blogging

You Love My Lady Blumps

I’m in a bit of a blog slump.

I’m calling it a “blump.”

As you can tell I have quite a way with. . . um. . .you know, those things? Those things that fall from people’s mouths, but you can’t see them? You hear them. Those things or as I call them. . . um. . . invisible mouth falls. I am an invisible mouth falls-smith.

So the writing isn’t the toaster at all. Quite the contrary, it is quite fishsticks.

The problem is one of motivation.

I am totally crushing it in other facets of my life. For instance, my pizza shop is doing extremely well in Webkinz world.

webkinzking

And just yesterday, I took off the pair of sweatpants I had worn for three consecutive days in a row and put on another pair of sweatpants.

But I’m just feeling, as the French say, ma voiture est jaune.

I am not alone in this malaise. Becky of the unbelievable Becky Says Things blames the polar vortex and Nicki of the amazing Nicki Daniels Interview blames the cabin fever one succumbs to when one lives in the polar vortex.

polarshitshowThey may be on to something.

It might have something to do with this book I’m reading. It’s called The Sixth Extinction and it’s about our role in the extinction of countless species which may ultimately lead to our own extinction. To put it simply: we are fucked. Royally.

I just finished the chapter on frogs. Frogs are the cockroaches of animals. They can live anywhere except for Antarctica because SMART! They have been around longer than dinosaurs. And now they are dying and becoming extinct. Likely when I just typed this sentence, another frog species bit the dust.

So everything is awful and the world is ending, and this might be why I don’t want to write about Lindsay Lohan’s new reality show at OWN. What am I saying? Of course I will be writing about that.

There still is some pffttt happening. And the pffttt could be because some people have gotten a woody in the pants from the polar vortex. As if extreme cold is normal and not something to freak the fuck out about.

rushdickSo there.

Blumpsville.

At least I know how to end a blog post appro

Connect 4

The game is still afoot as Scooby Doo once said to Shaggy.

Head over to Le Clown’s Rodeo Hour to see what the blazes I’m talking about.

Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

If you guess right, you will be entered into a drawing to win something fantastic like the chance to do my laundry for a month–but even better!

Previous posts:

The Fun Will Never End

That’s not entirely true. The fun will end this Friday, but it feels like it will never end and that’s what’s only important–feelings.

If you haven’t a clue what I’m yammering about, I’m speaking of Le Clown’s Festival of Secular. Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

Even if you’re late to the game, you can still visit the Monday and Tuesday posts and make your guess. Any post you think is the best is the one that I wrote.

Have I mentioned the prizes? Oh, I just did. They will be something fantastic like sauna-pants fantastic.

Play today!

Shit’s Gettin Real

Wow…that’s a terrible title, but probably will help you pick my post out of the line up.

That’s right! It’s day 2 in the “Who Wrote This Post” contest over at Le Clown’s Clown Car Round-up

If you’re late to the game, you still have a shot to post a comment and guess who wrote the anonymous posts. You have the following choices:

There’s also a chance the post was written by Donald Trump or some other fictional character.

To give you a heads up, my post will not contain any Hugo reference or my standard stock photo nonsense like so:

nutsack

There are prizes! My prize is a picture of Hugo twerking on Miley Cyrus’s tongue. If that’s not incentive enough, I don’t know what is.

The Most Dangerous Game

No, not really, but I am participating in this cool “Guess Who Wrote This?” game over at Le Clown’s Clown Emporium.

Every day this week, an anonymous holiday post will run and you have to guess who wrote it. It could be Le Clown, Madame Weebles, Rarasaur, Jen of Sips of Jen and Tonic or me.

Or it could have been miraculized into being by White Baby Jesus. That’s how tricky this guessing game is.

I’m trying so hard not to give it away, but my piece has stuff in it and things too. And it’s running on a day that ends in “day.”

Fuck.

I totally just gave it away.

So please visit all week and boost up Le Clown’s stats (Dammit!!! Now I know why he did this!!!!) whilst mine continue their dive down the toilet.

I believe there are prizes. One is a $35-off coupon for a free lobotomy performed by Hugo. I realize that makes no sense, but I find it best never to question him.

Make me proud, people.

Ghosts of Writing Past

My WordPress draft folder is a minefield of missed opportunities.

Missed Opportunity #1:

What did I mean when I created a post titled “The State of Florida Loves Me” and then wrote nothing else?

floridahateI guess we’ll never know since I have no recollection of even creating this post. 

Missed Opportunity #2

I thought I had come up with a pretty good idea with this title:

Screen Shot 2013-11-14 at 3.22.09 PM

Attention-grabbing, yes? I came up with that snazzy title a few days before last year’s NaBloWriMo.

And what were my fantastic ideas?

This:

cattleprod

Pretty compelling, although I think I could really win if I ran on that platform given what passes for politicians these days (Mr. Speaker7 excluded).

Missed Opportunity #3

I could have joined Des on her journey toward finding fabricated marketing synergy on the latest incarnation of The Bachelorette. Instead I have a draft post filled with random notes taken during the premiere episode.  I’m 98 percent sure I was a bit intoxicated when I typed these:

  • People are saying words that follow the basic construct of sentences, but there is little to no meaning.
  • “Does your fairytale have a happy ending?” Chris Harrison opines. Are these people unfamiliar with fairytales? They’re bloody as shit, the real ones anyway. People eating children, fathers lopping off sons’ heads.
  • drilling fluid engineer is a naked coffee drinker…now I can die
  • dental student states: “I’m a Renaissance man”
  • wow it’s so surreal and boring and mouskatools.
  • guy brings a dead bird bone
  • hashtag dork
  • inside, the men circle jerk
  • creepy banker nicknames her Venus. I come up with a nickname “Pathetic loser” Nailed it.
  • date rapist sent home early for trying to date rape Des all night

Sorry, no rose for you, gentle reader

Missed Opportunity #4

This had no title. I’m guessing I wanted to write something about lapses in judgment, but could only churn out this:

This was a lapse in judgment. This can happen some time.

For instance, someone in the employ of Huffington Post created this news banner:

sex news

Just what is “sex news” anyways? **Breaking SEX NEWS: Sir Mix-A-Lot Still Prefers Big Butts**

I think a “Sex News” post has to happen in the future.

Missed Opportunity #5

My son said this to me: “You’re sick in the mouth.”

I’m not quite sure what he meant, but I thought I could piece together a post about “Things My Son Tells Me”…but then I got sick in the mouth and abandoned it.

Missed Opportunity #6

This title came after seeing a picture of a Facebook “friend” in black face and other “friends” liking and commenting.

whitepeopleAnd only this simple missive:

blackface

What drafts do you have lingering about?

Speaker7 has a couple drafts of this post, but this one turned out to be the best. Sorry. Speaker7 continues to slog through this hellish long month of November as a member of the Nano Poblano team.

Speaker7′s Writing Process

Someone recently asked me:

Speaker7, how are you able to be so beautiful with that scorching case of herpes on your face?

No, I’m remembering that wrong. I believe someone asked how I went about writing during this scorching herpes infestation known as NaBloWriMo. This reader wondered if I planned ahead or drank until I made Nicholas Cage’s character in Leaving Las Vegas look like a baby chipmunk in comparison.

That is a great question and by no means a straw man I created in order to have something to write about today because jesus christ what else is there? I did just eat Reese Peanut Butter cups for dinner. . . is that something I should write indepth about?

So this is what happens:

I get home from work and realize I have exactly 60 minutes over the course of the next four hours to think of a post, write a post and schedule it

Sometimes I find it helpful just to start typing to get into the “flow.” The “flow” is that sweet spot where the whole world dissolves and the writer is completely caught up in the moment.

It usually doesn’t work for me so I take a break.

I go into a quiet place and think about the big issues affecting our world. I wonder what I have to say about these big issues.

Two minutes later, my son will come into the room and announce that a snail is after him and we have to hide in the dining room curtains for the next 20 minutes.

We will do this for the next hour. Then it’s back to the writing process.

I decide to engage in activities that will stimulate the creative juices. I remember that exercise is key to a healthy mind.

I remember reading how the 18th century poet Friedrich Schiller kept decaying fruit in his writing space because he believed it stimulated his creativity. I do not have fruit apart from a pouch of Halloween Fruit Snacks™ I unearth from my son’s trick-or-treat bag. I realize that grapes are fruit and that wine is made from grapes so I decide to crack a bottle. Now I’m gaining some perspective.

I am in the zone. Things are cooking!

Is it possible that I could get away with another post complaining about the difficulties of writing a post every day? That’s what I’ve been getting away with 99.95% of the time now. Yes, I think my readers will be pleased.

I know! I’ll do some more gifs!

In case you were unaware, Speaker7 is writing a post every day this month as part of Nano Poblano Team. This is her last post with gifs…maybe. Check back tomorrow.

Deep Thoughts with Speaker

This post is dedicated to Darla of She’s a Maineiac for giving me a post idea during this hell I call “Daily Posting Shitball Fuck.”

If you remember just a few short days ago I posted about How To Write a Daily Post. One of the suggestions was to create a post of pretty pictures coupled with platitudes. So this is mine. Prepare to be inspired:

inspirelemon

inspiration2

inspire3

inspire4

inspire5

inspire6

inspire7

inspire10

inspire11

inspirationorange

It is never too late to stop posting every day…except it is too late for Speaker7. She is part of the Nano Pablona Team this month of November posting as fast as a bear can shit in the woods. 

Best Politician’s Wife

Today I will be going on a “lit drop.”

This is not to be confused with a “trou drop” the act where one drops one’s pants in public. This is where I go to strangers’ houses and drop campaign literature in the hopes that they do not notice and/or berate me. At these moments, I wish for the stealth of Santa Claus or that guy who drops his candy wrappers in my empty recycling bins without fail every trash day.

I may have mentioned Mr. Speaker7 is running for elected office. He has been going door-to-door since June. On Tuesday it all comes to a close.

I’ve been helping out by grumbling “I fucking hate this” the five seconds I see him during the week and doing this lit drop three days before election day. My joke is that I’m planning to vote for his opponents.

I think I will win as “Best Politican’s Wife.”

This is my second lit drop. I did another before the primary in September. One household had a sweet set of rusty chainsaws on their front porch. At another I had some bearded guy leer at me “You don’t have to worry about getting fat, you walk so fast.”

There’s a reason for that, Beard Guy, and it might have a little something to do with you.

I do so love the general public. This was why whenever a man-on-the-street reporting assignment came up, I was the first to run out onto a highway to get flattened by a tractor trailer. Ooh, really?!? Can I knock on people’s doors and ask them about the hotter-than-hellfire weather?

But I’m doing it again. I’m doing it because Mr. Speaker7 is a rarity in this political time. He believes government does provide services that can help a community grow and prosper. He believes government is a necessity in a functioning democracy.  His opponents believe government is the problem, and the only solution is to make it ineffective by rendering it useless. Cuts and privatization for all!

This guy knows what I’m talking about:

dafuk?

Right on, man. You do realize you’re standing on a road that was built by the government, right?

This month the Hon. Speaker7 will be writing a daily post as part of the Nano Pablona Team. They won’t all be winners, people, but hopefully Mr. Speaker7 will be. Don’t forget to vote on Tuesday. 

How To Write a Daily Post

So you’ve done something moronic, like made some blood oath about writing a daily post. At this point you’re likely thinking:

What the fucking shitballs did I just sign up for??!??

Easy, friend. We can get through this, if we follow these steps:

1. Quantity not quality is key. You’re not sculpting the Mona Lisa, which means you have little to no time to actually research anything or write with authority. Studies show that writing the word “boobs” a zillion times will attract a frat house. How do I know that? I just fucking made it up because I’m a moron who made some blood oath to write every day.

2. Revisit a post from the past. Unless you’re a writing god who was blessed with being Freshly Pressed on your first try, no one except your mom and maybe that dude you have locked in your prison dungeon read your first post. Nothing wrong with retreading on old ground. Nothing wrong with featuring this gem again:

wordpressstarterpost

3. Publish a single post as a trilogy. Have your read Fifty Shades of Grey? That trilogy has one plot point–two imbeciles boinking and murmuring at each other–and E.L. James stretched that shit out for 1,500,000 pages. There’s no reason you can’t do the same: For example:

part 1

part 2

part3

4. Post pretty pictures and make up some platitude to go with it. This is what comprises 95 percent of my Facebook newsfeed.

inspiration5. Be resigned to letting everything else in your life go into the toilet. Jobs and family are overrated compared to the glory and fame one can receive as an unpaid blogger. They will all still be there in December (maybe).

6. Use filler. Let’s be honest–no one’s really reading this whole thing, right? So why can’t you just stick in some gobbily-gook that they use in brochure templates to pad it out? Dolor aliquam mauris mauris lobortis dolorem convallis mauris. Euismod urna elit adipiscing pharetra nullam elit.

Speaker7 is part of the Nano Pablona Team, the team that will be taking over the world. . . She’s just been informed that the team is only supporting each other’s efforts in writing a daily post this month. Dolor aliquam mauris mauris lobortis dolorem convallis mauris.