Older Ladies Aren’t So Stomach-Churning

Good news, used-up carcasses (aka, middle-aged women)!

Your boobies and lady gardens, while deflated, wrinkled and musty, are still somewhat servicable to the other gender.

Shocking, right?!?

When I packed my vagina away in a Klip-It™ Meat Keeper Storage Plus, I figure that was the end of it. Time to shrivel up like a raisin and live in the woods in my house on chicken legs.

It’s a story as old as a middle-aged, gnarled and misshapen face. You hit 35 and are then put out to pasture so that menfolk can enjoy the younger objects and not be subjected to dry-heaves by your upper-arm flab.

croneBut no! Women over 40 (!?!) are not as grizzled as a ham-and-mayonnaise sandwich left out in the desert sun. They can be–do I dare say it?–not completely repellent.

I wish I could take credit for this brilliant insight; an impossiblity because I possess a woman brain and am therefore using 76%  of its capacity on keeping up my kegels. The credit all goes to walking nutsack Tom Junod.

nutsack

In an article for Esquire, which I initially mistook for The Onion, Junod pontificates on how 42-year-old women aren’t so gross as long as they resemble Cameron Diaz.

“Let’s face it: There used to be something tragic about even the most beautiful forty-two-year-old woman. With half her life still ahead of her, she was deemed to be at the end of something—namely, everything society valued in her, other than her success as a mother.”

But now, Junod has discovered, he still kind of wants to put his dick in some of these tragic ladies.

And that’s all it took, you old hags. A man to notice your worth.

I only wish Elizabeth Cady Stanton was alive to read this. . . and then get banged by Tom Junod.

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58 comments

      1. And at the risk of being gross (but I don’t think it is possible to gross out speaker7) Tom Junod should try sex with an over-60. Our vaginas are so dry they nice and tight again.

  1. I don’t know who this writer is, but I’m sure that once 42-year-old women stop paying attention to him, he would move on to praising the virtues of 52-year-old women – of course, as long as they look like Cameron Diaz or Sofia Vergara.

      1. Island of unwanted women = the Internet?? My sofa?? Ah, now .. GERMANY – come on, who wants Merkel, seriously? But the Germans, we get the politicians we deserve …

  2. Methinks Tom’s has himself a little bit of a wrinkle fetish. Wait’ll he gets a load of some of the hot octogenarians out there. Lucky for him, Sophia Loren doesn’t read Esquire.

  3. You know, even if I were 22, I think I’d recognize a prick when I saw/read one. Likely even at 2. If you can’t spot one at 42, you are a moron. Which, I presume, also applies to the publisher of Esquire.

  4. This fills me with hope about my middle-age. I’m thrilled that once I hit 40 I don’t have Fed-Ex my vagina to a museum of antiquated lady parts in the Arctic Circle – I just have to try and get a dude’s attention and BOOM, Part 2 of my life can begin.
    I may shed a tear for this revelation. Thank you.
    Thank you.

  5. Haha go back and read it again. It was nothing at all what you’re all imagining. He didn’t backhand any compliments, or put women down for their choices.

    He praised them, straight up, for defying traditionally stupid expectations. What you’re filleting him for is what you think he said, not what he said. Seriously, go back and read it without the defensive glasses on.

    He did well. He didn’t lay any expectations on us, and he didn’t say Only the Cameron Diazs were worthy. And he didn’t say that women were only good so long as men thought so. Even if you try to read between the lines, he didn’t say that.

    Set aside your preconceptions and start over.

    1. We will have to respectfully disagree. I’ve read it several times and sorry can’t find anything praise worthy. The yoga and pilates armor, the unclothed 42-year-old in a summer dress–all just condescending blahsville.

    2. Yeah, I think the fact that he thinks he’s actually praising women while being a condescending twit is pretty bad. Worse that someone actually bought it. I’m 38 and I have no desire to dress half naked, nor do I care if a man wants to get into my pants. Then again, I’m married so I guess I’m safe?

      Also, he doesn’t even understand the Bachelor at all – what made her repugnant was that she was acting like a sexual predator, not her age or looks.

  6. Hahahaha, too much! Lol. My 38 year old wife is sexier to me today than the 20 year old version of her I started dating way back when. That she still sticks around in spite of my gray and sagging parts, has something to do with it.

  7. Where do I even begin? Women are so fabulous today (at least those 42 and under) even though they are rapidly becoming hags! I am a progressive man because I shall lower myself to an older crone! Just keep wearing your armor of nakedness and yoga ladies, since we all know you are totally insecure and have no confidence since you do not look like a Fox News anchor.

    Did Christian Grey write this crap? With the help of Ana Steele, who we all know hates women over 25. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

    1. It is super kind of this 56-year-old man to deem 42-year-old women as seXxy. I imagine when Tom Junod was 42, he was thinking those 28-year-olds weren’t so hideous for nearly being at their expiration date…so progress, right?

  8. I was just looking into preservation methods for my lady garden, but here we go.. I might get a few extra years out of the old gal yet. Only as long as she’s capturing the male gaze though, right? Do you think they want to look directly at her, or am I supposed to be demure? I wish Tom Junod had been more explicit.

  9. I’ve read the article. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around what this even means:

    “Go to a party: There is simply no one as unclothed as a forty-two-year-old woman in a summer dress.”

    So the next time I’m at a party and I see an attractive woman in a summer dress, should I ask her her age? If she tells me, “Fifty,” is the appropriate response, “Oh, that’s so sad, you better put on a coat”?

    1. Is he implying that once a woman hits 42, she doesn’t understand how to put on a summer dress because of woman brain syndrome? Like maybe she’s wearing the dress wrapped around her ankle. I’m not sure either what he means, but your response is appropriate.

  10. Are you certain it’s not an elaborate joke? I can’t *imagine* it’s written in all seriousness. I’ve read a couple of Junod’s pieces in the past and he never seemed out of his mind. This looks too fantastical to me to be legit. Perhaps it’s meant to provoke? Me no get.

    1. Me no get either. I think it’s likely meant to provoke because that’s really the only way you can stay famous on the interwebs for longer than 4 seconds. I still remember tan mom and that was 356 years ago.

      1. Tan Mom is a semi-regular guest on the Howard Stern Show. She is a glorious train-wreck of a human being. I love when she’s on because she makes me feel better about my lack of accomplishment in life and abject obscurity.

  11. As one of the valueless ones (no kids here), I have to wonder what the hell my over 50 vag has been doing all these years. Between my unbalanced boobs and my arms that continue to wave 20 minutes after you have left I’m thinking the only appropriate thing to wear is a full on sleeping bag with a hood. It would be comfy, no?

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