children’s literature

Top 10 Turds of 2012

You may be aware, I run a weekly segment titled Turd of the Week™.*

*Full disclosure: This is not weekly. It’s more of a sporadic segment, but I like Turd of the Week™ moreso than Sporadic Turd™ .

You may also be aware that 2012 is quickly coming to a close, and what better way to ring in the new year than honor some truly spectacular shitball behavior.

I combed the extensive archives (not really), and have put together a top 10 list saluting such incredible craptastic turding.

Yes, Donald Trump is on this list–he, in fact, could be the entire list. I’m also recognizing a completely new turd who has tooted some pretty turdtastic statements in the past couple of days.

1. Donald Trump

The Turd

The Turd Donald had quite the year. It seemed every time I turned on the TV, he was surpassing his latest bout of idiocy with some assblasting tomfoolery.

He started off the year making media outlets believe they should broadcast the things that he says. We would get reports the Trump was going to make a big annoucement about the Republican presidental candidates or the fact his hair is made out of hamster bedding, then reports guessing what he would say and finally the actual announcement. All this while real news was occurring.

He jumped on the birther train and rode it straight to Batshit Crazy, USA.

He challenged Pres. Obama to release his college transcripts in exchange for a fake donation to a charity like Trump Steaks Inc.  When Hurricane Sandy overshadowed his giant gaping maw, he got on the news extending the deadline.

And then finally, election night, he tweeted the election was a sham cuz the guy who got the most votes won and that we should revolt. Turd-a-licious.

2. Donald TrumpBill O’Reilly

Bill O'Turdly

Bill is not about Bill, people.  He is never about self-promotion so when he blathered on forever about the media exploitation of Whitney Houston’s death while promoting his latest historical fantasy novel, it was because he cares.

He cares when he says things like: “Whitney Houston wanted to kill herself. Nobody takes drugs for that long if they want to stay on the planet.”

And this after the 2012 election: “It’s not a traditional America anymore, and there are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff. They want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama.”

And never forget: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam. What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.”

Falafel Turdafel.

3. Donald TrumpRush Limbaugh

Rush Turdball

Do I really need to explain this one? I gave Limpball a turd cigar during his whole women-who-use-birth-control-are-sluts phase (1981-present). Remember that fun? Sandra Fluke was a “slut” because she wanted her birth control covered under her insurance plan so it was like “she wants to be paid to have sex.”

Unbelievable, expecially coming from a Missouri Hall of Fame treasure who said this: “When women got the right to vote, is when it all went downhill.”

I vote Big Fat-Headed Turd.

4. Donald TrumpDarrell Issa

issaturdThe former car thief congressman famously summoned an all male-panel to discuss vaginal domination “religious freedom.”

Old pot-bellied men grumbled over how female contraception meant less possibilities for virgin births, and Issa readily shut down any requests for the ladies to speak on a topic that was essentially about women’s health..er…I mean god stuff. Wasn’t there some sewing the ladies could attend to? Those wrinkles aren’t going to iron out themselves.

He issa turd.

5. Donald TrumpRichard Mourdock

richardmurdick

This little beauty resurrected the Turd of the Week™ segment by plopping out this statement: “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

That takes a strong bowel to say God is rape’s cheerleader.

Murdick can share his turd award with that other turdface Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” comment.

So sorry you turds lost your elections.

6. Donald TrumpNewt Gingrich

newty-turd

Giant babyman Newt Gingrich spews many horrible things out of his melon-sized head. I turded him after suffering through his long-winded speech before the Conservative Political Action Conference, but he, like Trump, could be a weekly winner.

Why just a few days ago, he said this gem: “(S)chool administrators should be trained and should have arms that are available under lock and key.” According to Newt, if Dawn Hochsprung–or “that principal” as Newt put it–had been able to kill the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooter first, she would saved a number of lives.

I think I speak for many when I say: Shut the fuck up forever.

7. Donald TrumpTami Fitzgerald

Turdi Fitzgerald

Finally! A woman enters the sewage arena. I gave Tami a nice turd cake topper for her turdish stance against gay marriage. Tami is one of those people who enjoys attributing horrible things to God to get away with saying some horrible homophobic stuff.

According to Tami, God designed marriage, and is directly responsible for that uncomfortable feeling you get when you watch a 12-year-old boy slide a garter up a 45-year-old woman’s leg at a wedding reception. God flips out when people ruin weddings by marrying people they love who happen to share the same set of gentalia because it completely ruins that tradition. Two garter belts! What the fuck are you going to do with that!

8. Donald TrumpGeraldo Rivera

geraldon't

Mario-brother Impersonator Geraldo Rivera is all about keeping it realz, yo. He makes the list for blaming the hoodie on Trayvon Martin’s shooting death, and saying the word “gangsta” in the most grating way possible.

He gets more hair added to his turd’s mustache for saying a “faith-based man” couldn’t possibly have committed the acts of the Sandy Hook shooter.

Whateva gangsturd.

9. Donald TrumpTerry England

Turdy England

Georgia State Rep. Terry England received the turd honor when he compared women to livestock. In a discussion about a bill prohibiting abortion after 20 weeks, England thought it was appropriate to share his experience watching his cows deliver stillborn babies. It was tough on the ol’ birds, but they could do it so why can’t the ladies, amirite fellas?

Salt of the turd, that one.

10. Donald TrumpWayne LaPierre

Wayne-LaTurd

I have not written much about the Sandy Hook school shootings. I am a loss for what to say. I read stories about funerals held for six and seven year olds, and I’m a blubbering mess. I feel this way not just because I’m a parent and a teacher responsible for countless little innocents, but because I’m a person.

That’s why I found Wayne LePierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, particularly turd-worthy. A day after Newtown buried Josephine Grace Gay, 7, the last of the slain children, LePierre was on “Meet the Press” saying the NRA will continue to fight any new measures limiting gun purchases. He continued his crazed vision of elementary schools armed to the teeth as if the way to solve gun violence is to add more guns to the mix.

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,” LePierre insisted.

Okay. You’re crazy, sturd-crazy.

Curious George and the Monkey Anus Chocolate

Today I am hosting my first-ever guest post. I don’t know why I’ve never done this before because you do barely any work and reap all the glory. This is what it must feel like to be in top management. Anyhoo, my first guestblogger is Angie Z. of Childhood Relived. Here are things you should know about Angie Z:

  1. She has a photographic memory
  2. She is the funniest writer on earth and writes a terrific blog about the horrors of childhood.
  3. She has a Brady Bunch DVD box set.
  4. She is my BBFF.

I was honored to be asked by Speaker7 to write a guest post for her today.

Speaker7 is my Best Blog Friend Forever.  So if she says, “Jump,” I ask, “How high?”  And if she says, “Guest post,” I ask, “How many words?”  And if she says, “Restraining order,” I ask, “Can I still call you?”

I’m a big fan of Speaker7’s ongoing recaps of the wretched book series 50 Shades of Grey – which she’s lovingly coined “recraps”.

So today I thought it’d be fitting if I offered a recrap of my own.  And since I write a childhood nostalgia blog, I thought I’d recrap a children’s book to give it my own flavor.  I’ve selected Curious George Goes to a Chocolate Factory.

I hate this book.  I hate Curious George.  I hate monkeys.  I know this sounds harsh – my mom told me not to hate anything.  But I hate all of it.  Especially monkeys.  Especially monkeys of the (1) Wizard of Oz, (2) organ grinder and (3) cymbal-bashing varieties.

Curious George is less monkeyish and more chimp-like and therefore doesn’t wig me out like most monkeys – but he annoys the hell out of me.  And every time my kids bring me his books to read, I feel it’s my duty to first offer them the medical textbook photos of the monkeypox virus and then show them the most watched YouTube video of all time, a monkey sniffing its own fecal odor before contentedly passing out against a tree.

Oh, monkeys.

In every Curious George book, George wreaks havoc on the world.  People get hurt, things are broken, dreams are destroyed.

Someone always gets mad at George (and reasonably so) for all the stuff he’s screwed up.  And then someone always rushes to George’s defense and says, “But this monkey is the one who saved everything!”  And then everyone whole-heartedly agrees that George is a hero.  And then the Man with the Yellow Hat comes out smelling like roses, despite that he’s the one who recklessly abandoned his monkey in a train station/library/air control tower/strip club with no regard for human life.

Expect more of the same in this book.

In Curious George Goes to a Chocolate Factory, the Man with the Yellow Hat is obviously high as a kite and jonesing for chocolate.  With George in tow, he decides to stop at a chocolate factory to satisfy his munchies.  What could go wrong?

While there, the Man with the Yellow Hat decides to step out for an hour and snort a line of coke – but not before telling George to stay out of trouble while he’s gone.  Which is about like telling George to stop smearing his feces on the wall.  Not gonna happen.

While watching through a window with the other factory visitors, George spots his favorite chocolate on the conveyor belt – banana cream.  And for one fleeting second, I feel a Darwinian kinship to George – like he’s not so bad, like our DNA is more similar than I’d let on.  Because I’ve never once run across a banana cream among the nutty nougats and oozy garbage typically found in a box of chocolates.  And I’d argue that artificial banana flavor is the best artificial flavor of all time, beating out (1) artificial coconut, (2) artificial pistachio and (3) artificial bubble gum.  Indeed, this is a cause worth fighting for, George.

George enters the factory to get to the banana cream chocolates.  He begins eating them off the conveyor belt while the workers obliviously walk around him as if he’s camouflaged by a monkey-shaped chocolate suit.

But then – surprise, surprise – while reaching for a chocolate, George accidentally steps on the lever that speeds up the conveyor belt.

Chocolates fly off the belt.  Workers panic and cause a stampede.  A man is crushed to death in a gear collision.  Chaos ensues.

To play the hero, George jumps in and quickly puts the chocolates into boxes before they fall onto the floor.  He saves the chocolates, everyone!  Thank you, George!

Okay, pop quiz time.  Which would you rather have mixed in with your box of chocolates?  (A) Factory Floor Dust.  (B) Monkey Anus.

Trick question.  The correct answer was (C) Anything But Monkey Anus.

Of course, just as disaster is diverted by George, the Man with the Yellow Hat returns from his three-day drug binge with the innocent look of someone who’s played no role in causing an industrial holocaust.

Of course, the factory workers are so grateful for George’s “help” that they reward him with a box of chocolates.

George can’t eat a single one.  He groans and rubs his tummy that is now full with banana cream, his own feces and the mites he’s picked off the Man with the Yellow Hat.  He waves the chocolates away with his hand, which I interpret to mean, “They don’t taste as good when they’re not stolen.”

And with that, the Man with the Yellow Hat and Curious George wave goodbye and jump back in their car – off to the next town, where George will rob a gas station while the Man with the Yellow Hat steps out to visit a hooker.