Author: speaker7

Listen to me.

Speaker7 Explains About Dames

Oh for the love of pete! Why are you women so hard to understand? Seriously–like what’s with the shoes and the chocolate and the shoe chocolate and the chocolate shoe and shoes and shoes’ chocolate shoe of chocolate?

It’s enough to make a guy crazy or at least write an incredibly insightful article titled “20 Things Men Will Never Understand” that was recycled from Maxim cologne ads and rejected According to Jim scripts.

I have a vagina. I just checked. I feel I might be able to shed light on these things of 20 that men will never understand.

1. Why you say the opposite of what you mean.

First let me say that this is such a good article. Women are all the same. All the same. From Miley Cyrus to Malala Yousafzai, we are one giant monolithic group that likes to say “I’m fine” when we mean “I want to jab this corkscrew in your frontal lobe”. Why do we do it? So we don’t murder you. And shoes. I like shoes and math is hard.

2. Your fascination with shoes.

Yup. We gals like shiny baubles and laser pointers. All of us. Even women without feet.

3. Why you won’t tell us what’s bothering you.

3rdmystery

This seems like a retread of the first mystery of non-understanding. See the answer to number 1.

4. Why you won’t order your own fries.

Easy. We’re all fat. And we can’t tell you that bothers us because we can’t tell you what is really wrong and I’m fine and shoes.

5. How you’re so good at multitasking.

This is true. I’ve been able to simultaneously roll my eyes and look up how to spell “simultaneously” at the same time.

6. How you’re able to sleep like that.

Obamacare.

7. Why you ask about our exes so much.

Because we’re all Bravo Real Housewives and get into catfights and meow and shoes and mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds.

8. How you expect me to remember all those details.

Because our lives are so very, very small.

9. Why you ask questions when you know you won’t like the answers.

Did you get paid for this? Because I don’t get paid for my writing and if I did, I would probably get less, right?

10-20. Chocolate, communal trips to the bathroom, periods are yucky, drama, other demeaning tropes.

You honestly don’t understand what a period is? Well sometimes when a mommy loves a daddy, a mommy’s lining in her womb will shed if a daddy doesn’t plant a special baby flower in there. The lining along with a copious amount of blood flows out of the mommy’s hee-haw. And presto! Shoes. Shoes and chocolate.

Hoped that help and by the way, I’m totally fine.

 

You Love My Lady Blumps

I’m in a bit of a blog slump.

I’m calling it a “blump.”

As you can tell I have quite a way with. . . um. . .you know, those things? Those things that fall from people’s mouths, but you can’t see them? You hear them. Those things or as I call them. . . um. . . invisible mouth falls. I am an invisible mouth falls-smith.

So the writing isn’t the toaster at all. Quite the contrary, it is quite fishsticks.

The problem is one of motivation.

I am totally crushing it in other facets of my life. For instance, my pizza shop is doing extremely well in Webkinz world.

webkinzking

And just yesterday, I took off the pair of sweatpants I had worn for three consecutive days in a row and put on another pair of sweatpants.

But I’m just feeling, as the French say, ma voiture est jaune.

I am not alone in this malaise. Becky of the unbelievable Becky Says Things blames the polar vortex and Nicki of the amazing Nicki Daniels Interview blames the cabin fever one succumbs to when one lives in the polar vortex.

polarshitshowThey may be on to something.

It might have something to do with this book I’m reading. It’s called The Sixth Extinction and it’s about our role in the extinction of countless species which may ultimately lead to our own extinction. To put it simply: we are fucked. Royally.

I just finished the chapter on frogs. Frogs are the cockroaches of animals. They can live anywhere except for Antarctica because SMART! They have been around longer than dinosaurs. And now they are dying and becoming extinct. Likely when I just typed this sentence, another frog species bit the dust.

So everything is awful and the world is ending, and this might be why I don’t want to write about Lindsay Lohan’s new reality show at OWN. What am I saying? Of course I will be writing about that.

There still is some pffttt happening. And the pffttt could be because some people have gotten a woody in the pants from the polar vortex. As if extreme cold is normal and not something to freak the fuck out about.

rushdickSo there.

Blumpsville.

At least I know how to end a blog post appro

Trump Stump

Oh, bless his little orange, puffy face!

Donald Trump may seek the GOP nomination for govenor of New York.


This is news, people.

In the same way, it was news when Donald Trump declared he was running for president those 4,001,321 times. Or when he fashioned that ridiculous hair mop he wears on his head from wood shavings and a can of KRAFT® Easy Cheese.

The frequent-bankruptcy-filing “billionaire” says he is considering running because he is a paranoid delusional narcissist who believes he farts gold nuggets believes he can win.

donaldnoneckTrump was at some Republican fundraiser on Friday to talk about the dangers of over-tanning prove that a person can still communicate even when it’s clear one’s brain is disconnected from one’s spinal cord.

trumpedhairI’m not a fan of Gov. Andrew Cuomo. I voted for him only because the other guy wanted to convert prisons into “welfare dorms.” Now if Trump seriously gets the nomination, and that is a big bloated if, I will once again be forced to cast a vote for a politician who routinely denigrates my profession as an educator–as if we are all educators at Donald Trump University.

At the $100-per-person event, Trump outlined his platform. He would turn New York into the energy capitol. He has volunteered to act as the state-wide gas bag. He supports hydrofracking and wants to repeal the NY SAFE act, which requires ammunition dealers to do background checks and the creation of registry of assault weapons. It also requires mental health professionals to report credible threats made by a mental health patient.

Trump stated that he himself is licensed to carry a gun.

I wonder if I can find that number to make a report.

More importantly Trump touted his number one issue–how to stay relevant beyond his woman parade pageant and his nonCelebrity Apprentice snoozefest.

trumpissueLike I said before:

News.


Fifty Shades of Grape

On a recent trip to the liquor store, I learned that this exists:

Bottle also serves as a handy butt plug.

Bottle also serves as a handy butt plug.

I knew of other tie-ins with the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy like a soundtrack, a neck tie and a flushable tampon (maybe) so the inclusion of wine is not all surprising.

Wine plays a big role in the books–at least it did for me because I needed to drink quite a bit of it to slog through the 15,000 pages dealing with Ana’s dampness and Christian’s hair-thrusting.

The wine website includes a choice Christian quote that reminded me why I was drunk most of the time:

“If you spill the wine, I will punish you, Miss Steele.”

Awwww……..

So romantic?

I planned to write a post saying the wine likely tasted of hackneyed writing, greased butt plugs and despair, but that felt too easy, and, as you may be aware by reading my recraps of the series, I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself.

I felt humiliated purchasing the bottle so I figured it put me in the right mindset to sample it.

fiftygrapes

I feel so defeated…let’s crack this puppy open!

I must confess something. I’m not exactly sophisticated. While I do sometimes wear a top hat and cape whilst watching Real Housewives of Dogpatch, I know very little about the art of drinking wine. I know there’s a lot of sniffing and swishing and spitting and sobbing and drunk Facebooking, but that’s about it.

I decided to do a search and thought about the perfect search terms to get exactly what I needed:

50sheep

This led to a picture of Christian Bale in American Psycho. Not bad, Google.

I tried another tactic and found an article on how to taste wine “like a pro.”

Apparently it is important to place the wine into a glass rather than an old shoe or a taxidermied hamster. Fair point, well made, wine-tasting article.

I didn’t want to use any ol’ glass, but something extra special.

hugomugNext, you hold the glass in your hand rather than something else like a foot or nipple clamp.

Nailed it.

Nailed it.

You swish it around or I swear to god, I will beat you…sorry, sorry,…I just channeled Christian Grey for a second. Swish it around in the glass, then taste it with different parts of your tongue. This makes more sense then dumping the contents over your head.

It’s recommended to pair red wine with cumin-spiced burgers topped with Harissa mayo.

whole wheat pop cakes were likely a second option.

whole wheat pop cakes were likely a second option.

Hmmmm. It sort of smells like feet or tires, but maybe that’s the Hugo mug?  It tastes a bit bitter and makes my tongue feel numb like I just injected it with novocaine. How bizarre–the exact reaction the books had on my brain.

I’m forgetting one of my important drinking rules, which is never drink alone.

handg

It’s 5 p.m. somewhere, right? Up top. handg2For those unfamiliar, Hugo and Goofy were the stars of my Fifty Shades recrap. What do you think Goofy?

goofytries

Hugo?

hugotriesThere you have it, folks. Two butt plugs down.

How to Make a New Year’s Resolution

speaker7:

Whoop-de-doo. I have a post up at the other place The Official How To Blog.

Originally posted on The Official How To Blog:

2013 is quickly coming to a close, and with it all your crushed dreams, mediocre sexcapades, Bieber retirement announcements and dashed hopes. But there’s a brand new year on the horizon, and now is the time to set up your list of resolutions.

Follow this advice to create the greatest resolution list known to man.

1. “I will lose weight”

Nearly everyone’s New Year’s list will include the phrase “I will lose weight.” And you will go to the supermarket that first week in January and buy celery and sawdust and maybe even that Jillian Michael’s exercise ball in the shape of her mouth, and then the celery will wilt, a bird will make a nest out of the sawdust, and you will be eating a stick of butter coated in nutella on top of a partially deflated exercise ball that has become part of your ass structure. A…

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The Final Countdown

Today marks the last post in the Anonymous Le Contest of Secular Holidayness.

I promise it will be worth your time to head on over to Le Clown’s blog. I think today’s post may contain dick pics and who doesn’t love dick pics.

weinerroast

For those slightly confused by the above sentences, Le Clown has been displaying anonymous posts all week. Your job is to figure out who wrote them.

Your choices are:

Those who participate have the chance of winning something pretty amazing. I don’t want to give too much away, but I have caught Hugo doing some provocative selfies in the bathroom so basically: dick pics.

Le Clown will reveal the results in a star-studded special on Dec. 24 hosted by Ryan Seacrest and a sock puppet Ryan made to look like Dick Clark. Justin Bieber will unveil his new song titled “Irrelevance” and then be thrown into a pit filled with rabid wolves. It will be truly something.

And just because I want to mention this again: dick pics.

Connect 4

The game is still afoot as Scooby Doo once said to Shaggy.

Head over to Le Clown’s Rodeo Hour to see what the blazes I’m talking about.

Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

If you guess right, you will be entered into a drawing to win something fantastic like the chance to do my laundry for a month–but even better!

Previous posts:

The Fun Will Never End

That’s not entirely true. The fun will end this Friday, but it feels like it will never end and that’s what’s only important–feelings.

If you haven’t a clue what I’m yammering about, I’m speaking of Le Clown’s Festival of Secular. Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

Even if you’re late to the game, you can still visit the Monday and Tuesday posts and make your guess. Any post you think is the best is the one that I wrote.

Have I mentioned the prizes? Oh, I just did. They will be something fantastic like sauna-pants fantastic.

Play today!

Shit’s Gettin Real

Wow…that’s a terrible title, but probably will help you pick my post out of the line up.

That’s right! It’s day 2 in the “Who Wrote This Post” contest over at Le Clown’s Clown Car Round-up

If you’re late to the game, you still have a shot to post a comment and guess who wrote the anonymous posts. You have the following choices:

There’s also a chance the post was written by Donald Trump or some other fictional character.

To give you a heads up, my post will not contain any Hugo reference or my standard stock photo nonsense like so:

nutsack

There are prizes! My prize is a picture of Hugo twerking on Miley Cyrus’s tongue. If that’s not incentive enough, I don’t know what is.

The Most Dangerous Game

No, not really, but I am participating in this cool “Guess Who Wrote This?” game over at Le Clown’s Clown Emporium.

Every day this week, an anonymous holiday post will run and you have to guess who wrote it. It could be Le Clown, Madame Weebles, Rarasaur, Jen of Sips of Jen and Tonic or me.

Or it could have been miraculized into being by White Baby Jesus. That’s how tricky this guessing game is.

I’m trying so hard not to give it away, but my piece has stuff in it and things too. And it’s running on a day that ends in “day.”

Fuck.

I totally just gave it away.

So please visit all week and boost up Le Clown’s stats (Dammit!!! Now I know why he did this!!!!) whilst mine continue their dive down the toilet.

I believe there are prizes. One is a $35-off coupon for a free lobotomy performed by Hugo. I realize that makes no sense, but I find it best never to question him.

Make me proud, people.