Donald Trump

Trump Stump

Oh, bless his little orange, puffy face!

Donald Trump may seek the GOP nomination for govenor of New York.

This is news, people.

In the same way, it was news when Donald Trump declared he was running for president those 4,001,321 times. Or when he fashioned that ridiculous hair mop he wears on his head from wood shavings and a can of KRAFT® Easy Cheese.

The frequent-bankruptcy-filing “billionaire” says he is considering running because he is a paranoid delusional narcissist who believes he farts gold nuggets believes he can win.

donaldnoneckTrump was at some Republican fundraiser on Friday to talk about the dangers of over-tanning prove that a person can still communicate even when it’s clear one’s brain is disconnected from one’s spinal cord.

trumpedhairI’m not a fan of Gov. Andrew Cuomo. I voted for him only because the other guy wanted to convert prisons into “welfare dorms.” Now if Trump seriously gets the nomination, and that is a big bloated if, I will once again be forced to cast a vote for a politician who routinely denigrates my profession as an educator–as if we are all educators at Donald Trump University.

At the $100-per-person event, Trump outlined his platform. He would turn New York into the energy capitol. He has volunteered to act as the state-wide gas bag. He supports hydrofracking and wants to repeal the NY SAFE act, which requires ammunition dealers to do background checks and the creation of registry of assault weapons. It also requires mental health professionals to report credible threats made by a mental health patient.

Trump stated that he himself is licensed to carry a gun.

I wonder if I can find that number to make a report.

More importantly Trump touted his number one issue–how to stay relevant beyond his woman parade pageant and his nonCelebrity Apprentice snoozefest.

trumpissueLike I said before:

News.

The Cyrus-versy™

I am commenting on the Miley Cyrus controversy because I’m very concerned.

About my page views.

They’re low.

By now, you are aware that Miley Cyrus twerked and gene-simmonsed her way through a performance of her hit song “Mediocre Pop Song.”

If you’re not aware, it looked like this:

mileytongue

Like many, I was shocked. Shocked that the Video Music Awards was actually still a thing and that humans actually watched.

And then I saw that the performance became a news story and real-live journalists were talking about it. Even that Mika Brzezezzezzzzzzzzzzazzzzzzskii who famously tried to burn a story about Paris Hilton’s release from jail because she deemed it “trivial.”

mikatweetParent bloggers or Ploggers™ were up in arms over the performance and wondered if their children would view their Hannah Montana vibrating toothbrushes in a different way.  And zombies…well the zombies just said “BRAAIINNSSSS.”

Why has this performance gained so much traction? When you break it down, it really is the story of a young commodity trying to break out of her target market into a new synergized market share. A story as old as time.

And yet here I was doing this in Adobe Illustrator:

fartSee, it looks like Miley is on the receiving end of a fart in the face.

What did it all mean?

Later in the performance, Alan Thicke’s semen creation came out to ruin Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Get It Up” whilst Miley poked at his privates with a giant foam finger. If I didn’t know better, I would have pegged the performance a brilliant parody of what passes for “sexXy” in American society. In case you didn’t know, this is sexXy:

hamburgerhelperI don’t know how this any less foolish than Madonna kissing a female Gremlin birthed out of Lady Gaga’s robotic birth canal or Katy Perry dressed as a skunk spraying whipped cream from her anal cavity.

As an aside, please make both happen for next year’s VMAs.

But I think we’ve lost sight of the real issue and that is, both songs really sucked. I mean, what the fuck, America. Get better musical taste and this would not happen. So I blame you.

All of you. Even Donald Trump.

donald

Donald Trump Explains it All

Donald Trump is the news again because. . . um . . . there have been no shark attacks? I’m not sure why.

ABC scored the interview after a bull shark from Discovery Channel’s Shark Week had to cancel.

Trump is our generation’s P.T. Barnum, if P.T. Barnum was a raging hemorrhoid covered in silly string.

Here’s what happened: A moistened hole opened in that giant orange face and spewed out something. What he said was a mystery because I had the interview on mute. I just got over a debilitating case of diarrhea; I didn’t need a relapse.

I can only imagine the important news Trump imparted:

donald1

arabicdonald

donaldnetworth

donaldbreath

ivanaanddonald

donaldbankrupt

donaldgollum

donaldhair

And perhaps the biggest surprise of all:

braindeaddonald

Top 10 Turds of 2012

You may be aware, I run a weekly segment titled Turd of the Week™.*

*Full disclosure: This is not weekly. It’s more of a sporadic segment, but I like Turd of the Week™ moreso than Sporadic Turd™ .

You may also be aware that 2012 is quickly coming to a close, and what better way to ring in the new year than honor some truly spectacular shitball behavior.

I combed the extensive archives (not really), and have put together a top 10 list saluting such incredible craptastic turding.

Yes, Donald Trump is on this list–he, in fact, could be the entire list. I’m also recognizing a completely new turd who has tooted some pretty turdtastic statements in the past couple of days.

1. Donald Trump

The Turd

The Turd Donald had quite the year. It seemed every time I turned on the TV, he was surpassing his latest bout of idiocy with some assblasting tomfoolery.

He started off the year making media outlets believe they should broadcast the things that he says. We would get reports the Trump was going to make a big annoucement about the Republican presidental candidates or the fact his hair is made out of hamster bedding, then reports guessing what he would say and finally the actual announcement. All this while real news was occurring.

He jumped on the birther train and rode it straight to Batshit Crazy, USA.

He challenged Pres. Obama to release his college transcripts in exchange for a fake donation to a charity like Trump Steaks Inc.  When Hurricane Sandy overshadowed his giant gaping maw, he got on the news extending the deadline.

And then finally, election night, he tweeted the election was a sham cuz the guy who got the most votes won and that we should revolt. Turd-a-licious.

2. Donald TrumpBill O’Reilly

Bill O'Turdly

Bill is not about Bill, people.  He is never about self-promotion so when he blathered on forever about the media exploitation of Whitney Houston’s death while promoting his latest historical fantasy novel, it was because he cares.

He cares when he says things like: “Whitney Houston wanted to kill herself. Nobody takes drugs for that long if they want to stay on the planet.”

And this after the 2012 election: “It’s not a traditional America anymore, and there are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff. They want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama.”

And never forget: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam. What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.”

Falafel Turdafel.

3. Donald TrumpRush Limbaugh

Rush Turdball

Do I really need to explain this one? I gave Limpball a turd cigar during his whole women-who-use-birth-control-are-sluts phase (1981-present). Remember that fun? Sandra Fluke was a “slut” because she wanted her birth control covered under her insurance plan so it was like “she wants to be paid to have sex.”

Unbelievable, expecially coming from a Missouri Hall of Fame treasure who said this: “When women got the right to vote, is when it all went downhill.”

I vote Big Fat-Headed Turd.

4. Donald TrumpDarrell Issa

issaturdThe former car thief congressman famously summoned an all male-panel to discuss vaginal domination “religious freedom.”

Old pot-bellied men grumbled over how female contraception meant less possibilities for virgin births, and Issa readily shut down any requests for the ladies to speak on a topic that was essentially about women’s health..er…I mean god stuff. Wasn’t there some sewing the ladies could attend to? Those wrinkles aren’t going to iron out themselves.

He issa turd.

5. Donald TrumpRichard Mourdock

richardmurdick

This little beauty resurrected the Turd of the Week™ segment by plopping out this statement: “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

That takes a strong bowel to say God is rape’s cheerleader.

Murdick can share his turd award with that other turdface Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” comment.

So sorry you turds lost your elections.

6. Donald TrumpNewt Gingrich

newty-turd

Giant babyman Newt Gingrich spews many horrible things out of his melon-sized head. I turded him after suffering through his long-winded speech before the Conservative Political Action Conference, but he, like Trump, could be a weekly winner.

Why just a few days ago, he said this gem: “(S)chool administrators should be trained and should have arms that are available under lock and key.” According to Newt, if Dawn Hochsprung–or “that principal” as Newt put it–had been able to kill the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooter first, she would saved a number of lives.

I think I speak for many when I say: Shut the fuck up forever.

7. Donald TrumpTami Fitzgerald

Turdi Fitzgerald

Finally! A woman enters the sewage arena. I gave Tami a nice turd cake topper for her turdish stance against gay marriage. Tami is one of those people who enjoys attributing horrible things to God to get away with saying some horrible homophobic stuff.

According to Tami, God designed marriage, and is directly responsible for that uncomfortable feeling you get when you watch a 12-year-old boy slide a garter up a 45-year-old woman’s leg at a wedding reception. God flips out when people ruin weddings by marrying people they love who happen to share the same set of gentalia because it completely ruins that tradition. Two garter belts! What the fuck are you going to do with that!

8. Donald TrumpGeraldo Rivera

geraldon't

Mario-brother Impersonator Geraldo Rivera is all about keeping it realz, yo. He makes the list for blaming the hoodie on Trayvon Martin’s shooting death, and saying the word “gangsta” in the most grating way possible.

He gets more hair added to his turd’s mustache for saying a “faith-based man” couldn’t possibly have committed the acts of the Sandy Hook shooter.

Whateva gangsturd.

9. Donald TrumpTerry England

Turdy England

Georgia State Rep. Terry England received the turd honor when he compared women to livestock. In a discussion about a bill prohibiting abortion after 20 weeks, England thought it was appropriate to share his experience watching his cows deliver stillborn babies. It was tough on the ol’ birds, but they could do it so why can’t the ladies, amirite fellas?

Salt of the turd, that one.

10. Donald TrumpWayne LaPierre

Wayne-LaTurd

I have not written much about the Sandy Hook school shootings. I am a loss for what to say. I read stories about funerals held for six and seven year olds, and I’m a blubbering mess. I feel this way not just because I’m a parent and a teacher responsible for countless little innocents, but because I’m a person.

That’s why I found Wayne LePierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, particularly turd-worthy. A day after Newtown buried Josephine Grace Gay, 7, the last of the slain children, LePierre was on “Meet the Press” saying the NRA will continue to fight any new measures limiting gun purchases. He continued his crazed vision of elementary schools armed to the teeth as if the way to solve gun violence is to add more guns to the mix.

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,” LePierre insisted.

Okay. You’re crazy, sturd-crazy.

The Terrible Twos

I may have mentioned in the past that I work with young children. I teach them about books and media literacy in this room called a library, a place that has been made obsolete by the Internetz.

I did a lesson today on the differences between fiction and nonfiction. I read two stories about ducks. One was about real mallard ducks and one was about a duck that wore underwear. Whenever I said underwear, the kids laughed uproariously as if it was Showtime at the Apollo. I killed it, people. I killed.

Underwear.

One little bugger decided the show needed to be about him. He rolled around on the floor like a flounder plucked from the water. He whimpered and whined and refused my entreaties to “act like a kindergartener”–my polite way of saying “get your fucking act together, dude.”

But all appeals to reason and logic went unheeded, and the lesson ended with the little “angel” running around, knocking over books and screaming.

In short, he sucked.

And he reminded me of somebody.

Two people actually.

I realize this kid has a bright future ahead of him as a political pundit and/or loudmouthed shit-spewer. He reminded me of money-bags consultant and Stay Puft Marshmallow Man stand-in Karl Rove who had a bit of his own meltdown on Fox News.

See Karl Rove had convinced a handful of gazillionaires to put their gazillions in Romney-supported ads to swing the election to Romney. And now he has to explain why he sucks. Two words: pork jowls.

The cutie patootie also reminded me of perennial bankruptcy-filer and perennial Turd of the Week™ Donald Trump.

Trump took to the twit-waves and tweeted moronic ramblings about revolution and bad combovers.

See his favorite candidate–his own fat Oompa-Loompa mug–didn’t win the write-in campaign of douchery. So Donald stuck his iPhone under his ass and expelled loudly onto it, producing such gems as:

“This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy.”

And

“I am completely irrelevant.”

Tantrum city, people.

The thing is, the five-year-old kind of has an excuse because he’s five and even then, he’s way too old to be having the kind of tantrum he exhibited in the library today.

Those other two? Well, they’re just terrible.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the eighth post. If you don’t like it, she will throw an epic tantrum. 

A Turd-ucopia

Turd of the Week™ has come out of retirement.

The little dude was actually getting the chalky-white look of an old piece of dog poop found 17 years later in a sewer grate. But it’s been revived–rejuvenated by amazing displays of turdism that should be featured in the book The Most Unbelievable Turd-duckens Since Turduckens Were Invented (release date: Christmas 2012)

“I am truly overflowing with turdish delight.”

So this politician said something unbelievable at a debate. This guy is a Republican—surprise–and he said something horrible relating to women–double surprise. Then a bullhorn with a hairpiece made out of the straw from the Wizard of Oz scarecrow held a press conference that entailed him defecating freely from his gaping maw.

Let’s begin with the turd masquerading as an actual candidate for the U.S. Senate. Let me remind you that two people in the whole fucking state get this job. Like this is a big deal.

Giant turd Richard Mourdock decided it was a fine time to spew this from his mouth:

“Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

I’m going to address this to all men:

Men, never say anything about rape unless it is this:

“Rape is fucking awful. I’m sorry that people get raped because that is fucking awful.”

That’s all you should say about rape. Ever. If you want to tack a “but” onto the end of that sentence to add something like “she was wearing a short skirt” or “God gives babies because he’s on board with rape” then it’s time to have your tongue surgically removed so you can never utter those sentences.

Mourdock has since apologized because his words were “taken out of context.”

I’m sorry, Mr. Mourdick, but the only way I will accept your apology is if this was the sentence you snotted before saying that completely bizarre sentence. “What I’m about to say is the ravings of a small-dicked lunatic…”

Turd. Big fucking turd.

The second turd is Donald Trump, which is basically a given. Just assume that every week, Donald Trump wins Turd of the Week™. He is a masterful turd.

So he was on the old tee-vee, and he realized that there are no plans to air  The Apprentice anytime soon, so he decided to say something stupid about Pres. Barack Obama. He said:

“Turd turd turd turd turd. Turd turd turd turd turd.”

I don’t know if that’s 100 percent accurate, but I immediately go deaf when Donald Trump speaks. You can read this if you need to know more.

I certainly don’t.

So yes, the turd is back.

This Post Will Make You Blush

People hate being embarrassed. I remember reading an article about choking in restaurants. It stated one of the main reasons people died is because they left the table to deal with the choking in the privacy of the restroom so as not to embarrass themselves in front of others with all the gasping and eye-bulging. It embarrasses me that I cannot remember the name of the article or find a link to it.

In 10th grade, I was walking and waving to a group of friends on the front lawn of school. My head was not turned in the direction I was going, and I fell over a bicycle rack. To make it even better, the boy I had crush on witnessed the entire event. I immediately left school and joined a nunnery in the Himalayans. Here’s the kicker: There wasn’t a nunnery there. I was so mortified that I tried to pass myself off as a curvy monk, but my bright red cheeks and excessive sweating gave me away. And I’m not even curvy. Why did I say that? Oh my god. I’m completely humiliated.

Some sciency people say embarrassment is a good thing (is sciency people the right word? What are they called? Sciencers? Sciencence? This is mortifying). It’s a sign of virtue. It shows you can be trusted, and it makes motorists stop when they mistake your bright red face for a stop sign.

So what does it mean if you’re someone who is not easily embarrassed? Does it mean you’re an untrustworthy asshat? The sciency folks could not say for sure, but maybe would look into it in the future.

Well let’s look into it now, shall we. Let’s examine the behavior of one Donald Trump.

Donald Trump cannot be embarrassed. Just look at him:

He knows his hair looks like cotton candy run through a taffy pulling machine then set on fire and extinguished by a pound of cat fur mixed with sawdust.

His hair alone should cause his face to be the color of a fire hydrant. But the reason his face is the color of a fire hydrant is because he’s always blowing hot air out of his yawping maw.

“Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!” he screams like an over-sugared toddler.

He recently blathered some nonsense about Trump steaks. No wait. It was about his many bankruptcies. Nope. I’m wrong again. I’m totally blushing right now.

He said: “Celebrity Apprentice just ended, and I need to be on TV again so how ’bouts I prattle on about President Obama not being a U.S. citizen? Yeah, let’s do that. I’m fired…up. Did you see what I did there? Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!”

See, I would be embarrassed to say something that’s been so obviously refuted that it’s on par with saying something like “Donald Trump is virtuous.”

But that’s me.

Donald Trump said this right before hosting a fundraiser for Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney said he believed Obama was a natural born citizen, which was very big of him. Using the word “believe” means there could be a tad uncertainty about it. Well done.

I believe Mitt Romney escaped from the Chuck E. Cheese automaton band, and is full of ricotta cheese. But that’s just what I believe, man. You can believe your own ride.

I also believe that Donald Trump is actually a robotic megaphone coated in spray tan and axe body spray.

It would explain the inability to be embarrassed.

And the hair.

But what I do know for certain is that he is an untrustworthy asshat.

Science!

The Turd Towers

I am a worrier.

I worry about my job security in the public sector. I worry that I can’t leave the hangnail on my thumb alone and will result in me peeling off all my thumb skin. I worry my exposed thumb will give me restless leg syndrome.

And I worry that my devoted readers will think I put no effort into my Turd of the Week™ segment by naming Donald Trump Turd of the Week™.

Calling Trump a turd is akin to calling a rose a rose or Trump a shameless self-promoting megalomaniacal dickhead.

Nonetheless, readers, nonethemore, his turdishness stood out among all the other floaters in the toilet bowl by his ridiculous announcement of his upcoming announcement of his endorsement of an announcement of announcement. Yes, Donald Trump was going to open his big fat mouth, stretch his overused vocal cords and say something no one in the world should ever care about…..and the media was there to faithfully cover it all.

“I’m here to announce that my hair is made 100 percent out of Trump steaks.”

He tried to be sneaky by making some media outlets think he was going to endorse an overgrown baby for president.

“Don’t worry Newt, ol’ buddy ol’ pal, I’ve got a spot for you on “Celebrity Apprentice XXMMVXC.” It will also feature another baby, the baby from the E*TRADE commercials.

The Today show sent a turnip to Las Vegas to get the scoop. “…” said the turnip because turnips cannot speak. Others said “Trump’s a showman.” So is the guy who makes balloon animals at the county fair.

Trump had toyed with the idea of running for president himself. But then he realized it would be difficult to file bankruptcy for the entire country like he did for his own businesses.

Trump instead endorsed another really rich guy who could care less about the very poor. I’m paraphrasing. Republican presidential frontrunner Mitt Romney actually said “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” The very poor responded “We’re too hungry to even be able to process your statement. Oh and pfffftttttt.”

Donald Trump talked lots and lots. So do his comb-over. He mentioned China and laughter and blop. His hair flopped around with emphasis. And then his hair said: “Blippetedy bleep bleep Mitt Romney” and people applauded wildly because they are paid to do so. And then Trump checked out Mittens’ wife and said “And by the way this is a great couple, will you look at this couple” and people cheered somewhat uncomfortably and then awkwardly looked at their shoes.

And then Trump the showman finished with a twirl: “Mitt is tough. He’s smart. He’s sharp. He’s not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country we love. He will eat all the very poor and then crap them out in a productive manner. His wife has a great rack. Gov. Romney go out and get ‘em. You can do it.”

Well turded, hairpiece. Well turded.

The Cream of the Crop

This horrible guy makes a business trip to Mexico to check on his factory that manufactures relaxable pickle toys, you know, those things you squeeze to relieve stress. His workers work in the most deplorable conditions imaginable–no ventilation, zero safety apparatus, rabid zombie dogs–get paid literally in peanuts and make toys that are predominately comprised of asbestos-covered lead. This guy’s biggest customers are school districts that buy his comparably cheaper relaxable pickles to hand out as character education awards to children.

On route to his factory, he stops at a roadside restaurant and indulges his insatiable appetite (I should mention that he’s nearly 400 pounds) by eating his weight in chimichangas. The last one, a deep-fried burrito filled with pork anus, sends him running to the bathroom. He throws open the stall door and encounters the filthiest toilet in the history of sewage: the seat is discolored due to a build-up of fecal matter, the toilet bowl makes a factory-farm manure lagoon seem like a mineral bath. But our hero does not care as he tugs furiously at his belt and tries to ignore the giant floating turd on top of partially decomposed shit pile.

For some reason, I thought of this when I heard Matt Lauer say Newt Gingrich had risen to the top of the field of Republican candidates running for president.

Way to go buddy!

And he’s getting a bit of a boost from a wad of cotton candy wrapped tightly around a partially digested pork-anus chimmichanga that has clogged up the toilet. I’m sorry, I meant to say he’s getting some support from Donald Trump.

Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump, and it was the first time I’ve ever witnessed a long distance hand job.

Oh, this is weird….today Donald happens to be releasing his new book (among other things), what a strange coincidence since he has also scheduled his own presidential debate on Dec. 27. His book is called Dipshits Like Me are the Reason America is Collapsing. 

“This debate isn’t going to be all about Donald Trump. You’re not going to use this to get on center stage and talk about what you believe?” Matt inquires.

This is what Donald believes:

“When I put the steaks on the grill, I tell each one ‘You’re fired.’

Matt asks Donald what he thinks about Newt’s loving characterization of poor children who know nothing of work because their parents are lazy a**holes sucking furiously at the teat of the welfare system.

“Sounds about right,” says Donald who has pocketed millions in government subsidies.

Matt asks if Donald will think about getting in the race a second time when he needs a rating boost.

If the country continue to go down the drain, Trump answers. And he is just the wad of cotton candy wrapped tightly around a partially digested pork-anus chimmichanga to stop it.