It is the time of year where giving is better than receiving and some such shit.
But what do you do if you’re stuck buying a gift for the person a) who has everything or b) you know very little about or c) I’m bored right now.
Here are some fantastic suggestions:
For the wine connoisseur and/or alcoholic:
Comes with $25 off coupon for Promises Rehab center.
For the water enthusiast and/or strangler
Waterproof stangler gloves.
For the sportsfan and/or person for whom life has no meaning:
For the time stickler and/or person you hate quite a bit, but are passive/aggressive about it
Only $2 at Walmart.
For the art collector and/or the person who posts inspirational posts constantly on Facebook
Other possible “f” woods: failure, forlorn, feeble-minded, fuck, fucknut, fart, fartnozzle, etc.
For the outsdoorsy sort and/or person who has trouble deciding on whether the knife or gun is the best murder weapon
And for the person who poops:
Merry Consumerism to all and to all a good buy!
*Thanks to the LTD Commodities website for providing all these fantastic gift ideas.
Speaker7 is nearly done with this daily posting nonsense and will soon find peace with her reindeer toilet paper holder.
Speaker7 
All fabulous gift ideas. I searched high and low for the perfect xmas gift for my husband. I finally found it in a plastic Family Guy toy. It’s Peter pulling down his pants and pooping candy. Really, you can’t get better than that. (Well, maybe a “giant fart in your face” alarm clock)
I am very sad your posting extravaganza is almost over.
That gift sounds incredible. And don’t be sad, if I kept this up any longer all my posts would mainly be this:
FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK.
and that would be it.
Oh god! Wouldn’t that be great? To just throw up one word posts? Today mine could be: SHITBALLS! Tomorrow: NUMBNUTS! (my own mom just used numbnuts to describe our neighbor whose xmas lights are so bright they kept her up last night)
I need to use the word numbnuts soon. I haven’t thought of that word in ages.
It’s one of my favorite words. Ranks right up there with “needledick”.
Or you could just give a goat. It’s what I do every year. Or if goats aren’t your thing, you could give chicks or sheep or half of a cow though I’m not sure you can designate which half (disappointing, I know). Heifer International does great work around the world.
That’s very altruistic, but less hilarious than a farting clock.
Loved your post. I’ve only ever seen the guy pooping candy.
My answer for the person who has everything…… an empty box to put it in. Did that to a friend who’d bought every possible gadget for card making. It was a 2-fer offer so I got one for me too. Hers wasn’t big enough and she complained. End of friendship!!
That guy is very versatile. It’s too bad you couldn’t have placed him on top of that box for your ex-friend.
Her face would have been a picture!
So much for Buy Nothing Day.
Sorry for that. I expect if I could have a glimpse into your brain, I would see you salivating over inspirational football-themed art.
fooey.
I told my husband we should get that alarm clock for his brother when I first saw it, haha.
It truly is an inspired gift.
My daughter would probably find that clock ESPECIALLY funny as hell if it made farty noises for the alarm.
The thing is, some people stood in line in the cold for hours to buy that farting clock. I just don’t know where my priorities are that I won’t do that for my family.
I say this as a friend: you need to get your priorities in order.
Oh wait… it DOES make farty noises? *checks and finds it on Amazon* So the alarm is Reveille in fart noises. Oh dear, I think my daughter WOULD love this, but, the grandparents would probably be horrified about Mr. Moonie there.
I do appreciate the honesty of the inspirational art. I’ve always known that football comes before friends, it’s just nice to see it confirmed.
I don’t even know why the “friends” thing is even on there when a better word would be “Fritos”.
Because it would be a bad idea to put “football” before “Fritos.” It would spawn to many chicken-or-the-egg existential debates.
During this holiday season when we spend oodles of cash on farting alarm clocks, I have decided to give the gift of admiration…you see, when I started blogging over a year ago, I started following your blog, and I was all like Speaker is the shit, I want to be the shit too!! Fuck yeah.
Aw, thanks. I like the gift of admiration way more than farting time-keeping devices.
During this holiday season when we spend oodles of cash on farting alarm clocks, I have decided to give the gift of admiration…you see, when I started blogging over a year ago, I started following your blog, and I was all like Speaker is the shit, I want to be the shit too!! Fuck yeah.
I could never figure out where that certain relative gets all the tacky gifts she buys and now I know. I have a designated spot in the garage for all gifts from her. Which reminds me I better go make room.
Get ready for some classy ass-themed stuff. There was also a butt golf game.
I love it! The sippy cup is going on my list of gifts.
Today in a column in my daily newspaper they had some of those gifts as well – like a Toaster that burns prayers on your toast. Or a cup with the handle inside – for visitors from a german region that is thought to be inhabitated by “numbnuts”.
I was hoping the blonde with the nice boobies was for sale. At least for rent.
I want that knife/gun thing mostly so I can use it on myself, and put myself out of my NaBloPoMo misery.
I think the moose toilet paper holder should sporadically speaks. Every so often it might say to The End User something like, “Hey! that’s enough! Save a tree, will ya?”
That sippy cup is so charming. I will drink a LOT from it while wearing that pathetic snuggie and staring at that fabulous frame (after I repaint it with Fuckballs, Failure and Fart). Then I’ll probably have to go use the moose paper. Wow, these gifts really are useful!