Tag Archives: Christian Grey

Fifty Shades of Bastardarized Boredom

Posted on February 9, 2013 by

My prayers have been answered. Remember when I finished Fifty Sharts of Grey Goop and I declared “Holy twat-twizzler! Will someone please–pretty please with a butt plug on top–write some more words about an abusive douche and an empty space who … Continue reading →

Posted in humor, Recraps | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 68 Comments

Desperately Seeking Hugo

Posted on November 29, 2012 by

Hugo is lonely, guys. He would never publicly admit this, but he has grown tired of making out with his reflection and longs for the touch of a real woman. I know this because I found Hugo’s profile on Christian … Continue reading →

Posted in Hugo, humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 78 Comments

Casting Ana Steele

Posted on September 26, 2012 by

Who will play Ana Steele in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie? This is a very powerful role. Ana is the most beguiling, charming, strong, intelligent, and ambitious woman on the planet. Wait…what the fuck did I just write? (Thanks Le Clown … Continue reading →

Posted in humor, media, Recraps | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 54 Comments

Casting Call: Christian Grey

Posted on September 23, 2012 by

Who will portray the venerable protagonists Ana Steele and Christian Grey in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie? This has been quite the guessing game with such actors like Matt Bomer and Ian Somerhalder being bandied about for the … Continue reading →

Posted in humor, media, Recraps | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 71 Comments

Let’s Finish this Twat so I can be Fifty Shades Freed (pgs. 501-548)

Posted on September 17, 2012 by

This is it, gentle reader. The end. It took some time getting to this point. My brain has shrunken to the size of a vaginal ball. I no longer recognize how sentences are properly constructed. And I’ve begun to call … Continue reading →

Posted in Hugo, humor, Recraps | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 79 Comments

Fifty Shades Neverending (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 451-500)

Posted on September 7, 2012 by

Once upon a time, there was a little Speaker7 who desperately wished she never heard of Fifty Shats of Grey. But heard she did, and now as she clings to her last functioning bit of brain and the anti-freeze digesting in … Continue reading →

Posted in Hugo, humor, Recraps | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 48 Comments

Fifty Shades Buzzed (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 401-450)

Posted on September 1, 2012 by

Okay, gentle reader. I begin this recrap with a couple caveats. (For more recraps, click here) First, I don’t know what caveat means. Second, I’ve drunk two glasses of wine and am seriously considering a third because I am reading … Continue reading →

Posted in Hugo, humor, Recraps | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 49 Comments

Fifty New Plot Twists (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 351-400)

Posted on August 31, 2012 by

I have dreams, gentle reader. My dream was to finish the literary anal fissure that is Fifty Shades Freed before my return to work on Tuesday. But alas, this dream is dead as so many have gone before it. Why did … Continue reading →

Posted in Hugo, humor, Recraps | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 56 Comments

Fifty Shades Freed is Unreadable (pgs. 301-350)

Posted on August 27, 2012 by

For previous installments, click here.  Dear E.L. James: Ugh, this goddamned book. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to start with a vulgarity, but I just read the worst 50 pages of sentences  you clearly shite directly out of your bottom … Continue reading →

Posted in Hugo, humor, Recraps | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 83 Comments

Fifty Shades Procrastination (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 251-300)

Posted on August 25, 2012 by

Oh boy. So it’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve written a Fifty Shades Fuckadoodle recrap. Why is that? Oh right because this book is the literary equivalent of a raging hemorrhoid. And like a raging hemorrhoid, this book inflames … Continue reading →

Posted in Hugo, humor, Recraps | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 46 Comments