Maximum Rage

Back in 1994, at my first post-collegiate job, I earned a whopping $4.50 an hour. This was a whole quarter above the minimum wage so you could basically say I was living the high life.

I was an “online server” in a coffee house back when online meant actually being on a line and handling a variety of insane customers–kinda of like the Internet with less anonymity.

I fondly remember “scone man.” He would hand me two heavily-stained coffee mugs that likely never touched soap and spent 10 minutes selecting the best scone. One day, he gave me the honor of selecting the scone for him. I felt I had reached the pinnacle of my career. As I rang him up, he took the scone out of the bag, inspected it, placed it back inside the bag, swung the bag around his head and slammed it three times against the counter.

“Yeah, nice and soft,” he said and left.

Nearly 20 years later, the minimum wage is a whole $3 more, and many minimum wage workers are protesting that is not nearly enough to live on.

While a minium wage annual income is a couple of thousands below the poverty line, low-income workers are missing one crucial point:

We have way more choices on TV.

Back in 1968 when the minimum wage was at its peak and would have been the equivalent of $10.60 in today’s dollars, TV was kind of lame.

There was only a couple of channels. Nothing was 24 hours. News was actually news.

Boresville.

But now?

While low-income workers might not earn enough to have three decent daily meals, they can watch a buttload of cooking shows that almost makes you feel like you’ve eaten. There’s Top Chef  and the 4,000 other cooking shows that want to be Top Chef.

I wish I could take credit for this brilliant insight, but the credit is all due to Virginia Postrel, a writer and supposed human, who wrote a compelling piece for Bloomberg.com titled “Who Needs a Raise When You Have TV?”

Who indeed.

I mean just the other day, I was thinking my 14-year-old car with its 170,000 miles might not last another year and could I really afford a car payment and then I saw a clip of Miley Cyrus twerking on a three-day-old burrito and I thought….well, I forgot.

Because TV is awesome.

Postrel acknowledges that wages have stagnated over the last four decades, but for fuck’s sake poor people, you’ve got Duck Dynasty (slight paraprase). You don’t have to worry about how you’ve been left behind by the Kardashians because you can keep up with them on DVR.

Postrel reports we watch way more television now because what the fuck else are you going to do as you kill time between your first and second job? Or maybe you have the “ample leisure time” to watch hours of Fox News reports insisting a minimum wage increase will break the bank because your hours have been cut just before the holiday season or you were just laid off.

So buck up, poor person. Turn on that TV to that yuletide log burning in the fireplace so you aren’t reminded that you haven’t paid your heating bill and revel in the abundance.

The End

We have finally crossed the NaBloWriMo finish line! Doesn’t it feel great?

No, not really. I kind of feel like one of those marathon runners who can’t control their legs or bowels and collapses into a fecal-covered mess at the end.

According to my stats, the most popular post of the month was Deep Thoughts With Hugo. Typical.

hugothinksMy least popular post was If the Bra Fits which was about my chest and how I could not find a bra to fit it properly.

hugothinks2Thanks, Hugo.

I was curious to examine my writing this month so I stuck a bunch of passages into Wordle to create a word cloud. If you are unfamiliar with Wordle, the more you use a word, the bigger it will appear in your word cloud. I seem to be a big user of “just” and “fuck”

wordcloudSince it is The End, I would be remiss if I didn’t thank my dear friend Jen of Sips of Jen and Tonic for agreeing to engage in this exercise of despair and masochism. I also like to thank rarasaur for organizing the Nano Poblano Team, a team of bloggers that I may now have the time to actually visit their blogs, BlogHer and YeahWrite.

And in conclusion, just fuck celebrity side butt.

 

 

 

Gift-Giving Tips

It is the time of year where giving is better than receiving and some such shit.

But what do you do if you’re stuck buying a gift for the person a) who has everything or b) you know very little about or c) I’m bored right now.

Here are some fantastic suggestions:

For the wine connoisseur and/or alcoholic:

giantwineglass

Comes with $25 off coupon for Promises Rehab center.

For the water enthusiast and/or strangler

waterproofstranglegloves

Waterproof stangler gloves.

For the sportsfan and/or person for whom life has no meaning:

nflpotatosack

For the time stickler and/or person you hate quite a bit, but are passive/aggressive about it

buttclock

Only $2 at Walmart.

For the art collector and/or the person who posts inspirational posts constantly on Facebook

faithfootball

Other possible “f” woods: failure, forlorn, feeble-minded, fuck, fucknut, fart, fartnozzle, etc.

For the outsdoorsy sort and/or person who has trouble deciding on whether the knife or gun is the best murder weapon

gunknifesets

And for the person who poops:

deertoiletpaperholderMerry Consumerism to all and to all a good buy!

*Thanks to the LTD Commodities website for providing all these fantastic gift ideas.

Speaker7 is nearly done with this daily posting nonsense and will soon find peace with her reindeer toilet paper holder. 

Hugo Gives Thanks

Hugo feels he has not been in the spotlight enough during the daily posting fecal maelstrom known as NaBloWriMo so I decided to let him share what he’s thankful for this Thanksgiving.

hugothanksOkay. Not too creepy. I like the hat.

hugothanks2Aw, that’s kind of sweet, Hugo.

hugothanks3Okay, this is getting a bit weird.

hugothanks4Um…

hugothanks5Maybe talk about something else?

hugothanks6Ew.

hugothanks7Uh…

hugothanks8Okay, I’m going to stop this….what? You have one more, Hugo?

Fine. Go ahead.

hugothanks9Wonderful.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Speaker7 is engorging on gravy today, the greatest day of all. She has only a few posts left thank gravy!

What Will Speaker7 Write Next?!?

Fuck, guys.

Did you realize there are only three blog posts left in NaBloWriMo?

You’re likely on pins and needles wondering what subject I’m going to conquer next.

You and me both, brother. Seriously, I don’t know what the fartnozzle I’m going to write about. Hm…fart nozzles? Is that a thing?

I imagine there will be some faux thankful post about me being thankful for nonsense.

kimyebound3Or maybe a round-up of the best stuff I got or best injuries I inflicted on others on Black Friday’s Eve.

solarcrystalmemorialstakeOr maybe some kind short filler post because–hey look, a poll!

Holiday Etiquette

Recently, the Today show had a really compelling news segment about etiquette at holiday gatherings.

badetiquette

It mainly focused on shoes and what you should do if your host requests you take them off when you enter her house:

footjuice

Is this really a question? I could see an issue if the host asks you to insert a mini catheter into yourself so as not to defile her sparkling bathroom, but shoes in winter? Duh.

I guess it is a legitmate question because Lester Holt and an anchor I’m too lazy to look up stretched this out for nearly six minutes. They even consulted a comedian because….news.

toejamI’ll admit, I likely don’t exhibit the best etiquette. At parties, I’m usually the person standing directly in front of the potato chip bowl, shoveling potato chips into my mouth and growling at others who approach me. And I will stay there until all the chips are gone. Then I will leave and cry in a gutter.

I also don’t know if I drink from the water glass to the right or to the left of the placemat so I usually drink out of both. 

But I do–at least I think I do–have a sense of how not to behave like a fucknut at gatherings that include other human beings. Since the Today show was surprisingly unhelpful, I thought I would take over the news for awhile and provide some etiquette tips of my own.

Speaker7′s Holiday Etiquette Tips

1. Don’t be a dick.

2. Don’t deliever political diatribes especially if you are just meeting someone new. For example, don’t say “Global warming is caused by all those sluts getting abortions. What are your plans for the holidays?” That kind of kills the holiday spirit. (see #1)

3. Don’t go near the potato chip bowl.

4. Don’t go spastic if someone says “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Birth Jesus Day.” There are multiple holidays in this month and multiple belief systems and see #1.

5. Don’t make a face if you don’t like your secret Santa present. Just be thankful someone gave you something and it wasn’t a venereal disease.

6. Wash your hands frequently.

Anyone else have some tips they’d like add?

Speaker7 politely thanks you for visiting her blog and reading her writing. She is a member of Nano Poblano Team during this month of writing daily pfffttttt…..Speaking of pffttttt, Speaker7 is looking for post ideas so if you got ‘em, share ‘em. 

The Famous Ride of Rush Revere

Great news, everybody!

America’s favorite anal fissure is writing books for children.

rushrevere

Rush was inspired to write the book “to correct the historical record as it’s been distorted in the public school system.”

I get where Rush is coming from. I can imagine it’s very difficult to be a rich, white, heterosexual man in America–never seeing yourself reflected in the top leadership positions, never having your story heard in the history books, feeling marginalized by a lack of opportunities.

It is time for the real history to be heard and who better to tell it than the man who said “when women got the right to vote is when it all went downhill”?

Preach!

The basic premise of the book is Rush plays some heroic middle school substitute teacher who can go back in time with the help of oxycontin a talking horse. Of course, Rush would be a substitute rather than a souless public school teaching leech latched onto the public teat and beholden to the Evil Union Overlords.

Along the way, he attempts to score various opiates and boner-drugs from those time periods–oh and celebrate America’s exceptionalism.

The book was already Amazon bestseller before it was even released, prompting Rush to write more tomes for the kiddies.

Seeing how Rush views a big portion of the population–women, gays, African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, all minorities, progressive thinkers, non-Dittoheads–I’m sure his view of history is likely the correct one, like when he said the NAACP “should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.”

Amazingly enough, I was able to obtain some galleys from his upcoming books.

Rush Revere Visits the Founding Fathers

foundingfathers

foundfathers2

Rush Revere Visits the Slave Plantation

slaveplantationRush Revere Visits Women Suffragists

womenrights

Rush Revere Visits Ronald Reagan

ronaldreagan

Nearly there, nearly there. Only a few days left in this hellish landscape known as NaBloWriMo. Speaker7 continues to plug away as a member of The Nano Poblano Team.

I’m Thankful For Shopping Orgy

Is anyone else annoyed that Thansgiving falls smack dab in the middle of Hallowed Black Friday Weeklong Extravaganza Shopping Orgy?

Just like this guy,

blackfridayorgy

From USA Today – this guy set up his tent on 11/19.

I was getting ready to set up my tent outside Walmart this Saturday when my mom calls with: “Thanksgiving will be at 4 p.m. at Aunt Janet’s house. Can you bring a pecan pie?”

I replied as respectfully as I could:  “Jesus christ, mom. Are we still fucking doing this shit? Thanksgiving? More like Nothanksgiving.”

There is no way I’m leaving my tent and losing out on a $2 Personalized Snowmen Stick Family Doormat, which clearly shows my love of family togetherness.

doormat

I thought we had agreed as a society to retire this lame “thankfulness” nonsense and celebrate what the holidays are truly about–my ability to buy a LEGO® Legend of Chima set at half the price. And if I have to destroy every man, woman and child in the process, so be it.

These people get it:

blackfrihappinessThe stores are doing what they can by opening earlier and earlier and offering too-good-too-pass-up-even-though-my-grandparents-may-not-be-around-much-longer-and-this-is-the-only-time-I-ever-see-my-sister deals. Like this:

Hepatitis optional.

Hepatitis optional.

So let’s do our part, gentle reader. Let’s kick the stuffing out of Thanksgiving for good.

Speaker7 will be writing the rest of the posts during NaBloWriMo from her tent outside of Walmart. 

Why I Don’t Participate in NaNoWriMo

For starters, I just went through the local shopping circular to find daily post ideas. Did you know that laundromat on Main Street offers free Tide on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Holy fuck that’s a good deal.

I tried NaNoWriMo once a long time ago when I was a wee lass filled with big dreams and hope. I lasted two days. I just don’t have the stamina for novel writing. I start strong, but  peter out, kind of like a Rand Paul speech before he lifts full paragraphs from Wikipedia and Ayn Rand’s LiveJournal.

I do have awesome book ideas so maybe you, one of my faithful readers, can take one of my ideas and make something out of it.

1. Fifty Shades of Twilight

Bellana Swansteele is a virginal factory worker in a silver bullet factory. Edwarstian Cullgrey is a wealthy werewolf. Bellana is inexplicably drawn to Edwarstian when he pisses a circle of urine around her.  They become lovers the night Edwarstian humps her leg vigorously, but will their love survive? Edwarstain can’t seem to stay off the furniture and eats the newspaper. Bellana has mousy brown hair, an inner goddess and a super vagina. She knows Edwarstian is dangerous because he sheds and claws up her couch. She believes her super vagina can change him for the better or at least train him to use the litter box. Holy cowshit!

fiftyshadesoftwilight

2. The Next Gone Girl

I don’t really have anything more to add to this. I just figured any book that outright said it was the next Gone Girl  in the title would be an instant bestseller. Shit, you could probably make it about that laundromat offering free Tide on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then have the Tide replaced by Gain to give it a twist.

3. The Bob Ross Code

Symbologist Tom Hanks discovers a murdered body by a velvet clown painting at the Antique Roadshow and thus uncovers a battle between the Scions of Elmo and the Muppets of Grover over the possibility that Snuffleupagus was really the son of Gordon. The velvet painting bears the inscription “happy little trees” which Hanks sees as a clue to solving the puzzle of Snuffleupagus’ paternity.

bobrosscode

4. The Fat Games

This distopyian novel is set in the distant United States where obese people are put on display and subject to ridicule by a short, toned, shrieking thing called The Jillian. The Jillian forces the obese subjects to do push-ups on camera and strip down to their skivvies for the weekly weigh-in. She tortures them with platitudes like “Unless you puke, faint or die, keep going.” Will this boring nightmare ever end?

thejillian

5. Men Are From Sportsland and Women Are From Menstruationland

Men and women are so different–it’s like they’re from other lands or planets even!?! Men like to hunt and rape bears while women like to sew and bathe in chocolate. Men eat batteries. Women drink buckets of orphan tears. Men like to dangle their dingles off bridges while women like to get paid less for the same job. Will these two genders ever see boob to eye?

menandwomen

So get writing….you just have to promise me 50% of the profits.

Speaker 7 is not writing a novel but is writing a post every day as part of the Nano Poblano Team. This may make a good novel idea….or not.

Sexiest Meat Bag Time

Oh gentle reader, I can’t tell you how much I look forward to this time of year.

There’s that special holiday, Black Friday’s Eve, when all the people come together and beat the shit out of each other at Walmart for a $2.00 Himalayan Salt Foot Detox:

himalayansaltdetoxAnd there’s the announcement of People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

People has a knack for picking the blandest sexiest men alive–Bradley Cooper, Ryan Reynolds. I believe one year, People actually selected a roll of paper towels, Brawny® brand of course.

This year People has outdone itself by choosing the amazingly douchey Adam Levine.

Don’t believe me?

levinedoucheWhen one is crowned King Beefcakefishsteak, one gets to pontificate on why one is so beefcakefishsteak.

Actual quote from the article.

Actual quote from the article.

We get to learn about all of Adam’s tattoos. He got a dove five days after the September 11th terrorist attacks because…he’s a douche. A patriotic douche, but a douche nonetheless.

He doesn’t do tattoos below the waist because “you can’t do the hands; that’s sacred too. That’s what you make things with.”

adampeepee

If you are unfamiliar with Adam’s celebrity, he is a songwriter. He is not a brain-damaged umbrella stand. I can understand if you are confused.

He claims he wrote the best lyric at 20. It was:

“Old MacDonald had a douche. Ding-dong Ding-dong-o”

I’m joking.

It was:

“If I could bottle up the chills that you give me, I would keep them in a jar next to my bed.”

I am not kidding.

When I was 7, I was in a band with my two cousins called The Three Night Waves. We sang a song that went like this:

We’re the three night waves

the three night waves

the three night waves

for you and us

for all of us

That song is infinitely better.

According to Adam, you can best convey what you want with what you say.

Genius really, and all this time I’ve been conveying my wants through crop circles.

buttphilosophyAdam believes in waxing his arms and frequent massaging because he works out so much, but draws the line at mani-pedis because “you’ve got to retain some sort of masculine characteristics. You can’t trim yourself into a tizzy and become a woman.”

True, but you can say things that transform yourself into a monumental douche.

Speaker7 is still plugging along as a member of the Nano Poblano Team. She’s sorry if you think Adam Levine is sexy, but seriously? He seems like an incredible assface douchecanoe.