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The Terrible Twos

I may have mentioned in the past that I work with young children. I teach them about books and media literacy in this room called a library, a place that has been made obsolete by the Internetz.

I did a lesson today on the differences between fiction and nonfiction. I read two stories about ducks. One was about real mallard ducks and one was about a duck that wore underwear. Whenever I said underwear, the kids laughed uproariously as if it was Showtime at the Apollo. I killed it, people. I killed.

Underwear.

One little bugger decided the show needed to be about him. He rolled around on the floor like a flounder plucked from the water. He whimpered and whined and refused my entreaties to “act like a kindergartener”–my polite way of saying “get your fucking act together, dude.”

But all appeals to reason and logic went unheeded, and the lesson ended with the little “angel” running around, knocking over books and screaming.

In short, he sucked.

And he reminded me of somebody.

Two people actually.

I realize this kid has a bright future ahead of him as a political pundit and/or loudmouthed shit-spewer. He reminded me of money-bags consultant and Stay Puft Marshmallow Man stand-in Karl Rove who had a bit of his own meltdown on Fox News.

See Karl Rove had convinced a handful of gazillionaires to put their gazillions in Romney-supported ads to swing the election to Romney. And now he has to explain why he sucks. Two words: pork jowls.

The cutie patootie also reminded me of perennial bankruptcy-filer and perennial Turd of the Week™ Donald Trump.

Trump took to the twit-waves and tweeted moronic ramblings about revolution and bad combovers.

See his favorite candidate–his own fat Oompa-Loompa mug–didn’t win the write-in campaign of douchery. So Donald stuck his iPhone under his ass and expelled loudly onto it, producing such gems as:

“This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy.”

And

“I am completely irrelevant.”

Tantrum city, people.

The thing is, the five-year-old kind of has an excuse because he’s five and even then, he’s way too old to be having the kind of tantrum he exhibited in the library today.

Those other two? Well, they’re just terrible.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the eighth post. If you don’t like it, she will throw an epic tantrum. 

Ronald Reagan’s name is mentioned in this post.

I’m drunk.

This was unintended. I knew I needed to write a Turd of the Week™ post. The orphans of America need it. The widows of America need it. The widowed orphans of America need it.

But let’s say it: I’m in a bit of a slump. Does that make you feel better, you widowed orphans with your gruel and your tears and your “please, sir, I want some more”? I bet it does. I bet it feels just as good as a second helping of slop slopped into a dented bowl.

So I opened a bottle of wine and poured it down my gullet, hoping the fermented grapes would help me on my turd vision quest.

There is a veritable turd cornucopia happening in D.C. at this moment. The Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, is underway. Ann Coulter has stated that only pretty girls are right-wing. The name Ronald Reagan has been mentioned 5,124,902,321 times. And I have heard too much…hence the drunkative drunkical drunkation drunference of 2012 sponsored by Beringer.

I really should have stuck with sussing out the “emotional” interview a “real” “housewife” had with a “real” “doctor.” I am meaning the collagen-lipped Taylor Armstrong and the celebrity-rehabbed Dr. Drew. But I gave up after one fruitless Google search and a half-hour wasted on Facebook reading people’s Pinterests.

And while they are both turds, they did not meet the stringent requirements of Turd of the Week™.

Rep. Sen. Mitch McConnell spoke at CPAC. This is him:

He said many things I didn’t understand, but then again I do not speak turtle. He ended his speech with the rallying cry: “Don’t pick on Fox News!!”

Not bad.

But then I thought I should watch Newt Gingrich’s speech. It was 30 minutes long. Thirty minutes long. It was thirty minutes long. It was as long as a sitcom rerun without the commercial break. It’s still happening. I began writing this blog post after his 10th mention of Ronald Reagan. I pick up my earbud, and he’s still talking. “The corporate tax rate should be 12 percent. Ronald Reagan,” he bleats.

And I down my second bottle and weep.

President Obama wants to declare war on the Catholic Church, Newt insists. I am thinking this has something to do with the new health care rule that requires insurance coverage for birth control. As someone who has frequent affairs, Newt should be a fan of birth control. But he’s more a fan of pandering to a crowd of people who likely also use birth control otherwise the Duggan family wouldn’t have a reality show, right?

So he’s a giant-headed giant turd.

I’m going to go pass out now. jggjkljadlkdj