For the wine connoisseur and/or alcoholic:

giantwineglass

Comes with $25 off coupon for Promises Rehab center.

For the water enthusiast and/or strangler

waterproofstranglegloves

Waterproof stangler gloves.

For the sportsfan and/or person for whom life has no meaning:

nflpotatosack

For the time stickler and/or person you hate quite a bit, but are passive/aggressive about it

buttclock

Only $2 at Walmart.

For the art collector and/or the person who posts inspirational posts constantly on Facebook

faithfootball

Other possible “f” woods: failure, forlorn, feeble-minded, fuck, fucknut, fart, fartnozzle, etc.

For the outsdoorsy sort and/or person who has trouble deciding on whether the knife or gun is the best murder weapon

gunknifesets

And for the person who poops:

deertoiletpaperholderMerry Consumerism to all and to all a good buy!

*Thanks to the LTD Commodities website for providing all these fantastic gift ideas.

Speaker7 is nearly done with this daily posting nonsense and will soon find peace with her reindeer toilet paper holder. 

Hugo Gives Thanks

Hugo feels he has not been in the spotlight enough during the daily posting fecal maelstrom known as NaBloWriMo so I decided to let him share what he’s thankful for this Thanksgiving.

hugothanksOkay. Not too creepy. I like the hat.

hugothanks2Aw, that’s kind of sweet, Hugo.

hugothanks3Okay, this is getting a bit weird.

hugothanks4Um…

hugothanks5Maybe talk about something else?

hugothanks6Ew.

hugothanks7Uh…

hugothanks8Okay, I’m going to stop this….what? You have one more, Hugo?

Fine. Go ahead.

hugothanks9Wonderful.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Speaker7 is engorging on gravy today, the greatest day of all. She has only a few posts left thank gravy!

Holiday Etiquette

Recently, the Today show had a really compelling news segment about etiquette at holiday gatherings.

badetiquette

It mainly focused on shoes and what you should do if your host requests you take them off when you enter her house:

footjuice

Is this really a question? I could see an issue if the host asks you to insert a mini catheter into yourself so as not to defile her sparkling bathroom, but shoes in winter? Duh.

I guess it is a legitmate question because Lester Holt and an anchor I’m too lazy to look up stretched this out for nearly six minutes. They even consulted a comedian because….news.

toejamI’ll admit, I likely don’t exhibit the best etiquette. At parties, I’m usually the person standing directly in front of the potato chip bowl, shoveling potato chips into my mouth and growling at others who approach me. And I will stay there until all the chips are gone. Then I will leave and cry in a gutter.

I also don’t know if I drink from the water glass to the right or to the left of the placemat so I usually drink out of both. 

But I do–at least I think I do–have a sense of how not to behave like a fucknut at gatherings that include other human beings. Since the Today show was surprisingly unhelpful, I thought I would take over the news for awhile and provide some etiquette tips of my own.

Speaker7′s Holiday Etiquette Tips

1. Don’t be a dick.

2. Don’t deliever political diatribes especially if you are just meeting someone new. For example, don’t say “Global warming is caused by all those sluts getting abortions. What are your plans for the holidays?” That kind of kills the holiday spirit. (see #1)

3. Don’t go near the potato chip bowl.

4. Don’t go spastic if someone says “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Birth Jesus Day.” There are multiple holidays in this month and multiple belief systems and see #1.

5. Don’t make a face if you don’t like your secret Santa present. Just be thankful someone gave you something and it wasn’t a venereal disease.

6. Wash your hands frequently.

Anyone else have some tips they’d like add?

Speaker7 politely thanks you for visiting her blog and reading her writing. She is a member of Nano Poblano Team during this month of writing daily pfffttttt…..Speaking of pffttttt, Speaker7 is looking for post ideas so if you got ‘em, share ‘em. 

Lowering the Bar

I recently learned that The Tooth Fairy has been known to give children $10 for their discarded teeth.

I’ve attended children’s birthday parties that appear to cost more than my wedding. I’ve seen star charts created to award children for simply existing. Oh little Bobby is breathing so AMAZING today, isn’t he!!! Here’s $100.

This is insanity, people. Insanity. Why are some of you setting the bar this high?

When you act in this outrageous fashion it diminishes the sense of accomplishment I feel when I discover my child has a pair of clean underwear to wear.

I have no problem admitting that I routinely fail in my role as parent so perhaps I’m not the best to insist on some standard rules of engagement. But when little Timmy’s Easter haul is worth more than the GNP of Uzbekistan, I think we can all see that things have gotten out of hand.

Therefore, I think parents can agree on some basic ground rules.

1. Santa Claus. Can we establish that Santa Claus gives one gift and one gift only? And let it be kind of a crappy gift like tube socks or a box of chalky Whitman’s Sampler. This way the children feel a sort of begrudging resentment to Santa like they do when they have to write a thank you note to Great Aunt Hilda who routinely gives a box of holiday-colored sporks. Then in 10 years, let’s have Santa die in an avalanche so there can actually be peace on earth.

2. Tooth Fairy. $10 for tooth? Seriously? Fuck that noise. I say no money. I say let’s use her to our advantage to scare children into better dental hygiene. I don’t know about you, but getting my 3-year-old to brush his teeth is about as easy as getting Kayne West to stop referencing himself. Let’s instead have the Tooth Fairy leave ominous notes like “Dear little Sarah, I picked up your decayed tooth. If you don’t do a better job brushing, I’m going to come back one night and take them all. Love, the Tooth Fairy.”

3. Birthday parties.

toomuchridiculousnessThis. This right here is how you get a 9-year-old Nathaniel bitching on Twitter about how much he hates his fucking parents for buying him a black iPhone rather than a white one for his half birthday. Let’s scale back a bit, parents, shall we? Does your three-year-old really need a Marie Antoinette-themed party complete with a one-of-a-kind Palace of Versailles bouncy house and cardboard cutouts of disgruntled peasants? No. I’ve seen my son be entertained for over an hour by the simple act of throwing a tennis ball over our garbage can enclosure. Add a cake and that just became the best birthday party in his short life.

4. Easter.

fuckingnutsThere is no reasonable explanation for buying this much chocolate for one child unless your child is expecting a shiv in the back at the playground and needs some allies. All you’re doing with this display is guaranteeing you will be shelling out $70 to the Tooth Fairy in the near future. Along the same lines as Santa, let’s have the Easter Bunny give one piece of candy and let it be an elephant peanut or a Necco wafer so the kiddies won’t be too upset when the Easter Bunny is inadvertently shot and killed by Elmer Fudd in 2018.

5. Pinterest.

lastminutecostumemyass

Oh this? This is a “last-minute” Halloween costume idea. Really? Maybe on a planet were a minute is the equivalent of five months. There are many such devious DIY ideas on Pinterest that are designed to set a parent up for failure, and make you wonder where all these other parents have the time to make a DIY DeLorean time machine out of crepe paper with their children while you don’t have the energy to construct a ball from a hunk of dried-out Play-doh. How about we make this easy DIY genius responsible for your failure. Say, if you can’t easily make this, the DIY genius is forced to come to your house and make it for you. Or at least gets punched in the face.

I get that people love their kids. I do too (mine, not theirs). But we do no one any favors when that love manifests itself into over-the-top materialistic displays that leave some kids with less wondering why Santa is such a withholding dick.

Let’s lower that bar, parents. Your wallet and sanity will thank you.

Only 91 Shopping Days until Halloween

It’s easy to lose track of time in the hustle and bustle of daily life. I spend so much time taking care of my family and obsessing about Jennifer Aniston’s alleged baby bump that I nearly missed Halloween.

Luckily the local grocery store put up its Halloween candy display on July 31.

halloweendisplayI want to applaud the store for getting a jump on the holiday because seriously it would have looked like a giant wang-hole if it had waited until Aug. 1. By then, I’m completely out of the Hallow’s Eve mood, and ready for winter.

xmasAlthough I appreciate the steady drumbeat of consumerism, I’m having difficulty deciding on my Halloween costume. Normally this is locked down on June 15 so I have enough time to plan my Saxophone Day activities (Nov. 6, only 97 shopping days away!!!!!!).

I wanted to portray my favorite superhero:

carlosdangerBut I fear that it may have the shelf life of a pumpkin carved on Aug. 2 (Pumpkins should be carved on July 5, silly). And there’s a good chance that another politician will be embroiled in some other scandal that will eclipse Weiner’s wiener.

boehnerI’m feeling the pressure, a pressure that can only be relieved by ingesting 40 pounds of candy corn.

Unfortunately now that it’s Aug. 2, the local supermarket has moved on.

valentine

An Oldie But Goodie – Santa Claus is Kind of a Dick

Dearest Reader,

What you are reading is a recycled post. I crafted this homage to Santa Claus’s dickery back before the iPhone 5 was invented, Beyonce still had a baby inside her uterus and Hugo was trapped in a box in the basement. 

Where has the time gone? For those who are reading this for a second time, thanks for following me since November 2011. For my new followers, my archives are full of such gems including one that has a picture of Richard Simmons wearing a pom-pom tank top. 

And a special thanks to all who voted for this choice in the What-the-blazes-should-I-write-about-for-the-last-three-installments-of-NaBloWriMo poll. I love you too.

The claymation masterpiece Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was something a young Speaker7 looked forward to watching every Christmas. Then she got older, lost her looks, gained a hair in her neck, and discovered a truth:

Santa Claus is a dick.

And a bigot.

And kind of an asshole.

His behavior throughout the entire show is deplorable. Santa does not have the best reaction when he catches sight of Rudolph without the prosthetic brown nose Donner makes him wear.

The subtext is clear: you better be a conformist brown-noser. This opens up the poor little reindeer to taunts and ridicule and his expulsion from all the reindeer games. Santa does nothing to discourage the bullying, and in fact seems to revel in it, holding onto his disgusting jelly belly as he laughs and laughs.

So what choice does Rudolph have, but to leave the home he’s only known and travel to New York City where differences are not just accepted, they’re completely ignored.

He meets Ratso Rizzo with the hope that Ratso can help him become a hustler. He meets up with Hermey who has also been ostracized for his unwillingness to work in Santa’s sweatshop.

Together the two travel to the Island of Misfit Toys where toys that did not meet Santa’s standards are sent to die. You know who Santa’s beginning to sound like right? Yeah, I’m going to say it…Martha Stewart. She is a dick.

Rudolph ekes out a living in the wilderness and a few months later decides to return home. He arrives in the middle of a blizzard. Santa is flipping out that he won’t be able to perform his one-day a year job, and talks about canceling Christmas Eve. Santa then has a brilliant idea.

So everything is now hunky dory because the freak reindeer can actually be useful. Great message, Santa. Well done.

Dick.

Christmas Crap-a-looza

Another Black Friday has come and gone.

Maybe you weren’t able to pummel someone in the face to get your hands on a $4.99 version of this:

Does it make sense that the model is not wearing her hair in a ponytail?

And for that I’m truly sorry.

But there still are some great deals to be had. And they’re all conveniently located in one spot: The LTD Commodities catalog!

Recently I received mine in the mail, and picked out my favorites, which I cut out and mailed ransom-note-style to Santa. I made it quite clear if I don’t receive these items, I will cut his bowl-full-of-jelly belly.

But I wasn’t just thinking of myself, I was thinking of you, and I wanted to share my knowledge to help you find the perfect present for that acquaintance you got stuck with in the secret santa drawing or a “loved” one.

What do you get for the man in your life or total stranger coworker who enjoys sitting on a tree stump to drink his coffee, but thinks outerwear is too cumbersome?

Men’s Performance Thermal Sets.

Maybe the man in your life or total stranger coworker is more of an indoorsy sort.

Have you ever witnessed a loved one or random coworker bite into an egg sandwich and just get the bread. And the loved one or random coworker was like “Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkkk!!!!!!! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Well, life just got better for this person. I give you…The Microegg™:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker likes to hunt, but does poorly because he covers his shaving accidents with Dora the Explorer band-aids.

This person desperately needs these:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is more of a brainiac type who enjoys puzzles and boring you with facts about Star Trek convention hook-ups.

Then The Ultimate Book of Optical Illusions is the ultimate gift of ultimateness.

Maybe your loved or random coworker is a girl and finds tools all icky and hurty-like because “ow…my manicure.”

Then there’s this:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is football fan, but not just a normal fan–one who borders on obsessive. Like when his team plays, he doesn’t just paint his face, he paints his balls in his team colors, and you know this and you die a little every day.

Then get this person this:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is filled with pep and zing, always cheering your minor accomplishments like your ability to do a number 2 in the workplace.

Get back at this person with this:

Yup. You might know someone who would actually put this in his house and that’s okay because someone has to, I guess.

The boot lamp.

Maybe your loved one or coworker is really stressed out and stressed for time so this is the perfect combo gift:

Or maybe your loved one or random coworker is someone you don’t know very well so you just go ahead and get something Christmas-related because what the fuck else are you going to buy.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). She wrote this post in the dim light of her cowboy boot lamp. 

Easter, Flag Day Sexier Than Thanksgiving

Well shit.

Here I was. All excited for my four-day Thanksgiving holiday, and come to find out that Thanksgiving is NOT a sexy holiday.

Horn of plenty? More like horn of wah-wah.

It’s true.

It’s true because I read it in Glamour magazine. Not only do I have 60 fun nail polish ideas to try this week (Must remember to stock up on nail polish remover), but I will have to do my sexy at some other holiday because scientifically,  Thanksgiving is a cold turkey.

Why so unsexy, Thanksgiving?

Because someone had a deadline to fill and someone else said “Just write something about Thanksgiving and put sex in it. Can’t you see I’m doing my nails? Fuck, I have 54 other combinations to try out. Get out of my office!”

Was I suppose to really read the article?

Cheezus cripes, okay, okay I’ll read it.

My face feels numb.

So there are 28 reasons, and I read them all. And in between my reading, I changed my nail polish 4 times.

It basically comes down to this:

Your genitals stay covered up because your Aunt Sylvia would be like “Um….why am I seeing your pubic hair” and turkey skin is all goosebumpily.

It’s not like Easter with the eggs and sperm and bunnies copulating like…well bunnies. Or Flag Day with those flags on those poles, waving their patriotism in people’s faces.

So, sorry America. You will have to celebrate your Thanksgiving in a sexless fashion, which I think kinda works since it commemorates the pilgrims and stuff and they were way uptight.

Don’t fret because Dec. 8 is Take It In the Ear Day. And that sounds sexy as shit.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is getting in her way of her Take It In the Ear Day celebration, but she soldiers on because she loves you.

Give Thanks…for Sauna Pants

Thanksgiving is that annoying little holiday that gets in the way of me pitching a tent outside Target in hopes of buying this:

Yes, there are only four shopping days left until the consumer frenzy that is Black Friday. What better way to cap off a day expressing your thanks for family, friends and health then by elbowing someone’s else grandma in the face to get this great deal at Walmart:

I don’t know about you, but I am extra excited this year. This year the stores are opening at 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day!!!

That means I can have this in my mouth four hours earlier than I thought:

Thankful.

That means I can spend the remainder of Black Friday on actual Friday wearing these:

And using this:

You know with Black Friday intruding earlier and earlier into the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s only a matter of time before we forget Thanksgiving existed all together, and instead transform it into Black Friday Eve.

FYI – this is what I want for next Black Friday Eve…pssttt! It’s at K-Mart!

And then we don’t have to even worry about cooking a turkey for future Black Friday Eves.

Give thanks.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). She would feel more inspired if she was wearing sauna pants while she did this…hint…hint…