Speaker7 Explains About Dames

Oh for the love of pete! Why are you women so hard to understand? Seriously–like what’s with the shoes and the chocolate and the shoe chocolate and the chocolate shoe and shoes and shoes’ chocolate shoe of chocolate?

It’s enough to make a guy crazy or at least write an incredibly insightful article titled “20 Things Men Will Never Understand” that was recycled from Maxim cologne ads and rejected According to Jim scripts.

I have a vagina. I just checked. I feel I might be able to shed light on these things of 20 that men will never understand.

1. Why you say the opposite of what you mean.

First let me say that this is such a good article. Women are all the same. All the same. From Miley Cyrus to Malala Yousafzai, we are one giant monolithic group that likes to say “I’m fine” when we mean “I want to jab this corkscrew in your frontal lobe”. Why do we do it? So we don’t murder you. And shoes. I like shoes and math is hard.

2. Your fascination with shoes.

Yup. We gals like shiny baubles and laser pointers. All of us. Even women without feet.

3. Why you won’t tell us what’s bothering you.

3rdmystery

This seems like a retread of the first mystery of non-understanding. See the answer to number 1.

4. Why you won’t order your own fries.

Easy. We’re all fat. And we can’t tell you that bothers us because we can’t tell you what is really wrong and I’m fine and shoes.

5. How you’re so good at multitasking.

This is true. I’ve been able to simultaneously roll my eyes and look up how to spell “simultaneously” at the same time.

6. How you’re able to sleep like that.

Obamacare.

7. Why you ask about our exes so much.

Because we’re all Bravo Real Housewives and get into catfights and meow and shoes and mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds.

8. How you expect me to remember all those details.

Because our lives are so very, very small.

9. Why you ask questions when you know you won’t like the answers.

Did you get paid for this? Because I don’t get paid for my writing and if I did, I would probably get less, right?

10-20. Chocolate, communal trips to the bathroom, periods are yucky, drama, other demeaning tropes.

You honestly don’t understand what a period is? Well sometimes when a mommy loves a daddy, a mommy’s lining in her womb will shed if a daddy doesn’t plant a special baby flower in there. The lining along with a copious amount of blood flows out of the mommy’s hee-haw. And presto! Shoes. Shoes and chocolate.

Hoped that help and by the way, I’m totally fine.

 

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54 comments

  1. “The lining along with a copious amount of blood flows out of the mommy’s hee-haw. And presto! Shoes. Shoes and chocolate.” Yes, exactly then – or the week before that … they will never understand. Your sentences contained more than 2 words. You used exceptional words, which are not in a man’s vocabulary. Aaand – you did not make jokes about the big Ts.

    1. I tried to make it easy to understand, but then I started thinking about shoes and chocolate and how I needed to go to the bathroom, but there were no other women to go with me and it just went downhill from there.

  2. I went to read the original article, but then I realized you covered everything I needed to know right here. Most of the time these lists could be repurposed as, “Reasons I Don’t Have Meaningful Relationships,” “Reasons Everyone Hates Me,” or “Ways I Frequently Embarrass Myself In Society.”

    1. I have that happen all the time. When I’m trying to read about important stuff like laws and equal rights then it’s like SHOES. WHERE ARE THE SHOES. And then I don’t have to hurt my woman brain with that thinking shoes shoes shoes shoes.

  3. Your description of that magical time in a women’s life when she sheds her vaginal flowers should be required reading for all. Except add that when the flowers drip all over our expensive shoes we burst into tears and consume even more chocolate.

    1. I’m nearly pregnant and/or barefoot 24/7 so luckily that hasn’t happened to me because if it did, there would not be enough chocolate in the world to help me.

      1. p.s. You’re Miranda if you’re gay, and you’re Carrie if you’re married to Matthew Broderick. Everything else with the chocolate shoe drama is exactly the same. So the distinction doesn’t really matter.

  4. This made me snort out loud. That is not a good thing. I gotta keep it together, I’m ‘teaching’ right now….
    “….if daddy doesn’t plant a special baby flower….”

    O GOD.

  5. Because I’m a lesbian who’s fertility has expired, these 20 Bonehead Things don’t pertain to me at all. But I do appreciate dark chocolate and I have a nice collection of Jack Purcell badminton shoes, so maybe I am a tad infected with being a superior being after all.

  6. When my girlfriend and I fight, I like to assume that it’s because she is a stupid shoe chocolate junkie. It has the double benefit of not fixing anything (fixing things is hard and usually requires me to put down my beer) while also reinforcing the well known fact that I have never done anything wrong before in my entire life (because for a woman to point out otherwise would shatter my brittle ego).

    I want to believe that every single stupid trolling article like this can be traced back to two acne-ridden 14 year old boys with bad breath and 0 social skills.

  7. Brilliant. As a woman, I feel that you you really provided some deep insights to better understand myself. If you’ll excuse me, I feel a deep need to go buy some shoes.

      1. And communicate poorly. And cry.

        I glanced at the original article and I was impressed by how many times its author used “and shit.” Clearly, he is a wise man and an exceptional writer.

      2. Oh dear – too old for menstrual cycles and a stroke stopped my taste for chocolate but prefer buying shoes to diamonds – am I still a woman? I really really like anchovy butter, what does that imply? I don’t want to have a sex change, it would be too messy and I’d rather spend my dosh on shoes.

  8. I don’t know how you have missed the important fact of information that women should be beyond excited to march into gunfire to protect some right-wing fanatics and to make for better television.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/15/richard-mack-_n_5154606.html
    Want to write about that next?

    Or maybe about the real reason you should be paid less for your writing – because it’s easier to find husbands with lower pay. Sure, you have one, but imagine how much better he’d be if you got paid even less?
    http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2014/04/15/3426856/prominent-republican-women-need-to-be-paid-less-than-men-so-they-can-find-good-husbands/

  9. Hey, my comment went into your spam, because I added a couple of links. You don’t have to approve it, but please check it out if you need something to write about.

      1. Maybe that’s why so many of my girlfriends over the years have insisted on keeping the lights out during all va-jay-jay access hours. Halleleuhlah; I’ve seen the light!!

  10. See this is what troubled me at the very first introduction to my late brother’s wife, when they were dating I was told she only owned one pair of shoes, black boots. That was all she owned, they were all she wanted. I knew right away she was completely bonkers….and she ended up proving me right.

    She was never fine and chances are her blood flowed in reverse.

  11. I have missed you! Why didn’t you check in every fifteen minutes? I’ve been in the bathroom waiting for you BY MYSELF! We’re not supposed to be in there by ourselves! Why didn’t you come and find me? Fine. Whatever. Bring me chocolate. Have you seen my shoes? I forget where I put them when they aren’t on my feet.

  12. Oh my gahhhhhhhd you’re making us look like assholes AND you need to stop giving away trade secrets! Btw and for the record: none of this applies to me except I have a vagina, and I love shoes. And you. XO

  13. You are totally fine!
    I’m not sure if you should have shared this knowledge with them. The non-shoe, non-chocolate ones. It could be dangerous in the wrong hands. Like those of anyone who does not have a vagina.

  14. I hate shoes. And I haven’t bought a new piece of clothing since 2008. Do I have to turn in my vagina now? (I am obsessed with chocolate, if that helps…)

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