bad hairpieces

Will You Take It In the Ear With Me?

So a lot of shit has been happening. . . not monumental shits, but those little rabbit pellets that make going number 2 so uncomfortable and unsatisfying.

First off, my son has been sick since Saturday. He is very tired in the morning so I end up rocking him to sleep instead of catching up on my blog reading and posting comments like “Balls!” Today I even watched the Today show, which exposed me to this:

Judging from the first 2 seconds, I think I won’t like it.

Second off, my son has been throwing up onto his sheets. We’re moving so extra sheets are packed away. This is problematic.

Third off, we’re moving! When? Three days after my tonsillectomy surgery.

Fourth off, I’m getting my tonsils out. When? Next Monday. I will pack them in one of the moving boxes.

Fifth off, my gall bladder is rivaling my tonsils for my attention. It has “sludge”– whatever that is–and is basically performing like Britney Spears did at the Video Music Awards in 2007, meaning its slowing down my digestion much like Britney sleepwalked through her performance of a forgettable song. It will likely have to come out. My doctor said I should try to find an ENT with an extra long knife who can take out both my tonsils and gall bladder so I punched him in his gall bladder. I get to be injected with a radioactive dye that might possibly give me superpowers. Or not.

So rabbit-pellet shitballs.

But will this stop me from celebrating Take It In The Ear Day on Saturday?

Fuck no. Even with all the chaos, boxes, vomit, bad hairpieces, sludge and tonsil stones, I have still manage to cobble an assortment of objects I plan to take in my ear.

Here is a small sampling:

  • a green bean
  • Hugo’s finger
  • a corkscrew
  • a waffle iron
  • a pair of stirrup pants
  • John Travolta and Olivia Newton John’s Christmas album

What is Take It In The Ear Day?

Even Hallmark doesn’t know.

takeitinearexplanation

Hallmark’s ignorance has not prevented it from crafting exquisite Take It In The Ear cards.

takeitinearcard

PetSympathyCardMH15514

What will you take in your ear this Saturday?