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How to Make a New Year’s Resolution

speaker7:

Whoop-de-doo. I have a post up at the other place The Official How To Blog.

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

2013 is quickly coming to a close, and with it all your crushed dreams, mediocre sexcapades, Bieber retirement announcements and dashed hopes. But there’s a brand new year on the horizon, and now is the time to set up your list of resolutions.

Follow this advice to create the greatest resolution list known to man.

1. “I will lose weight”

Nearly everyone’s New Year’s list will include the phrase “I will lose weight.” And you will go to the supermarket that first week in January and buy celery and sawdust and maybe even that Jillian Michael’s exercise ball in the shape of her mouth, and then the celery will wilt, a bird will make a nest out of the sawdust, and you will be eating a stick of butter coated in nutella on top of a partially deflated exercise ball that has become part of your ass structure. A…

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How To Work From Home

speaker7:

The lovely and talented Jen Tonic is blogging at The Official How To Blog today.

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

Thinking about working from home? Take this short quiz to find out if it’s for you:

  • Do you want to work from home?

If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to any of the above questions, then working remotely is right for you. The following steps will help you find success in the virtual work world.

Step 1. Convince your employer it’s a good idea to let you work from home

Most people make the mistake of giving a presentation showcasing why working remotely is more productive than working in an office setting. All this does is convince your boss you hate her by forcing her to lose minutes of her life listening to your boring pitch. I prefer the Liability Method wherein you sprain your thumb in a freak copier accident, or sexually harass yourself in front of others. Legal will be more than happy to keep their “lawsuit on legs” out…

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How To Put Together Porch Furniture

speaker7:

Just like the work of another carpenter I know, I think my craftsmanship is almost god-like. Check it out on The Official How To Blog.

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

Spring is here, and with that the obligation to do things outside and make property look acceptable to judging neighbors.

A few months back, I purchased a home in a family-friendly neighborhood. My previous home fronted a four-lane state highway and was a block away from the local hospital. This passed for landscape design:

amazingdecorIt set the perfect backdrop for the time my neighbor’s daughter decided to pour gasoline onto my driveway.

But now I must keep up with the Jones’ or the Smith’s or whatever their names may be, I’m not very neighborly. So I ordered wicker porch chairs from Target. This is how they arrived:

This does not look like a chair.

This does not look like a chair.

And this is how my amazing how-to on How To Put Together Porch Furniture came into being.

Step 1. Open box and dump out all the parts. Weep.

chairinpartsStep 2: Look for the directions.

"Helloooooooo??"

“Helloooooooo??”

Step…

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How to Tell if Your New Followers Are Real or Not.

speaker7:

For some reason, I thought my increase in subscribers was due to my new legwarmers, but alas I have learned it is something else entirely.

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

You may have noticed an uptick in new followers recently. This may have led to such thinking like:

“I have finally arrived.”

“That book deal is just around the corner.”

“Maybe I don’t need that job that pays all the bills?”

This is erroneous thinking–except in my case. Seriously, you should see the number of followers I have now, and I haven’t even written anything. People are really starting to get into what I’m writing, or in this instance, not writing. I have arrived, world!

But let’s get back to you. Your new followers. There’s a good chance they are not real. How can you tell?

This is why this blog exists, and why you’re following it, like all those other real followers who began following in the last few weeks. Follow these steps to determine if you’ve found a new loyal reader or soul-crushing robot bent on your complete…

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speaker7:

All Hail King Jerkfry

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

You’re out and about, living your life. You’re looking to post a cute and snappy status update on Facebook like “Sunday? More like Wineday, amirite ladies” when your newsfeed is suddenly inundated with updates like these:

gameupdate

Oh Wildlingballs! Another season of Game of Thrones has started, and once again you will have nothing to talk about at Friday’s happy hour. You don’t get HBO. You attempted the books, but the pages and pages of the various Houses were enough to make you turn to Honey Boo Boo for brain sugar.

But not all is lost. Winter isn’t coming yet. These following steps will help you carry on a Game of Thrones conversation like a Dothraki Khal with a 48-inch long braid.*

*Full disclosure: I’ve read the first two books and just started the third and have no idea what the godswood is going on half the time or who anyone…

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speaker7:

Um…hi…uhhhh….so…..this is awkward.

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

Today’s post is brought to you by Speaker7.

Oh…um…Hi. How are things? …um…

Well…er…how ’bout that rain? It’s been like raining with water and stuff.

So…um…I’ve been asked to write about small talk so…okay…um…I’ll do that now?

1. Introduce yourself. It will give you something to talk about for two seconds. You might be tempted to make up a name to give you something else to talk about it– “Hi. I’m Casey Anthony!”–but don’t. You could possibly run into this person again, and the next bout of small talk will be even more awkward if you can’t remember what name you gave.

2. Stick to safe topics. Some suggestions:

  • weather 

weathertalk

  • the room you’re in — “How ’bout this floor, huh?”
  • Donald Trump’s hairpiece — “So, do you think his hair is made out of urine-soaked hamster bedding?”

3. Stay away from hot-button issues like:

  • politics 

politicking

  • religion

religion

  • motherhood

motherhood4…

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How To Read 50 Shades of Grey

speaker7:

Alice of Alice at Wonderland has a guest post up at The Official How To Blog. I believe it mentions butt plugs so you know it has to be a good.

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

Alice of Alice at Wonderland has been slogging through the literary anal dribblings of E.L. James for what feels like an eternity. There is only so much “Fair point, well made Miss Steele/Mrs. Grey” and “Laters baby” one can read before one feels as if they’ve been sucked into a Groundhog-Day-like reality of which there is no escape.

If after reading the above paragraph, you still desire to pore through the monotonous ramblings of an author who knows neither plot or character development, then Alice has prepared a handy how-to on how to slog through this pile o’crap.

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Have you wondered what all the fuss was about with 50 Shades, but been scared to read it?  Of course you have!  With this simple guide, you can read 50 Shades of Grey and possibly keep your sanity.

How To Read 50 Shades

  1. Download it to your e-reader.  Then if someone…

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How To Take The Joy Out of Education

speaker7:

Heather from Becoming Cliche has a guest post up at The Official How To Blog today!

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

Heather of Becoming Cliche joins The Official How To Blog today to tackle the issue of super-duper education policy that has thankfully turned our public school students into bubbling machines. You’ve got a circle that needs to be colored in? By all means, grab your nearest eight-year-old cuz that kid knows what’s up. Incidentally that same child might not know what’s up in the sky because science is optional.

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1) Determine the best way to measure success.  This means test scores. Duh! There’s no such thing as potential that can’t be measured. If it ain’t on the score sheet, it ain’t there, folks. 

2) Use test scores appropriately. Preferably to pigeonhole kids so we know where to focus our attention. No sense pouring money down a sinkhole, after all. Bad score? No Honors English for you next year. What? You didn’t take  Honors English this year? Sorry, no…

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How to peel an orange

speaker7:

Is this you?
“I’m trying to peel this orange, and I just sliced my face open with a chainsaw!!?!”
Well, slice your face open with a chainsaw while peeling an orange no longer!
Merbear of the Knocked Over with a Feather Empire has a guest post up at The Most Official How to Blog that will teach you the skillz to peel the orange billz.

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

Merbear of Knocked Over By a Feather felt compelled to write about a serious topic that has been affecting many, many people: the struggle of citrus encapsulation, or SOCE.

Before Merbear submitted her informative post, I had been peeling my oranges with a banana peel because I thought that was its purpose. Now I know more and you can too!

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Step one: Check to see how long your nails are. If they are short and nubby, your going to need an extra five minutes, if not longer.

 DSCN1721 (2)

Step 2: Squeeze the orange to check for thickness of the rind. Get a good feel for it. Rub it. Become one with it. Learn the language of citrus.

DSCN1722 (2)

Step 3: Gently place your thumb at the top of the orange. Press firmly, until you smell the delightful aroma of oranges permeate the air. Imagine yourself on a boat by a river…(This process…

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speaker7:

Came across this new blog. It’s outstanding! Do I think this because I created it? That is as much of a mystery as what happened to the first six speakers. Don’t feel obligated to follow although I will engage in step 4 if you don’t, and it will be uncomfortable and awkward for all involved. This blog is also looking for writers–unpaid of course because money corrupts all–so if interested, contact TOHTB today.

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

You have just started a blog. No one cares.

Follow these sure-fire steps to increase your readership tenfold. Do not be swayed by the fact that this blog has no followers. It will once I follow the steps that I will create from consulting a magic eight ball.

Step 1: Write about popular topics. Simply mentioning Fifty Shades will drive traffic to your blog. Do not worry. You do not have to actually read the book. Other popular topics:

  • salsa
  • the dust bowl
  • sequestration
  • VHS vs. Betamax

Step 2: Include pictures. People like to look at stuff, but good stuff not crap stuff. Design your own composite of Christian Grey (seriously Fifty Shades will get you hits). Something like this:

The smoldering combination of Donald Trump hair, Michele Bachman eyes, Gonzo the Muppet nose and Gary Busey mouth. Holy cow!

The smoldering combination of Donald Trump hair, Michele Bachmann eyes, Gonzo the Muppet nose and Gary Busey mouth. Holy cow!

Step 3: Douse your blog in generous amounts of Axe…

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