This is Temporary

Usually when a blogger disappears for an extended period of time, the blogger’s return post is all about “Hey sorry, I haven’t posted in a while, but I had been trapped under a heavy piano.”

So let’s just assume that’s where I’ve been and get to it.

I’ve always said I wanted to write a novel.

I usually say this after binge-watching TV. Then I continue my streak of writing nothing and go to sleep because tomorrow, obviously tomorrow will be the day I start writing. No more procrastination on “Magic Tomorrow Day!”

Magic tomorrow day arrives and passes uneventfully. I learn that Lifetime is making a behind-the-scenes Saved by the Bell movie so it’s not a complete loss. I’m so excited. I’m so excited. I’m so. . . scared.

Did I write anything?

No, but *insert famous Scarlett O’Hara quote*

I will definitely start writing once I lose 10 pounds. Once I remove that extra fat in my head, it will clear up the brain juice, rev up the electrons of smart and words will magically appear in sentences that sound more good.

I failed biology.

There is the laundry. Always the laundry. Where does it all come from? Seriously, I own two pairs of jeans and yet my machine looks like a denim emporium. Could this be the subject of my soon-to-be written novel? The protagonist is a plucky vampire-fighter who falls in love with a zombie preacher, but can’t commit because of the laundry and BRAIINNNNNSSSSS.

Shit, that sucks.

There’s people that write and stuff. I’ve seen it. I’ve even reviewed it. Not to blow my own crumpled party horn, but I review children’s books for a librarararaarain publication. I just reviewed one. It was nearly 300 pages about a sock monkey.

That is not hyperbole.

There were a bunch of sock monkeys actually. They couldn’t really do anything, just had thinking thoughts and that’s the story for nearly 300 pages.

My review was only two words: “shit sandwich.”

But, hey, it’s being published. At least this person committed to writing something–albeit something incomprehensible–and completed the task.

I will write, by gum and never use the words “by gum” again. I swear, by gum.

I keep getting tripped up, that’s the problem. I went away on a “vacation”. A vacation is time to rejuvenate the mind and body, but a “vacation” is when one wishes to be killed by a Chuck E Cheese automaton because how much fucking longer are we going to spend in this skeeball prison? My “vacation” was with my parents and preschool-age son. On my “vacation”, my son told me to “go away” an average of 54 times a nanosecond so if you do the math it’s:  x + go away/chuck e cheese – sanity + endless strip mall = no novel.

Today was the day I was going to start writing. It is July 1st and mercury is in the seventh house of cards or game of thrones, however astronony works. I stared at the computer screen for 15 minutes then watched The Leftovers on HBO on Demand. *spoiler alert: way too much dog-shooting.

I had just about given up when I saw this picture on a friend’s Facebook wall:

this is temporaryI take solace in that sign. Procrastination is temporary. So is writer’s block. So is being trapped under a heavy piano.

While I may not write the greatest sock monkey/zombie erotica tale every told today, I may tomorrow.

Or Thursday. Definitely Thursday.

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43 comments

  1. You can do it. I did it and I never get anything done. And I watch a lot of TV and play internet games. And I still managed to write a book. So you can too. The worst part is the author photo on the back cover.

    1. If I ever do write a novel (which is happening on Magic Tomorrow Day, by gum!), I will use either the This is Temporary picture or the one I took riding in Chuck E Cheese’s car.

  2. Welcome back. I see your wit is as sharp as ever. I appreciate your candor and take comfort in my having watched so many episodes of Forensic Files that I now suspect my wife is putting arsenic in my protein shakes. Gotta go watch Slovenia take on a scrappy Bhutan squad in international soccer. I’ll be back in 4 hours or so.

    1. That’s a fantabulous plan! In fact, that’s my plan, too! In fact, I’ve been skipping writing completely for more than six months, now (with the occasional slip-up of working on my novel), and … and … and nobody has called to book me for speaking engagements or talk shows yet. Dammit. I need to rethink my plan.

      1. And don’t forget Psych seasons 1-8, and Chuck seasons 1-5. Them’s good writing grist. Or not-writing grist. Them’s good grist for something, at least.

  3. Thank god I’m not the only one who procrastinates with writing. Which is so bad because for a writer you sorta have to write everyday but you know there’s netflix and an iPad that just sits next to me telling me, “Watch me!” Other days I even forget I have to write and blog. But you’re right, distractions are only temporary.

  4. Shut the fuck up! A behind the scenes Saved By the Bell??

    and please don’t shut the fuck up ever, keep on writing, by gum! I’m still laughing at the line “I failed Biology”

  5. You have mastered the art of stringing coherent sentences together, you have a distinctive voice, you like to quaff and you’re a monumental procrastinator. Obviously, you’re a writer.

      1. Blogging counts as writing, doesn’t it? Or does it only count as vomiting words to the world for public consumption? In either case, it counts as words out, which is good for the practice thing, right?

        Right?

  6. That big screen TV in the living room is the devil and NetFlix is the devil’s spawn. Your only hope of getting anything done is not to turn it on. It’s become a HUGE issue in our house. I’m hoping the damn thing will break down. I just hope I can afford to fix it before football season starts.

    I’ve been writing a book now for going on 35 years I think. You can check out the only three chapters I have completed on my blog. So don’t go on beating yourself up.

    And, just so you know, writing a book is easy. Writing a good book, not so much. Kind of like quitting smoking. I’ve quit a hundred times.

  7. Oh my gahd I love you so much it hurts. I’ve been trapped under a piano for two months also. But mainly because the girl who works with me had the audacity to get pregnant and go home for three months to feed it and stuff. Thankfully she’s back. And she was punished with twins, so I think she learned her lesson and now I can get back to blogging. Please write a novel. I will pay full-price for it and tell all my friends. XO

    1. How rude of that person to get all pregnant and then take care of the offspring and stuff. Unfortunately I have no such excuse unless “epic laziness” is a legitimate excuse.

  8. Please write sock monkey erotica.
    Immediately.
    I will be your manager and we will make at LEAST as much money as we make blogging. Plus, no toasters will be harmed.

  9. You wrote this on July 1 and today is July 16. I think I have taken procrastination to a whole new level. As you say it is all, “temporary” and hopefully I can get back on track as well. You have inspired me! OK, well let’s just say you made me feel a little less yucky about how far behind I am.
    Welcome back, I expect to be there soon.

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