celebrities

Oh Snap! I Gave Myself Hernia Laughing at This Post

You know reading the New York Times takes up time I could be spending on raising money for widowed orphans.

But that is the price I pay to be informed and what I became informed about today is the phenomenon of the humblebrag. Apparently people get on the twit network to broadcast their awesomeness by trying not to sound too, too awesome.

That is awesome.

It is something I want to learn to do because I want people to revel in my awesomeness, but not think I’m a self-absorbed dickhead.

Luckily there are several examples gathered by writer Harris Whittels on his Twitter feed.  I will present the original tweet and my practice run at the humblebrag. I only spent, like, 30 seconds on this so, you know, it might not be any good. It’s hard to work on humblebrags when so much of your emotional energy is spent thinking about endangered stink beetles #savethestink.

A pretty awesome humblebrag is the one where you point out how beautiful you are by tweeting “can you believe people think I’m beautiful? I’m wearing a raincoat for god’s sake!”

Like so:

toopretty

So, so crazy, right? Like, do these men have their eyes in backwards?

Here’s mine:

brucevilanch

In a similar vein is the “It’s really difficult to be skinny” humblebrag:

toothin

Seriously, when will that happen? I know Bethenny Frankel’s gravatar is her cover photo from Health magazine, but when will the media appreciate her for being famous for no reason?

Here’s my take:

nosehairs

Another popular humblebrag is the one where you point out your hanging with the popular kids in high school.

kidrock

Aw, Lance…from doing dope to hanging out with a dope. When will the hurtin’ end?

turd

Then there’s the humblebrag where you marvel at your life while name-dropping the shit out of something.

anglee

Oh wow. Do you work as a limo driver or something? Because that shit is cool.

nigerianprince

Then there’s the humblebrag where you feign amazement about your work.

wordsmoveme

Was it strange, Ben? I have strange feelings when I read my stuff too:

bowelmovement

Or you feign amazement about your general awesomeness:

flirtmaster

Are you flirting with me right now? It kind of feels like you are. And you are really good at it ;).

alphabetburp

Then there’s the humblebrag where you try to pretend you’re just a regular joe. Stars are just like us, you guys! Calm the fuck down.

flyregularstyle

I would totally be freaked out too if I had any idea who you are. It’s so weird when the nonspecials get so amazed by the specials, amirite?

metamucil

I think I might have the hang of this. Or maybe not.

It’s hard to get the hang of something new when you spend so much time bringing such happiness to the wordpress community.

But that’s just me, I’m selfless like that.

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If you liked this, and are looking to move your bowels, check out this post:

Forever Immobolized in Fleece

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

This will be short because there is funnel of gravy with my name on it.

What I’m thankful for:

  • funnels of gravy
  • priceless sculptures

exhibit A

  • families who pose in unitards

  • celebrities’ obligatory Thanksgiving comments

  • Advice books

  • Fifty Shades-inspired homages

And…..what am I missing?

Oh yes, all of you. For reals, people. This has been one of the most creatively fulfilling things I have ever done, and that’s saying a lot because I once covered a lawnmower race. All kidding aside, thanks for reading me, giving me inspiration and making me laugh.

Now go eat your weight in gravy. Even if you aren’t American and celebrating Thanksgiving, it’s still a great idea.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is why she has intruded on your holiday. 

The Pulse of Hair

Today is a day of celebrating discoveries.

I’m not talking about Chris Columbus arriving in Boston on the Mayflower to dump tea on the top of Plymouth Rock and then going on to direct Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire (reference: Palin, S. Going Rogue: An American Life.).

I’m talking about the latest hair craze that is tying the world into knots of frenzied excitement.

What is it? BRAINSSSSSSSS.

Sorry, I’m became a bit of a zombie there for a second, but I am watching the Today show so that is understandable.

What is it? BRAIDSSSSSSSS.

It’s made it’s way from the silver screen to the small screen to everywhere in between like Wendy from Wendy’s, braided rugs, this:

Columbus discovers the braid keeps his hair from entangling in hot tea at the Boston Tea Party Massacre of 1213 in Philadelphia.

I never really thought the braid left, but apparently the braid had mixed itself up with hemp and been in rehab until recently.

But now “the word on the runway is that the braid is back” according to Ann Curry.

Some old man says he’s seen it on the streets, on the red carpet. It even formed a rubber band. “Wow this is really cute,” he says using very appropriate language for an elder gentlemen of means.

Apparently the new braid is “edgy.” It’s not like the subdued braids worn by Pippi Longstocking.

It’s now no longer a question of who’s doing braids, it’s who isn’t, some random interviewee states. Has this really been weighing on people’s minds? Has anyone here reading this blog ever asked anyone in their life “Are you doing braids?” and now suddenly you have to change that question to “Are you not doing braids?” Could this just be summed up by looking at the person’s hair? So many questions. I feel all tangled (do you see what I did there? Yeah I don’t either).

This same random interviewee says the new and improved braid is loose and undone and “very much on the pulse of what’s going on in hair.” Well now at least someone is making sense in this segment.

The old man is back saying he opened up a braid bar in his salon and business is “gang busters.” It may also be really cute.

Braids give women freedom some random person says. They are the Emancipation Proclamation of hairstyles.

Now an US Weekly correspondent will “teach” us something about hair. This will become the norm once the public school system is completely decimated.

We see it on the tennis courts, the runway, celebrities, she lectures. “This is really a twist on the classic braid.”

I’m still not sure I get it….is the new braid different from the old braid? Hmmm I’m not sure the point has been made the 700 times it’s been said in this 5 minute segment.

Unlike neon and skinny jeans, the teacher teaches, the old and fat can get in on this action too. (I’m paraphrasing, but that is essentially what she said and I’ve learned so much). All the women of the world will be woven and intermingled together by the strands of their hair much in the same way plastic and other debris form giant garbage patches in the oceans.

So thank you Chris Columbus for “discovering” the Bahamas that eventually led to Europeans taking over North America and finally to the founding of the Today show and BRAINSSSSSSSS.