Tag Archives: fifty shades darker

Let’s Finish this Twat so I can be Fifty Shades Freed (pgs. 501-548)

Posted on September 17, 2012 by

This is it, gentle reader. The end. It took some time getting to this point. My brain has shrunken to the size of a vaginal ball. I no longer recognize how sentences are properly constructed. And I’ve begun to call … Continue reading →

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Fifty Shades Neverending (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 451-500)

Posted on September 7, 2012 by

Once upon a time, there was a little Speaker7 who desperately wished she never heard of Fifty Shats of Grey. But heard she did, and now as she clings to her last functioning bit of brain and the anti-freeze digesting in … Continue reading →

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Fifty Shades Buzzed (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 401-450)

Posted on September 1, 2012 by

Okay, gentle reader. I begin this recrap with a couple caveats. (For more recraps, click here) First, I don’t know what caveat means. Second, I’ve drunk two glasses of wine and am seriously considering a third because I am reading … Continue reading →

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Fifty New Plot Twists (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 351-400)

Posted on August 31, 2012 by

I have dreams, gentle reader. My dream was to finish the literary anal fissure that is Fifty Shades Freed before my return to work on Tuesday. But alas, this dream is dead as so many have gone before it. Why did … Continue reading →

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Fifty Shades Freed is Unreadable (pgs. 301-350)

Posted on August 27, 2012 by

For previous installments, click here.  Dear E.L. James: Ugh, this goddamned book. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to start with a vulgarity, but I just read the worst 50 pages of sentences  you clearly shite directly out of your bottom … Continue reading →

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Fifty Shades Procrastination (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 251-300)

Posted on August 25, 2012 by

Oh boy. So it’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve written a Fifty Shades Fuckadoodle recrap. Why is that? Oh right because this book is the literary equivalent of a raging hemorrhoid. And like a raging hemorrhoid, this book inflames … Continue reading →

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Fifty Shades Grossed Out (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 201-250)

Posted on August 13, 2012 by

Ah yes, pages 201 to 250 of Fifty Shades Freed, how I hate you. Heads up, gentle reader. This was the expression I had almost the entire time I read this passage: The only time I was not making this face … Continue reading →

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Fifty Shades Freed: The Twatsausage edition (pgs. 151-200)

Posted on August 11, 2012 by

Ah twatsausage. Does that sum up pages 151 to 200 of Fifty Shades Freed? Because it should. It’s a sheep-intestine casing stuffed entirely with pig anuses, chicken bladders and rat feces, and although it is served with fried peppers and … Continue reading →

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Fifty Shades Frogurt (Fifty Shades Freed: 101-150)

Posted on August 10, 2012 by

I have no strength to write a crafty opener to introduce pages 101 to 150 of Fifty Shades Frogurt, but let’s be honest have any of my openers been crafty? More like crappy, amirite. Up top, subconscious. (For previous recraps of crap, … Continue reading →

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Fifty Shades Fungholery (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 51-100)

Posted on August 5, 2012 by

Hm. I thought the book Fifty Shades Freed ended with Anastasia Steele Grey’s down there resembling a sphynx cat. But apparently those are sentences that fill the 528 pages following pages 1 through 50, and while the sentences make little to no … Continue reading →

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